The whole child bearing thing - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 35 (permalink) Old 05-30-2014, 10:34 AM Thread Starter
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The whole child bearing thing

So, H and I are Christians, and I dunno about you but the general idea I have come across at church is the idea that married couples, if fertile, should "multiply".

Well, me and H have really gone against the grain on that one. Married six years, i'm turning 32 soon, and still no babies. Not that we have spent six years trying or anything. We have been making some half baked effort to try the last six months but no baby yet.

About 18 months ago, my pastor came to pray over a place we bought, and the prayer was... omg.... awkward? I know he meant well, but... praying in the spare room that it would be "waiting " for a baby, and praying in our main room that it would be a room of love and passion and conception... subtle right? I dunno, maybe he assumed we were trying or even wanting a baby. Since then, I have felt funny about him praying for me or for us as a couple.

I do feel a kind of pressure to have a baby - as a Christian, a wife, a woman in her early 30s... my H isn't pressurey, he is very patient actually, and like me, he is not super clucky or "do or die" about it.

There are a bunch of reasons for my hesitation, the main one being my abject phobia of the entire birth process, or of miscarrying.

One other reason I feel would be frowned upon at church is that I know that my body will NEVER be the same again. I like it how it is, and I know things will go south eventually, but after birth, hormones cause weight gain, women pee themselves, have issues with their pelvic floor, vagina not the same, boobs change.

Apart from the toll it would take physically, I don't mind the idea of a baby and I know it would be loved and welcomed, but I wish I was trying for a baby feeling like my heart is actually in this. On an intellectual level, I think I am there. And I think we would regret not having one if we could.

Bleh... I dunno....

I looked into adopting, which is always what I thought I would do if I wanted kids one day. my H was open to it but I could sense his heart wasn't in it and I didn't think it would be fair for him or a kid if I charged down that path.
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post #2 of 35 (permalink) Old 05-30-2014, 05:05 PM
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Re: The whole child bearing thing

Being a parent is not a requirement for salvation. Have children (or not) on your timetable, not your pastor's.

Darling it's better down where it's wetter, take it from me! --- Sebastian
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post #3 of 35 (permalink) Old 05-30-2014, 05:12 PM
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Re: The whole child bearing thing

If you really don't want a child, do not have any. It's not something to do just because you feel pressured by the church or society.

That's a real person that will be created and he/she deserves something more positive as the reason they were brought into this world.
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post #4 of 35 (permalink) Old 06-10-2014, 09:17 PM
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Re: The whole child bearing thing

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Originally Posted by QuietSoul View Post

There are a bunch of reasons for my hesitation, the main one being my abject phobia of the entire birth process, or of miscarrying.

One other reason I feel would be frowned upon at church is that I know that my body will NEVER be the same again. I like it how it is, and I know things will go south eventually, but after birth, hormones cause weight gain, women pee themselves, have issues with their pelvic floor, vagina not the same, boobs change.

Apart from the toll it would take physically, I don't mind the idea of a baby and I know it would be loved and welcomed, but I wish I was trying for a baby feeling like my heart is actually in this. On an intellectual level, I think I am there. And I think we would regret not having one if we could.

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Since you said that you are not trying to prevent pregnancy and that you donít mind the idea of a baby, Iíll give you some encouragement from my own life.
You sound a lot like I felt in my 20's. My husband and I were married 10 years before we had a baby and then it was because my husband told me that he wanted children and that I had told him I did too before we married, so changing my mind on this was not acceptable. I agreed and we started trying. It took over a year, but we now have three children.
I did gain a bit of weight after having our 2nd and 3rd children, but I was still slim. I put on weight later, but have taken it off now. I donít think it had anything to do with child bearing. I now wear a size 2 and am very fit at 50 yrs.
I was very nervous about having a baby, but the experience made me feel very powerful and feminine. All three of my pregnancies and births were affirming to me. Breastfeeding and caring for my children has brought out something in me that I didnít know existed. It radically changed me as a person for the better. I am so thankful for my children. They are a huge blessing in my life.
I do not have pelvic floor issues despite giving birth naturally to a 9 lb. 10 oz. baby. There are exercises that keep those muscles in good condition. Having regular sex is also good for them. Sex does not stop after babies come and my husband has not given me any indication that things are not working properly.
My breasts certainly changed. They got huge, then they went back down, but not as much as before. I was a 32 AA. Now Iím a 32D. Pregnancy definitely changes the breasts, but thatís not necessarily a bad thing. Men like breasts and they donít seem to care too much about how they change after babies. Some men actually see it as something they contributed to and like it that way. Besides that, bodies change as we age anyway. There is no fountain of youth.

For more on my marriage philosophies check out the marriage section of my website:
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post #5 of 35 (permalink) Old 06-11-2014, 06:46 AM
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Re: The whole child bearing thing

Just chiming in here to say that before I had children, I didn't have any maternal instincts whatsoever. Never thought babies were cute, wasn't charmed by toddlers, etc. Couldn't have cared less about the whole thing.

After having a baby, all of that changed. I would say it's the best experience I've ever had. Nothing can compare to it. I wouldn't want to have missed out on it. I have four children and frankly, despite the pain of childbirth, I would have had more had it been feasible. I'm now waiting patiently to become a grandmother just so I can hold a newborn again. I lost all of the extra weight after each birth, and didn't suffer from long-term breastfeeding. My H says you can't even tell I've had any children, so truthfully, you can't be certain that your body will change for the worse.

All of this to say that you may end up being very, very happy if you do decide to have children of your own. Adoption is also a very noble idea, of course.
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post #6 of 35 (permalink) Old 06-11-2014, 07:36 AM
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Re: The whole child bearing thing

I think maybe you should try to get into fostering a child if you really want to do some good. There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with not wanting to deal with pregnancy and babies and the change in your body. I think it's insulting when people try to pressure others into procreation. There are quite enough people being born into the world every day and choosing to abstain from adding to that number is actually a pretty responsible choice,IMHO.
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post #7 of 35 (permalink) Old 06-11-2014, 07:48 AM
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Re: The whole child bearing thing

Not everyone wants to have babies and there is nothing wrong with that.

Do what you and your husband want, not what society/your church wants/expects from you.

Someone else explained in another thread like this that she thought some people were just born with the "baby chip' and some aren't. I think that is true. There is no right or wrong answer.

Women, I think feel this pressure to have children by society in a way that is really unfair and judgmental if they don't.
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post #8 of 35 (permalink) Old 06-11-2014, 08:08 AM
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Just chiming in here to say that before I had children, I didn't have any maternal instincts whatsoever. Never thought babies were cute, wasn't charmed by toddlers, etc. Couldn't have cared less about the whole thing.

After having a baby, all of that changed. I would say it's the best experience I've ever had. Nothing can compare to it. I wouldn't want to have missed out on it. I have four children and frankly, despite the pain of childbirth, I would have had more had it been feasible. I'm now waiting patiently to become a grandmother just so I can hold a newborn again. I lost all of the extra weight after each birth, and didn't suffer from long-term breastfeeding. My H says you can't even tell I've had any children, so truthfully, you can't be certain that your body will change for the worse.

All of this to say that you may end up being very, very happy if you do decide to have children of your own. Adoption is also a very noble idea, of course.

Me too. I never babysat and didn't really care for kids, but the moment I saw my first everything changed. He looked at me and smiled right after he was born and we bonded instantly. The doctor told me it was just gas but I didn't believe him; that baby smiled at me and we've been tight ever since (he's 13 now). My second wasn't so happy at first but he and I are equally bonded and he's pretty happy these days (almost 11).

Don't worry about the toll on your body; true it does change you but if you take care of yourself it's not that big of a deal. Besides, you're going to get old and all of those things will happen anyway. If you don't want kids that's different and you shouldn't have them.
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post #9 of 35 (permalink) Old 06-15-2014, 05:32 PM
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Re: The whole child bearing thing

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Me too. I never babysat and didn't really care for kids, but the moment I saw my first everything changed. He looked at me and smiled right after he was born and we bonded instantly. The doctor told me it was just gas but I didn't believe him; that baby smiled at me and we've been tight ever since (he's 13 now). My second wasn't so happy at first but he and I are equally bonded and he's pretty happy these days (almost 11).

Don't worry about the toll on your body; true it does change you but if you take care of yourself it's not that big of a deal. Besides, you're going to get old and all of those things will happen anyway. If you don't want kids that's different and you shouldn't have them.
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I was like this.. I didn't have much family, never around babies ..I don't even think I ever held one.. until I had our 1st son..it all came so natural (the mother -son bonding, knowing what to do)...I was in Heaven... he was so good, I just wanted to have another one -right away!.. but that didn't happen...

I really wanted my own Family.. We tried immediately & was pregnant in 3 months.. but then we couldn't... it took another 7 yrs.. as far as the Body.. Heck, I've had 6 C-sections... He still loves and adores my body.. and it's all good...he sees my stretch marks as the battle scars of our children..its a beautiful thing..

I am not a person who likes RISK.. very safety conscious, but when it came to having Babies.. that was blown to the wind.. when you want something bad enough..when it is a heart's desire... you will fight for it and be willing to go to the ends of the earth. also go under "the knife".. which I did after years of infertility .....all kinds of tests...endometrial biopsy, dye in my tubes, drugs, post coital test... still nothing... so I had an exploratory laparoscopy surgery.. been sliced open quite a few times ! So thankful I live today.

As far as the Pastor, ya know...he was being presumptuous...I really don't understand why someone would DO what he did -without having more indept conversations with you as a couple, talking to you personally about your hopes, dreams.. Obviously the man doesn't sit down & really LEARN of those he preaches to.. and this .. I think is a little sad.

I don't go to church anymore, but it is ONE thing I adored about my Pastor, he was always seeking to learn about People, ya know...and cater to their individual needs and wants.. I learned A LOT about communication from that man.
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post #10 of 35 (permalink) Old 06-16-2014, 01:13 AM
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Re: The whole child bearing thing

When we went to church, we were constantly asked about our plans for a child. Wife very uncomfortable with having a child because of her rough past...which I was fine with...but we just never expected to get asked about it so often at church..and people just need to get that sometimes the issue of child-bearing may involve some heavy issues with shame and whatnot.

My wife already has social anxiety, so the stress of being bugged about it began to get to her...not to mention that if you don't have kids, you rarely get included in the women's activities...NOT that my wife would go anyway. But like I mentioned in another thread, my wife was told by a youth pastor's b****-a** wife that she was committing abortion being on the pill. If you are judging, you aren't f****** helping!

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post #11 of 35 (permalink) Old 06-16-2014, 10:33 AM
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Re: The whole child bearing thing

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my wife was told by a youth pastor's b****-a** wife that she was committing abortion being on the pill.
I've never heard this one! ...Somehow we got on birth control in my Mops group , this friend of mine is a Christian Doula.....when I shared with her how much I loved my IUD... I got a lesson in how the baby is conceived then the IUD kills it, that I've probably had umteen abortions.... I listened to her.. the whole thing.. then told her I still loved my IUD.. so I guess I was admitting I was a murderer.. oh well...can't please 'em all !
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post #12 of 35 (permalink) Old 06-16-2014, 10:44 AM
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Re: The whole child bearing thing

ROFL dafuq?! Are they serious??

IUD's do not allow a baby to be conceived.Birth control pills do not allow a baby to be conceived. If she's a doula she should try to study up a bit and get her facts straight.
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post #13 of 35 (permalink) Old 06-16-2014, 12:01 PM
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Re: The whole child bearing thing

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ROFL dafuq?! Are they serious??

IUD's do not allow a baby to be conceived.Birth control pills do not allow a baby to be conceived. If she's a doula she should try to study up a bit and get her facts straight.
There is a scientific basis for the belief that IUDs and birth control pills can cause loss of human life.
Once the sperm unites with the egg, a zygote is formed. The zygote is the first stage of human life. The zygote attaches to the uterine wall where it continues to develop.
According to WebMD, “ There are two types of IUDs available in the United States. One type releases the hormone progestin, which causes the cervical mucus to become thicker so the sperm cannot reach the egg. The hormone also changes the lining of the uterus, so implantation of a fertilized egg cannot occur. There are two hormone IUDs available: Mirena can be used for up to 5 years and the Skyla can be implanted for up to 3 years.
The other type doesn't use hormones. It contains copper, which is slowly released into the uterine cavity. The copper stops the sperm from making it through the vagina and uterus to reach the egg, thus preventing fertilization. There is one copper IUD available, the ParaGard T380A, which can be kept in place for up to 10 years.” http://www.webmd.com/sex/birth-contr...uterine-device
According to babycenter.com, “In the unlikely event that an egg does get fertilized and survives, both IUDs cause inflammation in the uterus that makes it harder for the egg to implant there.” http://www.babycenter.com/0_intraute...ce-iud_3564.bc
How often this happens is unknown and there is probably no way to evaluate that.
Birth control pills have more than one function. First they inhibit ovulation. If a woman doesn't ovulate, she cannot become pregnant. This is the primary function of birth control pills. However, they do not always work. For various reasons, there is a chance that ovulation will not be inhibited and an egg will be released. In this case, the secondary function of the pill comes into play. The hormones in the pill change the uterine wall and can make it difficult for a zygote to implant. Also if a woman becomes pregnant, while continuing to take the pill, it can make the uterine environment unable to sustain the pregnancy.
“Estrogen and progestin are the main hormones in birth control pills. Estrogen causes the uterine lining to grow and thicken; progestin inhibits ovulation and changes the secretions in the vagina that makes sperm less likely to enter to uterus.” http://www.webmd.com/infertility-and...riods-obsolete
This is why people believe that IUDs and birth control pills can cause the death of a human being. They believe that due to the fact that the zygote has complete human DNA and is the first stage of human development, that making the uterine lining hostile to its ability to attach is a form of abortion.
Pregnancy is defined as when the zygote implants in the uterine wall. Because of this, many people believe that it is okay to stop the zygote from implanting in the uterine wall, since the woman is technically not pregnant. The zygote cannot continue to develop if it does not implant.
https://www.princeton.edu/~achaney/t...(biology).html . This is not a matter of being uninformed. It is a matter of whether or not you believe that a zygot is a human being.
I think the comments about IUDs and birth control pills should be answered as to why someone would believe those things since it is pertinent to the topic of this thread.

For more on my marriage philosophies check out the marriage section of my website:
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Standard Evidence Thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...ence-post.html

Last edited by CynthiaDe; 06-16-2014 at 05:43 PM.
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post #14 of 35 (permalink) Old 06-16-2014, 12:04 PM
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Re: The whole child bearing thing

"There are two types of IUDs available in the United States. One type releases the hormone progestin, which causes the cervical mucus to become thicker so the sperm cannot reach the egg. The hormone also changes the lining of the uterus, so implantation of a fertilized egg cannot occur. There are two hormone IUDs available: Mirena can be used for up to 5 years and the Skyla can be implanted for up to 3 years.

The other type doesn't use hormones. It contains copper, which is slowly released into the uterine cavity. The copper stops the sperm from making it through the vagina and uterus to reach the egg, thus preventing fertilization. There is one copper IUD available, the ParaGard T380A, which can be kept in place for up to 10 years."



So people are saying a fertilized egg is a baby. Alrighty then.
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post #15 of 35 (permalink) Old 06-16-2014, 12:18 PM
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Re: The whole child bearing thing

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So people are saying a fertilized egg is a baby. Alrighty then.
Not quite.
The zygote is not technically a fertilized egg. It is often referred to that way, but technically it is no longer an egg, so in reality there is no such thing as a fertilized human egg. Once the sperm hits the egg, it is no longer a sperm or an egg. It is a zygote.

For more on my marriage philosophies check out the marriage section of my website:
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Standard Evidence Thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...ence-post.html

Last edited by CynthiaDe; 06-16-2014 at 05:43 PM.
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