H's Grown Son & Pregnant Girlfriend Moved Back Home - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 30 (permalink) Old 05-13-2014, 09:08 PM Thread Starter
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H's Grown Son & Pregnant Girlfriend Moved Back Home

For the most part, I trust the uninhibited anonymous opinions of this forum. I really need to vent about this and please someone tell me if I am in the wrong or if I just need to get over it. I most times feel conflicted inside about hating that they are living and taking over my space; and supporting my H's decision.

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A little over two months ago, my H received a text from his ADULT son that he and his GF were being evicted for not paying rent. H ignored the texts initially because his son is known for not wanting to work or be responsible. The son did not text for awhile and it was later discovered he was living with an aunt. About a month ago, the aunt calls stating that she had to go out of town and she did not want him & the GF in the house while she wasn't there. It was supposed to be a few days, but I figured out that she used the 'going out of town' as a way to get him out of her home. Well, he calls dad as he is supposed to....

My H talks with me about the situation. We were both under the impression that the GF was working, but his son was not and we developed a game plan for them based upon her due date. They have until Sept to move out and they would have to pay $500 per month to help out with expenses. As we know, you cannot live anywhere for free. Two weeks after getting settled, the GF lost her job. The first month the rent was due, they were short $200. The son took a temp job but has not gotten paid yet. And it's looking bleak that they will have rent for June.

Which brings me to why I talk & pray & throw my worries on the alter for God to handle. I am attempting to support my H and the family, but it is really challenging when they do not want to support themselves. I ask H daily what is his game plan in the event they cannot pay in June. I ask what should I prepare myself for in the upcoming months. Should I get ready to have a newborn in the house when we have juniors in HS? Should I get in the mindset that perhaps they will be here until we get rid of the house next year when we move into a condo?

Our boys suffer from the added expense of providing meals for 2-3 extra mouths (I'm adding the GF twice cause she is pregnant) and then the increased expenses of maintaining a household... water, laundry, gas, etc. This does not include they want to drive the cars but cannot put fuel in them.

I feel like a wicked witch. I want to be so mean that they want to leave. I want to starve them and not care. I want to hoard my funds for the kids and not worry about them at all. I want to put their stuff on the street to force them to start showing concern for what they will do next. I want to yell as soon as I walk in the door from work and they are hanging out in my kitchen (my relax place). I want to yell when they go in my bedroom and take things out without asking. Arrrggggh, I am angry because they want to feel at home here and I could give two craps about how they feel.

So, I am venting to you all. I am attempting to gather different prospectives about this... I feel horrible, mean, selfish, hurt, undervalued, angry and all out ready for them to go all at the same time.

Thanks.

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post #2 of 30 (permalink) Old 05-13-2014, 09:20 PM
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Re: H's Grown Son & Pregnant Girlfriend Moved Back Home

Ok think you could ease up on this situation. If you are helping out of love for your husband, that's what it needs to be.
If he wants to show his son unconditional love then you should respect that.
Hopefully they will understand while being there that they need to handle some of the load and be responsible for themselves.
I cannot disagree more with having them pay the equivalent of rent payment there when that could be saved to move out since you do
Not want them there. If they do give you the rent, save it for them. And in four months you have a reason for them to go.
All I know is if they are having a hard time and can't pay there rent, that isn't for them to be judged. Not everyone in this world is made of money. I think you are being resentful. It will bite you back and cause problems later.
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post #3 of 30 (permalink) Old 05-13-2014, 09:26 PM
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Re: H's Grown Son & Pregnant Girlfriend Moved Back Home

Does his girlfriend have a family?

I've been through something similar. Here are things that I learned.

Tell them that they have to go get food stamps. The two of them can either be considered as one household with two people, or two households of one person and one pregnant person. For food stamps there can be multiple household within a physical house. Each household has to prepare their own food. Let them cook for themselves and clean up after themselves.

She lost her job? Has she applied for unemployment? Why did she lose her job?

She needs to apply for welfare, get housing etc. She's an unemployed pregnant woman who needs a place to live. Tell her this.

You need to give them tell them to stay out of your bedroom. If you have to, put a lock on your bedroom door. Make them uncomfortable because what they are doing by going into your room and taking things is being horribly disrespectful

Is there a day labor place in your city? If so you can tell his son that he needs to be there every day to get work. Here where I live they have to be at the day labor place at 5am.

Tell them that when they are not working, they need to be doing work in your yard, house. They can do all the kitchen clean up, the yard, and on and on.

One time my step-son tried this (he was out of high school and a habitual moocher) and he was unemployed of course. So I told him that he had to be up and out of the house every day before I left for work. He could only come home at night when I was home. So he had to spend the day job hunting. He did not stay long.

Make it so that they are not lazying around.

Last edited by EleGirl; 05-13-2014 at 09:31 PM.
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post #4 of 30 (permalink) Old 05-13-2014, 09:26 PM Thread Starter
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Re: H's Grown Son & Pregnant Girlfriend Moved Back Home

bkaydezz, thank you for sharing... like I said I feel really conflicted about this...

Let me also mention that this is about the 4th time his son has moved back home without a job and this time he brings his GF. Yes, I am a bit resentful and yes, I feel conflicted about that too.

I'm at a point where to go one way I'm enabling but to go the other way I'm not very polite.
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post #5 of 30 (permalink) Old 05-13-2014, 09:29 PM
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Re: H's Grown Son & Pregnant Girlfriend Moved Back Home

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Originally Posted by InOverMyHeart View Post
bkaydezz, thank you for sharing... like I said I feel really conflicted about this...

Let me also mention that this is about the 4th time his son has moved back home without a job and this time he brings his GF. Yes, I am a bit resentful and yes, I feel conflicted about that too.

I'm at a point where to go one way I'm enabling but to go the other way I'm not very polite.
Is your husband working and contributing to the household expenses? If so what % do each of you contribute?

My response was based on what you are saying here... that this is not a first time that your step son has done something similar and you are tired of being the one who has to support him.
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post #6 of 30 (permalink) Old 05-13-2014, 09:35 PM Thread Starter
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Re: H's Grown Son & Pregnant Girlfriend Moved Back Home

EleGirl, thanks for sharing... to answer your questions:

He was on food stamps, but claims he lost them due to not verifying information. She is on WIC, but dodges questions about food stamps for herself. She claims she applied for housing, welfare but she does not have a cell phone any longer and the number on the application is wrong. I've offered to take her to the housing authority to get this straightened out.

She lost her job because it was closer to the place where they used to live across town and it was impossible for H & I to get her to work always. Then one day they (son & gf) got in an argument and she just did not go back.

I am on the same page with you about working, day labor and housework, locks, the whole nine. Being the woman, and this not being my son, I come across beachy when I begin to enforce rules. When we have conversations with them both, my H leads the conversation. And he is a lot more leaniant until he gets angry.

I'm beyond ready to scream.
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post #7 of 30 (permalink) Old 05-13-2014, 09:38 PM
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Re: H's Grown Son & Pregnant Girlfriend Moved Back Home

The thing I learned over letting our kids and siblings move in over the years is if you expect nothing you won't be disappointed. Our rule has always been don't pay us... You get 3 months... If after 3 months they don't have any $ saved all they can do is blame themself as they had a 3 month free ride. They either leave when time is up or get 24 hours to find a new sucker to mooch off of lol. I go thru this all the time it sucks and no one ever respects our agreement. So u might as well charge them and save it for them
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post #8 of 30 (permalink) Old 05-13-2014, 09:39 PM Thread Starter
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Re: H's Grown Son & Pregnant Girlfriend Moved Back Home

Yes, H is working full time and we contribute equally to the household.

What I mean by supporting H are his decisions. Not financially.

H was widowed about 10 years back, I believe he made promises to take care of her son regardless. Son uses his mother as a crutch to not take care of himself. I attempt to walk my role and support his decisions.
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post #9 of 30 (permalink) Old 05-13-2014, 09:42 PM Thread Starter
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Re: H's Grown Son & Pregnant Girlfriend Moved Back Home

Oh, GF burned bridges with her family years back. She has another baby that her mother is raising. This is a lot of drama~

Or, I could be making it a bigger deal.

Sorry ya'll I really am venting. Tomorrow may be a better day when I put a lock on my bedroom door.
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post #10 of 30 (permalink) Old 05-13-2014, 10:09 PM
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Re: H's Grown Son & Pregnant Girlfriend Moved Back Home

Your problem is your husband. He's letting them take advantage of your house, and doesn't have the cajones to put and end to it. He's enabling his son's poor decisions and bad behaviour. Until he puts a stop to it, this is your life. His actions have a reasonably strong possibility of destroying your marriage through the resentments that are festering.

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post #11 of 30 (permalink) Old 05-13-2014, 10:23 PM Thread Starter
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H & I just R a little over a year ago.... This situation is really taking a toll when all I desire is to focus on working together, supporting one another so our marriage has a fighting chance.

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post #12 of 30 (permalink) Old 05-13-2014, 10:53 PM
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Re: H's Grown Son & Pregnant Girlfriend Moved Back Home

Quote:
Originally Posted by InOverMyHeart View Post
EleGirl, thanks for sharing... to answer your questions:
Like I said, Iíve been through this.
Quote:
Originally Posted by InOverMyHeart View Post
He was on food stamps, but claims he lost them due to not verifying information.
That is no excuse, he can apply again. You can go online and download the application. (search for your state). Then sit down with him and make him fill it out. Tell him he has no choice. He will use your address right now so you will see when he gets the mail asking him to verity the info so you can have him fill it out.
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She is on WIC, but dodges questions about food stamps for herself. She claims she applied for housing, welfare but she does not have a cell phone any longer and the number on the application is wrong. I've offered to take her to the housing authority to get this straightened out.
Donít let her dodge the question. You are not responsible for feeding her. Sit down with her too and get her to fill it out. Same situation as the step-son.
She can get a free cell phone. Search online for how she can apply for it.
She can use your or someone elseís phone number until she gets a phone. All she has to do is to go down to the office and update the application.
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She lost her job because it was closer to the place where they used to live across town and it was impossible for H & I to get her to work always. Then one day they (son & gf) got in an argument and she just did not go back.
Oh so she quit going to work. They sound very very young.
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Originally Posted by InOverMyHeart View Post
I am on the same page with you about working, day labor and housework, locks, the whole nine. Being the woman, and this not being my son, I come across beachy when I begin to enforce rules. When we have conversations with them both, my H leads the conversation. And he is a lot more leaniant until he gets angry.
You can find a way to be tough but not harsh. What Iíve done is to tell them something like ďLook I love you but I cannot afford to support you. So Iím going to help you in every way I can. Letís fill out your application for food stamps, etc. Let me help you.Ē
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I'm beyond ready to scream.
I can imagine.
You did not answer my question about whether or not their father contributes to the finances of your household. This bit of info is really important.
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post #13 of 30 (permalink) Old 05-13-2014, 11:10 PM Thread Starter
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EleGirl, thank you for the pointers. Yes, H works & we contribute evenly. If we didnt have a 16 & 17 yr old in the house to witness & consider it might be a litttle easier for me to noy get all bent out of shape. But they see whats going on & haven spoken their minds more than once....

Son & GF are 26/24. At this age I was serving my country in the Air Force, I am unable to relate to laziness.

I will do some research on free phones, daily work & print all the applications for gov assistance...

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post #14 of 30 (permalink) Old 05-14-2014, 12:02 AM
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Re: H's Grown Son & Pregnant Girlfriend Moved Back Home

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Originally Posted by InOverMyHeart View Post
EleGirl, thank you for the pointers. Yes, H works & we contribute evenly. If we didnt have a 16 & 17 yr old in the house to witness & consider it might be a litttle easier for me to noy get all bent out of shape. But they see whats going on & haven spoken their minds more than once....

Son & GF are 26/24. At this age I was serving my country in the Air Force, I am unable to relate to laziness.

I will do some research on free phones, daily work & print all the applications for gov assistance...
Oh I get your frustration.

Like you I have never been lazy or mooched off anyone. I started working at 16. Then started college, started a jewelry manufacturing business. Sold it. then went into the Army. Come out and finished college.

I don't get lazy and non-productive. It drives me nuts.

{{{{hugs}}}}
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post #15 of 30 (permalink) Old 05-14-2014, 03:08 AM
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Re: H's Grown Son & Pregnant Girlfriend Moved Back Home

Enabling! Enabling! Enabling! You are very right to feel uncomfortable about your husband's son and girlfriend living in your home, because it ought not to be so. A loving friend or family member should never enable someone's laziness or a lack of productively. Its called a hand out and the person that looks to the hand out, usually ends up looking for that hand out for the rest of their life.

Unfortunately, I venture to say that your husband probably did not teach his son how to work for a living by showing an example or training up the child in the way he should go. Not just that, but your step-son lacks integrity, honor, and patience. I know this, because he does not delay gratification until marriage, but he has taken upon himself to fill the lust of the eyes and the lust of the flesh.

So, in your son's case and his girlfriend, I would never never never have them live under my roof while living a sinful immoral lifestyle that is contrary to what my wife and I believe. HOWEVER, if there are no morals in your household, than forget what I said. BUT, if there are morals and you bring in leaven (sin) into the home, you can be assured there will be turmoil, frustration, stress, etc. etc. etc. No matter the answer, it is not good for your step-son and his girlfriend to be there!

With regards to enablement, listen to what the Word has to say in Matthew 7:6, "Do not give what is holy to the dogs; nor cast your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you in pieces." The idea is, what God has given you (house, money, time, etc.), don't throw it to those who take advantage of you and take the good gifts God has given you for granted. This is where your step-son and girlfriend find themselves in, as they move from family member to family member. The bottom line is, your step-son does not want to work, but he wants to play and mess around and he has not suffered the ultimate consequences of his actions. And he will not learn a lesson as long as people are supporting him and enabling him.

The greatest hope your son has is for him to truly come to the end of himself and realize that He needs a Savior to save him. Sometimes we don't know that Jesus is all we need, until He is all we have.
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