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post #16 of 30 (permalink) Old 05-14-2014, 03:19 AM
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Re: H's Grown Son & Pregnant Girlfriend Moved Back Home

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Originally Posted by InOverMyHeart View Post
I believe he made promises to take care of her son regardless.
Famous last words! That is a very terrible promise to make. That is basically telling his son that he does not have to work for a living or have responsibility. Your son has lived for the past 10 years and will continue to live life with a sense of entitlement, because your husband has put that before him.

I am sorry, but your husband does not love his son the way a father should love a son. I venture to say that your husband takes a non combative role in your marriage and in life in general. I am really not trying to put down your husband, but to show you where your step-son is today is a direct result from a lack on proper raising and training.

There is no other way about it, the son and girlfriend need to go. There is no ifs, ands, or buts about it! And it will never get better for your son or girlfriend as long as people are enabling them. Ultimately, your step-son needs to man up and take responsibility for his life, his girlfriend's life, and his soon to be child. No one should do this for him!

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post #17 of 30 (permalink) Old 05-14-2014, 06:10 AM Thread Starter
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Good morning everyone! Im so relieved I shared this, it feels good to get it off my heart.

Heres my gameplan: I will go online today to find out all I can about gov assistance since I dont know where to begin. I will print out what forms I can & sit with them this evening. I decided yesterday that Sunday service is not enough & will be back at church tonite to find relief from this storm. I jimmied around with how to break into my locked bedroom last night so I will lock my door when I leave today.

Those are actions, I feel its what I can do to enforce my stance on the situation. Any pointers on how to deal with my complacent (sp) H? I am the more agressive one & he constantly makes me aware of it.

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post #18 of 30 (permalink) Old 05-14-2014, 07:34 AM Thread Starter
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forevermemorable, I shared the scripture verse you posted here with my H, he thought it was applicable & then asked me what scripture said about patience.... You know, Im inclined to quote the protigal son... at least after he lived & ate with the swine he learned a valuable lesson.

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post #19 of 30 (permalink) Old 05-14-2014, 08:31 AM
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Re: H's Grown Son & Pregnant Girlfriend Moved Back Home

Personally, I think you're starting at the wrong end of the problem. You need to get your husband on the same page as you with regards to the issues, and present a common front. THEN deal with the son and his GF. Otherwise, you'll be fighting an uphill battle all the way.

You may get more input if you have this moved to the general forum.

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post #20 of 30 (permalink) Old 05-14-2014, 10:08 AM Thread Starter
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How can I get it moved to a different forum?

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post #21 of 30 (permalink) Old 05-14-2014, 11:18 AM
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Re: H's Grown Son & Pregnant Girlfriend Moved Back Home

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bkaydezz, thank you for sharing... like I said I feel really conflicted about this...

Let me also mention that this is about the 4th time his son has moved back home without a job and this time he brings his GF. Yes, I am a bit resentful and yes, I feel conflicted about that too.

I'm at a point where to go one way I'm enabling but to go the other way I'm not very polite.
OH OK! So there was more to add to the issue.
Well, I cant understand how frustrated you would be.
That's makes sense.

You can only do what you can do. While you feel like you can do nothing, you can always do something.

I can understand the stress of giving up your privacy numerous amounts of times to help someone who is- (now that I have a better understanding)-ungrateful and lazy. I don't understand how he has no work ethic? Maybe he thinks he can just come back and come back. That's probably part of the issue.

I really hope he gets on the ball with finding some work and understanding that he has not one but two, and very soon a third life he has to be responsible for.

Sorry you are frustrated. Hopefully things will come of more ease to you.
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post #22 of 30 (permalink) Old 05-15-2014, 03:05 PM
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Re: H's Grown Son & Pregnant Girlfriend Moved Back Home

I'm glad that you are doing the things that you can do, ie..put a lock on the bedroom door, gather facts about gov. assistance, etc. Since you mention that this is the 4th time your husband's son has come back home to live, it sounds like it's time to break this pattern in both your husband's and his son's life. Setting Boundaries With Your Adult Children by Allison Bottke is worth reading...written from a Christian perspective as well. Maybe your husband will read it..it'll be better for his son in the long run and also for your marriage and family life. Hoping for the best for all involved.
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post #23 of 30 (permalink) Old 05-15-2014, 03:36 PM
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Re: H's Grown Son & Pregnant Girlfriend Moved Back Home

You should not move anything to any new thread or forum! Keep it here, because this is where everyone knows the facts and circumstances.

Second, I really really really can't stress it enough that you should NOT be helping your step-son and his girlfriend get public assistance (via Section 8 HUD, welfare, food stamps, etc.). Don't put the cart before the horse! In this case, your step-son is the horse and you can't beat a dead horse. Well, lets hope that your step-son is not a dead horse; than I should say, you can only lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink from it. You should not spoon feed your step-son responsibilities that he needs to take to better himself, to live life with integrity, honor, respect for others, taking care of a family, etc. And he needs to marry his girlfriend. If he is sleeping with her and making a baby, than he best be owning up to marrying her. Again, you can just "POINT" your step-son in the right direction. It is entirely up to your step-son to take leaps and bounds and man-up and put his big boy pants on!

The idea and endevours you are taking to assist your step-son is just a means to an end. This process of helping him out just goes to get your step-son and his girlfriend out of your house, but it only serves to further enable his situation. My strong advice to you is (and I know everyone else would agree on this one), let your step-son figure out what to do on his own! He is of age and if there is any common sense or wisdom in his mind, he will figure out a way to handle this thing called life. You cannot do life for your step-son...he must do it by his own efforts and strength, with where he is today. Of course, this is not to diminish that we need to do all things through Christ, who gives us the strength to, but this is not where your step-son is at today, so you and I cannot apply that passage to him. In reality, your step-son needs to hit rock bottom of all rock bottoms. As long as people are enabling him (you, your husband, the government, etc.), HE WILL NOT LEARN THE LESSON!

The step-son and girlfriend need to be sent out on their way and you and your husband need to pray pray pray and let the Holy Spirit direct the path for your step-son and his girlfriend!

Thirdly, the prodigal son scenario doesn't really apply. In that story, it was about arrogance and pride on the son's part. Your step-son is dealing with laziness and licentious! Although there is some truth to the prodigal son that needs to take place in your step-son's life, there are far more greater things that he has to face and deal with in life. If your step-son is a backslidden Christian, I would say that 1 Corinthians 5:5 applies, "deliver such a one to Satan for the destruction of the flesh, that his spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord Jesus." Also, 1 Corinthians 5:11, "But now I have written to you not to keep company with anyone named a brother, who is sexually immoral, or covetous, or an idolater, or a reviler, or a drunkard, or an extortioner—not even to eat with such a person." The bottom line is, your step-son is living in sin and neither you or your husband should support that under your roof, nor should you be fellowshipping and eating with!

Fourthly, you can deal with your complacent husband by loving on him, submitting to him, respecting him! You can speak truth and wisdom by not lording over him or beating him with the Scriptures (I am NOT saying you do). Speak softly, gently, respectively, with lots of patience! In fact, let me encourage you to read 1 Corinthians 13 today and let it dwell and soak into your heart and mind by the Spirit.

I agree with some of the other posts...you need to get your husband on the same page with you and you can bring forth truth and wisdom in such a way that would resonate with him. When you share the above mentioned Scriptures with your husband, because I know you will, share it with him in a very loving and peaceful way with the utmost respect and good intentions for his son and his girlfriend. It truly is by love that you two need to turn the son over to satan for the destruction of his flesh. It is by love that you remove the leaven (sin), from within your household.

And than pray, pray, pray! And when you are done with that, continue to pray, pray, and pray!

I will be praying for you all!

Last edited by forevermemorable; 05-25-2014 at 08:12 PM.
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post #24 of 30 (permalink) Old 05-15-2014, 08:02 PM Thread Starter
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Everyone, I certainly appreciate your thoughts, prayers & advice. Something broke, God loosed whatever it was binding the situation & they are gone!

Sometime during the day, the son stole the car & blew Hs engine. This was the eye opener for him & he put them out.

Whew.

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post #25 of 30 (permalink) Old 05-15-2014, 08:07 PM Thread Starter
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Forevermemerable, I had not even read your post & was already blessed with the spirit of your message. Its amazing how God works!! I will post more details when I settle down in front of the laptop later.

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post #26 of 30 (permalink) Old 05-15-2014, 09:07 PM
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Re: H's Grown Son & Pregnant Girlfriend Moved Back Home

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Everyone, I certainly appreciate your thoughts, prayers & advice. Something broke, God loosed whatever it was binding the situation & they are gone!

Sometime during the day, the son stole the car & blew Hs engine. This was the eye opener for him & he put them out.

Whew.
I think that this falls under "biting the hand that feeds him".

When you say steal, I assume you mean took it with out permission.. not that they were doing something like taking the car to keep it permanently and perhaps move out of state or something thing like that.

I guess it's not your problem any more. At least not for now.

One thing I was thinking about today is that she's carrying your husbands (and your) grandbaby. It has to be hard to know that the child will not be in good hands.

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post #27 of 30 (permalink) Old 05-17-2014, 12:31 AM
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Re: H's Grown Son & Pregnant Girlfriend Moved Back Home

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EleGirl, thanks for sharing... to answer your questions:

He was on food stamps, but claims he lost them due to not verifying information. She is on WIC, but dodges questions about food stamps for herself. She claims she applied for housing, welfare but she does not have a cell phone any longer and the number on the application is wrong. I've offered to take her to the housing authority to get this straightened out.

She lost her job because it was closer to the place where they used to live across town and it was impossible for H & I to get her to work always. Then one day they (son & gf) got in an argument and she just did not go back.

I am on the same page with you about working, day labor and housework, locks, the whole nine. Being the woman, and this not being my son, I come across beachy when I begin to enforce rules. When we have conversations with them both, my H leads the conversation. And he is a lot more leaniant until he gets angry.

I'm beyond ready to scream.
Every excuse they've given you can be handled (in my state, not sure about yours) online. Here, HHS's web site allows us to scan and upload all required documents (we receive CHIPs).

How are conversations with your husband about this situation? While he's the head of the household, I'm sure he's aware that it's prudent to make decisions which exclude you?

I'd suggest house rules in writing immediately, signed as a contract. HHS likely requires at least rent receipts, too, so why not draw up a contract? If H takes issue with this, it might be a good time to revisit Proverbs. (I'm not kidding or trying to be snarky; we're no longer Christian and still refer back to that book for financial and contractual guidance, as well as for reminders that fair treatment doesn't always feel too fair for everyone.)

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post #28 of 30 (permalink) Old 05-17-2014, 12:33 AM
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Re: H's Grown Son & Pregnant Girlfriend Moved Back Home

Oops. I missed the last post.

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post #29 of 30 (permalink) Old 05-17-2014, 08:12 AM
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Re: H's Grown Son & Pregnant Girlfriend Moved Back Home

Glad that they are gone but I do worry for that baby. Losing your job over being upset by a fight with your boyfriend, whilst pregnant with your second baby and having your first being raised elsewhere doesn't sound very hopeful for that grandchild...

"Good timber does not grow with ease; the stronger wind, the stronger trees." ~ Douglas Malloch
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post #30 of 30 (permalink) Old 05-25-2014, 08:44 PM
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Re: H's Grown Son & Pregnant Girlfriend Moved Back Home

Well, the byproduct of having the son and girlfriend live in your home is a damage engine; which will cost you $1,200 - $2,500 depending on your car. That is the price paid for enablement! But that is neither here nor there, since you already know this and I really do not want to beat up the issue of consequences. Live and learn! And all of us have been in the same boat that you have been in before!

Earlier this year, my family housed a friend rent free and paid for all her meals for 2 months. After about 5 weeks, God put it on my heart to let the friend know that she needs to move on and I stood by the decision; even if it meant she would live on the street (which she did not). He who does not work, does not eat! Man has been cursed to work his rear off for the things in this life. If a man chooses to goof off and not work, he does not get to enjoy the good things in life AND no one should support or give into a lazy person.

With regards to your son, he has a lot to learn in life. He is fornicating, stealing, and God only knows what else. And the more he gets into trouble, the better his chances are at coming to the Lord. Sometimes we don't know that Jesus is all we need, until He is all that we have. I hope that your step-son finds the Lord for the first time or finds Him again, because God truly does love him and has a plan and purpose for his life. BUT, he must come to Him. He must draw near to the Lord, that He might draw near to your step-son and the same goes for you and for me. As much as we put into our relationship with the Lord, will be as much as we get out of it. If we sow to the Spirit, we will reap the Spirit. If we sow to the flesh, carnality, sin, than we will reap destruction and alienation from the Lord.

However, I want to leave you with a warning, because I know how things work out in life and I assure you no matter how many times you and your husband have been burned by the son, it is strange thing how often times people open the door once again down the line, when no change has ever happened. And I say unto you, "Don't do it!" Don't allow leaven to infiltrate your home again.

Let the joy of the Lord be your strength!
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