Distant Husband with baby on the way. PLEASE HELP! - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 2 (permalink) Old 10-17-2014, 10:09 AM Thread Starter
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Distant Husband with baby on the way. PLEASE HELP!

My Husband and I have been together for 7 years. We have only been married for one year but have lived together for almost 5 years. We are expecting our first child in about 3 weeks which is very exciting, but my joy has been dampened by some issues we are having.

Within the last year or so, even before I got pregnant, I have noticed that he has become more and more distant. He spends more time with his video games and his cell phone than he does with me. He has pulled away from me emotionally and physically as well. He was never "in the mood" anymore even before the pregnancy and shows no interest in sharing an intimate relationship in the bedroom. Its almost a miracle that I am pregnant at all because it was very rare that we would have sexual relations.

About a month ago I caught him watching pornography and masturbating in bed while I was asleep next to him. We have had an issue with pornography in the past and he swore up and down he would never watch it again because he knows how much it hurts my self-esteem and that it is unhealthy for our relationship with each other and detrimental to his relationship with Christ. He promised me again that night that it wouldn't happen anymore, but I am having trouble trusting him, especially with his lack of interest in having any physical intimacy with me.

For me, sex is an important part of marriage. It’s ordained by god in scripture that a man and wife should have a healthy sexual relationship. It’s a gift that is to be shared between a man and his wife. It’s not the physical act that I miss; it’s the intimacy and the bond that I miss. I miss just being with him. I miss him being interested in us both inside and outside of the bedroom. We can be in the same room together but still feel like we are a million miles apart. He rarely spends time with me anymore and it is almost impossible to get him to put down his phone, get off the internet or his gaming console and spend quality time with me. I have tried to talk to him about it but he just shuts down and says that “he doesn’t know how to respond or what to say”. Our conversations regarding our issues usually end up one sided and it ends up feeling like I am attacking him because he won’t say anything back or even try to talk to me about it.

I am trying to figure out how to talk to him without it seeming like am bringing him a list of his “failures”. I want to be the submissive and supportive wife that god wants me to be, but I feel rejected and lonely and my husband doesn’t seem to understand how I feel even though I have tried to talk to him about it. I love him so much and I try to show him every day how much he means to me. I tell him every day how much I love him even when I am upset, I do little things as often as possible to show him I care. He’s not a bad guy and there are still moments, however brief, that He shows me that He still cares too. I know he loves me but I don’t know how to bring back the bond that we used to have and that scares me.

Our baby will be here soon and I’m concerned that the stress of being brand new first time parents will drive us even further apart. I have prayed about this for so long and I feel completely lost. How can I mend our relationship without making him feel inadequate or attacked? How do I talk to him in a supportive way that shows him I still care? I’ve tried so many times before and things will be great for a day or two, then it goes right back to the way it is now. I need help with how to deal with this in the most scriptural way possible. I want to be the wife god wants me to be, but I also want him to be the husband and leader god wants him to be, I just don’t know how to inspire that in him without it turning into a fight. What do I do?

Last edited by KrysKiss; 10-21-2014 at 08:31 AM.
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post #2 of 2 (permalink) Old 10-20-2014, 10:52 PM
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Re: Distant Husband with baby on the way. PLEASE HELP!

Hi Kryskiss

First thing is first. As one Christian to another I perceive part of your problem is the false doctrine of you being the "submissive wife God wants you to be" mentioned in your post. There is place for assertiveness on your part in your marriage.

The God of Christianity that I know does not want you to be "submissive" or subordinate to your husband, but rather a sustaining, supportive, faithful, coequal partner. I say this as a man who is educated in Christian theology at a post graduate level.

From what you've written I would say your husband is struggling with porn addiction with its attendant shame and deception. I'm certain he and by default, you, are suffering the effects of this plague on your marriage. He's too embarrassed to level with you on the subject and you need to know his behavior is a classic sign of relapse.

You must come to terms with the fact that you cannot "make" him be the husband you want. That being said you must not discount the fact that you can have great influence upon him. I find the counsel in 1 corinthians 13 to be especially helpful in dealing with a spouse.

Make him understand that you love him more than you hate his porn addiction and that you are his ally. There are numerous Christian web resources on fighting porn addiction and one of the best is on the (gasp) Mormon website.

Continue in prayer and faith, it works. Marriage is worth the effort to rescue. And congratulations on the baby. Good luck.

Last edited by commonsenseisn't; 10-21-2014 at 01:00 PM.
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