mentallydrained

Brief, H and I together 19yrs this year, married 13 of them come June.

I grew up Baptist. He Grace Brethren. Personally, I never have viewed a difference in them. He stopped going at a young age (10) due to parents divorced. I stopped around Senior year.

So in nutshell, we both have/had same beliefs in general. Was never issue.

Well, since our marriage has become rocky, he has turned to what he feels is last resort and that is religon. He has close friend who is very Christian/non stop church goer. H started going to friends church around Nov. He now has presets on radio of Christian channels, websites of Christian information, purchase of Christian marriage books, tapes, etc.

Some of his ways are so far out there I feel he's fake. It's not him. He claims this is the 'new' him. He enjoys the rightous path he is taking, it makes him feel good. He says he does not care if I do not want to join or be part of the church. That he started going for him and him only. The church is a contemporary spin off from Apostolic. I have gone several times and it's okay. I'm more of a traditionalist. Old traditional hyms, etc. Not so much the 'band/rock-n-roll' version. But some of the music is upbeat, nice and I will say, I do like the idea of being able to where jeans and not have to worry about 'Sunday best'.

Anyway....he's really getting into this to point some of our conversations, he makes me feel like I'm leading a 'sinful' path. That I need to get on the rightous wagon like him. I don't have that desire. I guess, I admit, part of it is because I feel it's something he is subconsciously 'enforcing' and it's something on his terms/ground. Through counseling he realized he has insecurity, manipulitve ways and is working on those. Through religon.

I'm sure his friend is very encouraging as well. A part of me is honestly glad he's found this to make himself feel good, if that is truly what he is/has done. Another part, I feel he is fake, not the man I've known and really feel he's not into this for the true honest reason.

He says his going to church should not affect me. He is fine if I don't want to go and if I do, yes that's great and he loves it. But if I don't he doesn't care. I said that's a lie. After 19yrs I know what bother's him and me not doing something with him, for him, bother's him. He says again, it's the new him. Another reason I know it bother's him is our daughter doesn't like it. She refuses to go to the kids class as she knows no one. She is very timid. And I refuse to force her to the kids class. She sits with us. So, if mommy doesn't go, how do you make daughter go? Every Saturday night at bedtime she tells me she doens't want to go. And, how do I encourage her when I honestly do not want to either. So, like things of past, I go to appeas the entire situation.

He is now unloading a lot of his automobilia, old licenses plates, signes, etc. Things he worked very hard for over many years and extremely proud of. States he has realized after all this book/cd listening, material things he does not need. They are 'selfish' items that he needs to get rid of for his family.

I don't care he sells these items. It's how he's gone about. Didn't care to inform me and is having someone do it for him. We discussed it and he says he just didn't want to bother me with it. Which, okay what ever.

He feels I need to re-watch Firproof, and listen to these CD's he has. I know what Fireproof is about. Problem being, I NEVER felt his material items were more important than me. He admited I never made him feel they were. So I'm lost there.

My belief is in my heart. I know my belief, what I think and feel and I don't need Church to confirm that. I do not see how we...or obviously I.....can be fine and work on my issues through this indifference of church. I say the word "crap" and he says to me "hey.....". It's the little things like that, that truly are not all that bad, yet bad enough that a Church going, bible worshiping, person who is way out there in thinking they are living the word by the word that makes me uneasy just sitting there waiting to get struck! I've become very uncomfortable. I did hear him tell his friend he needs some wiggle room while learning all this.

I have my own personal issues with confidence, self esteem and such and now this!

Again, does and can a married couple live and be happy with two totally different views for Church?

cb45

to be brief, it all begins and ends with JESUS, EW.

church, churches, and their doctrines arent of primary importance. they have their place in the order of things but
1st n foremost is our relationship with Yeshua.

or, Yahshua, as some would say it is truly in hebrew.

if u dont have a relationship with God thru his Son Yahshua,
then u r living on shaky ground/sandy soil, and as a matter of
course........"borrowed time."

God knows where u r at. Jesus loves you. But u have a
precious (but dangerous) gift called "free-will" that carries
with it consequences.

I think you know what i mean w/out going further.

get busy then. carpe diem.

JESUS LOVES JESUS LIVES JESUS SAVES THE DAY!

ASV

Damn religions cause more trouble than good.
I grew up catholic,my wife is reformed.
We both think its a pile of crap so we're OK.
there's nothing worse than dealing with a bible pusher or people who claim to be selfrightious.They make me puke.
My dad did not believe,my mother was devout.It Always clashed.
It don't work.

my 2 c

nikon

Religion... that's pretty much another word for values and beliefs. And I believe those are the foundation of any marriage - to share those personal life values with your significant other. Sadly, I don't see this marriage working out long term.

greenpearl

They have to come to the same page one day, or they are going to have a lot of marriage problems.

Both of them have to compromise.

My husband was raised as a witness, I was an atheist. Witnesses are warned not to marry outside of the religion, but my husband married me, he was strong enough to face the accusation people in his religion would have for him. I was grateful.

I grew up in China, I have the belief that you marry him, then you follow him. I started attending their meetings and tried to become one of them.

Took me a long time to understand what is going on in this religion.

My husband protects me, I defend him. We are always on the same page. So this religion difference didn't cause any problems for our marriage. Sometimes I do wish I have the freedom to choose my own religion, but this is my husband's religion, and his family's religion, I don't want to create too much stress on us, so I compromise. When I can't take it, I will tell my husband, and he understands it, he will suggest us take a break.

I did learn a lot from their teaching! Learned to be a better person.

But Buddhism is what I like the best.

My husband doesn't mind what I read as long as it helps me.

major misfit

I am a believer like yourself. I abhor the fundamentalist b/c of what you've stated. The judging, the chastising, all under the guise of "christianity". Doesn't fit into the mold of what I believe it to be.

Thankfully, my SO is on the same page I am. If he were a bible-thumping, dyed-in-the-wool fundamentalist, I couldn't be with him. If he could enjoy his religion and his beliefs without condemnation or preaching AT me, then maybe.

I don't know if any couple (or you) can be happy with that type of division, only time will tell I guess.

__________________
The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them. ***Maya Angelou

"But it's only on the brink that people find the will to change. Only at the precipice do we evolve" ***Professor Barnhardt to Klaatu

mentallydrained

Greenpearl, funny how I can now put your 'name' to you. My H mother is Japanese. So..as you, the belief is to follow the man. And, in counseling, it was said, he struggles with that as he seen his mom (she was brought over by his dad from war, married and got her citizenship) worship and follow his dad for many years why he treated her like crap and messed with many other women. One being her best friend and neighbor. For what ever reason, they finally divorced.

So due to your upbringing, nationality, etc., I understand your okay with following his religon. But me, my upbringing totally different. Yet, I lost along the way the confidence that I was raised with.

I know marriage in itself is compromise. Thing is, my compromise to this is going with him on Sundays. Not every single Sunday. Lately ist's been about every other. Problem is, I don't feel that is proper either. To go to Church knowing it's not where you really want to be or even feel belong. My mind roams and is elsewhere the entire time. And I believe if one is serious and wanting this, then yes they should be disciplined to go, walk it, preach it, practice it and so on.

I believe once saved, always saved. I believe when one does accept God, H.S. or what ever one calls him in their belief comes into their hearts, is accepted as such, that never leaves you.

I guess time will tell. Or not. Just another layer that I'm not sure I'll find strength to trudge through. Wow...never in million years thought my life would be this difficult. Not how I was raised.

WhereAmI

My husband is Lutheran. I don't think I know enough to call myself a Buddhist, but I believe it is the path to happiness for me.

We've decided to raise the children Lutheran. When we started having children I was still searching for what I believed, but knew that Christian religion was not for me. However, I've dealt with a lot of people's shock over my religion and didn't want that for the children. We're raising them Lutheran while teaching them that there are other belief systems. They will be allowed to freely explore religion.

This is one thing in our relationship that is not a problem. I respect his religion and teach it to our children. He respects my beliefs. Simple.

It sounds like he's not being respectful of your beliefs. Saying that he's doing it for him and doesn't mind what you do is one thing. Actually behaving that way is another. He should not try to guilt you into becoming "righteous." What he says and how he behaves are conflicting, and that's the real problem.

SimplyAmorous

I say a hearty amen to this. When I was a Christian, I literally was a pain in the A** at times, never a Fundamentalist as I questioned too much to allow my mind to reach such extremes, but I wanted him to read the Bible more (cause I was ) , take more of a lead in Prayer (I felt he did not care), if I found him looking at a little porn , I plastered scriptures to shame him, belittle him. I took little time to explore HIS views on God, but trying to change him into a copy of ME.

Now that I have gotten away from this , our marraige has grown leaps & bounds.



If 2 religious minded people can Live like THIS - their marraige has a chance ...



Different Drums and Different Drummers…

(From the Book “Please Understand Me” by David Keirsey)

If I do not want what you want, please try not to tell me that my want is wrong.

Or if I believe other than you, at least pause before you correct my view.

Or if my emotion is less than yours, or more, given the same circumstances, try not to ask me to feel more strongly or weakly.

Or yet if I act, or fail to act, in the manner of your design for action, let me be. I do not, for the moment at least, ask you to understand me. That will come only when you are willing to give up changing me into a copy of you.

If you will allow me any of my own wants, or emotions, or beliefs, or actions, then you open yourself to the possibility that some day these ways of mine might not seem so wrong, and might finally appear as right--- FOR ME. To put up with me is the 1st step to understanding me.

Not that you embrace my ways as right for you, but that you are no longer irritated or disappointed with me for my seeming waywardness. And in understanding me you might come to prize my differences from you, and, far from seeking to change me, preserve and even nurture those differences.

I may be your spouse, your parent, your offspring, your friend, or your colleague. But whatever our relation, this I know: You are I are fundamentally different and both of us have to march to our own drummer.

mentallydrained

Possibly not. Yes, I agree it's part of values and beliefs. Ones there over 18yrs, were never issue. The more we work on mariatal issues, the farther H goes into religon.

It has been suggested we explore another church. One we do not have other outside influences. We did. One. He didn't care for so back to the one he is comfortable with. With his close friend.

I guess it scares me that the issues I/we were having prior to all this, have now been burried, as this, is overtaking. And for me, making a larger picture problem. My problem? Maybe, I guess. I just don't see how one can turn that quick into Christianity after 51 years, fall so deep in less than 3 months. And because he knows how I feel, he tries to candy coat some things. Like our one and only counseling session with the pastor. Afterwards he continously apologized for the counseling session turning so religous. Why? If he is truly into this for right reasons...he should not apologize as that is is teachings, his way. So again, this is why I doubt his believing is for the correct and proper reasons. But then again, I'm made to feel I'm wrong.

mentallydrained

Right now, our drummers are so far out of step and off harmony, it makes it more difficult for me to work on other issues as this one, for me, has over taken it all. In saying that, it makes me feel even worse. So confused and lost more then ever.

greenpearl

To me, the main religions are teaching people to be good people, it is teaching you to be content with what you have, cultivate the ability of self-control, help you understand your weakness and your desire, help you understand about others and the world. I really appreciate the wisdom these religions have. I have studied the Bible, read a lot of Buddhism teaching, I enjoy what I am doing.

I don't think I need to go to a church to learn all these, I was also stumbled by people in the churches, they claim themselves to be better than others, they claim themselves to have high moral standards, in fact, they are just people, a different group of people. You go to church, doesn't mean you are a Christian. You live in a temple, doesn't mean you are a Buddhist. If you don't take the teaching into your heart and apply it in your life, you are nothing but just the same as everybody else.

What I am concerned is some people can be deeply poisoned by some of the teaching, to the degree of being brainwashed, they can't think for themselves, to me, being too involved in a religion and take whatever the preachers say, it is superstitious.

It is not a bad thing that your husband wants to be involved in a religion, think positively, it might help him become a better man, good thing about these main religions, they all teach people to be faithful and loving to their spouses.

If he forces you to do something, actually it is not loving on his part, maybe he thinks it is loving of him for wanting to help you. But he has to understand you have to be willing to do it, he can't force it on you, nobody can force a religion on somebody else. My husband has never tried to force his religion on me, he just let me decide what I want to do. It was me who wanted to be involved in their religion, yes, my upbringing played a big part here.

But when it became too much pressure for me, my husband and I stopped going to their meetings, he wants his wife to be happy. A religion is supposed to help people achieve peace, not cause stress on people's life, when it becomes stress, something is not right.

After one year of staying at home, doing a lot of self-studying, I come to realize they are a group of nice people, if I want to choose association group, they are more trustworthy and more polite to talk to. I chose to go back to them. But I won't let their teaching affect my own thinking, I pick and choose, I don't accept the whole package.

cb45

smiles.........

i think it would be great if a world class panel of the worlds largest religions (say, over 100 million) could formed for the
sole purpose of presenting a) what they truly are/are not;
b) what they have/havent contributed to society, historically
speaking; and c) what they WILL/will not contribute to
society in THE Future.

i know Christians, Muslims, Hindus, atheists would be represented (by popl.) but wonder would there be anyone else?

moreover, it would be interesting to see/hear/read, if this panel
were not restricted too badly with the constraints of time, $$$,
&/or ideas.

i think those who say they have an "open mind" would find out
just how "open" they really are/are not. AND, those that do, or are "open," would be very telling to see which way they go, or tend to lean/agree with, after said panel has concluded their
proceedings/filming. that would be the "tell" or interesting pt
about all this too. selah.

B'shalom...........

RandomDude

So far with the missus and I, despite both our religions being completely alien to each other, and some problems in the past including a recent drama, we're quite fine.

At core, we have shared morals, principles, ideals, etc. However, from time to time, since the missus has an community here in Australia, while my faith doesn't, she has a tendency to get brainwashed into the "cult community". Which from time to time, I have to pull her back down to earth with (BTW Emotionalwreck, I'm assuming this is your problem at the moment yes?)

In my opinion... If one focuses however on his/her own individual spiritual path, and has another to share it with, without all the negative external influences, then I can't see why marriages would break by religion alone.

littlemiss

I too am having these questions, but I am not married to the man of my dreams, this is our largest hang up. I think we may have reached some sort of compromise as of late, but that is not something I can I know will always satisfy both of us. Nor do I know if we ever BE sure of that very thing. I do think it is silly to throw away a relationship that is as close to perfect as it gets - minus the difference in religion aspect.

One thing is certain; you cannot assume that you know what your husband is truly feeling or experiencing in his spiritual life. I do not doubt that any of his actions are in fact phony or put on. What I mean is that everyone is their own person; they have their own relationship with God, Jesus, Messiah, Buddha and so forth. Individuals may have no understanding or belief, but they are aware of this. Therefore, though it be hard, attempt to give him the benefit of the doubt, as hard as it can be.

In my own eyes and in my own heart, I find it difficult to grasp the concept that God is someone who WANTS to condemn us to Hell, yet is the same individual whom is responsible for being a part of many different religions and involved in everyone's life – known to love us. If heaven and hell are in fact a place where our souls shall rest eternally, why would God send us places as horrible as hell for details that weren’t correct –performed within an individual’s life time? It does not measure up. A lifetime of an individual is nothing compared to an eternity. So whatever was done in the lifetime can send you to hell FOREVER? Not that this does not HAPPEN, but we are talking differences in Christian Religions. These are DETAILS… yes important details, but not something that I believe others are not going to make it to heaven over or not.

Second of all, there are many people that do not know of Christian teachings, (who Jesus is or God – separate in some faiths) but does that mean that this God (who directly is translated as LOVE) is going to condemn people to hell forever? No, that is absurd, and it does not make sense!

I have some similar issues, which is an entirely separate thread I will start one of these days (when I've had enough ). What I would like to better understand is where you and your husband lost communication? It is almost as if you were having issues prior to this and this is his newly formed outlet. Yes, it sounds as if it does indeed bother him, regardless of what he claims. But, he is almost acting out as if it doesn't bother him and is using this religion as a defense mechanism. It is the same behavior as when women or men start hanging out with friends from work, etc. without significant others (i.e. newly divorced, etc), just in a more positive atmosphere. It's like living a new life - yet he just appears "so positive" and "so holy" now, therefore he is going to look like the good guy. Mind you, these are only my opinions from what I have read - but he is not acting like the same person. "New born again Christian" or not, his personality should not change. There is nothing more putrid than someone who all of a sudden doesn't tell funny jokes, is newly offended to terms/language, etc. If a person is truly Christian and content with you doing "whatever" you want, then he would ALSO be happy with the old him. It is not as if he were living a life of absolute horrible choices. It would be different if he were an individual with addiction or substance abuse and he were trying to stay away from the bar scene or he was abstaining from alcohol when you went out to eat. He shouldn't change his PERSONALITY based on this "new him".

So, what I suggest is somehow opening up his lines of communication. You can play this game too you know. You should make decisions independently (or with your daughter) to go attend a church together, without him. You can choose to tell him about it or not. If I were you I would act nonchalant about it. Get up at the same time he does, get ready (maybe even include your daughter) and go visit a place elsewhere. Then you need to see how he asks. Figure out if he is inquisitive about what you have discovered or gone and done or what you are even doing up, etc. If he continues to enjoy this lifestyle aside from you AND your daughter- then something else is up. He should want to share that part of his life with you. It's wonderful he wants to live a more Christian life, but a HUGE part of Christianity is living that way in your marriage and telling others about Christ (not forcing it). It very well may be the fact that he now has something to do outside of your marriage, but he can include you in it, yet have friends that also go there. He needs FRIENDS - not an entire church FAMILY without his family.

I'm tired and blabbing -good luck. I look forward to hearing what you think!