Hello everyone. I am very confused, please help. What do you do when you find yourself in a situation whereby you feel you have to give the marriage your best shot but do not have any feelings for your spouse? I feel we should work on our issues, go through counselling with the hope that things will work through. I want to do this not because I still love my spouse but out of some sort of obligation that I can not just throw in the towel and also because of the two boys that are a product of this marriage. I do not have any feelings for my husband anymore, I an no longer in love with him.
I am currently reading two books; five love languages and secrets of fascinating womanhood. Great books I must say but I really do not have the urge to apply what the books suggest. I have become totally disillusioned with marriage in general. All I want right now is to be single and alone and raise my two boys and be there for them to the best of my capabilities. Of course I want H to be part of the boys lives but all I truly want right now is for us to live separate lives but continue our parenting duties even if we don't stay under the same roof. I have been thinking very hard about this, sometimes I think that when I wake up the next day I would feel different but it is not the case.
One of the common suggestions is to try and think back at the time when we were courting, before we married and remember how it felt then and do things we used to do to try and rekindle the flame BUT I have one problem with that. It resulted from a comment that H made. He told me that all he did whilst we were courting he did to woo me into marrying him, to impress me. Yet for me, I felt that was the kind of man I would want to spend the rest of my life with, felt we had so much in common. So, even if we try go back to doing that, I would feel it is all pretence in his part.
Our friends, families, kids and church members think we have the perfect marriage yet it is not the case in reality. Somehow, I feel the need to keep the marriage going for other people's sake and I do not think that is the right way to go.
Brief background: I've been married for 13 years now,I'm 37 and H is 46 years. Got married when I was 23 years, just after graduating from university,have two boys 12 and 5 years. Am working full time.
Just asking.. how long have you felt like this.. and maybe would getting to know each other outside of roles as husband/wife father/mother? We change dramatically with family and maybe you need to re-introduce each other? Maybe he needs to woo the new you a little (of perhaps feel like he has to to keep you? I HATE games but I keep hearing on here how that one almost needs to be there)
Just saying maybe you have to get to know each other all over again before deciding. Just a suggestion. Having kids changes a person and at certain points things change more (like when they start sleeping through the night...start school f/t... become more independent (around 10/11 etc...) Each milestone presents aas much change for parent as child, as well as an opportunity to to look at your SO and rediscover each other. Kids sometimes cause us to miss changes in the adults of a household LOL
Just an idea, ask if maybe he will "court" you again, and take the time to rediscover each other.
Any headway in improving your feelings toward H. Is he willing to do anything and everything to keep you and love you You have lost all of your feelings concerning H in your marriage. Perhaps, things have improved, perhaps not. In your mind, is it too late for your H to make things right? If he did, can you take him back with love but not feelings of love? Do you think the love feelings can return with time?
There are things the two of you can do to reignite the flame. I like Woodstock's suggestion of courting between the two of you for who you both have become as people. I think that you re-learn who each of you are through exploratory and open two-way communication. It requires proper perspective and diligence to make renewing a marriage relationship possible. I go more into this in my article: Marriage in Crisis. I hope that your marriage is saved and that you find ways to make it work together. However, I know that feelings are peculiar, powerful things to have. The best situation would be a full return of emotional feelings between both of you in the marriage. I hope for that best for you.
I have been trying to bring back feelings for my husband for 4 years and they are still not there. My H wont do the things I need, such as emotional tenderness, love, flirtation, etc. I have asked him many times and have explained my unhappiness and desire for a deeper connection and nothing. Unless your husband will start doing things in which you will fall in love w/ him all over again, I don't think you can make it happen. Does your husband hug, kiss, tell you your pretty, make you laugh? Does he know you are not in love anymore and does he want to make you love him again?
i feel yer pain (no, i'm not bill clinton) throughout yer post.
it almost overwhelms one sensitive enuff to know/sense yer
despair. it sounds/seems as tho' u have yer mind made up
already. just a matter of time b4 u give yer transgressor H
"the boot". i.e., outta da house.
i'm sure he's sensed/noticed the distance/apathy u have to-
wards him. maybe some of this existed b4 he cheated?
methinks u know u may continue on n on with this depressive
state of mind u have towards him and yer rel'shp. Yet, it so
happens some folk learn to love/respect/relate in other ways
than the old romantic notions we get brainwashed with as
naive youngsters; and so u learn a different way, a way more
like God exhibits towards all of us, his oft times wayward
only u know yerself. what u can and cant deal with or settle
for. if u took him back then, u have to keep a promise that
u made (o/wise u are no diff than him but, in another way
that is...). if u didnt promise him anything then, i guess u
have at yer disposal, several choices to make.
pls feel free to include how yer marr'd life was b4 the PA
and anything else u think pertinent that u didnt clue us into
b4 in yer earlier post(s).
God gives you choices no matter what but, each choice
has consequences with 'em. dont USE yer H for financial
reasons like some women are apt to say/think/do/advise.
u have to at the very least, respect yer H. if u cant do that,
along with not trust him and thusly, not love him as the sum
total of things, THEN u should perphaps consider the big "D"
(after hitting yer knees hard/often enuff to ask for Gods will
here going forward)
one thing guarranteed. u ahve to learn to forgive him, if only
for your own good. for this may be what is blocking u or
depressing u from coming full circle HEALED.
Re: How do I bring back feelings for hubby?...update
Thank you so much for the feedback and advice from all of you on this thread. I did not realise until today that there have been other new posts since the thread was started in March. I'm sure some of you have read from my other posts what has happened ever since I started this thread. After I started this thread, I discovered my H's third emotional affair, separated, reconciled and again now separated in-house after I discovered he did not cut all contact with OW. Basically a lot has happened and things have gone from bad to worse. With regards to my feelings, I have since realised that my love for my husband has been replaced by a lot of resentment and anger over a lot of issues, one of them being that he was not there for me when I needed him the most. That is when Iwas grieving the passing on of my mom in 2009. There are other issues as well, including the unending emotional affairs. But the big one for me is the issue of trust. The trust is gone and I am finding it very hard to ever trust him again. I have since decided to go through IC to work on my self. When I discovered the third EA and during R, I suggested MC to which H was totaly against. I then realised I can not force someone to go through MC if they are not up to it and not commited enough to work on the marriage.
So, that is the way things are at the moment. I have however begun considering legal separation because I can not live like this forever. The in-house separation itself is no good, just doing it for the kids sake but I don;t know for how long I will keep up with this.
Thank you for the clarification, Confused. I though cb45 had jumped on the wrong thread!
I melted with the first post. It's the same situation as mine, and I don't know what to do, either. As you identify in the last post, I have a lot of anger and resentment, too, which I'm realizing through this board.
Clearly, from your last post, your husband desires emotional attachment. He's simply looking for it in the wrong places. And yes, it is easier to start something new that to revive something damaged. Yet, the security is in what you have. The hope is he will want to reconcile, because once the bloom is off the rose (and it always will be), the security is with you.
You know what to do. The NCL, the transparency. Him deciding what he wants. Remember the EA is full of love kindlers, everything is fun, joy-filled, forbidden, and not based in reality. It's a drug that takes time to detox from the system, and hurts, like any withdrawal. A legal separation might be a good idea, as it in-house can be confusing and more painful, even for the children.
Be honored that he courted you to impress you, to win you. It doesn't stop with the wedding. He needs to continue to win you.
Thanks mommy22 and evryone else else for taking your time to offer advice. To answer your questions, I have always brought all the suggestions you have made, to him and other suggestions as well. I even emphasised when we reconciled after the separation the importance of reconnecting and came up with all these ideas. Unfortunately, they seemed to fall into deaf ears. He did not seem interested at all. I later discovered that it was due to the fact that he was still in the fog. We did sometimes in the past have vacations though, but it was ussualy with the kids as well, not just the two of us. The last time we did counseling was before marriage. I brought this up after I discovered the 3rd affair, but he was not really up to it. I myself sought counseling online and was offered great advice and I realise that I still need to do face to face counseling.
To give a brief update. Last night we had a serious conversation. I asked him to tell me where he stands with regards to our marriage and I told him that with me I still mantain my postion of moving on due to the fact that I do not see any commitment on his side to work on the marriage. I told him I dont want to get hurt all over again due to his infidelity, which does not seem to come to an end. He told mne that his position is that he would like the marriage to continue and would do whatever he can to make it work. He also mentioned that he has since realised that I am dead serious about moving on, all along he was taking it lightly, he said that he would never allow or accept that I get invloved with any other man as long as he is still alive, that would only happen when he is dead.At the same time he stated that if I want to move on, he wont hold me back but for him, he does not imagine me with any other man as long as he is alive. I don't know what to say or think about his statement. I also told him I have made a decision to work on my self, through IC first and see how things go from there. He told me he was considering that as well as oppossed to MC.
The other issues we discussed is that of intimacy in this relationship. We have not been intimate for a while and I will be honest to say that as for now I don't feel like it with my H or anyone else for that matter. I was honest to him about it and told him I just don't feel the urge or excitement at this momment. I asked that he understands. He asked if I could at least compromise for his sake. I could really use some advice on this issue. Should I just give in, even though I am not up to it just to please him???
ItHappenedToMe, thanks for the link to the article, I will make time to read it.
mommy22, I would say that H does exhibit some emotionally abusive personaiity traits. Some times he can be verbally abusive as well. At some point he was so into verbally abusing our elder son, I expressed my displeasure at his behavoiur towards our son and he has since stopped that.
Just this evening when he got home, he was sulcky. The only word that came out of his mouth was 'hello' and that was it. He went straight to the bedroom, got into bed and never came out until this morning. He just walk up, headed to the bathroom to get ready to leave for work and he won't say a word. When he is into this childish behavoiur, he tends to ignore even the kids as well and I am worried if this behavoiur would not impact them in some way as they grow up. I have no idea what he is sulcking about because he did not mention anything. I myself tend to not bother him when he is like this, I just continue to be my usual self and give my attention to the kids because I wouldn't want them to pick up any tension.He does it very often
when he feels upset about something. He is also very short tempered, at times he takes it out on the car and drives recklessly when he is upset. The other big problem is that he displays dual personalities,. In public he is the most cool, charming, kind and down-to-earth man they have ever seen yet in private/at home he is the complete opposite. I hope this sheds a bit of some light.
I welcome further advice, it is very helpful in ways you can not imagine. Thanks again.
hmmm....methinks some more info is nec here and seeing how u've
been posting in other forum rms, u'll probably humor/honor me/us with said info.
1. did u learn each time about each EA/PA or were they broken
up, or "dumped in yer lap" all at one time?
2. what is really holding u to H, and current stituation?
can u be brutally honest with yerself (& then us) on this
tough question, or is that/this a "mirror" u'd rather not look
into/at, much less discuss with us?
other Q's may ensue after u answer these primary ones.
Definitely, even if you and your husband do not agree, you must have had some nice time together to have stayed for up to 13 years married.And even if it was all pretence, it must have been fair enough to have deceived people into feeling that you had a perfect marriage except for your open confession that the situation was not that rosy.. ''I want to do this not because I still love my spouse but out of some sort of obligation that I can not just throw in the towel and also because of the two boys that are a product of this marriage. I do not have any feelings for my husband anymore, I an no longer in love with him...............I have become totally disillusioned with marriage in general. All I want right now is to be single and alone and raise my two boys and be there for them to the best of my capabilities. Of course I want H to be part of the boys lives but all I truly want right now is for us to live separate lives but continue our parenting duties even if we don't stay under the same roof. I have been thinking very hard about this, sometimes I think that when I wake up the next day I would feel different but it is not the case'' . To be honest,if you had given enough information on what made you not to have any more feelings for your husband, it would have helped in knowing the best advise to give in the present circumstance.You need to move the focus away from the short comings of your husband,take a closer look at yourself.What are those issues / attitudes he has been complainig about almost endlessly, yet you have paid very minimal attention to? What actually led him into saying that all he did while you were courting was all in pretence ? Was it as a result of trying to hit back at you after a protracted conflict ? You need to do the thorough investigation yourself and work had at it in order to revive your marriage.Could it be that you were also pretending all through this years in your marriage for it to have worked out as perfect to the eyes of friends, families, kids and church members ? if so then please call the marriage a quit. if the answer is No, then the challenge is have solved .Your answer to these basic questions would greatly determine the next line of action. One thing that is certain though, is that your marriage may have gone off the desired track therefore disillusioning your mind and possibly that of your partner but it is redeemable.Only that you need to be properly guided to bring it back on track. See a Marriage cousellor soonest.