My husband has recently become religious and I'm sooo not - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 207 (permalink) Old 01-06-2015, 10:47 PM Thread Starter
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My husband has recently become religious and I'm sooo not

So I'm new to this forum but glad I found it. I don't really have anyone to really talk to about this type of situation. So here's the deal.

My husband has recently, in the last three weeks, become a very strong believer. He had an incident with one of his employees that works for our company that resulted in finding the worker intoxicated in his car before work. He saw this as god answering his prayer because the night before he prayed that god would help him find a way to make sure his guys had enough work so he wouldn't have to lay anyone off. This certain worker was new to the trade and wasn't really up to snuff as it were. Showing up to work intoxicated was grounds for termination thus one less person to have to worry about keeping busy. I saw it as a drunk that was passed out in his car and he got busted but like I said my husband saw it as a gift from god. Ever since he's said he's felt different like he's had the spirit of god flow through him. He reads the bible every night and has made some other changes in a very short period of time. It's been a real shock to me and our relationship. I am not a believer in any way, shape, or form and tried to be supportive in the beginning but now I feel like it's completely changed our marriage because I'm constantly worrying about how he's viewing my words and actions. I know I look at him differently now too.
When we got married we had discussed our religious views and we were pretty much on the same page. We didn't follow any particular religion and didn't really have any interest in the Christian ideals. Now of course that has all changed. He has started going to church by himself and it kind of makes me angry because owning your own business is busy enough and now he's takes more time away from our family to go to church. I know that's not the right way to view it but that's how I feel. Like I said I'm in no way close to being religious and have no interest at all in any faith so this is all a shock to me. This sudden new found religion has definitely put our marriage on the rocks and all I can think of is the old saying "a family that prays together stays together" so if we are in two different worlds now does that mean our marriage won't work?

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post #2 of 207 (permalink) Old 01-06-2015, 11:07 PM
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Re: My husband has recently become religious and I'm sooo not

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Originally Posted by DaniD0706 View Post
So I'm new to this forum but glad I found it. I don't really have anyone to really talk to about this type of situation. So here's the deal.

My husband has recently, in the last three weeks, become a very strong believer. He had an incident with one of his employees that works for our company that resulted in finding the worker intoxicated in his car before work. He saw this as god answering his prayer because the night before he prayed that god would help him find a way to make sure his guys had enough work so he wouldn't have to lay anyone off. This certain worker was new to the trade and wasn't really up to snuff as it were. Showing up to work intoxicated was grounds for termination thus one less person to have to worry about keeping busy. I saw it as a drunk that was passed out in his car and he got busted but like I said my husband saw it as a gift from god. Ever since he's said he's felt different like he's had the spirit of god flow through him. He reads the bible every night and has made some other changes in a very short period of time. It's been a real shock to me and our relationship. I am not a believer in any way, shape, or form and tried to be supportive in the beginning but now I feel like it's completely changed our marriage because I'm constantly worrying about how he's viewing my words and actions. I know I look at him differently now too.
When we got married we had discussed our religious views and we were pretty much on the same page. We didn't follow any particular religion and didn't really have any interest in the Christian ideals. Now of course that has all changed. He has started going to church by himself and it kind of makes me angry because owning your own business is busy enough and now he's takes more time away from our family to go to church. I know that's not the right way to view it but that's how I feel. Like I said I'm in no way close to being religious and have no interest at all in any faith so this is all a shock to me. This sudden new found religion has definitely put our marriage on the rocks and all I can think of is the old saying "a family that prays together stays together" so if we are in two different worlds now does that mean our marriage won't work?
I don't think so. It is definitely an adjustment. But I think as long as he is not expecting you to convert I think it can still work. You just have to work out the logistics of it. Was Sunday the only day that you had as a family?
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post #3 of 207 (permalink) Old 01-06-2015, 11:11 PM
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Re: My husband has recently become religious and I'm sooo not

Why do you think he looks at you differently now?

About him going to Church weekly. A person, even a married person, should be able to take an hour or two a week to do something that they enjoy and/or is meaningful to them.

I don't see why you two cannot adjust to his changed perspective on religion.

Furthermore, keep in mind that he made this change on a dime. There is a good chance he'll stop is in the same manner.

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post #4 of 207 (permalink) Old 01-06-2015, 11:12 PM
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Re: My husband has recently become religious and I'm sooo not

Tough spot. I'm a secular Buddhist and atheist, and could never be married to a "true believer." It would just never work.

I see this as being similar to a spouse making any other huge change in themselves. Sometimes those changes mean you can't get along with them anymore. You didn't marry a religious person any more than you married an alcoholic or gambler.

If he can leave you out if his religion, then maybe it could work, but I see it as a recipe for him meeting a "good Christian woman" and leaving you behind. Or you leaving him because he's began trying to convert you. It can really only work if he doesn't allow his beliefs to change how he sees you.
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post #5 of 207 (permalink) Old 01-06-2015, 11:38 PM
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Re: My husband has recently become religious and I'm sooo not

The following quotes from your post stuck out the most for me:

Quote:
Originally Posted by DaniD0706 View Post
I am not a believer in any way, shape, or form and tried to be supportive in the beginning but now I feel like it's completely changed our marriage because I'm constantly worrying about how he's viewing my words and actions. I know I look at him differently now too.
It's only been 3 WEEKS and it seems that you're already starting to worry that he views you differently. Have you tried talking to him about this?

Quote:
He has started going to church by himself and it kind of makes me angry because owning your own business is busy enough and now he's takes more time away from our family to go to church. I know that's not the right way to view it but that's how I feel.
How many hours a week is he in church? One? Three? Ten? How would you feel if he spent that same amount of time working out at the gym or going for a run in the neighborhood?

Quote:
This sudden new found religion has definitely put our marriage on the rocks
Wow. Only 3 weeks and you're marriage is already "on the rocks"? No where do you even mention that you tried TALKING to your spouse about your doubts and fears.

Quote:
so if we are in two different worlds now does that mean our marriage won't work?
Of course not. But it's up to BOTH people to reach a mutual compromise about this without resentment building up.

You seem to have a lot of fear about this. You were probably pretty content with the way things were, and now you're afraid that he'll start to view you differently, because YOU are starting to view HIM differently. Did it occur to you that his change of heart just MIGHT be beneficial (instead of detrimental) to your marriage?

A lot of 'religion' is about a philosophy of how to live one's life. For example: The Bible says, "Thou shall not lie". MOST people view lying as 'wrong', whether they're 'religious' or not. But the religious people may view lying as wrong because God said so, where as a non-believer may view it as wrong because it tears at the fabric of society. If you and your spouse both view lying as wrong, but for different reasons, do the reasons really matter?

This only happened 3 weeks ago and it's a big adjustment. It'll take some time to work it out IF you want to work it out. As long as your husband doesn't try to force YOU to start attending church or to believe in HIS beliefs, or you don't resent him for changing his beliefs, then you can both start communicating your fears and needs to one another.

Another possibility is that this is a phase your husband may be going through, and although his faith is strong NOW, it may weaken if he comes upon another trying time. My own husband (now deceased) went through something similar. Believed he had a revelation of sorts. Lasted for about 3 months.

Just something to think about.

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post #6 of 207 (permalink) Old 01-07-2015, 06:47 AM
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Re: My husband has recently become religious and I'm sooo not

I don't know if your husband is into "real" Christianity, or one of the "convenience-store" branches of it, but try to make a positive of it...

There are most likely some "rules" to his faith that he is probably getting used to practicing... some that you might find benefit from.

Alternatively, there might be some rules about how he should be treating you and your family.

Read a bunch of stuff regarding his faith... ALL kinds of stuff, from basic beliefs to various areas of criticism on it. There are some areas in it you can agree with, and some valid points against it.

As someone who is NOT of faith, you obviously shouldn't be expected to join him in his religion, but that doesn't mean that there aren't ways you can benefit.
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post #7 of 207 (permalink) Old 01-07-2015, 07:05 AM
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Re: My husband has recently become religious and I'm sooo not

I can speak as someone that is a Christian, if he truly has turned himself over to God now, your marriage will no longer work. The fact that it bothers you that he spends an hour a week at church proves my point. Atheists and Christians don't mix and they never will. The Christian faith is a way of life and not just an hour a week and I've never met an atheist who doesn't grow tired of it.
I'm not knocking you or anyone else, you're free to believe what you want, but unless you can completely support him, it will never work.

Read this and do further research and the facts will be the same.

http://family.custhelp.com/app/answe...nd-a-christian

Last edited by woundedwarrior; 01-07-2015 at 07:14 AM.
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post #8 of 207 (permalink) Old 01-07-2015, 07:15 AM
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Re: My husband has recently become religious and I'm sooo not

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Originally Posted by woundedwarrior View Post
unless you can completely support him, it will never work.
Yes, and unless he can completely support you, it will never work either.

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

CELIBACY IS NOT HEREDITARY.
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post #9 of 207 (permalink) Old 01-07-2015, 08:52 AM
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Re: My husband has recently become religious and I'm sooo not

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Atheists and Christians don't mix and they never will.
My exb/f was an atheist married to a deeply religious Christian woman for 17 years before she passed away. She went to church on Sunday and was otherwise involved in the church. He even attended church with her once in a great while.

Although he didn't believe in God, he never tried to stop HER from believing or practicing her own religion. He never mocked her for her beliefs. Guess you could say that he practiced tolerance for her beliefs. Tolerance is a very Christian principle.

And yes, there are atheists who are more "Christian" than some Christians!

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post #10 of 207 (permalink) Old 01-07-2015, 09:46 AM
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Re: My husband has recently become religious and I'm sooo not

You say your marriage is "on the rocks" after only THREE WEEKS of him exploring his faith. This doesn't speak well to the strength of your marriage to begin with, OP.

My good friend is a devout Christian married to an atheist for 27 years. They have a remarkable marriage. She doesn't try to pursuade him to convert, and he respects her right to practice her faith.

Have a little "faith" in your marriage...


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post #11 of 207 (permalink) Old 01-07-2015, 11:53 AM
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Re: My husband has recently become religious and I'm sooo not

Was your husband religious prior to meeting you?

You said, "He saw this as god answering his prayer because the night before he prayed that god would help him find a way to make sure his guys had enough work so he wouldn't have to lay anyone off."

This sounds to me like he is more religious than he was letting on. Non-religious people don't generally pray about things.

My DH was very religious as a kid/teen. As he got older, he found less and less reason to be religious, and questioned it a lot more. He would describe himself to me as basically agnostic. I found it strange though that he kept a bible on his nightstand. He never could give me a good reason why that made any sense with what he claimed to believe.

One time he was visiting me while he was on leave from his position overseas. I noticed he had a bible in his backpack. I was very confused by this - why would a non-religious, non-practicing person devote backpack space to a bible on an international trip if they had no intention of reading it?

I asked him about it, and he basically refused to answer. We had a fight over it. I felt betrayed, and I felt like I wasn't sure if I really knew him. Finding a bible in his backpack went against what he claimed to believe, kind of like finding a pipe in the bag of someone who says they don't get high. He didn't think it mattered, but to ME, it mattered a lot. I did not, would not, marry someone who fully believed in God. I just couldn't. It goes against everything that I believe. So it was a big deal to me, it was a deal breaker.

I dropped the issue in the end, figuring time would tell if it was going to be a problem or not. It hasn't come up since. I still get the feeling he's not being honest with me, but he hasn't ever mentioned religion so why let myself worry about it?

If you and he can't avoid telling the other they are wrong, or feeling contempt for each other for not "seeing the truth," then there's a big incompatibility issue in your marriage.

If you can understand why he has become (for the first time, or again) religious, then you might find yourself giving him some slack. But if you just really cannot possibly wrap your head around it, and he continues to be religious, and it changes how you view him, then I think you'd be doing you both a favor to leave the marriage.
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post #12 of 207 (permalink) Old 01-07-2015, 12:29 PM
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Re: My husband has recently become religious and I'm sooo not

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I can speak as someone that is a Christian, if he truly has turned himself over to God now, your marriage will no longer work. The fact that it bothers you that he spends an hour a week at church proves my point. Atheists and Christians don't mix and they never will. The Christian faith is a way of life and not just an hour a week and I've never met an atheist who doesn't grow tired of it.
I'm not knocking you or anyone else, you're free to believe what you want, but unless you can completely support him, it will never work.

Read this and do further research and the facts will be the same.

Marriage Between an Atheist and a Christian
I am a Christian and I dated an atheist for three and a half years with no issue. He supported my beliefs and I supported his. The religion was not the reason that relationship ended. So it is completely possible. Both people just have to be willing to respect the others religious stance.
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post #13 of 207 (permalink) Old 01-07-2015, 01:13 PM
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Re: My husband has recently become religious and I'm sooo not

My father was a devout Roman Catholic. My mother an aetheist.

My father went to church every week. Sometimes more than once. My mother never attended. My mother only attended for the odd wedding/funeral.

They were married for 50 years. No issues with one being religious and the other not.
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post #14 of 207 (permalink) Old 01-07-2015, 01:50 PM
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Re: My husband has recently become religious and I'm sooo not

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My father was a devout Roman Catholic. My mother an aetheist.

My father went to church every week. Sometimes more than once. My mother never attended. My mother only attended for the odd wedding/funeral.

They were married for 50 years. No issues with one being religious and the other not.
That is remarkable. The Catholic church usually won't marry couples of different denominations, much less an atheist. My first wife was a Nazarene and that was the only reason I was granted an annulment, even though she cheated on me as well.
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post #15 of 207 (permalink) Old 01-07-2015, 01:52 PM
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Re: My husband has recently become religious and I'm sooo not

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Originally Posted by DaniD0706 View Post
So I'm new to this forum but glad I found it. I don't really have anyone to really talk to about this type of situation. So here's the deal.

My husband has recently, in the last three weeks, become a very strong believer. He had an incident with one of his employees that works for our company that resulted in finding the worker intoxicated in his car before work. He saw this as god answering his prayer because the night before he prayed that god would help him find a way to make sure his guys had enough work so he wouldn't have to lay anyone off. This certain worker was new to the trade and wasn't really up to snuff as it were. Showing up to work intoxicated was grounds for termination thus one less person to have to worry about keeping busy. I saw it as a drunk that was passed out in his car and he got busted but like I said my husband saw it as a gift from god. Ever since he's said he's felt different like he's had the spirit of god flow through him. He reads the bible every night and has made some other changes in a very short period of time. It's been a real shock to me and our relationship. I am not a believer in any way, shape, or form and tried to be supportive in the beginning but now I feel like it's completely changed our marriage because I'm constantly worrying about how he's viewing my words and actions. I know I look at him differently now too.
When we got married we had discussed our religious views and we were pretty much on the same page. We didn't follow any particular religion and didn't really have any interest in the Christian ideals. Now of course that has all changed. He has started going to church by himself and it kind of makes me angry because owning your own business is busy enough and now he's takes more time away from our family to go to church. I know that's not the right way to view it but that's how I feel. Like I said I'm in no way close to being religious and have no interest at all in any faith so this is all a shock to me. This sudden new found religion has definitely put our marriage on the rocks and all I can think of is the old saying "a family that prays together stays together" so if we are in two different worlds now does that mean our marriage won't work?
Let me see if I get this straight – your husband has realized that God is real and that the only explanation for his existence on this earth is that he was created; he has now formed a relationship with God whom he views as his creator – so in response you are contemplating turning your back on your Husband – is this correct?

Why is your response not – wow, you actually believe – I sure wish I could – for some reason I cannot even bring myself to think about the possibility that a God exists and prefer to just believe that we are here on this earth by chance. I sure wish I could believe because then we could both worship God the Creator together. To me – this would be the response of a wife who loves and respects her husband and wants to be his partner until the end. Or, are you just his partner as long as he believes as you think he should believe? Kind of like – you’re in charge kind of thing – or “my way or the highway.” Is it that painful to actually support your husband and go to Church with him – are the people that are there that repulsive? If so – you may want to search real deep and ask yourself why you feel this way.

But, your response is what – Jealousy? Rejection? Insecurity? Doubt? What is it? Maybe you understand that your Husband just might expect that his wife submit to him? Scary?? Maybe your husband may want to actually give money to his Church – big problem??

So, you expect your husband to stop believing? Or, just stop going to Church and Lie to you and say he really does not believe so that the above feelings go away – Jealousy, Rejection, Insecurity, Doubt that is. You HATE the idea of God that much?

The sound of your post makes it seem as though your husband has contracted aids or something - when the fact is - there is over a billion of people in the world just like you're husband who believe that God is real. If you're in the US - the majority (9 in 10) believe in God - so who is the one who may need to rethink here?

I have seen this by the way - one of my Great Grandfathers was an atheist and his wife was a Christian - he loved her and still went to Church to be with her - as far as I know - he never believed right to the end - even after she died - but, I guess I will never know what was in his heart when that happened - I was only about 8 years old at the time and he died two years later. They where married for for over 55 years - and were happy.

By the way - prayer is very powerful - and God does answer prayers just like what happened to your husband - I think your husband probably has a few more payers that he has placed in the Lords lap and he is still waiting for the response - I hope he get what he asked for - I think I am going to say a prayer myself.

If there is a God - I know that He loves you.
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