Hello everyone, this is my first post, I'm just wanting some advice and counsel from Christian people who love God and love the Bible!!! I am actually very upset about what's going on and I am really desperate for guidance!
I have been a Christian my whole life, from a pastor's family, all my spiritual fathers/mothers are basically related to me (in my uncle's church right now), so all the spiritual leaders I could ask for help...it's just too awkward: uncle, aunt, mother, father....or their friends. My family wasn't perfect but my parents are very Godly people, and I appreciate and honor them greatly, and I thank God for them every day!
I have been married just under one month to a Christian like me, except he has only been walking with God for a few years, he also came from a non-Christian, abusive family (drugs, alcohol, etc.), so our family backgrounds are very different - which may explain some problems we are having.
He was a rebellious teenager, with drug and alcohol abuse, previous sexual partners, and he had a serious conversion experience and is really running hard after God now, it's one of the things that I love about him, his passion for Jesus. As for me, I honored my parents, was in church, mission work, etc. (my struggles have been more "church people" problems, like fear, struggles with religion over God's love and grace, etc.). I have never had any sexual partners, in fact my husband is the only person I have ever kissed, the only boy I've actually dated!
I currently feel really disillusioned with my marriage, and I feel really hopeless right now because of some things that have been going on. I'll try to explain well, but if any of you need more information in order to help me, please just ask.
1. My husband doesn't really want to have sex, at least not as much as I do (I would like to have sex at least once a day, because I like it, I just got married, and I have never had any of this before, and I feel closer to my husband when that's happening). I feel like I am always initiating and being rejected which makes me feel unloved and undesirable. We tend to have sex every few days, but it's short and unsatisfying and there isn't any passion on his part (I am a very passionate and loving person, always have been, one of my love languages is touch). He blames me for not being satisfied, saying that I don't want to finish, but he's also admitted he says this because he feels inadequate, even though I try to be sensitive. It's not really the quality I'm worried about, it's the quantity, and I know it will get better over time anyway. My husband grew up with a controlling mother and he tends to act in passive aggressive ways, but I don't feel that I am controlling or nagging him (though he would probably say I nagg him for sex, but I really don't know how else to ask, often I have tried to initiate and he says "I'm going to bed", or something like that, it hurts that I'm like the guy and he's the tired house wife, it really does.) [If I should go into more detail, and post in the sex section of the forum just let me know]. This has all ended with my husband saying that I only married him for sex, and that I need to stop asking, and that marriage is more than this. I know all that, and I have told him many times all the reasons I love him and married him. But, I really don't feel like my needs are being met at all, and when I bring up the issue he belittles it, gets angry, or blames me. Which leads into #2...
2. My husband is usually very nice and kind, but when he is upset he can be very mean (which he knows and is sorry for), he will say mean and hurtful things (specific things he knows are harmful) to make me feel bad because he's upset or angry. He always apologizes later, but it's really damaging to me psychologically. I never say mean things like that to him, and I don't retaliate in anger when he's like this. I actually just stay silent and cry, and I'll be depressed for a while afterwards, then he apologizes. But the wounds are still there and then I wonder if he's really sorry and if he really thinks those things - it's very damaging. He has said things like, "why don't you just go back to your parents, they'll take care of you", "you don't have any friends", "I'll just be single, and not have to answer to anyone anymore"....many of these things make me feel that he doesn't love me, and that he regrets marrying me, and that he's going to leave me.
3. For anyone who knows, we are both charismatic Christians (similar and connected to the IHOP movement), and we both love God a lot and want to serve him our whole lives in ministry. But, since getting married, I have felt that my husband feels he is more "godly" than me, he actually said once that he doesn't feel equally yoked with me (as in he's more desperate for God, he wants to pray more, fast more, etc.). This is very hurtful to me because it's not true, and I feel that my faith and love of God is being questioned all the time...I really don't know what to do about this, and it seems so silly to me too, because I have been faithfully serving God for two decades, through thick and thin, and he's all new and fiery and thinks that I don't really love God. I am just a quiet person, and I have a lot of faith in God, which isn't something you just see like someone praying loudly and singing all the time....we are just different.
I really feel that all these problems are connected and I am not sure what I should do to fix them, because divorce is not an option to me, I made a covenant before God and I'm not breaking that for anything. At the same time I don't want to be miserable, and to shut up about how I'm feeling just to not rock the boat, to pretend everything is fine. I feel so sad about all this because we haven't even been married one month, it's like we never had a honeymoon period at all. I'm really down hearted. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
I also grew up in the church, and now relate to the more charismatic traditions of Christianity. My husband is the same as me.. we both grew up with God in our lives, never had sex until we married each other.. but we still fought a lot when we first moved in together! I think it was rather shocking to both of us at how much we argued, and sometimes it got really bad, but we always managed to work through it, and now it seems we've evened out, and are much better at living together and compromising about everyday stuff than before. So I think you have to remember there is usually a time when couples first move in together that they have to work harder at keeping the peace.. two adults combining lives is not always so easy! So you can work it out if you want to.
But here's the catch.. your husband has to want to as well. You cannot fix your marital problems alone. Your husband has to put in 100% effort as well as you (so you'll wind up with 200% invested, and it'll be much easier to figure things out).
As for your number 2 point, I can relate somewhat. I am a Highly sensitive person, and since taking birth control, I got more emotional than I was before. So when my husband and I moved in together, I might be crying about something, and he wouldn't know how to handle it, so he'd leave me alone, which made me feel worse. He still doesn't really know how to react when I'm upset, but he does try, and when I ask him outright what to do, he does it. For example, I was really upset and feeling pretty insecure about myself, and I asked him to tell me some good things about me, so I wasn't feeling so dark. He immediately said, "well here are the bad things.." I stopped him right there and said that will make me feel worse, what I need right now is for you to help cheer me up." and he did. But I needed to directly tell him exactly what I needed, because he wouldn't or couldn't do it on his own. So while I'd love to have him do these things spontaneously, I know that we're just beginning our journey (one year anniversary coming up in a month), and maybe by year 50 he'll be able to do it spontaneously. Both of us know and remind each other that we can't immediately change our habits on the turn of a dime for the benefit of the other person, it's a learning curve, so I have to be okay with telling him exactly what I need rather than waiting for him to do it. I'd be waiting forever!
But abuse has no place in the marriage. If his words hurt you, tell him to stop, because of how they make you feel. Be very direct and firm, and if he keeps using the language that hurts you, leave the room, or go out to a mall or something to get away from it. And if he really doesn't get it and stop using that language that hurts you, more drastic measures may have to be taken, like counselling so he hears it from a third person, or what. It's up to you to decide where your boundaries are the consequences for breaking the boundaries.
I kind of get the impression that your husband has been acting this was because of his pride. And that is something no one can change but your husband. People/God can try to influence him to change, but he won't change unless he really has the desire to.
People say that "God is in control", but I don't believe God micromanages the world. He lets us live with the consequences of our sin and the influences of the spiritual world -- both good and bad. We have to own our choices and our sins, and God can help is along the way, but not usually the way people think.
If you want to talk more about this, feel free to send me a PM.