My husband is demanding I leave my church.. - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 36 (permalink) Old 07-17-2014, 03:48 PM Thread Starter
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My husband is demanding I leave my church..

Back in August, we left the "family" church, I say family because it's mostly made up of family, his father is the pastor. We left it and joined another church. After 2 months we became members. I LOVED It there!!!! I was learning so much, and loved everything about it.
At my father in laws church it's 90% spanish. (Preaching and music, Pentecostal), for years I was miserable, I only went to please my husband. I don't understand 100% spanish, so the songs and preaching had no meaning to me.
The church we joined was all english. I was learning so much and could feel the presence of the Lord.
About 2-3 months ago, my inlaws started making my hubby feel guilty for leaving. So he would go to church there, and I would go to my church. Last week he started demanding that I "support" him and go to his church. We have argued many times since then.

I am emotionally and physically drained. I'm torn between the love I feel for the church and my husband. Part of me is ready to leave him and end my marriage. We have been married for 26 yrs. and it has been mostly good but I now feel resentment toward him and my inlaws. At his Dad's church my husband is a "co-pastor" and plays the guitar. At the other church, of course he didn't do these things, so his parents told him he wasn't following God's calling.

Counseling is out of the question...he's stubborn and says I'm not being the Godly wife and supporting him.
My heart aches at the thought of not going back to my church.

What do I do? God knows WHY I don't want to go back to his dad's church...lots of dysfunction. God knows my heart...
What do I do???

Thank you.

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post #2 of 36 (permalink) Old 07-17-2014, 04:12 PM
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Re: My husband is demanding I leave my church..

Bottom line, if you're not understanding the sermons nor getting a blessing from them, then they aren't helping you grow as a Christian. Has your husband even discussed doing some sort of special music at the church you currently attend? Has he even asked about youth leadership, music ministry, etc. at the other church? The one thing I will agree with the inlaws about is that if he is not using his gift, then he is not following God's leading. That doesn't mean going back to the family church, necessarily. It could mean doing any of the things I mentioned above. Truthfully, it sounds like the only reason he went back is because they guilted him into it. If that is the case, then he still is not following God's leading. All I can say is talk to him and explain exactly why it is a problem for you... and pray about it.

You can use the 2x4 without adding nails to it.
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post #3 of 36 (permalink) Old 07-17-2014, 04:25 PM
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Re: My husband is demanding I leave my church..

Can you go to services at both churches? Morning at one, evening at the other?

I can understand (and I'm not even religious) your husband's desire to have you at "his" church. But I can also understand you wanting to get more out of the service. What about improving your Spanish skills?

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post #4 of 36 (permalink) Old 07-17-2014, 04:33 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My husband is demanding I leave my church..

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Originally Posted by Maricha75 View Post
Bottom line, if you're not understanding the sermons nor getting a blessing from them, then they aren't helping you grow as a Christian. Has your husband even discussed doing some sort of special music at the church you currently attend? Has he even asked about youth leadership, music ministry, etc. at the other church? The one thing I will agree with the inlaws about is that if he is not using his gift, then he is not following God's leading. That doesn't mean going back to the family church, necessarily. It could mean doing any of the things I mentioned above. Truthfully, it sounds like the only reason he went back is because they guilted him into it. If that is the case, then he still is not following God's leading. All I can say is talk to him and explain exactly why it is a problem for you... and pray about it.
The other church is Assembly of God, so when they asked my husband for his Pastor credentials, the showed them a card that was given to him by another Pastor. They let my husband preach one time since our Pastor was going to be out. But after that they didn't ask him anymore. I did church Nursery but then my husband would get upset about sitting in church w/out me. :/ they have youth pastors, etc so I'm guessing they didn't have a spot for my husband, or...they have their reasons. He knows the language barrier is a problem for me, I even told him Mom this, and she said, "When it's the Holy Spirit, you will feel it anyway." Well, I'm guessing the Holy Spirit isn't present if I'm not feeling it.
So...I pray. I talk to God, I beg him to help me. When I do go to church w/ my hubby I'm miserable. There is no structure, and I don't agree w/ their ways.
For ex: one evening I was visiting and my father in law, pulls out a spiral...he starts going over names and amounts of people who gave tithes and offerings. Like, Ms. Gonzales gave $50, etc. I was appalled!!! I felt so sad for those that were there. How dare he do this!!!! I've never seen this done in other churches...I feel like offerings are a private thing, not public.

My husband has always been the "its my way or the highway" kinda guy....and these past few years the highway seems to look more appealing to me.

He is so good in other areas....does housework, giving, loving, funny, good father, provider, etc.
but I'm guessing because of his upbringing, he won't cut the cord to his family.
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post #5 of 36 (permalink) Old 07-17-2014, 05:08 PM
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Re: My husband is demanding I leave my church..

I'm curious, why did you and your husband leave the "family" church?
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post #6 of 36 (permalink) Old 07-17-2014, 10:23 PM Thread Starter
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I'm curious, why did you and your husband leave the "family" church?
When we left last August it was because we didn't agree with some of
His dads practices. We tried talking to his parents
But nothing changed. One night I told my hubby
That I needed to seek God. That I was going to have to
Answer to him myself. So a couple of days later
He found Assembly of God and we loved it. It
Angered his family that we left.
But NOW he's saying that he left because he was
Seeking "fellowship" not God and he was wrong.
I don't buy it.
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post #7 of 36 (permalink) Old 07-17-2014, 10:47 PM
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Re: My husband is demanding I leave my church..

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I am emotionally and physically drained. I'm torn between the love I feel for the church and my husband.
You shouldn't have to choose between the two. You married your husband, not his church. There is no law that says couples must attend the same church. He goes to his, you go to yours, children take turns. Would that really be a problem?

Quote:
Counseling is out of the question...he's stubborn and says I'm not being the Godly wife and supporting him.
Then emphasize the counseling is for both of you. There's nothing un-Godly about going to counseling. However - you have to set realistic goals. A counselor can find ways for you two to settle your disputes better, but he/she can't make the decision over which Church you both should attend. That's entirely up to you.
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post #8 of 36 (permalink) Old 07-18-2014, 10:24 PM
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Re: My husband is demanding I leave my church..

Quote:
By Pbear
Can you go to services at both churches? Morning at one, evening at the other?

WonderingWife
Did you overlook this post above?

Of course the number one priority is to be fed by the spirit but you also have a very good husband (minus the disagreement about his father’s church). Can you tolerate a few hours a week at your husband’s church then go your church?

It would seem that going to both churches maybe a solution. Leaving your husband that has a lot of good points over this issue may be very detrimental to you; especially since there seems to be a solution. If you decide to leave be prepared to stay single or not expect to get a husband as good as you described below. It may not be fair but divorced men and women that are nearing their 50s that have children are not in big demand and they usually draw people that have a lot of baggage. Of course you could get lucky, but what are the chances of that?
Of course you could also stay single.

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By Wonderingwife
He is so good in other areas....does housework, giving, loving, funny, good father, provider, etc.
but I'm guessing because of his upbringing, he won't cut the cord to his family.
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post #9 of 36 (permalink) Old 07-18-2014, 10:30 PM
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Re: My husband is demanding I leave my church..

His mother isn't too bright is she... I used to hear ignorant statements fall out of the mouths of some of the adults in my church when I was a youth and it was because they were not very educated people. And your father in law is not behaving in a Godly way, attempting to control his son and you. The tithe thing is just unethical.
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post #10 of 36 (permalink) Old 07-18-2014, 10:38 PM
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Re: My husband is demanding I leave my church..

Quote:
And your father in law is not behaving in a Godly way, attempting to control his son and you. The tithe thing is just unethical.

Exacally!

But what are her options? Seperate, Divorce, give in, refuse to go to her husbad's church?


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post #11 of 36 (permalink) Old 07-19-2014, 12:29 AM
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Re: My husband is demanding I leave my church..

I would refuse to go to his church.

Her husband also needs to wake up because he is losing her respect by not standing up to his father, accepting what his dad is doing through not offering a challenge to him, and most of all, not loving his wife enough to wait her to receive as much of the word of God as she can. That is, of he really believes in ask of that stuff... Or it is all macho control issues in which case there is even more reason to attend the church she likes and understands.

I really thought this thread was going to be a guy wanting her to leave a church because it gives her crazy ideas or something. From a conservative religious point of view she is up against honor your mother and father and the husband is the head of the family. But being legalistic rather than examining what is being honored and obeyed is pretty anti intellectual and in my opinion anti God.
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post #12 of 36 (permalink) Old 07-19-2014, 09:46 AM Thread Starter
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Re: My husband is demanding I leave my church..

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Can you go to services at both churches? Morning at one, evening at the other?

I can understand (and I'm not even religious) your husband's desire to have you at "his" church. But I can also understand you wanting to get more out of the service. What about improving your Spanish skills?

C
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I am going to try this tomorrow. We have services in the morning at Assembly and at his dad's church it's in the evening.
According to him, he doesn't want me going at all.... I really think it's a "loyalty" to his dad's church kinda thing.

One evening that we were visiting his dad's church, before we came back his mother said (during the petitions), and I quote,

"I want all my kids back in this church, and I want them here while I'm alive, not when I'm dead because by then I won't see them".

I told him later that she was bribing them, or using the guilt trip. I said why can't she be happy that her kids are atleast in a church and serving God? Why does she have to be selfish?

But of course, he defended her and said, "Well, that's her prayer, and she just wants what's best for her kids."
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post #13 of 36 (permalink) Old 07-19-2014, 09:54 AM Thread Starter
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Re: My husband is demanding I leave my church..

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I would refuse to go to his church.

Her husband also needs to wake up because he is losing her respect by not standing up to his father, accepting what his dad is doing through not offering a challenge to him, and most of all, not loving his wife enough to wait her to receive as much of the word of God as she can. That is, of he really believes in ask of that stuff... Or it is all macho control issues in which case there is even more reason to attend the church she likes and understands.

I really thought this thread was going to be a guy wanting her to leave a church because it gives her crazy ideas or something. From a conservative religious point of view she is up against honor your mother and father and the husband is the head of the family. But being legalistic rather than examining what is being honored and obeyed is pretty anti intellectual and in my opinion anti God.

If I refuse to go he makes my life hell for several days....silent treatment, slamming doors, leaving right after work to go pick up his dinner (even though I cook dinner) , watching movies really loud, etc.
**So then I can't sleep, eat, and I go to work tired and stressed.

**To me, this is just part of his controlling ways. YES...he is a good husband He's affectionate, works hard, provides for the our college kids, etc. BUT...he also been controlling in ways. We have made it thru physical abuse (1st 10yrs of our marriage, until I finally fought back and threatened to have him arrested.), verbal abuse, secrets, etc. I have not been the perfect wife, but I've never been abusive or cheated on him.

At this point in my life, at 46, I'd rather be single. That way I can breathe
He's always been the type that just wanted me to agree with him...if I didn't he would act like a big baby and argue til' I gave in. At 46 I'm tired of dealing w/ this..and YES, I should have stopped this a LONG time ago, but back then during the abusive years, I tried to keep the peace for the sake of my kids and my sanity.

He's a good person, but has issues, like we all do. I just wish I could be an individual person and be loved for who I am.
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post #14 of 36 (permalink) Old 07-19-2014, 11:23 AM
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Re: My husband is demanding I leave my church..

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Counseling is out of the question...he's stubborn and says I'm not being the Godly wife and supporting him.
Thank you.
You should tell him that by not letting you enjoy the feelings that you get when you attend your church of choice is not a real good example of him being a "Godly Husband".

You might ask him if he believes that there is only one God or one for your church and God2.0 at his.

Not to mention that you should remind him that he's also a co pastor of his church and I always though that no matter what denomination, that you should preach tolerance and so far, he needs to brush up on being a preacher.
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post #15 of 36 (permalink) Old 07-19-2014, 05:10 PM
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Re: My husband is demanding I leave my church..

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I would refuse to go to his church.

That certainly is one option. Another option would be for her to tell her husband that she is going to go to his church and fulfill the conservative religious point of view and then she is going to honor God by feeding her spirit at the other church.

Frankly I think that the hurt is so intense to her right now that she is overreacting a bit when she says

Quote:
BY WONDERINGWIFE
Part of me is ready to leave him and end my marriage. We have been married for 26 yrs. and it has been mostly good but I now feel resentment toward him and my inlaws


If she left her husband because he wants her to go to his church to please the father-in-law, I would have to say that is not a good enough reason especially since she can also go to the church that she enjoys. Additionally, she would not be happy if she ended the marriage and retained the resentment.

Really, how much of a sacrifice is it to go to his church for 1-4 hours a week? Then she can go to her church; if he does not like her going to both churches then that is his problem and he will have to deal with that. If the husband will not accept her going to both churches then I would wonder where his spiritual priorities are then she should go to both churches anyway.

In any case I do not think that this issue is worth ending a good marriage. If he was an adulterer, abandoned the family, or other serious abuses then that would be a no brainer, get out of the marrage. However, here below is what she said about her husband

Quote:
By Wonderingwife
He is so good in other areas....does housework, giving, loving, funny, good father, provider, etc.
but I'm guessing because of his upbringing, he won't cut the cord to his family.
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