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Old 02-28-2011, 09:16 PM   #46 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife has strayed physically and spiritually

I don't really have a reason to let go of my faith. It's pretty much all I have right now. God knows that you can never really depend on those you hope would be there to actually be there. I believe God has a plan for both of us. What I don't know is if it involves us together. I can only hope and live day by day. I wish it would just be as easy for me as it is for her to re-enter the world of dating but it isn't. For one, I'm still married. Two, I still love my wife. Throughout all of this, I've really come to understand whats meant when it the bible teaches how God loves us no matter how bad we mess up. Unconditional love. What a thing when you really understand it.
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Old 02-28-2011, 09:21 PM   #47 (permalink)
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I think without knowing it you are been there helping her, just not the way you think. I think you two had a daddy-daughter set up and she's simply rebelling. she used you to play out her past. You do sound controlling, albeit unintentionally. You sound like a lecturing father figure and she's simply rebelling against you- or her mother. its the same thing.

You have been there for her. she'll learn, like you said, that this lifestyle wont bring her happiness. she'll find a happy medium some day. it may or may not be with you but either way you will have helped her find happiness and heal from her past.
What is it that makes me sound controlling?
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Old 03-07-2011, 03:47 AM   #48 (permalink)
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At this point, faith is all i have. When people keep telling me that I need to move on, something down inside of me keeps telling me to hold on. I know there are some on this website that feel that moving on and finding someone else is the best thing for me, but my conviction is based on the fact that I know that God "hates" divorce and that the out clauses, infidelity and desertion, found in the bible were for man because of their hardened hearts, not because it was what God wanted. I see so many ways, where once reconciliation takes place, that this could benefit not only our marriage, but it could also benefit our ministry together as a pro-marriage couple who's relationship was dead but was brought back to life my God. I could see how God could be glorified when this difficult storm is weathered. I could see how God could take this bad situation and turn it into good. Ultimately, he's the one who has to fix this situation because Lord knows i've tried to do all i could. Because of my understanding of God's view of divorce, and with the fact that spouse and I both come from broken homes, one of my motivations is to break the cycle and teach our daughter what it means to be with someone through sickness and health, for richer for poor, for better or for worse, till death do them part.
I don't know how much of a comfort it will be to you; if God truly wants two people together, they will be together. I've seen him do a miracle in my own life, and lift a terrible burden from my heart that was keeping me from being able to properly love, and care for the wonderful gift he gave to me. I felt the hand of the divine in our meeting, and twice he has pulled us back from letting things go too far astray. He had to let me suffer awhile first, and know I was being arrogant not to put God at the center of our relationship. While I thanked him for her every day, I hadn't put him in the lead role. It was only when I got to the point that I knew I couldn't fix it myself, and after months of prayer that he was willing to hear, and intervene.

I pray that God will help you both to heal, and if its his will, forgive, and reconcile.
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Old 03-07-2011, 09:13 AM   #49 (permalink)
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I don't know how much of a comfort it will be to you; if God truly wants two people together, they will be together. I've seen him do a miracle in my own life, and lift a terrible burden from my heart that was keeping me from being able to properly love, and care for the wonderful gift he gave to me. I felt the hand of the divine in our meeting, and twice he has pulled us back from letting things go too far astray. He had to let me suffer awhile first, and know I was being arrogant not to put God at the center of our relationship. While I thanked him for her every day, I hadn't put him in the lead role. It was only when I got to the point that I knew I couldn't fix it myself, and after months of prayer that he was willing to hear, and intervene.

I pray that God will help you both to heal, and if its his will, forgive, and reconcile.
Right now, I'm fully aware that God's will will be done regardless of what I want. I don't have any control over her. That's Gods job. I don't really cry over this situation anymore but I did cry at church yesterday. The choir sang a song called "Changed" and it helped me to realize just how much he has been working on me throughout the last 5 months. It was this realization that caused me to become emotional. God has definitely allowed this situation in my life to teach me many things and to enable me to become a better witness and comfort others who are experiencing a storm in their life. In Isaiah 40:31, he showed me that it is the storm that allows the eagle to sore and to elevate to another level.

It would seem that my wife seems to be more like you in that she has wanted to be in control of our relationship instead of allowing God to be the main piece of the equation. I pray daily that God would be merciful to her knowing what the bible says about those who become full of pride and care little about Him or His word. This is extremely evident by her lack of church attendance, by her surrounding herself with ungodly friends, by her not accepting or even wanting Godly advice from those who love and care, etc. She's in Gods hands and that's scary. I will continue to pray for her.
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Old 03-07-2011, 01:03 PM   #50 (permalink)
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What is it that makes me sound controlling?
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i have not read all of your posts but these are two of your comments that i came across:

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I simply asked for her mom and our pastor to ask her to stop her activities. I never told them to tell her to come back to me.
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I didnt tell her to stop drinking because while with me she didn't do it very much. I did ask that she be conscious of the environments where she drank.
It is subtle. It probably seems like no big deal to you at all. But Im sure there is an onslaught of "suggestions" that you've continually dished out. Believe it or not these subtle suggestions and attempts to change her behavior make you controlling. This sort of behavior is reserved for parents not for spouses.
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Old 03-07-2011, 01:10 PM   #51 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife has strayed physically and spiritually

"<3" is not a dig at you. It's a heart. A lot of people use it when texting.

Obviously not very important in the grand scheme of things, but I thought I'd let you know.
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Old 03-07-2011, 05:58 PM   #52 (permalink)
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i have not read all of your posts but these are two of your comments that i came across:





It is subtle. It probably seems like no big deal to you at all. But Im sure there is an onslaught of "suggestions" that you've continually dished out. Believe it or not these subtle suggestions and attempts to change her behavior make you controlling. This sort of behavior is reserved for parents not for spouses.
Biana, I guess I need to put those 2 statements in their proper context. The first about the request to her mom was made after discovering inappropriate and sexual textual/email correspondence with other men. Is it wrong for me to not want my wife doing these things whether together, separated, or in the process of divorce. As a believer, I know any of these types of activities are especially wrong in a marriage. I'm not perfect and I will not pretend to be so. I have made many mistakes and will continue to do so, but I know that any type of relationship with another, whether they are emotional or physical, is inappropriate in a marriage. I was simply pleading with her Christian mother to stand up for what is right and ask her daughter to respect the fact that she was still married.

The 2nd comment about being conscious of where she drank didn't seem to be controlling. It was a simple request for her to respect my position as a minister. It was simply saying that what she did as my wife could not only affect her but me as well. I know some would say that this was a selfish request but I don't believe it was. I was fully aware of not only my obligation to live a life that would give no unbeliever reason to doubt my devotion to God or my commitment to doing right, but also that what I did could negatively affect my wife. I simply was asking her to do the same. I never told her. I simply made a request. I didn't care that she drank. There is no scripture saying it is sinful to drink but to overindulge.

None of what I said was an attempt to control her but were simply an attempt of a husband doing what I believe I should have done. I will not apologize for asking my wife to do right.
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Old 03-07-2011, 08:23 PM   #53 (permalink)
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The first about the request to her mom was made after discovering inappropriate and sexual textual/email correspondence with other men. Is it wrong for me to not want my wife doing these things whether together, separated, or in the process of divorce. As a believer, I know any of these types of activities are especially wrong in a marriage. I'm not perfect and I will not pretend to be so. I have made many mistakes and will continue to do so, but I know that any type of relationship with another, whether they are emotional or physical, is inappropriate in a marriage. I was simply pleading with her Christian mother to stand up for what is right and ask her daughter to respect the fact that she was still married.
I completely agree that her activities are wrong. But contacting her parents, and pastor, to try and convince her of such is very controlling. I know that makes no sense to you. You think all you want is what is best for her. But you're actually using that to justifying being controlling. It would be good for you to read Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend.

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It was a simple request for her to respect my position as a minister. It was simply saying that what she did as my wife could not only affect her but me as well. I didn't care that she drank. There is no scripture saying it is sinful to drink but to overindulge.
Im sure you made a lot of "requests" that she respect your station. As I've said before, i know your requests sound innocent to you but they dont sound innocent on this side of things. The above sounds incredibly domineering, demeaning, and un-loving. You have an image to uphold and she might damage that image. And now? Your worst fears are coming to life, arent they. Do you actually care about your marriage or is divorce just a major blow to your ministry? How would you look as a divorced minister? That's it, isnt it. I remember when you first came on here you were obsessed with the idea of not divorcing. You'd do anything to keep that from tarnishing your record.

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I will not apologize for asking my wife to do right.
You wouldnt be apologizing for asking her to do what is "right." Youd be apologizing for putting your image before loving her and for attempting to control her. Your resistance to acknowledge this isnt going to effect her. You will find this problem keeps surfacing, whether with her or a new girl. Apologizing to her isnt going to change her at all, she's already in the process of braking free of you. Apologizing will help you.
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Old 03-07-2011, 10:38 PM   #54 (permalink)
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I completely agree that her activities are wrong. But contacting her parents, and pastor, to try and convince her of such is very controlling. I know that makes no sense to you. You think all you want is what is best for her. But you're actually using that to justifying being controlling. It would be good for you to read Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend.
I don't know if you are a believer, but it would definitely help me to understand your viewpoint if I knew. Also, what I did in asking her mother and our pastor comes straight from the bible, that which I try my best to live by. I fall short, yes, i do, but it is the authority from which i try my best to govern my life.

Matthew 18 says this:

15 If your brother wrongs you, go and show him his fault, between you and him privately. If he listens to you, you have won back your brother.
16 But if he does not listen, take along with you one or two others, so that every word may be confirmed and upheld by the testimony of two or three witnesses.

They were my witnesses.


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Im sure you made a lot of "requests" that she respect your station. As I've said before, i know your requests sound innocent to you but they dont sound innocent on this side of things. The above sounds incredibly domineering, demeaning, and un-loving. You have an image to uphold and she might damage that image. And now? Your worst fears are coming to life, arent they. Do you actually care about your marriage or is divorce just a major blow to your ministry? How would you look as a divorced minister? That's it, isnt it. I remember when you first came on here you were obsessed with the idea of not divorcing. You'd do anything to keep that from tarnishing your record.
Nope, there were no more "requests" other than those any husband would have and nothing other than the same courtesies i extended to her. I didn't require that she go to bible study or Sunday school. I didn't require that she wear "preacher's wife's" clothing. I only asked that she let me know where she was going and what time i could expect her back as I voluntarily did for her EVERYTIME i left the house, because I felt a wife should know where her husband is. Was it asking too much to get the same in return? I didn't tell her she couldn't go out with her friends. I just asked that if she hang out with her girlfriends, that she not come home at 1 or 2am. And if asking for someone to do what is right is controlling, then shame on me.

It has absolutely nothing to do with trying to control her. And nothing to do with a "rep". You have no idea how much I LOVE my wife. You have no idea how I would trade anything in this world to have my wife back. The only thing i will not compromise is my devotion to God. I don't care about being a divorced minister. I would rather not be divorce PERIOD, minister or not. People say that unconditional love is not possible, but it is. Having endured much of what she has put me through over the last few months and still loving her as I do is unfathomable to many, but God loves me no matter what condition I'm in and that's how I feel about my wife. Good, bad, and all, I LOVE HER. I have even been told, by even some of her own family, that I'm crazy for fighting for her and my marriage in light of some of the things that are known to many, but "love" makes you do crazy things.
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Old 03-11-2011, 06:56 PM   #55 (permalink)
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So today was final hearing. It just WASN'T the final hearing. I tried to talk the logistics of the divorce weeks ago and she went on a tangent talking about how she didn't want to be with me anymore. I never mentioned anything along those lines so I didn't try to talk with her anymore. When the judge saw we could not agree her left saying he would order mediation. I don't know if this is good or bad. Obviously, she wasn't happy about it. I will take what I can get right now. I went in expecting to come out single but I didn't. Maybe it isn't God's will only time will tell. I will just keep praying and accept whatever God decides to do.

It's just so difficult seeing her in this state. She has allienated all of the close church members who have known us for a long time. She is so full of pride, in my opinion, and she can't see it. She has stated more than once that she's in control. Maybe God is trying to show her that He's in control. I don't know. I'll just P. U. S. H. (pray until something happens)
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Old 05-01-2011, 08:36 PM   #56 (permalink)
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Had a bit of a breakthrough on Wednesday. No, my wife didn't call and ask to reconcile. This breakthrough is more personal. After all these months of dealing with the adultery of my wife, it was pointed out to me that, although i did not engage in the outward act, I did inwardly commit adultery based on Matthew 5:27,28.

I've known porn was wrong and God has helped me tremendously in dealing with this issue and I've only indulged I think 6-7 times in the past 6 months with the last time being a little more than a month ago. I know what you may think, it's still there but these few times is really good for the time frame. I used to view it 6-7 in a week. But on Wednesday, I saw it for what it actually was, adultery in the eyes of God. I read that passage and began to study it more indepth and my hands began to shake uncontrollably with the conviction of what I had just learned. I'd read that passage tons of times before, but this particular time it really spoke to me.

It may not be enough to save my marriage or change my situation in other ways, but it did wonders for me and my relationship with God. This was one of those "WOW" moments.

Also, I was moved to return to the church I'd left a month or so ago and I revealed to the congregation my battle with pornography and the liberating experience I had earlier during the week. Oh man, it felt good to be completely open about my struggle. The public confession made me feel as though I no longer have to hide my issue. It felt sooooo good.
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