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post #16 of 25 (permalink) Old 08-17-2014, 08:40 AM
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Re: Husband plays the lottery behind my back

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Originally Posted by damilola View Post
He must spend around 50 a week. Cz he buys lottery and raffle worth 10 a day.. Now the problem is he is already won before so am just wondering is it not greed or addiction we are dealing with. That win has already caused some trust issues in the marriage already so I dont know what to do.
Fifty pounds is quite a lot of money to be wasted on gambling.
Also if both of you are Christians and share the same belief system , then I can see why this bothers you so much.

However, if he doesn't share your belief system, then I'd say the only problem is the amount of money he's spending on the lottery.

If your family can afford it, ie; if all family financial commitments are met and it is coming out of his spending money, then I think it's best you leave him alone.

Maybe it's just an outlet and he would soon come to the realization that he's wasting his own money.

Does he take you out regularly?


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post #17 of 25 (permalink) Old 08-18-2014, 06:57 PM
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Re: Husband plays the lottery behind my back

This whole discussion is FASCINATING to me. Partly because it is very similar to another conversation I see a lot: the Porn Issue.

A lot of men hide their porn viewing habits from their wives, because socially we're taught to believe there's something "wrong" with watching porn, yet it doesn't feel wrong to the person watching - they know they aren't trying to pursue sex or a relationship with the girls in the pornos. They're just getting a bit of visual stimulation to pleasure themselves with. What's the big deal? (On a related note, I read recently about a study the University of Winnipeg was trying to do, but they couldn't find any males who had never consumed porn for their control group... granted, it's cold up there in Winnipeg and there isn't much to do, but still... amazing right? But I digress).

Similarly, I doubt your SO sees any problem with playing the lottery, and is probably confused about your moral objection. I bet he doesn't want to hurt you, but doesn't see why he should stop. He enjoys doing it for whatever reason, and it is probably difficult for him to take your objections seriously because he doesn't understand them. NOT because he doesn't care. There's a difference.

The main issue here, which I think Elegirl might have mentioned already (she seems to have a pretty good head on her shoulders) is that you're expecting your husband to bend to your value system, but you aren't considering his. Did you discuss gambling prior to getting married? It's obviously important to you, so it sounds like something that should have come up.

If your marriage is somehow conditional on your spouse acting a certain way, you need to have discussed that PRIOR to getting married. You can't just mention partway in that you aren't okay with something, and expect everything to happen your way. He gets an equal say, which means either you compromise, or you agree to disagree (which means he can use his spending money for whatever he wants, including the lottery).

If religion is your reason (i.g. if you are worried your husband might not get into heaven or something), then I think you need to discuss the issue with a leader at your church or temple. If you do that, I would be careful for now to stick with the issue at hand - that your husband plays the lottery and you disagree with that (not that he's hiding lottery tickets - which is just your perception as far as I can tell). Then you can address that concern with your husband in a more specific way - that you are concerned for his afterlife, for example.

To me that sounds like quite a lot of money to spend on gambling, but as some have already said, it's all relative. Discuss with your spouse - maybe he can cut back, or stick to a spending limit.

But seriously, what makes you think it's okay to tell your spouse "No, you're not allowed to do this"?
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post #18 of 25 (permalink) Old 08-18-2014, 07:13 PM
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Re: Husband plays the lottery behind my back

I find " I ordered him" to be disturbing.

Stop complaining about what you don't have...start enjoying what you do have.
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post #19 of 25 (permalink) Old 08-19-2014, 10:07 PM Thread Starter
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Husband plays the lottery behind my back

Well... I have decided to just let him be. At least he now knows how I feel about it. So if he carries on so be it.. From everyone's comments. It seems as if I am imposing my values on him.


I just see it as deception because he led me to believe we have some beliefs all along abt playing the lottery by doing it secretly behind my back. I see it as a breach in trust.
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post #20 of 25 (permalink) Old 08-21-2014, 03:15 PM
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Re: Husband plays the lottery behind my back

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Originally Posted by damilola View Post
Well... I have decided to just let him be. At least he now knows how I feel about it. So if he carries on so be it.. From everyone's comments. It seems as if I am imposing my values on him.

I just see it as deception because he led me to believe we have some beliefs all along abt playing the lottery by doing it secretly behind my back. I see it as a breach in trust.
Most of the time when I get into an argument with my SO, it's because we love each other. I know that sounds weird but consider this possibility:

Your SO found out partway into your relationship that you aren't okay with gambling. He didn't know or didn't fully realize this before you got married, and to him it seems strange. But he wants to make you happy because he loves you, and an effective solution to that end is to hide his gambling. Because you see, if he stops gambling for you, then that's unfair, and it might breed more resentment than his current solution. So lying seems like a win-win solution.

I'm not saying it's right that he's hiding things and lying. In fact, if this is the case then it indicates there's a problem between the two of you because the lines of communication aren't open. You have contributed to that by "laying down the law" when you could have had an open discussion, and he has contributed by not standing up for himself and his own beliefs.
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post #21 of 25 (permalink) Old 08-24-2014, 08:04 AM
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Re: Husband plays the lottery behind my back

OP, just curious would you have also demanded that he throw out or give away all of the money if after you found out he was playing the lottery you also found out that he had won a very significant amount of money...enough to ensure your children and grandchildren and great-grandchildren wouldn't have to worry about paying for college, homelessness, etc.
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post #22 of 25 (permalink) Old 09-05-2014, 08:18 AM
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Re: Husband plays the lottery behind my back

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Originally Posted by damilola View Post
Well... I have decided to just let him be. At least he now knows how I feel about it. So if he carries on so be it.. From everyone's comments. It seems as if I am imposing my values on him.


I just see it as deception because he led me to believe we have some beliefs all along abt playing the lottery by doing it secretly behind my back. I see it as a breach in trust.
You must be a peach to live with. Dear heavens.

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post #23 of 25 (permalink) Old 10-04-2014, 07:54 AM
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Re: Husband plays the lottery behind my back

Partners do things that the other partners dont like. Its part of marriage. Get over it. As long as he isnt spending thousands of dollars 'gambling' I feel a lottery ticket isnt a big deal. If he won the lottery would you say no to 1 million dollars? Buying a lottery ticket is his thing dont take that away from him, you might not like it but what is he hurting?
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post #24 of 25 (permalink) Old 10-04-2014, 01:12 PM
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Re: Husband plays the lottery behind my back

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Originally Posted by damilola View Post
I once ordered him to throw away a stash of old lottery tickets he kept in the dashboard of his car.
"I hereby order you to cease and desist your lottery playing at once!"

Lady if you were my partner I don't think you'd even want to know what I'd say in response to such an over the top ultimatum.

It certainly wouldn't be "yes dear".
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post #25 of 25 (permalink) Old 10-04-2014, 01:36 PM
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Re: Husband plays the lottery behind my back

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Originally Posted by damilola View Post
Well... I have decided to just let him be. At least he now knows how I feel about it. So if he carries on so be it.. From everyone's comments. It seems as if I am imposing my values on him.


I just see it as deception because he led me to believe we have some beliefs all along abt playing the lottery by doing it secretly behind my back. I see it as a breach in trust.
I can understand your values and because of the way you view gambling as something not to your expectations but before you start getting all bent out of shape with this, maybe you should take a look at the infidelity section of the forum, read a few of the threads posted there and you'll see that your husband playing the lottery is not a biggie, but if you continue to harp on him about it, and make demands like you did, your asking for a lot of trouble.

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