My wife of 10 years is in need of a spiritual awakening and I'm asking for your prayers. Most of my story is under the thread "Could someone please explain this 'fog'". Brief background though. I'm an ordained bapstist minister who has dealt with a pornography issue long before I was married and became a minister (pornography started around 14, got married at 24, became minister at 26). I have really got a good handle on the pornography now with the help of prayer and counseling. I've made some other mistakes throughout our relationship but none that can't be fixed. I accept full responsibility for my mistakes and am working on most if not all of them.
My wife asked for a separation in October and since then i have discovered and confronted her about an affair as well as some other inappropriate contact with other men. We have always been a couple who took great pride in our relationship with God and had a lot of involvement with ministry in the church. My wife has since blamed me for her indiscretion and has stated that she no longer wants to be with me. She filed for divorce the day after I called an individual she was having an emotional affair and who ended it immediately because wife was untruthful with him. Keep in mind that she threatened divorce after an initial confrontation on Oct. 20 but didn't file until Nov. 10. I understand that she's in this fog that most people have describe on this site and she has pretty much followed the script.
Right now, while I would obviously love to restore and resurrect our relationship, i've learned what it means to have unconditional love for another, my "one-flesh" mate. At this stage, I'm not chasing her, or constantly calling her, or any of that stuff because she knows where i stand. I'm no longer at her every beck and call, which has made her increasingly angry. My biggest concern is that, looking back, i now understand that months prior to the infidelity, she started to distance herself from the church and subsequently from God. She would miss occasionally, most of the time because she said she was too mad at me to go. Now, while people, specifically her mother's side of the family, feel this is a woman who's had enough, i see it differently. I see a woman who has strayed from God and has made herself vulnerable to Satan. During this separation/divorce, we agreed that we would still attend the same church, she has been absent 5 of the last 8 weeks. For years, we never missed a service, and now it's so easy for her to do. I was told by our pastor today that she said she would not be bringing in the new year at our church service tonight either, and that's the first time in 9 years she won't be there. She is desperately in need of a spiritual awakening and I just ask that you all pray for her. I know that until she comes back to God, there is little chance that she will come back to me.
Father we thank you for prayer and the power it brings
to align us with YOUR Will.
Jesus tells us to pray for those who hurt us and to forgive
them for what they do or don't do.
For he took on our sins and forgave us , though we rejected
him and knew him not b4, during, and after.
We ask for YOUR divine grace to fill us moment by moment as we try to live victorious lives daily in YOUR power & strength.
We ask that your WILL override our wills and deliver us from
evil of all kinds/sorts. For thine is the kingdom, the power
and the Glory forever and ever. Amen.
I will continue praying for you and your family also. Unfortunately, your wife probably won't find God again until she suffers humility. As long as someone has unbridled pride and no humility, they play in the Devil's house. At least that's how the story has gone with my estranged husband.
At this point, faith is all i have. When people keep telling me that I need to move on, something down inside of me keeps telling me to hold on. I know there are some on this website that feel that moving on and finding someone else is the best thing for me, but my conviction is based on the fact that I know that God "hates" divorce and that the out clauses, infidelity and desertion, found in the bible were for man because of their hardened hearts, not because it was what God wanted. I see so many ways, where once reconciliation takes place, that this could benefit not only our marriage, but it could also benefit our ministry together as a pro-marriage couple who's relationship was dead but was brought back to life my God. I could see how God could be glorified when this difficult storm is weathered. I could see how God could take this bad situation and turn it into good. Ultimately, he's the one who has to fix this situation because Lord knows i've tried to do all i could. Because of my understanding of God's view of divorce, and with the fact that spouse and I both come from broken homes, one of my motivations is to break the cycle and teach our daughter what it means to be with someone through sickness and health, for richer for poor, for better or for worse, till death do them part.
You have a problem in your marriage that will hinder your reconciliation.
Your religion.
I'm not bashing it. Hear me out.
You being a minister and a baptist and everyone at your church knowing of the affair makes it extremely hard for your wife to be around any and all of you.
Because you are a part of that hierarchy your wife's affair is being dealt with differently than if you were some Joe.
So she rejects the whole ball of wax. Posted via Mobile Device
I completely agree with you. Although you do have the "out", if you can find it in your heart to forgive, then that's what you should do. "Forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors..." I highly commend you on your patience and forgiving heart in this terrible situation. I agree that she has to get her heart right before she can return to the marriage. It's a heart issue and hers is hardened at the moment. Prayer is all you can do at the moment, but I'm a big believer in the power of prayer. We often see it as a last resort but God's ways are so much highter than our own. His thoughts aren't our thoughts. I'll be praying for your wife's heart to be pricked by the Holy Spirit to turn from her selfishness and to snap back to reality of how much she has gone astray. If she could "snap back" she probably wouldn't even recognize herself in the mirror. That place of contrition is right where God wants her and right where we have to pray for her to be.
Forgiveness has already been granted to her. I'm not sure at this point that she has or can forgive herself. I do know that holding on to my faith and persistent prayer is all i can do right now. Yes, i also know that it is a heart issue and that hers is solid as a rock right now. But I also know that God can take a heart of stone and turn it into a heart of flesh. And at this point, he's the only one that can do it. You are exactly right about the selfishness, too. Everything out of her mouth of late has been laced the I's and me's. She doesn't care about anybody else and that's never a good thing. I won't stop praying, though. Nothing is impossible when God is involved.
Wife called early this saying I changed her cell phone account password while trying to snoop on her. While I did a lot of snooping to discover her activities, I stopped doing that well over a month ago. She wouldn't stop blaming me long enough for me to tell her that she hadn't called the company to do the transfer of liability (I gave her the number 2 months ago) so while our bills are separate, her number is still linked to mine. I was just trying to get online to pay my bill but couldn't because of the changes she'd made. She tells me that she's been planning to leave me for years.
She has filed for PO but she complains when I don't respond to her phone calls. She got mad when I turned down her invite to be with her and daughter while she opened Xmas gifts. She doesnt want me to contact her but she can contact me. Throughout our relationship, I've never nor would I ever do anything to hurt her. I have been nice to her throughout all of this even after the numerous profanity laced texts, her throwing water in my face, and even at one point trying to hit me. She claims I stalked her by invading her privacy. She told me she would make my life hard if I just didn't give what she wanted and she is really trying. On the PO request, she even asked the judge to make me give her my car. She is just being vindictive.
She told them I threatened her when I mentioned the vow 'til death do us part' in one of our conversations. I know what some of you may think, but I'm not a violent person and I'm a God-fearing person who would never do anything like that. In the context of our conversation, one in which I was cool and calm while she yelled, I was simply trying to imply that a marriage is meant for the long haul and not until things get too hard or until one gets tired. I regret my choice of words now, but I meant nothing out of the way by my comment.
She also told me today that she's been getting advice from a male friend from school because he's been through divorce. She will take advice from someone she just recently got back in contact with but wont listen to anyone at our church who cares about us and our family. He doesn't know me or our daughter. I will continue praying until this situation reaches a conclusion. That's pretty much all I can do. Posted via Mobile Device
Here is what I am missing from your story MarkSaySay. Humility . I did not take the time to read your other thread, so I hope I will not be out of line, this is based on my thoughts here only - It appears from your story :
* Your wife is in need of a Spiritual awakening - but you are fine, you love unconditionally.
* She has strayed from God and has made herself vulnerable to Satan while you have remained steadfast, honorable, and vow -keeping.
* She has a heart of stone, Only God can Unharden her heart, HATES divorce , and she is vindictive,
* Only selfishness flows from her mouth
* You speak of her coming back to you to BENEFIT your marraige and the MINISTRY.
* Her family appears to be on HER side -feeling she has had "enough" , amazingly you did not say they were also inflenced by Satan and his Wiles.
* She took out a Protectioin Order against you.
* She told you she has been planning to leave you for years.
I do believe one thing: YOU ARE VERY GOD FEARING. Have you you ever considered you may come off and appear VERY Self-righteous along with this God fearing attitude you carry - to the point of pushing others away, damaging relationships with this ever present God Fearing "PRIDE"?
You appear to be very scripturally VOW CENTERED indeed, but without LOVE, what is this worth?
Not saying you do not have it or show it, but I could not gleem it from your posts -
I failed to see ONE sentence spoken about the DEEP LOVE /connection you & your wife once shared, what you desperately miss, your story comes off "cold" to me, scripturally judgemental -is this the only way you can make sense of it -blame it on Satan, or demean her for her weakness's. NO inner reflection on YOUR PART in this spiraling breakdown-that was in the making for years ? Your hand played zero Part, only some early Pornography issues that you have overcome?
You sound much more concerned about "the Glory Of God " - what others THINK and GoD's Holy Judgement than anyone's feelings , or human pain & loss of hearfelt love.
Have YOU lost the PASSION (not in a religious sense-but the Romantic human sense) for her somewhere down the road, what truly happend here ?
I am not trying to get on you (although it may appear so!), but sometimes we need to look DEEP within ourselves, judge where WE went wrong ALSO, what is that Jesus spoke about throwing the 1st stone. Your wife is not innocent, can you honestly boast you are ?
Many will not agree with me, but saving this marraige has little to do with what GOD does, it has everything to do with what YOU DO for starters ...... your caring & commitment to understanding human nature , the NEEDS of others & why they might do (even fall ) as they do, and humility before her for your own shortcomings in this marraige. Show her THIS very human side of YOU and maybe, just maybe, you will be able to boast of that "new beginning".
Here is what I am missing from your story MarkSaySay. Humility . I have read everything you have shared here: It appears from your story :
* Your wife is in need of a Spiritual awakening - but you are fine, you love unconditionally.
* She has strayed from God and has made herself vulnerable to Satan while you have remained steadfast, honorable, and vow -keeping.
* She has a heart of stone, Only God can Unharden her heart, HATES divorce , and she is vindictive,
* Only selfishness flows from her mouth
* You speak of her coming back to you to BENEFIT your marraige and the MINISTRY.
* Her family appears to be on HER side -feeling she has had "enough" , amazingly you did not say they were also inflenced by Satan and his Wiles.
* She took out a Protectioin Order against you.
* She told you she has been planning to leave you for years.
I do believe one thing: YOU ARE VERY GOD FEARING. Have you you ever considered you may come off and appear VERY Self-righteous along with this God fearing attitude you carry - to the point of pushing others away, damaging relationships with this ever present God Fearing "PRIDE"?
You appear to be very scripturally VOW CENTERED indeed, but without LOVE, what is this worth?
Not saying you do not have it or show it, but I could not gleem it from your posts -
I failed to see ONE sentence spoken about the DEEP LOVE /connection you & your wife once shared, what you desperately miss, your story comes off "cold" to me, scripturally judgemental -is this the only way you can make sense of it -blame it on Satan, or demean her for her weakness's. NO inner reflection on YOUR PART in this spiraling breakdown-that was in the making for years ? Your hand played zero Part, only some early Pornography issues that you have overcome?
You sound much more concerned about "the Glory Of God " - what others THINK and GoD's Holy Judgement than anyone's feelings , or human pain & loss of hearfelt love.
Have YOU lost the PASSION (not in a religious sense-but the Romantic human sense) for her somewhere down the road, what truly happend here ?
I am not trying to get on you (although it may appear so!), but sometimes we need to look DEEP within ourselves, judge where WE went wrong ALSO, what is that Jesus spoke about throwing the 1st stone. Your wife is not innocent, can you honestly boast you are ?
Many will not agree with me, but saving this marraige has little to do with what GOD does, it has everything to do with what YOU DO... your caring & commitment to understanding
of human nature , the NEEDS of others & why they might do (even fall ) as they do, and humility before her for your own shortcomings in this marraige. Show her THIS very human side of YOU and maybe, just maybe, you will be able to boast of that "new beginning".
I appreciate your take on the situation but you have to read my other thread 'could someone please explain this fog' to get the whole story. Understand that I am not placing all the blame on her. I'm fully aware of what role I played in this. During this time, I have taken the Love buster questionare to understand where I've fell short. I've have read tons of books and articles on relationships that have shown me many things I can do to correct my errors. I have done so much introspecting it's unreal. So no, I'm not blaming her for all of our issues, just half of it but she refuses to address her part, many of which she has mentioned before that she has but fails to address. I am far from prideful and have done nothing but accept my responsibility in this "mess".
Also there are some parts of her family dynamic that you must understand. Her fathers side of the family is full of infidelity and unfaithfulness so when I exposed her actions, her father actually said 'how did you find out?'. Her mother's side of the family is not for what she's doing, they just choose not to say anything about it. Her and her mother have had areally bad relationship as a whole and I feel her siding with my wife and not saying anything, although she knows, is her way of trying to be there for her to mend there relationship. I may be wrong but I really don't think I am.
And to answer your other question, no, I have not lost my deep live for my wife. Why else would you explain my willingness to fight for her inspire of all the things she's done. Yes, there is the commitment to God, but I live her DEEPLY, more than you can even imagine. She is a part of me. I miss hearing that funny giggle she has. I miss the little jokes she used to make, no matter how corny. I miss the conversations about where we used to be, where are, and where we were going together. Yes, I miss HER. I miss how we used to spend time playing games. I miss being able to show her how much I love her. I'm aware that I may not have done it as much as she wanted or maybe in the wrong Love Language, a book I'm reading now, but I did some awesome things for her and have more ideas but I just need the chance.
And yes, i do blame Satan since the bible says God hates divorce. And no, I have not been walking around throwing scriptures at her in order to manipulate her but I believe them and I try my best to live by them. I know I've fallen short often but I get back up. I don't look down on her or pass judgment, I just know that wrong is wrong. Speaking out against wrong is not passing judgment. I will continue to be prayerful and seek whatever Gods will is for our marriage and our family.
Also, as a believer, our motivation should always be to glorify God. Posted via Mobile Device
I tried to read some of your other thread WOW, very very very long !! I skimmed. Sounds like she hid alot from you, and eventually fell into a one night affair visiting a friend 2 hrs away, then after that, desiring more & more of other men? Is this the correct picture?
And before this, you hurt her by using pornography, you have been in counseling. If anything, having that in your past should help you be MORE understanding of others & their failings & sins even. You didnt sound like it originally in THIS thread, but the others seemed much less religious/critical in nature.
I take it your wife is in MID LIFE?
If so, I think many women just about loose their minds during this phase of life, we realize this is it - now or never !! We have this insane desire to RE LIVE our past, our youth, whatever we wanted to experience but maybe was too afraid too, or felt too guilty too -even !
Some loose their religion, some gain religion, some get Hyper sexual, some want to go to College, get into Politics. Some get into gardening & health , some want to go bungy jumping, climb a mountain ! It is a crazy super sensitive time of wanting to get WILD for the 1st time in our lives. And it can reak havoc on marraiges. Here is a thread by Southbound -similar situation , he can not make sense of why his wife did this to him ......much talk about women in mid life crisis's on these pages. Just don't understand?
If your wife has been the dutiful super spiritual picture perfect Pastors's wife & mother for all of these years, being on display for all to view & look up too, I would think this would be a TREMENDOUS amount of PRESSURE. Maybe it came to a boiling point. I surely wouldn't want it ! SHe probably had to hide much of what she was to almost everyone lest she would be judged or corrected by scripture.
What was bubbling under the surface of that I could not even begin to fathom. Living up to others expectations, that is never an easy road, then we start thinking we are BAD because we feel differently, maybe question some things , think wrongly, have sinful desires, fantasies, then are constantly told we are sinful, deserving of hell week after week sitting in a Church pew. I find this hard on the soul personally -not refreshing, but this is coming from someone who has "lost" their religiousness and I am happy to be where I am NOW.
Obviously, somewhere somehow she was not getting something she "felt" she NEEDED. Whether it be from you, from God ? What do you think?
Whether you are Christian or not makes no difference here, Resentment takes the same form in marraige, if she let something undisclosed fester in her. Maybe she didn't want to be a pastors wife -being so on display. Just a thought, I've heard it before reading others stories on here.
It sounds as though she never got over your Porn addiction, so unforgiveness & not trying to understand on her side also. What damage it does. My husband likes a little porn, now we enjoy it together, this openness we share has only spiced up the passion & sex life for us !! too bad the 2 of you could not have explored in this way, it could have given her a little fantasy and kept it all "at home". (But I know what I am saying to you- you will reject).
I am sorry for your pain & loss. I hope God will give you wisdom on how to deal with it all. Mid Life is a crazy time. Not easy for her either I am sure. No matter how it looks from the outside. I am sure she is in pain also.
better yet, i'll list it. u look it up in whatever version u have.
Jeremiah 17: 5-7
something to consider. but best to get some real believing
folk to AGREE with u in yer "holding out" phase of petitioning
prayer right now. dont get neg/angry/evil as she is, as u
know that'll only make things worse. but dont come off like a
wuss either, as she'll dispise you all the more.
better yet, i'll list it. u look it up in whatever version u have.
Jeremiah 17: 5-7
something to consider. but best to get some real believing
folk to AGREE with u in yer "holding out" phase of petitioning
prayer right now. dont get neg/angry/evil as she is, as u
know that'll only make things worse. but dont come off like a
wuss either, as she'll dispise you all the more.
shalom........
Thanks for the scripture. I'm fully aware of the consequences of the one who strays from God. There are more like this one in Jeremiah. The funny thing is, with all that she's done, my prayer is that God will be merciful towards her but I know he'll have to get her attention somehow.
Also, with the protective order thing, I'm praying that the judge will see it for what it really is, a woman basically being vindictive, and in essence, throwing a tantrum because she can't have her way, an uncontested, easy divorce. She wants me to not contact her but she can call me. She can come by my apartment. She even gets mad when I don't answer her calls. She even invited me to Xmas although I declined. The funny part is on her PO, she requested that judge make me give her my car and that I be ordered to pay child support. That's funny. She's the one who has sent profanity laced texts. She's the one that has thrown water in my face. She's the one that tried to hit me. She's the one who threatened to damage my car. She's the one who has shown all the aggression but she says I scare her. All of this has just rolled off my back and I've remained cool, calm, and collective through it all. I WILL NOT repay evil for evil. Posted via Mobile Device
Update...God is awesome. I don't know what he's doing but he's doing something. Showed up for restraining order hearing and it had to be rescheduled due to her relationship with the judge. He was her professor when she was in college. Since he was also to hear our divorce case, it also has to be rescheduled. It just seems like God is letting her know that, in spite of her plans, he has something else in mind. Needless to say, she wasn't happy about it. I will continue to pray that Gods will be done. Posted via Mobile Device
Wife has strayed physically and spiritually 
