Hi. Thanks in advance for reading and responding. My husband and I met 10 years ago at a conservative Evangelical college. Although we both labeled ourselves at the time as conservative Evangelicals, I was instantly attracted to his giving, loving spirit. He really is an amazing man - kind, funny, good-looking, very intelligent, and with an endless loving, forgiving heart. He taught me what real, unconditional love is. We got engaged just months after he came back from an African mission trip where he learned to be profoundly thankful for what we have. He wanted to go live in Africa, just so he could experience God in that tangible way.
A few years into our marriage, I started seriously questioning my Christian faith. Our world was shattered the day I finally said, "I'm just not a Christian any more." To reconcile our differences in how to raise our children, we went to marriage counseling for a very rocky year and a half. We now attend a church that meets my stipulations (complete equality for women and an open-mindedness toward other faiths), yet still teaches the kids Jesus and the Bible as per his faith.
So, all's well that ends well, right? Not so fast. See, my blossoming faith has taken me in a drastically different direction than him. I now label myself as Hindu/Buddhist. I want to put an altar to my Goddess in our house. I want to talk to the kids about reincarnation. What's more, I've been reading a lot lately about the traditional Eastern value of simplifying my life, and I'm ready to get rid of our 3,000 sq-foot house and our multiple vehicles and start living with less. I've become convicted that our consumer-driven lifestyle is making slaves of people halfway around the world, and just because we can't see them doesn't mean we can't stop the slavery. (Remember the movie Blood Diamond?) I was very moved by a comment from a leader at the G8 summit who said that Americans are living like first-class passengers on a jet, acting as though a problem in coach doesn't affect us. I don't want to be that person!
My husband, on the other hand, has lost that "Africa mission" part of himself that I was so attracted to. He dreams of being a millionaire, and we will be within the next 15 years if we keep up our mutual fund contributions. He has dreamed of driving a BMW since he was little. He's constantly talking about getting a flat-screen TV as big as the huts a lot of people in the world have to live in! He wants a media room in our house. He wants a computer for each person in our house. He wants nice shoes, nice watches, marble counter-tops in the kitchen and a rock waterfall in the yard.
We both feel trapped. Most women would LOVE to be married to a successful man like him. Being married to him is almost a guarantee of wealth, but that's not what I signed up for. I signed up for the guy who wouldn't hesitate to volunteer for the Red Cross, the guy who (I thought) would drop everything, including his job, to go to New Orleans and help the Katrina victims. Instead I got the guy who didn't want to contribute to the Katrina relief fund, because that money could be better spent by us on latte's!
I'm losing respect for him. I know his heart is good - I know that amazing, giving saint is under there, wrapped up in $300 suits. I can't leave him. I made a promise on our wedding day, and if there's one thing I've learned from my spiritual study it's that I can't live with myself if I break my promise! Besides, we have 3 small children together. Divorce is a no-go.
I understand that he feels betrayed by my new faith. He thought I would an Evangelical Christian forever, and he thought we were going to live a traditional, American, suburban life. That's what he signed up for, and he's hurt and confused by my change. He points out (nicely), and he's quite right, that most people would be so thankful for the posh life he's giving me. However, I feel a crushing weight on my chest when I think about living this meaningless, selfish life one more year. I feel like a hypocrite every single day I drive my gas-guzzling minivan around.
We went to a marriage counselor about this, and she basically said, "Sounds like you're gonna end up divorced!" When we said that's not an option, she said, "So you do your thing all day, he'll do his thing all day, and then you can both come home and sleep in the same bed." What kind of marriage counselor recommends emotional divorce? There has to be a better answer.
Any ideas? How have the rest of you reconciled two drastically different lifestyles in your marriages? I saw the post from 2007 from the guy whose wife suddenly became Amish. Most people recommended divorce. Let me be doubly clear - I could never live with myself if I divorced my husband. I don't make promises lightly (only about 3 or 4 ever in my life) and I promised him I would not leave him. Any advice would be MUCH appreciated!
Catch 22. Either you are unhappy with what you have but keep the wealth, or you go in a new direction without him. The point is you both feel betrayed. You are not the christian woman he met, fell in love with and the children he brought into the world. He is not the self sacroficing man you fell in love with.
You're so right Draconis. We both feel betrayed - as though we married one person and got another. I saw the kind things he was doing throughout our dating life and thought surely he would be willing to extend that to living a drastically different kind of giving life. It was unfair of me to project myself onto him like that. On the other hand, I went on all the dates with him where we hopped from one nice restaurant to another. And to be fair, I had NO idea who I was - I was too young (20). He projected what he wanted onto me, although I think he did less projection since I had much less idea what I wanted out of life then than he did at that age.
I guess everyone does this some in dating - you imagine who the other person is instead of seeing them for who they really are. But ours has been magnified by both of us having a radical spiritual transformation. Mine was when I left Christianity, and his was the day we got married and he was suddenly hit with the sense of having to be a provider! He cut our scheduled honeymoon short to go work! I'm thankful for what we have (especially in this economy). I just wish he had as much of a sense of the responsibility of providing spiritually as he does financially.
He told me recently that all through our dating life, he was just pretending to be deeply spiritual so I would go out with him. Like he says, I would say something meaningful, and he would make something up really quick to go along with it! He says I'm asking him for something he doesn't have to give. I don't believe him for a minute. He certainly didn't make up his thoughtful journal from Africa which is where he decided to propose to me. His other friends from college describe him as deep and thoughtful, flexible, and ready to change to make his life more meaningful.
We disagree about EVERYTHING! If we're setting the thermostat, he says, "I am willing to pay more so I don't have to sweat" and I say, "But we could conserve electricity and help the planet!" I'm now vegetarian so we disagree about meals. He likes being able to drink - I'm a teetotaler. We recently had one of my worst weekends ever and one of his best weekends ever in Vegas. Vegas is a horrible place for a non-drinking, non-smoking, meditating, vegetarian feminist pagan hippie like me! If we had gone to the Grand Canyon (close by Vegas) it would have been reversed - he would have hated it and I would have loved it. We can't agree on anything!
I believe this is what they call irreconcilable differences. What other suggestions could the counselor suggest? This is a tough situation.
I will share my experience with you though. I have been both a poor woman and a rich woman. Guess which one was happier? For me it was being poor. When I was poor, the little things mattered so much more in life. Life was so much less hectic. It was this lifestyle which laid the groundwork for much success to follow. However, my husband was much like you describe your husband. My husband lost his way and forgot where he had come from. Unfortunately, we're on the verge of losing everything because of the direction my husband chose. I would be fine with that, if I still had my family together. But for me, facing poverty this time alone is a scary prospect. I know it won't be easy, but try to reach a compromise. Somewhere in the middle would be a great place to be! Perhaps your husband could talk to a minister about the direction he is headed.
Why are you still together? If you stay you will always be miserable as you have chosen a very different path. I would say that his path veered right, yours turned in a circle and ended up going 145 degrees off. I really don't see a middle ground in your situation. What is the bond you still hold on too?
i thought id be Buddhist too for awhile. i love eastern thought. i think the road you are choosing is great. aside from that, i think you are at the beginning of a new road. because you feel so passionately about these things i think you feel a sense of urgency to do all the things you think are right and to do them all now. and of course you feel your hubby is hindering your path. its hard to think that what you are doing is making slaves out of another, or hurting the environment. there's a sense of urgency to never harm another. which is wonderful. but, and consider this, think of him not as a hinderance to your progress with spirituality, but as an aid to really understand it. He is the first challenge to finding inner peace with your beliefs. of course for a buddhist monk to give the teachings they do it is not hard. they are alone, surrounded by only themselves and those of like mind. they have little passion in their life. but you have passion because you have love. that throws a whole new aspect into what you are trying to understand. no, you dont want to hurt the environment or make slaves of others, but consider that your marriage and your family is an immediate concern and can also be turned into a bondage situation if you are not careful with your beliefs. Your children, your grand children, your entire lineage will be negatively effected if the contention between you and your hubby escalates. that is not good karma. so yes, maybe if you got your way you could make a difference to people clear across the globe but you will also negatively effect generations and generations within your family.
I would say be patient. Deal with your resentment. Respect your hubby's beliefs. be patient in coming to understand your new beliefs and deal with what is, and not with a perfect ideal that you have in your head. remember you are making an amazing difference by your attitude and your children can learn enormously if you do it with a spirit of love and not of contention.
827Aug, you are so right that money doesn't buy happiness. When I was a baby, my family lived in an 8-ft-wide used trailer in a cow pasture. We rarely ate meat - it was too expensive. We didn't have a TV. Since we only had one vehicle, my mom had to walk into town to buy groceries, even when she was 9 months pregnant! But we knew other people without indoor plumbing, so hey - we were thankful, right? My husband is from a different world - one where his parents worked 3 or 4 jobs all the time so they could buy the latest car and have a huge house in a nice neighborhood. I think poverty is normal, he thinks keeping up with the Jones' is normal.
Draconis, we're still together because of the commitment we made to each other, because of our children, and because we're soulmates! We finish each others' sentences, and we make each other laugh all the time. We have great communication skills. We miss each other when we're gone. We're just arguing a lot right now because of our differences. It would be a tragedy to throw away a good relationship because we couldn't figure out how to mesh our very different world views.
ljtseng, you make a very good point. In my quest to become wiser spiritually, this could be my biggest challenge. I read a biography of Gandhi, and it ends up he learned how to love unconditionally first by working out his relationship with his wife. I just feel like I'm at a loss about how to do this. If Gandhi were here to advise me, I probably wouldn't take his advice anyway! I'm sure whatever it is, it would be too difficult and I would give up! LOL
I'm not that great at loving unconditionally. I'm much better at being a judgmental, angry person, convinced that I am right and everyone else is wrong. You're right - how can I pretend to try to love people halfway around the world when I can't even accept my own loving, giving husband for who he is? That's something I've gotta really work on. But in the meantime, how do we decide what temperature to set the thermostat on? Should I wait to express my opinion until my self-righteousness turns to real righteousness? LOL - what if that never happens in this lifetime?
No offense intended, but I think their are issues building underneath and unless your communication skills improve than things will continue on. You don't have to be compatible but you do have to agree enough that you are not viewing the other as a poison to your passion.
Your experience with religion mirrors what happened in my marriage in a lot of ways. In our case we had a happy outcome. Has it occurred to you that you have swapped one religion for another? And all theses other ideologies you have taken on... your head must be full to bursting.
One day I had the experience of loosing every belief I had - I felt completely empty. Now there is room to hear the birds tweeting and the beautiful sound of people complaining about their spouses.
A person's beliefs and ideologies do not make or define them, because the person existed prior to the beliefs being adopted. A baby does not have a religion nor is it hippy or feminist.
So when you take that part of you that is beyond fads and ideologies and put it in the presence of your husband, there is love, is there not? So life is about what we can throw out.
Perhaps you are trying to throw out things on the outside - material things. While on the inside you are filling yourself up to the brim with thoughts - other people's thoughts, as well as your own.
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Originally Posted by lizzie
because we're soulmates! We finish each others' sentences, and we make each other laugh all the time. We have great communication skills. We miss each other when we're gone. We're just arguing a lot right now because of our differences. It would be a tragedy to throw away a good relationship because we couldn't figure out how to mesh our very different world views.
Read your own words above. Your respective world views have nothing at all to do with who you really are. Unlike the animal kingdom however, we have the luxury of playing make-believe. There is nothing wrong with holding a view or belief. But it's just a holding that's all. It's like kids playing dressing up. Eventually it's time to put the cloths back in the box and go home. But there's the sad difference. The kids know it's only a game...
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Originally Posted by lizzie
ljtseng, you make a very good point. In my quest to become wiser spiritually, this could be my biggest challenge. I read a biography of Gandhi, and it ends up he learned how to love unconditionally first by working out his relationship with his wife. I just feel like I'm at a loss about how to do this. If Gandhi were here to advise me, I probably wouldn't take his advice anyway! I'm sure whatever it is, it would be too difficult and I would give up! LOL
Once there is the motivation to "go for gold" this ends up being very easy actually. It's like falling. Falling into you you really are, falling into each other's arms, falling in love.
And for my regular readers who are thinking wow, MT did not mention sex even once - I would just like to add that some good earthy sex doesn't hurt. It is the glue that stick's a marriage together.
Draconis, Marktwain, and everyone else, thank you so much for your replies. I wish I had posted this years ago so could have been mulling over your good advice all this time!
MarkTwain, you have got my number. Are you inside my head? LOL I'm guessing you're Buddhist or Taoist.... You're right that I'm still trying to grasp the spiritual "brass ring" instead of letting myself, my husband, and my marriage just BE. When I'm just with him (including the awesome earthy sex you mentioned), I'm just happy and I feel truly unconditionally loved for the first time in my life. Then, just like you said, like a kid playing dress-up, I spin out this play in my head of how we'll never work, and how we'll never reach agreement. You're so right, it's eerie! (Have you been reading my diary?)
One thing I don't get yet though, is exactly how throwing away material things plays into this. I mean, it's all well and good to recognize that our little dramas are the play of the divine Goddess (like Hinduism teaches) and we shouldn't get caught up in them, but on the other hand, there's no wisdom tradition in the world that says that we should continue to reach for more and more stuff to the detriment of others. In one sense, how we conduct this life doesn't matter one iota, and in another sense, how we conduct this life is the only thing that matters.
You need to re-read my post, I said I lost everything.
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Originally Posted by lizzie
I spin out this play in my head of how we'll never work
It's already working.
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Originally Posted by lizzie
I mean, it's all well and good to recognize that our little dramas are the play of the divine Goddess (like Hinduism teaches) and we shouldn't get caught up in them, but on the other hand, there's no wisdom tradition in the world that says
There you go with your man made spiritual edifices again...
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Originally Posted by lizzie
In one sense, how we conduct this life doesn't matter one iota, and in another sense, how we conduct this life is the only thing that matters.
I think you will figure all this out and things will calm down with your hubby. It just takes time and perseverance. I was going to mention Gandhi's relationship with his wife, too. She didnt want to go along with what he was doing either. He actually got really angry at her initially. So maybe it helps to know that even Gandhi experienced the same feelings.
There's a good book i read that i think you would really like. Its called Seat of the Soul by Gary Zukav. He talks a lot about how to view problems, calm your soul, and it get in touch with your higher self. It has really helped me.
Thanks so much for all the replies. Ljtseng, I will check out the book you suggested. I could use some calmness of soul and understanding of my higher self!
Clara, you are so right that in a marriage the couple should share a common goal. Even if my goal is to honor Shakti and my husband's is to honor Jesus, we both have some huge commonalities. We both believe in learning to be more patient and loving and giving, and we both believe in communion (loving God) and community (loving people). It's when we work together to give to others that I feel closest to him. That may sound corny, but honestly - what else do we have in common spiritually? Prayer is gone. Bible study is gone. Worship is gone. Giving to others is the slender spiritual thread holding us together. I don't want that to fall apart too.
Lizzie, I am Buddhist. Have been for almost 40 years. I made my choice at a young age (15) and for many reasons (Buddhism works better for me).
The principles of Buddhism do not require asceticism (read, in the western world, being poor).
There's nothing wrong with material goods or worth. I applaud your husband's goals. At least he's thinking of old age (you do know the cycle of life? birth, maturity, old age, death) in this life. The next life will carry the karma you (both) build in this lifetime.
The guiding principle is whether or not these determine how you live your life.
"Money is the root of evil" is misquoted from "for the love of money is the root of evil".
Money, itself, is not dirty nor inconsequential. It merely is a fact of life, of a commercial society. It's a tool.
Your husband is doing his best for the BOTH of you, in your later years. Do you really want to live in the desert, in poverty, ekeing out a scratch living? Not me, babe!
Much of western thought is the accumulation of material goods because that's the only way to "measure" how you're doing (i.e. keeping up with the Jones).
The correct measure is only against yourself -- how have you developed and progressed with life. Understanding life and how everything interacts.
Obviously, I do not accept (a) god in my life (stop right now, responders, you don't have a chance), but if someone else does, then good for them.
Arguably there are many paths up the mountain; but, as long as you get there, what does it matter how?
I happen to think my way is the best; but, then so does everyone! Everyone! But I know it works for me -- all I could do is offer someone else the opportunity to try it for themselves. No more, no less. Period.
Just don't equate (your husband's) god with your deity (of choice).
Anyone can become a Buddha, no one can become (a) god. That's the difference in the philosophies involved.
I'm at a spiritual boulder in the road.... 
