My husband has recently become religious and I'm sooo not - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Relationships and Spirituality The place to look for faith based solutions.

User Tag List

 193Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #16 of 207 (permalink) Old 01-07-2015, 01:54 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 270
Re: My husband has recently become religious and I'm sooo not

Quote:
Originally Posted by woundedwarrior View Post
That is remarkable. The Catholic church usually won't marry couples of different denominations, much less an atheist. My first wife was a Nazarene and that was the only reason I was granted an annulment, even though she cheated on me as well.
That is what thought as well - at least in the old days - my great Great Grandparents had to elope because he was Atheist and she was Catholic.

Aspydad is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #17 of 207 (permalink) Old 01-07-2015, 02:28 PM
Member
 
norajane's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 4,378
Re: My husband has recently become religious and I'm sooo not

OP, you said you were worried that he might see you differently now. Do you see him differently? Is that the real problem here?

I'm not religious and don't believe in God or gods or goddesses or anything. Neither does my SO. If he suddenly started praying and believing and thinking God sent him a guy sleeping off his bender as a sign, I'd think he was nuts. Seriously, I would, because he's never shown any signs of faith despite having a mother who strongly believes.

So I get it - it's very disconcerting when your partner suddenly seems to be someone else. I'd feel the same way if my SO suddenly started buying Hugo Boss and Ermenegildo Zegna suits, suddenly started to hate dogs, or suddenly told me he was bisexual. Who are you and what have you been smoking???

Maybe you can find a way to come to acceptance on religion. I don't really have any advice on how since I do see faith as one of those "irreconcilable differences" and I would totally see my SO as a different person if he changed the beliefs he's always professed. I also wouldn't be able to tolerate it as I believe it's all myths and fairy tales. So I'm just posting to tell you that I understand your viewpoint and why you're freaking out right now.
norajane is offline  
post #18 of 207 (permalink) Old 01-07-2015, 04:18 PM
Member
 
SadSamIAm's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Alberta
Posts: 2,520
Re: My husband has recently become religious and I'm sooo not

Quote:
Originally Posted by Aspydad View Post
That is what thought as well - at least in the old days - my great Great Grandparents had to elope because he was Atheist and she was Catholic.
My parents were married some 60 years ago in the Catholic church. I know my dad told me he was worried that the marriage might not be allowed in the church because my mom wasn't Catholic, but it was allowed.

I doubt that my mom ever told the Priest that she was aetheist. Just that she wasn't Catholic.
SadSamIAm is offline  
 
post #19 of 207 (permalink) Old 01-07-2015, 09:21 PM
Member
 
happy as a clam's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Midwest
Posts: 5,447
Re: My husband has recently become religious and I'm sooo not

Quote:
Originally Posted by norajane View Post
So I get it - it's very disconcerting when your partner suddenly seems to be someone else. I'd feel the same way if my SO suddenly started buying Hugo Boss and Ermenegildo Zegna suits, suddenly started to hate dogs, or suddenly told me he was bisexual. Who are you and what have you been smoking???
OP, don't make a mountain out of a molehill.

I am a devout Catholic, but most people would never know it. Not that I don't share my faith when apropos... but I never "push" or "shove" my beliefs on ANYONE (including my children.)

I taught them what I believe, but it's up to them to form their own opinions -- not up to me to turn them into "rote" robots.

Rejoice if your husband has found peace through his new-found faith (notice I don't use the word "religion??") Work out an agreement where he is free to do his thing and you are free to do yours.

"Love is chemicals masquerading as choices!"
~ Sandfly
happy as a clam is offline  
post #20 of 207 (permalink) Old 01-07-2015, 10:32 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 2
Re: My husband has recently become religious and I'm sooo not

Let me start off by saying I appreciate everyone’s input.
The whole situation has improved on some fronts. To answer some questions yes, we did talk about it and it resulted in very little resolution. When we first got together and for the past 7 years of our marriage he gave me no indication that he was even slightly religious. We didn’t get married in a church and our officiant was a pastor at a local church that was an acquaintance of my side of the family. I love my husband and we never fought or had a rough patch since we met until now so that is what has me so on edge. When I said our marriage is on the rocks it’s how I felt. I was upset and caught off guard. So much had changed in such a short time and we had actually “talked” about it that day and it didn’t go so well. So I felt like we were just going to stay angry at each other and that’s just how it would stay. He’s still going to attend church on Sundays and no, 3 hours during one day a week is not a deal breaker but owning our own business does not leave a lot of time during the week to spend together so weekends were reserved for family time.
As far as him seeing me differently, the bible (from what he has tried to explain to me) tells you how to live a good/righteous life. Keep in mind I have never read the bible or gone to church so this is very foreign to me. So if I don’t fit into the way a Christian is supposed to live their life that would cause him to view me as, what I believe would be categorized as, a sinner and creating more turmoil later if I don’t change my views. I know someone said that since he did get into this so quickly he is likely to come away from it just as quickly and he is an impulsive person but he says this is something he plans of sticking with.
Some also said the problem could be or is me. Yes, I’m not above saying that it could be me but that is why I wanted to explain this to someone that is not connected to us and get others point of view. I realize it’s nothing drastic like he recently became a drunk or abusive or he’s unfaithful to me I get it, trust me. I needed an outsider’s perspective and this gave me the opportunity.
DaniD0706 is offline  
post #21 of 207 (permalink) Old 01-07-2015, 11:38 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 735
Re: My husband has recently become religious and I'm sooo not

Why is your response not – wow, you actually believe – I sure wish I could – for some reason I cannot even bring myself to think about the possibility that a God exists and prefer to just believe that we are here on this earth by chance. I sure wish I could believe because then we could both worship God the Creator together. To me – this would be the response of a wife who loves and respects her husband and wants to be his partner until the end. Or, are you just his partner as long as he believes as you think he should believe? Kind of like – you’re in charge kind of thing – or “my way or the highway.” Is it that painful to actually support your husband and go to Church with him – are the people that are there that repulsive? If so – you may want to search real deep and ask yourself why you feel this way.

Huh? Why would her response need to be, "I wish I could believe?" All her response has to be is "I'm glad you have found something that makes you happy." For some people it is that painful to go to church. Or just a waste of time. Atheists can be just as devoted to their beliefs as a Christian. As we have seen in these posts, some people really want a partner who has similar beliefs concerning religion. This poster will have to think about whether she is ok accepting that they will have two different religious beliefs.

Maybe you understand that your Husband just might expect that his wife submit to him? Scary??

Yeah that is scary actually. That is why I have made a concerted effort to avoid "devout" Christian men. Because they like to use God as a weapon to maintain control over my personhood. My husband attends church with me and believes in God but he also questions the church.

The sound of your post makes it seem as though your husband has contracted aids or something - when the fact is - there is over a billion of people in the world just like you're husband who believe that God is real. If you're in the US - the majority (9 in 10) believe in God - so who is the one who may need to rethink here?


If 9 out of 10 people jumped off a cliff should a person do that too? Just because the majority of people believe in God does not mean that an individual should. That's not a very good reason to follow a religious belief.

I have seen this by the way - one of my Great Grandfathers was an atheist and his wife was a Christian - he loved her and still went to Church to be with her - as far as I know - he never believed right to the end - even after she died - but, I guess I will never know what was in his heart when that happened - I was only about 8 years old at the time and he died two years later. They where married for for over 55 years - and were happy.


That's sweet. I'm glad that they were happy.
Pooh Bear is offline  
post #22 of 207 (permalink) Old 01-07-2015, 11:48 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 735
Re: My husband has recently become religious and I'm sooo not

Quote:
Originally Posted by DaniD0706 View Post
Let me start off by saying I appreciate everyone’s input.
The whole situation has improved on some fronts. To answer some questions yes, we did talk about it and it resulted in very little resolution. When we first got together and for the past 7 years of our marriage he gave me no indication that he was even slightly religious. We didn’t get married in a church and our officiant was a pastor at a local church that was an acquaintance of my side of the family. I love my husband and we never fought or had a rough patch since we met until now so that is what has me so on edge. When I said our marriage is on the rocks it’s how I felt. I was upset and caught off guard. So much had changed in such a short time and we had actually “talked” about it that day and it didn’t go so well. So I felt like we were just going to stay angry at each other and that’s just how it would stay. He’s still going to attend church on Sundays and no, 3 hours during one day a week is not a deal breaker but owning our own business does not leave a lot of time during the week to spend together so weekends were reserved for family time.
As far as him seeing me differently, the bible (from what he has tried to explain to me) tells you how to live a good/righteous life. Keep in mind I have never read the bible or gone to church so this is very foreign to me. So if I don’t fit into the way a Christian is supposed to live their life that would cause him to view me as, what I believe would be categorized as, a sinner and creating more turmoil later if I don’t change my views. I know someone said that since he did get into this so quickly he is likely to come away from it just as quickly and he is an impulsive person but he says this is something he plans of sticking with.
Some also said the problem could be or is me. Yes, I’m not above saying that it could be me but that is why I wanted to explain this to someone that is not connected to us and get others point of view. I realize it’s nothing drastic like he recently became a drunk or abusive or he’s unfaithful to me I get it, trust me. I needed an outsider’s perspective and this gave me the opportunity.
Don't make assumptions about Christians. He may not judge anything you are doing. He has a responsiblity to make this marriage work, as well. It wouldn't be helpful to a good marriage if he starts judging you and telling you you need to repent. It will probably just take time to see how this change affects him. I would just suggest being happy for him that he has found something that makes him happy. And maintain your own boundries about what is important to you. It can work you just have to be respectful of each other.
Pooh Bear is offline  
post #23 of 207 (permalink) Old 01-08-2015, 06:03 AM
Member
 
Blossom Leigh's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 7,342
Re: My husband has recently become religious and I'm sooo not

Quote:
Originally Posted by DaniD0706 View Post
Let me start off by saying I appreciate everyone’s input.
The whole situation has improved on some fronts. To answer some questions yes, we did talk about it and it resulted in very little resolution. When we first got together and for the past 7 years of our marriage he gave me no indication that he was even slightly religious. We didn’t get married in a church and our officiant was a pastor at a local church that was an acquaintance of my side of the family. I love my husband and we never fought or had a rough patch since we met until now so that is what has me so on edge. When I said our marriage is on the rocks it’s how I felt. I was upset and caught off guard. So much had changed in such a short time and we had actually “talked” about it that day and it didn’t go so well. So I felt like we were just going to stay angry at each other and that’s just how it would stay. He’s still going to attend church on Sundays and no, 3 hours during one day a week is not a deal breaker but owning our own business does not leave a lot of time during the week to spend together so weekends were reserved for family time.
As far as him seeing me differently, the bible (from what he has tried to explain to me) tells you how to live a good/righteous life. Keep in mind I have never read the bible or gone to church so this is very foreign to me. So if I don’t fit into the way a Christian is supposed to live their life that would cause him to view me as, what I believe would be categorized as, a sinner and creating more turmoil later if I don’t change my views. I know someone said that since he did get into this so quickly he is likely to come away from it just as quickly and he is an impulsive person but he says this is something he plans of sticking with.
Some also said the problem could be or is me. Yes, I’m not above saying that it could be me but that is why I wanted to explain this to someone that is not connected to us and get others point of view. I realize it’s nothing drastic like he recently became a drunk or abusive or he’s unfaithful to me I get it, trust me. I needed an outsider’s perspective and this gave me the opportunity.
Just wanted to comment on a couple of things Dani. Ignore the posts saying it won't work. That is unbiblical. Also, something that may help you not feel under the microscope is realizing your H is STILL a sinner. Becoming Christian does not make him sinless all of a sudden and now he's "above" you. No, the ground at the foot of the cross is level and will always remain so. There are no hills elevating one person over another. All have equal need of Christ, therefore if there is elevation it is self created through pride and self righteousness and is a sin thus proving my point. So be encouraged to not fear a microscope. He is called to remove the plank out of his own eye before removing the speck in yours, come to you in a spirit of understanding and lay his life down for you regardless of your beliefs. If you want to remain with him Christ very much approves and I've got scripture to back it up. Oh, and one way to remedy the family time is just to go with him, not under the ospice of conversion, but just to not lose that time with him. Several posters have said the nonbelieving spouse attended. Don't make that a bigger deal than it needs to be. As long as you are not abused in that space, go be with him. Time away solved.

The day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to Blossom. - Anais Nin
Never underestimate the potential for things to improve in ways you cannot yet imagine. Karen Rohlf
Be soft as possible, but firm as necessary - Pat Parelli

Blossom's Road of Recovery and Reconciliation
Blossom Leigh is offline  
post #24 of 207 (permalink) Old 01-08-2015, 08:13 PM
Member
 
Westwind's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: The Avitar is from Yosemite
Posts: 66
Re: My husband has recently become religious and I'm sooo not

Give him a chance. He does not have a strong foundation.
Westwind is offline  
post #25 of 207 (permalink) Old 01-09-2015, 10:11 AM
Member
 
Westwind's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: The Avitar is from Yosemite
Posts: 66
Re: My husband has recently become religious and I'm sooo not

Quote:
Originally Posted by DaniD0706 View Post
... He had an incident with one of his employees that works for our company that resulted in finding the worker intoxicated in his car before work. He saw this as god answering his prayer because the night before he prayed that god would help him find a way to make sure his guys had enough work so he wouldn't have to lay anyone off. This certain worker was new to the trade and wasn't really up to snuff as it were. Showing up to work intoxicated was grounds for termination thus one less person to have to worry about keeping busy. I saw it as a drunk that was passed out in his car and he got busted but like I said my husband saw it as a gift from god. Ever since he's said he's felt different like he's had the spirit of god flow through him. He reads the bible every night and has made some other changes in a very short period of time...
He does not seem to me like he is truly spiritually enlightened. To really be so, he would have to pray about what to do while observing the drunk. It could have been the best thing to do would have been to get the fellow into an alcoholic's program for dealing with the problem. Your husband also does not know what the future might really bring. What if he did more marketing, or cut everyone back to 36 hours per week. These are things he could pray about with an open mind to accept whatever answer comes while praying, God's will be done in other words.

It is really difficult to do this because it means suppressing one's ego and being open. I doubt he is any closer to God than you are because he is just going with his own intellect and subconscious. I know this sounds odd, but you might be closer to God than he is. I was somewhere between an atheist and an agnostic, but was experimenting with a particular kind of meditation when I received a gift of enlightenment and I have now been following that beacon for 43 years. This does not have anything to do with "faith" except to give meditation a try. I do not want to push this path onto anyone else because it is very hard to do, to slowly let the ego dissolve away, or perhaps burn to ashes is another way of saying it, but no one gets harmed and the answers are always consistent with a problem. I am sure his mind is jumping around like a monkey.

Westwind is offline  
post #26 of 207 (permalink) Old 01-09-2015, 07:21 PM
Member
 
soccermom2three's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: California
Posts: 2,854
Re: My husband has recently become religious and I'm sooo not

Quote:
Originally Posted by woundedwarrior View Post
That is remarkable. The Catholic church usually won't marry couples of different denominations, much less an atheist. .
Not true. My BIL is Catholic and my SIL is Methodist and they were married in the Catholic Church. Just one of many couples I know that were married in the Catholic Church where one of the newlyweds is not Catholic.
soccermom2three is offline  
post #27 of 207 (permalink) Old 01-10-2015, 08:32 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 2,696
Re: My husband has recently become religious and I'm sooo not

Quote:
To me – this would be the response of a wife who loves and respects her husband and wants to be his partner until the end. Or, are you just his partner as long as he believes as you think he should believe? Kind of like – you’re in charge kind of thing – or “my way or the highway."
So when someone baits-and-switches a major tenet of the relationship - religion and involvement with the religious community, that's okay. As long as it's a man - then the question is about a wife's love and respect. And obviously the pain and terror of her having her own opinions and wanting to be equally considered in his "new" life.

Quote:
Maybe you understand that your Husband just might expect that his wife submit to him? Scary??
Guessed it would be rather quickly before that came up. And that right there is probably one of the biggest issues when someone suddenly "finds religion" and their religion tells them exactly what they want to hear - they should be the one in charge otherwise, God is mad or disappointed!

So, ultimately, it might depend what branch of Christianity your husband has involved himself in. If it's one heavily rooted in heavy "man good" "woman bad" theology, let me tell you from experience - that's a hard road to walk.

And that's why I no longer go to church.
Starstarfish is offline  
post #28 of 207 (permalink) Old 01-10-2015, 11:37 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 735
Re: My husband has recently become religious and I'm sooo not

So when someone baits-and-switches a major tenet of the relationship - religion and involvement with the religious community, that's okay.

I don't agree that it was bait and switch. That implies some intent - like he knew he was a Christian ahead of time but was trying to hide it to marry her. It is more that people just change. That just comes with age and is a human trait. Unfortunately, in marriage, that can sometimes make things difficult. Either you can grow and change together or you can't.
Pooh Bear is offline  
post #29 of 207 (permalink) Old 01-10-2015, 03:51 PM
Member
 
Blossom Leigh's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 7,342
Re: My husband has recently become religious and I'm sooo not

Quote:
Originally Posted by Starstarfish View Post
So when someone baits-and-switches a major tenet of the relationship - religion and involvement with the religious community, that's okay. As long as it's a man - then the question is about a wife's love and respect. And obviously the pain and terror of her having her own opinions and wanting to be equally considered in his "new" life.



Guessed it would be rather quickly before that came up. And that right there is probably one of the biggest issues when someone suddenly "finds religion" and their religion tells them exactly what they want to hear - they should be the one in charge otherwise, God is mad or disappointed!

So, ultimately, it might depend what branch of Christianity your husband has involved himself in. If it's one heavily rooted in heavy "man good" "woman bad" theology, let me tell you from experience - that's a hard road to walk.

And that's why I no longer go to church.
I guaratee you it was a hard road to walk because of misinterpretation of the Scriptures. Sorry it was that way for you

The day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to Blossom. - Anais Nin
Never underestimate the potential for things to improve in ways you cannot yet imagine. Karen Rohlf
Be soft as possible, but firm as necessary - Pat Parelli

Blossom's Road of Recovery and Reconciliation
Blossom Leigh is offline  
post #30 of 207 (permalink) Old 01-11-2015, 11:49 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 2,696
Re: My husband has recently become religious and I'm sooo not

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pooh Bear View Post
So when someone baits-and-switches a major tenet of the relationship - religion and involvement with the religious community, that's okay.

I don't agree that it was bait and switch. That implies some intent - like he knew he was a Christian ahead of time but was trying to hide it to marry her. It is more that people just change. That just comes with age and is a human trait. Unfortunately, in marriage, that can sometimes make things difficult. Either you can grow and change together or you can't.
It was less about it actually being a bait-and-switch and more about it's perception. It just seems that overall on TAM when a woman makes this kind of decision about nearly anything this major there's a hawk and cry about how women as a collective are deceitful and only marry only false pretenses, and etc, etc.

There is little if any room given for indeed, the idea of individual growth or a changing of one's mind. It's simply not allowed.

But when it's a man - it's heralded as only right. And more specifically in this specific instance it's right - because it's returning things to the proper order. That this man can now fully embrace his manhood by expecting his woman to "obey him" and obviously if she doesn't like his changing attitude, it's because she disagrees with the "proper order of things."
Starstarfish is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Excuse the novel. Husband is in too deep into a local religious group. whatever1 General Relationship Discussion 61 07-02-2012 04:05 PM
Recently found out husband cheated on me and still had pictures of the women Jeanna Coping with Infidelity 5 05-19-2012 06:05 AM
Recently (today) separated from controlling/abusive husband and I'm miseable CaliGirl Going Through Divorce or Separation 6 04-09-2012 05:54 AM
Sooo confused.... Confusion&Hurt Coping with Infidelity 5 09-05-2008 02:38 PM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome