Spin cycle of loss, bisexuality, control and failure - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 13 (permalink) Old 06-01-2014, 10:09 PM Thread Starter
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Spin cycle of loss, bisexuality, control and failure

This is something I've needed to share for a number of years and just have not felt safe or right in doing so. There are several issues that I feel surrounded and entangled with in my marriage of 22 years.

Some early marriage background: both my husband and myself had a strong foundation in Christianity, and we're active in our church, and sense a strong calling to prayer as a couple. At least we did. Over time, we've had the gammit of issues.

Several years ago I found out that my husband had on 3 occasions gone to see some whom he paid for sexual favors. I'm not sure how we worked through that, but here we are several years down the road and still married. Over this period of time, my husband has changed his viewpoint on Christianity, and the role of marriage. He no longer believes that there isn't anything wrong with sex outside the marriage as long as both partners agree. There have been moments of specific pressure when he's actually gotten angry because I've been unwilling to participate in group sex. He told me he would be fine if I wanted to be with someone else, which I found to be a callous and hurtful comment.

And so, as things have evolved over the past 2-3 years, the truth has been revealed about other issues my husband has. In essence, he's bisexual. I've never knew anything to get his as excited as when he dresses up as a woman. He prefers bondage, that is, where I keep him in bondage or use humiliation tactics to arouse him. I try as much as I am able to do.

The truth is, I hate having sex with him as a woman. I can do a certain amount of bondage but it's very difficult for me to do so to the degree that he needs. He's quite taken with images of men wearing dresses, or videos of women on women. He never approaches me sexually as this does not arouse him, so, I'm always the one that must initiate. He never reciprocates...ever.

I'm troubled and feel as if I live under a constant weight of heartache, anger and frustration...as certain cycles always repeat themselves such as:

Ugly, hurtful discussions where my husband will at length tell me that I'm just not meeting his needs, that I dont do it for him. There have been a number of times when he's hated the way I look so much he wouldn't touch me for days at a time. He says I'm never in sync with what he wants. He says there are lots of women my age that work as much as I do that still find time to work out and be thin. I'm 145 at 5'5"...I've put on 20 pounds in the past year....I started a new job that has been very stressful and requires long days, sometimes normal days, but not uncommon to have to work until midnight or the weekend. In those instances, he won't feed himself, but will wait for me to do so. Sometimes I really wish he could help out and take car of some things....it would mAke me feel like I had more of a partner.

And so, having had a series of arguments about how I'm not satisfying him, this weekend I went to church (haven't been in a year), and then went shopping to find a sex toy that I thought he'd really enjoy. I got home, and he'd been angry at me because I hadn't made breakfast, and then went doesn't the channel of how I'm just not in tune with him, the floor wasn't clean, and so on. Not what I feel would be in the real of a normal irritated chat about something your spouse did or did not do, but the kind thAt carries with it the weight of marriage failure.

I am just weary of the constant weight and discussion of the lens of failure he views me through.

I love him, but don't understand the constant oppression. I work long hours, I do the cooking and cleaning and errands and all the stuff that has to be done. I'm tired. I know that I'm not desired. And the more I try to allure him in the ways I know he likes, the more it seems like he doesn't like it. He's not attracted to me and is angry at me because he feels I am failing him.

I don't have a high sex drive, but have been seeing doctors to receive hormone therapy to help. It doesn't really help, at lease not at current dosages.

I feel that I am in a pit that has gotten so deep and so wide that I can no longer see the wall to climb up from.

My principles are sliding...watching more lesbian flicks with him. Introducing my friends into our sexual fantasies...I feel dirty. And unwanted.

I love him, but don't know how to get help. I've prayed for years....it just keeps getting worse....

Thanks for letting me share....I'm not sure I know the question I'm asking, but if there's anyone with insight please share....

Thanks.

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post #2 of 13 (permalink) Old 06-02-2014, 01:14 AM
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Re: Spin cycle of loss, bisexuality, control and failure

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Originally Posted by sarajane View Post
This is something I've needed to share for a number of years and just have not felt safe or right in doing so. There are several issues that I feel surrounded and entangled with in my marriage of 22 years.

Some early marriage background: both my husband and myself had a strong foundation in Christianity, and we're active in our church, and sense a strong calling to prayer as a couple. At least we did. Over time, we've had the gammit of issues.

Several years ago I found out that my husband had on 3 occasions gone to see some whom he paid for sexual favors. I'm not sure how we worked through that, but here we are several years down the road and still married. Over this period of time, my husband has changed his viewpoint on Christianity, and the role of marriage. He no longer believes that there isn't anything wrong with sex outside the marriage as long as both partners agree. There have been moments of specific pressure when he's actually gotten angry because I've been unwilling to participate in group sex. He told me he would be fine if I wanted to be with someone else, which I found to be a callous and hurtful comment.

And so, as things have evolved over the past 2-3 years, the truth has been revealed about other issues my husband has. In essence, he's bisexual. I've never knew anything to get his as excited as when he dresses up as a woman. He prefers bondage, that is, where I keep him in bondage or use humiliation tactics to arouse him. I try as much as I am able to do.

The truth is, I hate having sex with him as a woman. I can do a certain amount of bondage but it's very difficult for me to do so to the degree that he needs. He's quite taken with images of men wearing dresses, or videos of women on women. He never approaches me sexually as this does not arouse him, so, I'm always the one that must initiate. He never reciprocates...ever.

I'm troubled and feel as if I live under a constant weight of heartache, anger and frustration...as certain cycles always repeat themselves such as:

Ugly, hurtful discussions where my husband will at length tell me that I'm just not meeting his needs, that I dont do it for him. There have been a number of times when he's hated the way I look so much he wouldn't touch me for days at a time. He says I'm never in sync with what he wants. He says there are lots of women my age that work as much as I do that still find time to work out and be thin. I'm 145 at 5'5"...I've put on 20 pounds in the past year....I started a new job that has been very stressful and requires long days, sometimes normal days, but not uncommon to have to work until midnight or the weekend. In those instances, he won't feed himself, but will wait for me to do so. Sometimes I really wish he could help out and take car of some things....it would mAke me feel like I had more of a partner.

And so, having had a series of arguments about how I'm not satisfying him, this weekend I went to church (haven't been in a year), and then went shopping to find a sex toy that I thought he'd really enjoy. I got home, and he'd been angry at me because I hadn't made breakfast, and then went doesn't the channel of how I'm just not in tune with him, the floor wasn't clean, and so on. Not what I feel would be in the real of a normal irritated chat about something your spouse did or did not do, but the kind thAt carries with it the weight of marriage failure.

I am just weary of the constant weight and discussion of the lens of failure he views me through.

I love him, but don't understand the constant oppression. I work long hours, I do the cooking and cleaning and errands and all the stuff that has to be done. I'm tired. I know that I'm not desired. And the more I try to allure him in the ways I know he likes, the more it seems like he doesn't like it. He's not attracted to me and is angry at me because he feels I am failing him.

I don't have a high sex drive, but have been seeing doctors to receive hormone therapy to help. It doesn't really help, at lease not at current dosages.

I feel that I am in a pit that has gotten so deep and so wide that I can no longer see the wall to climb up from.

My principles are sliding...watching more lesbian flicks with him. Introducing my friends into our sexual fantasies...I feel dirty. And unwanted.

I love him, but don't know how to get help. I've prayed for years....it just keeps getting worse....

Thanks for letting me share....I'm not sure I know the question I'm asking, but if there's anyone with insight please share....

Thanks.
So your husband cheated on you three times, is pressuring you to bring others into the sexual relationship, doesn't like how you look and thinks you need to lose weight.

You engage in bondage with him, purchase sex toys for him, and watch porn with him. You are also allowing him to push you to do things which are against your values.

Your husband is an a$$. Most men would thank the heavens to have a wife so willing to please them sexually. You can do better. Trade this lemon in for another ride.
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post #3 of 13 (permalink) Old 06-02-2014, 01:49 AM
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Re: Spin cycle of loss, bisexuality, control and failure

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Originally Posted by Want2babettrme View Post
So your husband cheated on you three times, is pressuring you to bring others into the sexual relationship, doesn't like how you look and thinks you need to lose weight.

You engage in bondage with him, purchase sex toys for him, and watch porn with him. You are also allowing him to push you to do things which are against your values.

Your husband is an a$$. Most men would thank the heavens to have a wife so willing to please them sexually. You can do better. Trade this lemon in for another ride.
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post #4 of 13 (permalink) Old 06-02-2014, 01:50 AM
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Re: Spin cycle of loss, bisexuality, control and failure

Why are you staying in this marriage?
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post #5 of 13 (permalink) Old 06-02-2014, 07:01 AM
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Re: Spin cycle of loss, bisexuality, control and failure

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Originally Posted by sarajane View Post
...In essence, he's bisexual. I've never knew anything to get his as excited as when he dresses up as a woman....
Bisexuality is when a person is aroused by people of both sexes, and willingly has sex with people of both sexes.

Cross dressing is not bisexuality, and the vast majority of men who do this are quite hetero.

You've already told him enough... at this point, you have to either give a final ultimatum, or come clean with yourself that you're accepting the path you're going down as a willing choice.

For someone who doesn't like to sail, you seem to have put a lot into building this boat for several years.
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post #6 of 13 (permalink) Old 06-02-2014, 07:42 AM
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Spin cycle of loss, bisexuality, control and failure

This is going to be short. Your husband has ZERO problems. He is getting his needs met perfectly.

This is all your fault. 100%. You've allowed your husband to abuse your giving nature and service.

The first rule of bad behavior: zero tolerance. Plenty of posters here to show how to go about that.
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post #7 of 13 (permalink) Old 06-02-2014, 12:03 PM
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Re: Spin cycle of loss, bisexuality, control and failure

Whose fault this is really is not relevant at this point. To say that it is all one person’s fault in a marriage really indicates a very low understanding of the dynamics in a marriage - so that post should be ignored.

From what I have seen by your post - you are LD and husband is HD so there is a mismatch. Apparently, your husband turned to pornography and masturbation to relieve himself and in the process became addicted. Your husband in my opinion is a sex addict. Just like a drug or alcohol abuser, your husband has had change what he views in porn to keep the satisfaction going - he developed a fixation on lesbian porn, gay porn and violent sex (just like an alcoholic must increase his alcohol intake by either consuming more or utilizing more potent products.) Then, he started to engage in sex outside the marriage to try it out as the viewing porn (all of the different types) finally lost its appeal - and there you have it - he cheated on you. Your husband has completely fornicated himself which is a sin. He has tried to use the Bible to justify his actions – but, remember he has turned to sin and it now controls him – drives him and he is equivalent to being in a heavy fog. My guess is that he still cheats - he is just allot better at not getting caught than before. The result of this sin is that he has damaged you, damaged your friendships, and quite frankly – thrown your marriage under the bus.

This is not going to get better on its own. It’s kind of like being on a runaway train - and you are on it and it is a matter of time before the crash. Do you really want to be onboard when the crash comes? I promise you – it is coming. Why do you not do what you know is necessary? For both of you!! If you love him – why would you let him continue on this path?? You have been on the site awhile – you know what needs to be done – what are you waiting for?? Has this lifestyle brought you happiness?

My opinion - do the 180 – demand that he get help or you’re checking out!! He cannot do porn – period!! Surely you know this!! I mean – dressing up as a woman? Sex with other men? Is this really what you signed up for?? Plan accordingly – I don’t know your financial means – but, you better figure out how you can make it without your husband in case he decides not to get help. You know there a plenty of people on this site who can help you.

This really belongs on the Coping with Infidelity Thread by the way – your husband is cheating on you. To me – this is not about religion – believers and non-believers will advise you the same way.
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post #8 of 13 (permalink) Old 06-02-2014, 03:48 PM
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Spin cycle of loss, bisexuality, control and failure

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Whose fault this is really is not relevant at this point. To say that it is all one person’s fault in a marriage really indicates a very low understanding of the dynamics in a marriage - so that post should be ignored.



From what I have seen by your post - you are LD and husband is HD so there is a mismatch. Apparently, your husband turned to pornography and masturbation to relieve himself and in the process became addicted. Your husband in my opinion is a sex addict. Just like a drug or alcohol abuser, your husband has had change what he views in porn to keep the satisfaction going - he developed a fixation on lesbian porn, gay porn and violent sex (just like an alcoholic must increase his alcohol intake by either consuming more or utilizing more potent products.) Then, he started to engage in sex outside the marriage to try it out as the viewing porn (all of the different types) finally lost its appeal - and there you have it - he cheated on you. Your husband has completely fornicated himself which is a sin. He has tried to use the Bible to justify his actions – but, remember he has turned to sin and it now controls him – drives him and he is equivalent to being in a heavy fog. My guess is that he still cheats - he is just allot better at not getting caught than before. The result of this sin is that he has damaged you, damaged your friendships, and quite frankly – thrown your marriage under the bus.



This is not going to get better on its own. It’s kind of like being on a runaway train - and you are on it and it is a matter of time before the crash. Do you really want to be onboard when the crash comes? I promise you – it is coming. Why do you not do what you know is necessary? For both of you!! If you love him – why would you let him continue on this path?? You have been on the site awhile – you know what needs to be done – what are you waiting for?? Has this lifestyle brought you happiness?



My opinion - do the 180 – demand that he get help or you’re checking out!! He cannot do porn – period!! Surely you know this!! I mean – dressing up as a woman? Sex with other men? Is this really what you signed up for?? Plan accordingly – I don’t know your financial means – but, you better figure out how you can make it without your husband in case he decides not to get help. You know there a plenty of people on this site who can help you.



This really belongs on the Coping with Infidelity Thread by the way – your husband is cheating on you. To me – this is not about religion – believers and non-believers will advise you the same way.

You missed the whole point of my post Aspy. Let her decide if she needs to ignore.

The point is she is the only one who can affect change because why would her husband? She's allowed him to behave this way and until she changes he'll remain the same.

Care to rephrase?
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post #9 of 13 (permalink) Old 06-02-2014, 04:38 PM
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Re: Spin cycle of loss, bisexuality, control and failure

I get your point about her enabling - she can take control of the situation. But, it is not her fault that her husband is the way he is - what I believe - sex addict. This addiction by the way is just the expression of a very deep rooted emotional problem that must be addressed.

My grandmother was an alcoholic. She had very deep rooted emotional problems that put her there. My grandfather just let her do this - I always had allot of anger towards him in my younger days for letting his wife slowly kill herself - she died of liver failure at the age of 58. Also, my mother was raised by this alcoholic - my mother was damaged emotionally - I was brought up with that - so it affected me deeply - I have put an end to this cycle although I was damaged early on in my life by my mother - I have gotton over that. I now understand that my grandfather (who was a laborer with an 8th grade education) just did what he did to survive - he loved his wife more than life itself but for the life of him could not change her - she had major emotional problems from her childhood - brought up during the depression by her father who lost everything in the market crash - her father was abusive to the family after that.

My take on the OP here is that she loves her husband very much - but, cannot fix him - he is broken internally and needs professional help. Without it - train wreck is coming.
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post #10 of 13 (permalink) Old 06-02-2014, 05:53 PM
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Spin cycle of loss, bisexuality, control and failure

Funny. We're coming from the same point of view.

My mom let my step dad emotionally and verbally abuse us with his alcoholism. It wasn't until she said "I can't take this shît anymore." And left. The precursor to the 180. It took him 2 months before she would talk to him. That was his last chance and 30 years later he's been sober.

It first starts with stopping the codependency. If he wants to change that's up to him.

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post #11 of 13 (permalink) Old 06-03-2014, 10:56 AM
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Re: Spin cycle of loss, bisexuality, control and failure

Firstly cross dressing does not equal bisexual. That aside ,your husband is treating you horribly.

I feel for people who stay in poor marriages for religious reasons.
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post #12 of 13 (permalink) Old 06-06-2014, 02:55 PM
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Re: Spin cycle of loss, bisexuality, control and failure

Ummmmmm.

Seriously?
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post #13 of 13 (permalink) Old 06-10-2014, 01:37 AM
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Re: Spin cycle of loss, bisexuality, control and failure

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I don't know why I shared my testimony but I hope it will help someone
I don't know why either, that said, thank-you for reminding me why I am a godless heathen.

Hi sarajane,

I concur with Want2babettrme and others, I hope you find the strength you need to end this situation.
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