Spin cycle of loss, bisexuality, control and failure
This is something I've needed to share for a number of years and just have not felt safe or right in doing so. There are several issues that I feel surrounded and entangled with in my marriage of 22 years.
Some early marriage background: both my husband and myself had a strong foundation in Christianity, and we're active in our church, and sense a strong calling to prayer as a couple. At least we did. Over time, we've had the gammit of issues.
Several years ago I found out that my husband had on 3 occasions gone to see some whom he paid for sexual favors. I'm not sure how we worked through that, but here we are several years down the road and still married. Over this period of time, my husband has changed his viewpoint on Christianity, and the role of marriage. He no longer believes that there isn't anything wrong with sex outside the marriage as long as both partners agree. There have been moments of specific pressure when he's actually gotten angry because I've been unwilling to participate in group sex. He told me he would be fine if I wanted to be with someone else, which I found to be a callous and hurtful comment.
And so, as things have evolved over the past 2-3 years, the truth has been revealed about other issues my husband has. In essence, he's bisexual. I've never knew anything to get his as excited as when he dresses up as a woman. He prefers bondage, that is, where I keep him in bondage or use humiliation tactics to arouse him. I try as much as I am able to do.
The truth is, I hate having sex with him as a woman. I can do a certain amount of bondage but it's very difficult for me to do so to the degree that he needs. He's quite taken with images of men wearing dresses, or videos of women on women. He never approaches me sexually as this does not arouse him, so, I'm always the one that must initiate. He never reciprocates...ever.
I'm troubled and feel as if I live under a constant weight of heartache, anger and frustration...as certain cycles always repeat themselves such as:
Ugly, hurtful discussions where my husband will at length tell me that I'm just not meeting his needs, that I dont do it for him. There have been a number of times when he's hated the way I look so much he wouldn't touch me for days at a time. He says I'm never in sync with what he wants. He says there are lots of women my age that work as much as I do that still find time to work out and be thin. I'm 145 at 5'5"...I've put on 20 pounds in the past year....I started a new job that has been very stressful and requires long days, sometimes normal days, but not uncommon to have to work until midnight or the weekend. In those instances, he won't feed himself, but will wait for me to do so. Sometimes I really wish he could help out and take car of some things....it would mAke me feel like I had more of a partner.
And so, having had a series of arguments about how I'm not satisfying him, this weekend I went to church (haven't been in a year), and then went shopping to find a sex toy that I thought he'd really enjoy. I got home, and he'd been angry at me because I hadn't made breakfast, and then went doesn't the channel of how I'm just not in tune with him, the floor wasn't clean, and so on. Not what I feel would be in the real of a normal irritated chat about something your spouse did or did not do, but the kind thAt carries with it the weight of marriage failure.
I am just weary of the constant weight and discussion of the lens of failure he views me through.
I love him, but don't understand the constant oppression. I work long hours, I do the cooking and cleaning and errands and all the stuff that has to be done. I'm tired. I know that I'm not desired. And the more I try to allure him in the ways I know he likes, the more it seems like he doesn't like it. He's not attracted to me and is angry at me because he feels I am failing him.
I don't have a high sex drive, but have been seeing doctors to receive hormone therapy to help. It doesn't really help, at lease not at current dosages.
I feel that I am in a pit that has gotten so deep and so wide that I can no longer see the wall to climb up from.
My principles are sliding...watching more lesbian flicks with him. Introducing my friends into our sexual fantasies...I feel dirty. And unwanted.
I love him, but don't know how to get help. I've prayed for years....it just keeps getting worse....
Thanks for letting me share....I'm not sure I know the question I'm asking, but if there's anyone with insight please share....