My husband has recently become religious and I'm sooo not - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
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post #46 of 207 (permalink) Old 02-04-2015, 11:40 AM
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Re: My husband has recently become religious and I'm sooo not

Reading more of the thread...

Understand that there is a major difference between a service going christian and one whose day to day life is steeped in trappings of overt belief.

If you're a christian who goes to church once or twice a week, and your spiritual practice doesn't extend much further than that, it's going to be very possible to live a life with someone of a totally different faith, or no faith at all. These kinds of mixed marriages aren't all that uncommon.

If you're a believer, however, who walks out most of the precepts and teachings of day to day living? You're going to be praying for and/or with your spouse, worshipping together, attending church together, raising your children up with the knowledge of who you believe God to be, it will affect the things you consider "right" or "wrong", etc. You might find yourself longing to have a partner who doesn't just tolerate your beliefs, and you theirs, but who is vitally, actively involved in your spiritual walk; who isn't just spouse, but spiritual partner. And yes, elephant in the room here, someone you believe is heading into eternity with you.

I have friends who are agnostic, of other faiths, or don't believe at all. I'm open with my faith, but I don't push it on them. Our differences aren't an issue. But with my wife? Could never happen. She's my life partner. We would have to be on the same road in this.

VMS did a great job outlining this perspective from the other side. She said it was a big issue to even see a bible in her spouse's possession. So the split on this is far from just being an issue for the believing spouse.

This can work IF your spouse is more of the service christian, the kind that keeps their religions relegated more to Sunday, following general moral rules, and keeping their views mostly to themselves. Truth be told, many people are, if not most.

But if your, and anyone else's spouse, becomes the kind who lives specifically Christ centered life, with all the fixings? That is a much, much bigger issue.


Last edited by jaquen; 02-04-2015 at 12:02 PM.
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post #47 of 207 (permalink) Old 02-04-2015, 03:56 PM
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Re: My husband has recently become religious and I'm sooo not

Dani, it sounds to me if you are not so much concerned that your husband has found religion, but you are afraid of the change it might bring. Change is frightening, particularly if the relationship has been rock solid until now.

I think it is probably premature to label your marriage "on the rocks," unless there is another underlying problem you have not shared.

Take a deep breath and calm down. Be an objective observer of your husband and relationship. Ask yourself "how much of our lives have really changed?" How much am I willing to bend with, and how much will I not be able to tolerate?

I know you want answers to your questions right now, but those answers may not be available. If your husband's faith and practice of that faith is still forming, it would be unrealistic and unfair to demand answers to questions about "where is your faith going to take us?"

Marriage is about growth and change together; I think it would serve you well to be flexible enough to allow him to explore his spirituality, even if yours doesn't match.

Case in point: I am a Wiccan married to an Orthodox Jew. Before we married, my husband and I spent four years discussing our belief systems and how those beliefs would affect our lives as a married couple. Over the years, our beliefs - and practices of those beliefs - have changed and thankfully, we have been flexible enough to cope.

We cope by utilizing the #1 Rule for a Happy Marriage: Absolute respect for the spouse. There are a few things in Judaism I just can't roll with. I respect my spouse for his beliefs even if I can't share them. Likewise, my spouse respects me for my own beliefs.

In short, if you cannot be flexible enough to respect and support your spouse for exploration and growth in his spirituality, your relationship will stagnate. If he cannot respect your choice to not share his beliefs, then your marriage becomes a battleground.

I sincerely hope you both have the fortitude and respect to accept the changes to come.
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post #48 of 207 (permalink) Old 02-04-2015, 04:37 PM
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I having a really hard time with your conclusion, Jaquen. That after laying out this beautiful flowing verse all about the glory of a Christian marriage based on a personal walk with Christ, that your conclusion for the OP is either get with the program or potentially face a divorce.

Or that if the don't divorce, it's probably because the husband is a bad Christian who just isn't it his faith. He's not rearly living it.

Honestly, both those posts seem to only exist as a way to brag about the superiority of your marriage as an example of "proper Christian behavior" and extort people for not coming to faith earlier in life and therefore making it a major tenant in who they choose to marry.
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post #49 of 207 (permalink) Old 02-04-2015, 08:37 PM
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Re: My husband has recently become religious and I'm sooo not

I did not read the others posts. However, I am in the same boat as you -cept it was my wife. From my personal (LIVE) experience, this is probably doomed to fail. I am usually an optimist on most issues, but this one I will fall short. LIke you, we discussed religion briefily and agreed to respect others, yet a couple years later she had a "conversion" (or w/e they call it) and to day 11yrs later, it has been nothing short of stressful living. Almost "roommate" effect. We no longer talk, as we have nothing much in common, since everything she wants to talk about is god related, there i no more intimacy, since we got married via JOP, and the catholic church does not recognize that as married, so she see's herself living in sin.. and there are financial issues since she does not work.

I've decided the big "D". I have spoken to a few people in the same situation, they all agree, once the religious overbearing aspect hits, it is a tough ride, and eventually it doesn't work.

In the beginning we agreed to respect each others faith, but it is overbearing. I am on your side. This type of relationship rarely works. I found most of Aspydad's (bible thumping) post a little offensive, as this is not the topic of finding "god" but failing the marriage - breaking promises, and what options she should take regarding it. She did nothing wrong, and now feels betrayed - criticizing her because she does not feel the same "strength" (or belief as him) is discrimination, and not addressing her issue.

I am spiritual, but it doesn't affect how I treat my wife. And I am sure I have exhausted all my options of being patient(my friends and family think I put up with too much, but I follow my vows I made - a promise. but enough is enough), like her husband, my wife too, goes to church all the time now, refuses to work. YES, there is a pattern here. It is a very common situation. Something "pops" and poof, everything is god this and that, and the marriage goes way side, along with the families livelihood.

I have dealt with her for 8yrs now - My suggestion to you, is if you see no change, you might want to consider the alternative. I've lost my business because of her - while I do not blame her (I could always so no), it is the fact that she puts me in situations that she knows she should not. And I fear your husband will do the same. As you mentioned, he is already stressing the business out. Don't let it go to far. Or you will find yourself paycheck-to-paycheck, and worse, a broken heart.


Listen to Poobear, VMS and SoSadIAm,

They are correct. That is how we did it in the beginning, but she let religion take over. Some people here I noticed do not understand the damage "unhealthy-obsession" with religion can be (doctors diagnosed my wife with an OCD of Religion, I did not know that was a disorder!!), What they fail to realize is that your husband is on a path of taking his religious believes to an unhealthy level, and will knock you down if you interfere.

Keep in touch, I would like to know how things go...
I chose the big D, I don't like living like roommates anymore - I am someone too. and you are to. Just remember that!
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post #50 of 207 (permalink) Old 02-04-2015, 09:15 PM
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Re: My husband has recently become religious and I'm sooo not

Guy drunk: God answering a prayer? God giving the lesson: Judge not lest ye be judged?

When the Bible is used like legal rulings to give precedence for behavior, and I find that is how it is too often used, it is more crutch than a gateway to enlightenment.

Do you go to his work? Eat lunch together? Ask the employees how they would move the business forward?

I do not believe in astrology, but read my horoscope every day. I find it a way to self examine my life, beliefs and to remind me to look. You might find going to church to be a similar experience. From time to time, I go to church, go sit with zen monks and listen to one speak. Messages from God?

I am God. So are you. So what?

Life is lessons. Get the lesson, or stay after school and get the lesson again ( more intensely). Nothing to do with the Bible. You can randomly open any book, blindly put your finger on the page and read. Those books are as much a work of God as the Bible etc. Just tools for us to examine our own lives.

Organized religion, like government is good in theory, but terrible in practice.

Note: I am about as far from being a Christian as can be.
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post #51 of 207 (permalink) Old 02-04-2015, 10:52 PM
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Re: My husband has recently become religious and I'm sooo not

I may be wrong, but I get the feeling you may have some underlying issues with religion or religious people. You may need to re-examine your biases and expectations of what it means to "get religion". Just because a person is suddenly seeing a greater design or plan does not mean they necessarily go straight into judgement mode. It just means that they begin to have faith that things are working out to a greater goal and purpose. That they have no true understanding of the purpose, but that they are willing to endure trials and accept victory in the name of ultimate good. Again, many, many people have developed certain biases against religion based on their feelings of receiving judgement from people who claim the label of "Christian". Be sure your reactions are based on real reasoning and not on what certain people have done to give you a certain perception of what "religious people" behave like.
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post #52 of 207 (permalink) Old 02-04-2015, 10:57 PM
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Re: My husband has recently become religious and I'm sooo not

Have any of you noticed that the OP posted 2 times in early January and has not returned? she's gone already.
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post #53 of 207 (permalink) Old 02-05-2015, 04:19 AM
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Re: My husband has recently become religious and I'm sooo not

The marriage is not doomed Dani as it will be your choice. The scripture says if an unbeliever is happy to dwell with you don't seperate.

From the scriptures he will receive instruction to love you, understand you and care for you but in no way is he instructed to seperate from you. God is a God of love. Really the ball is in your court. I am thrilled personally that he has found Christ. If you feel guilty regarding his life style it doesn't make his lifestyle wrong.

If he has become a true believer in Christ he will not be religious in the wrong sense. It is not really about religion but about faith in Christ. It is a wonderful thing.
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post #54 of 207 (permalink) Old 02-05-2015, 07:26 AM
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Post Re: My husband has recently become religious and I'm sooo not

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Tolerance is a very Christian principle.
You HAVE to be kidding me, right? "Tolerance" isn't a hallmark of ANY religion, let alone Christianity. The Bible orders evangelism; that is, a good Christian's responsibility is to spread the faith, which includes making sure you tell people that they will go to hell if they don't follow its values. Keep in mind, that pesky commandment about not following other gods, so if you're religious, but not to the Christian god, you're going to hell. Sound like tolerance to you?

On the OP's particular topic, my issue would not be with his suddenly being a churchgoer. My reaction to this, and my attitude toward any such story from a religious person, is that this isn't critical thinking, this isn't intelligent perspective. Quite the opposite, I don't know, call it "wishful" thinking, "woo-woo," or I could probably use more pejorative terms. It's a desperation, it's something people do when they either don't want to take control/accountability, or can't. Your husband needed some "sign" to help him? And a drunk guy in a car was the answer to his prayers? This is DELUSION. He wanted a sign, he would have found it ANYWHERE, including in NOTHING. No matter what, after his "diligent prayer," he would have spent that whole day looking for the "signs," and eventually would have crafted just about anything into his "answer, and then proclaimed "God!"
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post #55 of 207 (permalink) Old 02-05-2015, 07:39 AM
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Re: My husband has recently become religious and I'm sooo not

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From the scriptures he will receive instruction to love you, understand you and care for you but in no way is he instructed to seperate from you. God is a God of love. Really the ball is in your court. I am thrilled personally that he has found Christ. If you feel guilty regarding his life style it doesn't make his lifestyle wrong.

If he has become a true believer in Christ he will not be religious in the wrong sense. It is not really about religion but about faith in Christ. It is a wonderful thing.
OR, he may pull out this little gem:

"Ephesians 5:22: Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord."

and suddenly command her to be some subservient slave wife to him. Which brings me back to my favorite saying in all the world lately: "You don't need religion to justify good ideas; you need it to justify the bad ones." Now that "God is on his side" and is answering his prayers, who knows what's on the table for him to try to claim is "God's will."

What no believer here is going to understand, is that to critical thinkers, to non-believers, "people of faith" are virtually indistinguishable from the people in the insane asylum. You hear voices, you claim to be getting signs from beyond, you believe you can close your eyes and think thoughts and that your god will subsequently change reality based on your requests. Believers rise up, like you, and claim that "having faith" is some ethereal achievement, you are "thrilled" that he's "found Christ" as if it's truly an accomplishment. Deciding you're being watched over by an imaginary being is dysfunctional, I'm sorry, it just is. Tell me how it's different than deciding the Loch Ness Monster exists, or Big Foot, but now add in that those beings are actually personally interested in your life and well-being? Gah, I can't even continue, I can only imagine the half-****ed justifications you'll start ringing off...

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post #56 of 207 (permalink) Old 02-05-2015, 07:44 AM
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Re: My husband has recently become religious and I'm sooo not

I offer this to help you see how critical thinkers see "faith":

Quote:
“Faith is the surrender of the mind, it's the surrender of reason, it's the surrender of the only thing that makes us different from other animals. It's our need to believe and to surrender our skepticism and our reason, our yearning to discard that and put all our trust or faith in someone or something, that is the sinister thing to me. ... Out of all the virtues, all the supposed virtues, faith must be the most overrated.” - Christopher Hitchens
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post #57 of 207 (permalink) Old 02-05-2015, 08:23 AM
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Re: My husband has recently become religious and I'm sooo not

It is amazing that your husband views the clear misfortune of another (evidence of alcoholism-- which could be the result of mental illness or trauma-- and could ultimately become the result of some serious and life threatening health conditions like liver failure, kidney failure, neuropathy or heart failure to name just a few) as God's personal favor to *him* to make his job of laying off an employee easier on *him.* Yes, he had to lay off the alcoholic employee. But to view it as a gift from God requires some pretty amazing mental gymnastics and no small degree of selfishness. I am thinking his new found religiosity will be short-lived, because the next unlucky bounce he personally experiences will become evidence that God doesn't exist. If you want to continue your relationship with him, that is up to you. You didn't mention children so, if you don't want to continue the marriage because you don't respect his values (and I can't say I would blame you) it wouldn't be that difficult to move on. If you want to continue the marriage, I would try to keep the lines of communication open and discuss what you both expect from each other now that he has found God. It will help make your decision easier.
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post #58 of 207 (permalink) Old 02-05-2015, 08:44 AM
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OR, he may pull out this little gem:

"Ephesians 5:22: Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord."

and suddenly command her to be some subservient slave wife to him. Which brings me back to my favorite saying in all the world lately: "You don't need religion to justify good ideas; you need it to justify the bad ones." Now that "God is on his side" and is answering his prayers, who knows what's on the table for him to try to claim is "God's will."

What no believer here is going to understand, is that to critical thinkers, to non-believers, "people of faith" are virtually indistinguishable from the people in the insane asylum. You hear voices, you claim to be getting signs from beyond, you believe you can close your eyes and think thoughts and that your god will subsequently change reality based on your requests. Believers rise up, like you, and claim that "having faith" is some ethereal achievement, you are "thrilled" that he's "found Christ" as if it's truly an accomplishment. Deciding you're being watched over by an imaginary being is dysfunctional, I'm sorry, it just is. Tell me how it's different than deciding the Loch Ness Monster exists, or Big Foot, but now add in that those beings are actually personally interested in your life and well-being? Gah, I can't even continue, I can only imagine the half-****ed justifications you'll start ringing off...
Dude you crack me up!������

Are you in a satisfying and successful ltr? Just wondering because you don't seem to happy.

Maybe faith is a desirable genetic trait for evolution. The majority of the population of the planet believe in some diety.

If , evolutionarily speaking, faith was an undesirable trait for the survival of preferred species, why is it so prolific?

Why was a guy like me so sexually attractive to females of all beliefs?

How come I beat out so much competition in the mating arena if a faith trait is so undesirable?

From a purely logical stand point, faith is a strong and desirable trait, chosen by most potential mates for reproduction. Otherwise, there would be a much smaller % in the human gene pool.
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post #59 of 207 (permalink) Old 02-05-2015, 08:53 AM
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Re: My husband has recently become religious and I'm sooo not

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If , evolutionarily speaking, faith was an undesirable trait for the survival of preferred species, why is it so prolific?
Most likely, faith is (on balance) a non-detrimental/non-beneficial side effect of another evolved trait that does have survival value. One such hypothesized trait is the survival advantage children gain when they unquestioningly believe in and obey authority, until such time as they are able to gain sufficient experience to avoid or respond to dangerous situations on their own.

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

CELIBACY IS NOT HEREDITARY.
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post #60 of 207 (permalink) Old 02-05-2015, 09:28 AM
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Re: My husband has recently become religious and I'm sooo not

Quote:
Originally Posted by ConanHub View Post
Dude you crack me up!������

Are you in a satisfying and successful ltr? Just wondering because you don't seem to happy.

Maybe faith is a desirable genetic trait for evolution. The majority of the population of the planet believe in some diety.

If , evolutionarily speaking, faith was an undesirable trait for the survival of preferred species, why is it so prolific?

Why was a guy like me so sexually attractive to females of all beliefs?

How come I beat out so much competition in the mating arena if a faith trait is so undesirable?

From a purely logical stand point, faith is a strong and desirable trait, chosen by most potential mates for reproduction. Otherwise, there would be a much smaller % in the human gene pool.
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"purely logical" and "faith" are POLAR OPPOSITES. Let's be clear: "faith" is when you hold a belief that has no evidence to support it. That is not desirable. Next time you're driving, let go of the wheel and just "have faith" that the car will go straight, that god will protect you, see how that works out.

Do you have any idea how many USELESS things evolution hasn't selected out yet? Faith's persistence is not indicative of its usefulness, and it CERTAINLY does not constitute proof of that in which you have faith. God is unproven, that is fact. Moreover, the mere concept of the god that the Bible claims is ludicrous. That god is a sadistic, vindictive, vengeful psychopath, who consistently wreaks death and misfortune upon the beings he created (and apparently messed up) when they don't do as they're told. For the record, though ,the portion of non-religous people in the US is rapidly increasing. Maybe "evolution" is starting to select you people out...
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