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post #16 of 36 (permalink) Old 07-19-2014, 05:19 PM
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Re: My husband is demanding I leave my church..

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I am going to try this tomorrow. We have services in the morning at Assembly and at his dad's church it's in the evening.
According to him, he doesn't want me going at all.... I really think it's a "loyalty" to his dad's church kinda thing.

One evening that we were visiting his dad's church, before we came back his mother said (during the petitions), and I quote,

"I want all my kids back in this church, and I want them here while I'm alive, not when I'm dead because by then I won't see them".

I told him later that she was bribing them, or using the guilt trip. I said why can't she be happy that her kids are at least in a church and serving God? Why does she have to be selfish?

But of course, he defended her and said, "Well, that's her prayer, and she just wants what's best for her kids."
If you go to both churches then the mother’s claims have no merritt.

Be careful about telling a son that his mother is a manipulator and uses bribes and guilt. You maybe right but just like your son would not want to fight with you if you were wrong, your husband is not going to get into a fight with his mother but will try to smooth it over just like he did.

It is never wise to present a situation that the son has to choose between his mother and wife


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post #17 of 36 (permalink) Old 07-19-2014, 05:39 PM
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Re: My husband is demanding I leave my church..

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If I refuse to go he makes my life hell for several days....silent treatment, slamming doors, leaving right after work to go pick up his dinner (even though I cook dinner) , watching movies really loud, etc.
**So then I can't sleep, eat, and I go to work tired and stressed.

**To me, this is just part of his controlling ways. YES...he is a good husband He's affectionate, works hard, provides for the our college kids, etc. BUT...he also been controlling in ways. We have made it thru physical abuse (1st 10yrs of our marriage, until I finally fought back and threatened to have him arrested.), verbal abuse, secrets, etc. I have not been the perfect wife, but I've never been abusive or cheated on him.

At this point in my life, at 46, I'd rather be single. That way I can breathe
He's always been the type that just wanted me to agree with him...if I didn't he would act like a big baby and argue til' I gave in. At 46 I'm tired of dealing w/ this..and YES, I should have stopped this a LONG time ago, but back then during the abusive years, I tried to keep the peace for the sake of my kids and my sanity.

He's a good person, but has issues, like we all do. I just wish I could be an individual person and be loved for who I am.


Quote:
I just wish I could be an individual person and be loved for who I am.

That seems to be the main issue but the church attendance thing is additional gas thrown on the fire.

You feel controlled and unloved for who you are so what does your husband say when you tell him this?
What could he do to improve so that you do not feel controlled and unloved?
Why have you not gone to individual counseling or other helps?




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At this point in my life, at 46, I'd rather be single. That way I can breathe


From what you have written you would be making a mistake by leaving the marriage. Your claims are mostly your feelings. I did not see much in your posts that proves by his actions that you are not loved for who you are. As for you being an individual person that is up to you. You live in America not Afghanistan

As you have said, your husband has issues but from what you described he has a LOT more positive qualities than negative. The negatives that you have described about him are not serious enough for you to break up the family.


My guess is that you need to get help with your situation. I am not saying you are wrong I am saying that you can change things for your betterment within your own power.
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post #18 of 36 (permalink) Old 07-21-2014, 02:33 PM
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Re: My husband is demanding I leave my church..

Read up on the difference between religious and religiosity.

Also, look up the tenets of of both your new church and that of your husband's church.

Attend that which satisfies your religious needs.

Anyone bullying you or manipulating you to attend a particular faith sounds 180 degrees from what Jesus would have done, IMHO.

BTW, any chance of learning a little more Spanish?
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post #19 of 36 (permalink) Old 07-21-2014, 02:38 PM
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Re: My husband is demanding I leave my church..

Your problem is the fact that you are even practicing religion.

Without it, there would be no problem.



I'm sorry
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post #20 of 36 (permalink) Old 07-21-2014, 03:55 PM
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Re: My husband is demanding I leave my church..

In my experience, most of the time a "family" church is set up, it's typically a major control scheme. From what you've described of his father's behavior, mother's behavior, and his own behavior, such a thing would not surprise me a bit.

The insistence upon your attending when a) you don't understand the language spoken, b) you are not comfortable with members being publicly shamed (and I wouldn't be, either!), c) you admit you've had issues with other behaviors in the past (have those changed?) d) strong-arming tactics meant to shame you and your husband into compliance and e) you don't want to, and have your own church which is fulfilling you... I don't blame you for being cautious.
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post #21 of 36 (permalink) Old 07-21-2014, 11:23 PM
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Re: My husband is demanding I leave my church..

If the mother's prayer is wanting what is best for her kids is she also willing to accept that what God wants might not line up with her idea of best?
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post #22 of 36 (permalink) Old 09-17-2014, 09:23 PM
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Re: My husband is demanding I leave my church..

He is abusive emotionally, which used to include physical abuse. He learned this behavior from his parents. From what I have read by John Gottman, it is not possible for you to change his behavior, you will have to give in or get out.
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post #23 of 36 (permalink) Old 09-19-2014, 12:18 PM
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Re: My husband is demanding I leave my church..

Since he was physically abusive at one time, I believe it would be prudent to leave without notice with no forwarding address. Check with local organization that helps with getting out of an abusive relationship. You could be putting yourself in physical danger judging from what I have read about abusive relationships.
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post #24 of 36 (permalink) Old 11-18-2014, 10:22 AM
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Re: My husband is demanding I leave my church..

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Originally Posted by DoF View Post
Your problem is the fact that you are even practicing religion.

Without it, there would be no problem.
Yes there would. Something else in their lives would instead become the 'carrier' of the husband's manipulation, guilt-tripping etc.

Depressing how so-called "Christians" use their religious "beliefs" (I'd call them something like "adherences" instead) to make problems rather than help solve them. The author and therapist James Hollis refers to people who "go to church to avoid religious experience" [google the whole phrase in quotes for its source] and it sure sounds as if the husband could do with some psychological 'loosening up'. This 'family church' drama will just be entrenching his attitudes though.
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post #25 of 36 (permalink) Old 11-20-2014, 08:30 AM
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Smile Re: My husband is demanding I leave my church..

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Originally Posted by wonderingwife View Post
Back in August, we left the "family" church, I say family because it's mostly made up of family, his father is the pastor. We left it and joined another church. After 2 months we became members. I LOVED It there!!!! I was learning so much, and loved everything about it.
At my father in laws church it's 90% spanish. (Preaching and music, Pentecostal), for years I was miserable, I only went to please my husband. I don't understand 100% spanish, so the songs and preaching had no meaning to me.
The church we joined was all english. I was learning so much and could feel the presence of the Lord.
About 2-3 months ago, my inlaws started making my hubby feel guilty for leaving. So he would go to church there, and I would go to my church. Last week he started demanding that I "support" him and go to his church. We have argued many times since then.

I am emotionally and physically drained. I'm torn between the love I feel for the church and my husband. Part of me is ready to leave him and end my marriage. We have been married for 26 yrs. and it has been mostly good but I now feel resentment toward him and my inlaws. At his Dad's church my husband is a "co-pastor" and plays the guitar. At the other church, of course he didn't do these things, so his parents told him he wasn't following God's calling.

Counseling is out of the question...he's stubborn and says I'm not being the Godly wife and supporting him.
My heart aches at the thought of not going back to my church.

What do I do? God knows WHY I don't want to go back to his dad's church...lots of dysfunction. God knows my heart...
What do I do???

Thank you.
Hey Wonder, I know how you feel my wife and i encountered the same problem regarding faith. I am a Catholic and she's a Christian. Yes of course i feel the same pressure coming from my in laws and my family is putting pressure on her as well. Here in the Philippines Religion is everything. there are times we would argue which church we would go.It came to a point where we have decided that she can go to her church on sunday and take the kids and as for me go to my own church. To be honest i have nothing against going to another church for me we only have one God and my wife feels the same as well the only difference is their interpretation regarding the teachings of the Bible. So i explained to my in laws our decision it's a huge step for me and my wife because our marriage was on the rocks that time (well it's still though because of her addiction with MLM but not that detrimental) For me its just a matter of compromise since you said you learned so much from your church and your husband is comfortable with his family church so why not let him go attend his church and you attend yours and at the end of the day each of you grows spiritually (isn't that our main motive why we go to church) explained to him that "hey i am sorry i don't understand Spanish and i feel with my church i grow and learned so much. I would be able to learn from your church its just that i am not proficient with the Spanish language" At the end of the day both of you are happy with it. well hey i am not saying you do this maybe you and your husband can come up with a set-up where both of you would be comfortable with the teachings of your church. I am not saying that this set-up is right, it works for me and my wife im just sharing it.

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post #26 of 36 (permalink) Old 11-20-2014, 02:54 PM
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Re: My husband is demanding I leave my church..

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Originally Posted by wonderingwife View Post
I am going to try this tomorrow. We have services in the morning at Assembly and at his dad's church it's in the evening.
According to him, he doesn't want me going at all.... I really think it's a "loyalty" to his dad's church kinda thing.

One evening that we were visiting his dad's church, before we came back his mother said (during the petitions), and I quote,

"I want all my kids back in this church, and I want them here while I'm alive, not when I'm dead because by then I won't see them".

I told him later that she was bribing them, or using the guilt trip. I said why can't she be happy that her kids are atleast in a church and serving God? Why does she have to be selfish?

But of course, he defended her and said, "Well, that's her prayer, and she just wants what's best for her kids."
Get the book Emotional Blackmail. This mother is using emotional blackmail tactics in spades.

The day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to Blossom. - Anais Nin
Never underestimate the potential for things to improve in ways you cannot yet imagine. Karen Rohlf
Be soft as possible, but firm as necessary - Pat Parelli


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post #27 of 36 (permalink) Old 11-20-2014, 02:57 PM
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Re: My husband is demanding I leave my church..

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Originally Posted by wonderingwife View Post
If I refuse to go he makes my life hell for several days....silent treatment, slamming doors, leaving right after work to go pick up his dinner (even though I cook dinner) , watching movies really loud, etc.
**So then I can't sleep, eat, and I go to work tired and stressed.

**To me, this is just part of his controlling ways. YES...he is a good husband He's affectionate, works hard, provides for the our college kids, etc. BUT...he also been controlling in ways. We have made it thru physical abuse (1st 10yrs of our marriage, until I finally fought back and threatened to have him arrested.), verbal abuse, secrets, etc. I have not been the perfect wife, but I've never been abusive or cheated on him.

At this point in my life, at 46, I'd rather be single. That way I can breathe
He's always been the type that just wanted me to agree with him...if I didn't he would act like a big baby and argue til' I gave in. At 46 I'm tired of dealing w/ this..and YES, I should have stopped this a LONG time ago, but back then during the abusive years, I tried to keep the peace for the sake of my kids and my sanity.

He's a good person, but has issues, like we all do. I just wish I could be an individual person and be loved for who I am.

And you need a lot of books for this one. Click the link in my signature and there is a book list there that will be VERY instrumental in understanding what it is your H is doing to control you. GOOD for you that you set him straight on having him arrested. I did the same with my H. He attempts to control you through intimidation tactics. Which is still the Emotional Blackmail book but there are others that dive deeper in to abuse issues as well.

ETA: Old thread... OP might not be posting anymore

The day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to Blossom. - Anais Nin
Never underestimate the potential for things to improve in ways you cannot yet imagine. Karen Rohlf
Be soft as possible, but firm as necessary - Pat Parelli


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post #28 of 36 (permalink) Old 11-20-2014, 03:59 PM
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Re: My husband is demanding I leave my church..

Seems daddy and his church failed to teach his son about tolerance.

IIRC, there's a Toleration Act of Maryland that pre-dates US independence,, guaranteeing religious freedom.

Bullying ones spouse is plain un-Christian.
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post #29 of 36 (permalink) Old 11-28-2014, 06:50 AM
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Re: My husband is demanding I leave my church..

His momma needs to get right with the Lord. So does the hubby if he had problems with you going to a service you are comfortable and being fed at...as long as they are teaching the truth from the bible. It is your husbands duty as the spiritual leader in the home to make sure what you are being taught there lines up...so he should be attending with you! If there is not a morning service why would he not want to be in God's house in the morning also. He should want to attend service with you just to be fed more. If the in laws are pressuring you due to how it looks then they need to get right!
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post #30 of 36 (permalink) Old 11-30-2014, 06:44 AM
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Re: My husband is demanding I leave my church..

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Originally Posted by Mykice View Post
I am a Catholic and she's a Christian.
In other words you are both Christian then.
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