My husband has recently become religious and I'm sooo not - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
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post #31 of 207 (permalink) Old 01-11-2015, 05:30 PM
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Re: My husband has recently become religious and I'm sooo not

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It was less about it actually being a bait-and-switch and more about it's perception. It just seems that overall on TAM when a woman makes this kind of decision about nearly anything this major there's a hawk and cry about how women as a collective are deceitful and only marry only false pretenses, and etc, etc.

There is little if any room given for indeed, the idea of individual growth or a changing of one's mind. It's simply not allowed.

But when it's a man - it's heralded as only right. And more specifically in this specific instance it's right - because it's returning things to the proper order. That this man can now fully embrace his manhood by expecting his woman to "obey him" and obviously if she doesn't like his changing attitude, it's because she disagrees with the "proper order of things."
I see. That's frustrating.

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post #32 of 207 (permalink) Old 01-11-2015, 05:35 PM
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Re: My husband has recently become religious and I'm sooo not

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You mean "accepting him?"

Would it be more acceptable if he took out Jesus, and instead spent his Sundays following men kicking around a bag of wind?
I think the original poster would prefer that he is not a Christian at all. And she does not have to accept this change. There is no reason for her to do so beyond her desire to continue with this marriage. This may be a dealbreaker for her. Think of it as if your partner joined an organization that you completely disagree with. How would you feel? Shock, probably. And then you would assess if it is ok that they are part of that organization. Not everyone is a Christian and not everyone wants to be.
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post #33 of 207 (permalink) Old 01-11-2015, 05:48 PM
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Re: My husband has recently become religious and I'm sooo not

Dani, try not to let what if thinking get the better of you. It seems like you're more afraid of the unknown than anything else so your mind spins possible outcomes. That's a short ride to anxiety and it will end up making you see things not really there IMO.

As long as you guys don't try to force a belief or lifestyle on each other then it really shouldn't cause conflict for him to be a believer and you not. There are many couples who remain happy and married when they both started out Christians and then one of them stops believing in religion as time passes. At least it seems that way.

I'm as deep as a puddle. Holland.
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post #34 of 207 (permalink) Old 01-14-2015, 01:52 PM
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Re: My husband has recently become religious and I'm sooo not

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So I'm new to this forum but glad I found it. I don't really have anyone to really talk to about this type of situation. So here's the deal.

My husband has recently, in the last three weeks, become a very strong believer. He had an incident with one of his employees that works for our company that resulted in finding the worker intoxicated in his car before work. He saw this as god answering his prayer because the night before he prayed that god would help him find a way to make sure his guys had enough work so he wouldn't have to lay anyone off. This certain worker was new to the trade and wasn't really up to snuff as it were. Showing up to work intoxicated was grounds for termination thus one less person to have to worry about keeping busy. I saw it as a drunk that was passed out in his car and he got busted but like I said my husband saw it as a gift from god. Ever since he's said he's felt different like he's had the spirit of god flow through him. He reads the bible every night and has made some other changes in a very short period of time. It's been a real shock to me and our relationship. I am not a believer in any way, shape, or form and tried to be supportive in the beginning but now I feel like it's completely changed our marriage because I'm constantly worrying about how he's viewing my words and actions. I know I look at him differently now too.
When we got married we had discussed our religious views and we were pretty much on the same page. We didn't follow any particular religion and didn't really have any interest in the Christian ideals. Now of course that has all changed. He has started going to church by himself and it kind of makes me angry because owning your own business is busy enough and now he's takes more time away from our family to go to church. I know that's not the right way to view it but that's how I feel. Like I said I'm in no way close to being religious and have no interest at all in any faith so this is all a shock to me. This sudden new found religion has definitely put our marriage on the rocks and all I can think of is the old saying "a family that prays together stays together" so if we are in two different worlds now does that mean our marriage won't work?

Why is it your way or no way? Why is him going to church for an hour for one day a week a reason to get mad?

If this is important to him, shouldn't you be supportive?
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post #35 of 207 (permalink) Old 01-19-2015, 08:47 AM
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Re: My husband has recently become religious and I'm sooo not

The OP indicated that they have little if any time together because of the time required to run their (or his) business, so I think she may be feeling that his church time is replacing their couple time, IE - that he's choosing his new found faith instead of her.

Some people who are faithful might feel that's "wrong" but - no matter if you are a person of faith or not, church time isn't couple time, so - it seems like there's going to be some figuring some things out for them not to sacrifice their time together so she doesn't feel "Left Behind."
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post #36 of 207 (permalink) Old 01-19-2015, 11:35 AM
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Re: My husband has recently become religious and I'm sooo not

Good evening all
I think that when someones outlook on life changes dramatically, it is OK to re-evaluate a marriage, but I also think that people should allow some time for these changes to complete and settle in.

I think a religious and non-religious person can be married, but only if each is truly willing to accept the other's belief, or lack of belief. If the religious person believes that they have a duty to convert the non-believer, then things will not go well. If the non-religious person has contempt for the beliefs of the religious person, there will be bad problems.

A key issue to be discussed (if applicable) is how to raise children as this is an area where no compromise may be possible.
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post #37 of 207 (permalink) Old 01-21-2015, 01:44 AM
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Re: My husband has recently become religious and I'm sooo not

I can see how this could put a strain on the marriage...in that H may actually incur the lowering of your respect. Also, as he continues to go and is getting edification and support from the church, being more of a part of the community of believers, H may begin to desire you presence...not to mention the burden he may feel concerning your own eternal future.

While the Bible does say to be wary of being "unequally yoked", it also says that if one is married to an unbeliever...and the unbeliever is still devoted to the marriage, then divorce should not be an option.

However, there is one area that should be discussed. If he is committed to his faith and you are committed to not participate...it should be stated that he needs to be going to men's groups and do his best to only associate with mature men. The last thing you need is for your husband to start relationships with women in the church...where basically he is sharing and receiving things from OW that he is unable to with you. Christians in the church cheat as much as non-believers.

You may very much feel like you are losing your husband and it is threatening the foundation of your home. To be honest, if his spiritual journey is genuine and the church is a healthy influence, then you may actually see improvements on his demeanor, attitude, patience, etc. If the changes are having a negative effect on him...whether he is acting increasingly critical or judgemental, the church has an unhealthy influence of control, or he begins to neglect his duties as a husband and whatnot...then it is worth asking him to set boundaries.

Here is a trick: challenge him with the Bible itself. If his beliefs start to be a little loopy or if he is being negative, then challenge him to show you in Scripture where he is justified. Of course, this may mean you may have to study up on the Bible yourself or do lots of online queries about certain issues...but trust me, there is no Biblical justification for ever leaving your family in the dust for church fellowship.
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post #38 of 207 (permalink) Old 01-21-2015, 10:03 AM
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Re: My husband has recently become religious and I'm sooo not

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I can see how this could put a strain on the marriage...in that H may actually incur the lowering of your respect. Also, as he continues to go and is getting edification and support from the church, being more of a part of the community of believers, H may begin to desire you presence...not to mention the burden he may feel concerning your own eternal future.

While the Bible does say to be wary of being "unequally yoked", it also says that if one is married to an unbeliever...and the unbeliever is still devoted to the marriage, then divorce should not be an option.

However, there is one area that should be discussed. If he is committed to his faith and you are committed to not participate...it should be stated that he needs to be going to men's groups and do his best to only associate with mature men. The last thing you need is for your husband to start relationships with women in the church...where basically he is sharing and receiving things from OW that he is unable to with you. Christians in the church cheat as much as non-believers.

You may very much feel like you are losing your husband and it is threatening the foundation of your home. To be honest, if his spiritual journey is genuine and the church is a healthy influence, then you may actually see improvements on his demeanor, attitude, patience, etc. If the changes are having a negative effect on him...whether he is acting increasingly critical or judgemental, the church has an unhealthy influence of control, or he begins to neglect his duties as a husband and whatnot...then it is worth asking him to set boundaries.

Here is a trick: challenge him with the Bible itself. If his beliefs start to be a little loopy or if he is being negative, then challenge him to show you in Scripture where he is justified. Of course, this may mean you may have to study up on the Bible yourself or do lots of online queries about certain issues...but trust me, there is no Biblical justification for ever leaving your family in the dust for church fellowship.
EXTREMELY wise post....

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Never underestimate the potential for things to improve in ways you cannot yet imagine. Karen Rohlf
Be soft as possible, but firm as necessary - Pat Parelli

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post #39 of 207 (permalink) Old 01-22-2015, 07:21 AM
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Re: My husband has recently become religious and I'm sooo not

Its good your husband become religious, explain him being religious is good thing but he should also maintain relation healthy way with you.
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post #40 of 207 (permalink) Old 02-02-2015, 11:58 PM
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Re: My husband has recently become religious and I'm sooo not

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Its good your husband become religious, explain him being religious is good thing but he should also maintain relation healthy way with you.

this

great point, nothing can be settled in a nice conversation.

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post #41 of 207 (permalink) Old 02-03-2015, 07:27 AM
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I think for now you should just try to be understanding, open-minded and patient. After all, if it only took one positive event for him to turn into a good, God loving Christian, it'll probably only take one negative event to change him right back.
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post #42 of 207 (permalink) Old 02-03-2015, 09:42 AM
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Re: My husband has recently become religious and I'm sooo not

I don't see why it has to affect your marriage as long as he doesn't make you feel guilty for not being religious. My Mom was Catholic and went to church every Sunday, my Dad converted to marry her but never went to church and it wasn't a problem.
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post #43 of 207 (permalink) Old 02-03-2015, 10:06 AM
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Re: My husband has recently become religious and I'm sooo not

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I don't see why it has to affect your marriage as long as he doesn't make you feel guilty for not being religious. My Mom was Catholic and went to church every Sunday, my Dad converted to marry her but never went to church and it wasn't a problem.
She might see HIM differently now. Atheists aren't necessarily open to partnering for life with someone they perceive as believing in myths. She didn't marry someone who believed in myths about gods, but now he's become that person and she isn't into it.

Vegetarians and meat eaters might be able to have a long, happy relationship if that's how they started their relationship. But some vegetarians might see their partners differently if they suddenly started eating meat even though they've always professed that they don't accept killing animals for food.
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post #44 of 207 (permalink) Old 02-03-2015, 10:43 PM
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Re: My husband has recently become religious and I'm sooo not

Hey Dani,

What is happening with this? How are you doing?
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post #45 of 207 (permalink) Old 02-04-2015, 11:12 AM
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Re: My husband has recently become religious and I'm sooo not

Having an encounter with Jesus as your savior is a powerful, life altering change. From the believer's perspective it is the single most important moment of your entire existence; more important than your marriage, your career, even the birth of your own children. It's like being in a dark room and having the light switched on.

Yes some impulsive people medicate on religion briefly. They don't have a true salvation moment, and their interest wanes as quickly as it came. But don't assume that because the experience happened suddenly that it's going to disappear. There are so many people who've had sudden, radical encounters with God that changed the course of their lives forever.

This is an extremely difficult position you're in, and I sympathize. For both of you. It's not as easy as him just keeping his spiritual transformation to himself. Anybody suggesting that doesn't really know how this works. It would be like your partner undergoing a sex change and suggesting that they keep it to themselves. No.

Jesus Christ is the most important figure in my life. I would have never married a woman who didn't have a personal relationship with him as her savior. It would never work because I couldn't be married to someone who didn't share THE single most important part of my life. We're talking about people who are discussing eternal views, not just life here. Huge matters. It's similar to the same way an atheist earlier in this thread said they could never be with a "true believer". They were dead on. If they look at their partners as being dedicated to a fantasy or myth, they would be asked to live with a perspective they consider delusional. A lot of atheists would never be with a believing partner for these, and many other reasons.

If your husband's conversion is a true, spiritual matter it will change your life. Even if he doesn't judge your actions in the way you fear, he will be prioritizing God in a way that you don't understand and that might make you very upset. He likely will also alway be praying to the Lord in hopes that you have the same experience.


For now I think you should remain open and try and learn as much as you can about his views. You all have so much to learn. Can't really make any major decisions unless you both get a better grasp on what's actually in front of you.

Later on you both need to be brutally honest about your expectations. His whole life view is shifting away from you. Can you live with that? Can he live with someone who wants nothing to do with the most important figure in his life now? Tough questions that require radical honesty and, sadly, the answers could lead toward the relationship ending. Some chasms are too difficult to bridge.

I truly, truly hope this works out for both of you in the end.
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