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post #31 of 40 (permalink) Old 01-31-2015, 11:45 PM
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Re: Husband's female friend

Sounds to me like you don't like her because you don't like your husband being friends with someone who is a) a woman and b) his ex. It doesn't actually have a whole lot to do with her pushiness. She just makes you uncomfortable.

But ignoring that: Seeing as you've already told your husband how you feel about his friend, I think the best thing you can do is just grin and bear it. If you really can't stand her, just spend less time with her. If your husband is invited out for dinner, play the sick card. Whatever!

Just remember, there is a reason why your husband has remained friends with her throughout this time. He obviously sees value in her company. Just because you don't like her behavior does not necessarily mean he feels the same - no two people are exactly alike, his taste in companions is obviously going to be different to yours.

This opinion might be unpopular because I see most people here are also not okay with their spouses having opposite sex friends. I think that's BS, to be honest. As someone with a bisexual husband, if I said "you can't be friends with anyone you might possibly ever be attracted to", he wouldn't HAVE any friends!

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post #32 of 40 (permalink) Old 02-01-2015, 02:23 AM
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Re: Husband's female friend

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Originally Posted by batsociety View Post
Sounds to me like you don't like her because you don't like your husband being friends with someone who is a) a woman and b) his ex. It doesn't actually have a whole lot to do with her pushiness. She just makes you uncomfortable. The "friend's" pushiness is what makes her fell uncomfortable. So yes, the pushiness is an important part of why this woman is unacceptable.

But ignoring that (so why bring it up then?): Seeing as you've already told your husband how you feel about his friend, I think the best thing you can do is just grin and bear it. If you really can't stand her, just spend less time with her. If your husband is invited out for dinner, play the sick card. Whatever!

Just remember, there is a reason why your husband has remained friends with her throughout this time. He obviously sees value in her company. People seem to default to this belief. However, when I told my (future) husband that if his "friend" needed to stay in his life, then I would start dating other men. He immediately dropped her. Which kind of says to me, for all his calling her a "great friend" and his "only friend in London" (where he had been living for the past 18 months), "the value that she was supplying him" was not great enough to sustain the loss of me.

But had I been taking advice from you and following it, perhaps my life would be vastly different from what it is now.




Just because you don't like her behavior does not necessarily mean he feels the same OTOH, if the husband has to contemplate what life would be like without a partner while holding on to some friendship in which he is the junior party, he may have a whole new way of looking at her. "Cake eating" can occur with inappropriate friendships as much as it can with full on sexual affairs. Sometimes giving a partner a view as to what life could look like will make them snap out of it and make changes. - no two people are exactly alike, his taste in companions is obviously going to be different to yours.

This opinion might be unpopular because I see most people here are also not okay with their spouses having opposite sex friends. I think that's BS, to be honest. As you said above, no two people are alike. So it's only BS to you. As someone with a bisexual husband, if I said "you can't be friends with anyone you might possibly ever be attracted to", he wouldn't HAVE any friends! I would not have a bisexual husband for the reason that you stated. And if you had problems in your marriage as a result of his being bisexual, I would have to be honest and say that I cannot help you. Too bad, you could not show the same humility here.
^^^^
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post #33 of 40 (permalink) Old 02-01-2015, 03:25 AM
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Re: Husband's female friend

I think you're more upset with the fact that he is still in contact with his ex girlfriend. If he isn't cheating, or giving any reason for you not to trust him, stay out of it. Nothing she said was pushy or overbearing at all.

If you can't deal with this arrangement they have, then probably best to leave.
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post #34 of 40 (permalink) Old 02-01-2015, 06:18 AM
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Re: Husband's female friend

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Originally Posted by NextTimeAround View Post
People seem to default to this belief. However, when I told my (future) husband that if his "friend" needed to stay in his life, then I would start dating other men. He immediately dropped her. Which kind of says to me, for all his calling her a "great friend" and his "only friend in London" (where he had been living for the past 18 months), "the value that she was supplying him" was not great enough to sustain the loss of me.

But had I been taking advice from you and following it, perhaps my life would be vastly different from what it is now.
You should not have given him that ultimatum.

But there's a difference between you and the OP. You told your husband that you weren't comfortable with his friend at the beginning of your relationship(presumably), definitely before you were married. And she had only been in his life for just over a year.

As far as I know, OP has never told her husband "it's her or me". She's expressed that she doesn't like his female friend, but she didn't make him choose like you did (if she had, her life also might have been very different).

Plus, OP's husband has been friends with this woman since the mid '90s. When I hear this, I think about my own life at that time - I met my husband then, I met a lot of friends in high school and college who are still my friends today, I had my first two children. It's +/- 20 years, and that is a LONG time. I can't imagine losing any of those friends now, they have all become such an important part of my life. It would be a lot to ask of someone to throw that away, especially when the only problem seems to be a clash in personalities.

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Originally Posted by NextTimeAround View Post
As you said above, no two people are alike. So it's only BS to you.
That's true, but I was not implying that my opinion was the same as everyone else's, nor was I implying that it should be.


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Originally Posted by NextTimeAround View Post
I would not have a bisexual husband for the reason that you stated. And if you had problems in your marriage as a result of his being bisexual, I would have to be honest and say that I cannot help you. Too bad, you could not show the same humility here.
But let's be honest, the reason people have a problem with this kind of thing is because of their own jealousy and insecurity, and a lack of trust in their partner. It indicates a much deeper problem buried in their relationship. The apparent issue with the opposite (or same) sex friend is just the tip of the iceberg.
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post #35 of 40 (permalink) Old 02-10-2015, 12:49 PM
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Re: Husband's female friend

If you aren't close friends with her, then you shouldn't say anything directly. She probably has been pushy all pf her life, and will be until her last days. If that annoy's you, I would suggest finding a better way to cope with it. She seems to be one of your husbands close friends, so she will be around. Sometimes it is easier to accept another person's disagreeably behavior by remembering that we are all faulty, and should not be too harsh with our judgments.
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post #36 of 40 (permalink) Old 02-25-2015, 11:28 PM
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Re: Husband's female friend

If she's not your cup of tea then she's not his cup of tea. That's marriage and respect for your spouse.
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post #37 of 40 (permalink) Old 05-16-2015, 01:27 PM
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Re: Husband's female friend

She's his friend. He ought to know how to interact and with whom. Why do you want to control his choices?

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Originally Posted by spunkycat08 View Post
I could use some advice concerning my husband's female friend.

The two of them have been friends since the mid 1990's. At one point, they briefly dated. They realized that dating each other was not working, and so they chose to remain friends.

His female friend is opinionated and outspoken.

She is currently in a dating relationship with a male friend of his. The two of them have been dating each other off and on since the mid 1990's.

All 4 of us either go out to dinner or have dinner at her boyfriend's place *my husband's male friend* .

There have been times when he would bring up stuff during conversation such as...
  • his doctor wants him to watch what he eats... especially fatty food and fried food
  • he wants to begin saving money, but he also likes to spend money on things for himself, which frustrates me.
Her replies are this....
  • It is ok to eat fatty food and fried food, just do it moderately
  • There is no harm in spending money on yourself. It is no big deal once in a while

Last Sunday all 4 of us went to the church that my husband, his male friend, and I attend. One the way home, my husband's female friend told her boyfriend the following.
  • you need to go to church on Wednesday nights
  • you need to get out more
  • you need to make more friends. Church is a good place to meet people
  • I am telling you, you need to go to church on Wednesday nights
  • You need to attend bible study
He boyfriend was quiet during the entire exchange.

Does she come across as pushy?
Does she come across as overbearing?

What is a good way to co-exist with her?
How do you approach someone like this... especially when your husband is a friend of hers?
Who should approach her?
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post #38 of 40 (permalink) Old 05-18-2015, 03:57 AM
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They dated and said it did not work out between them(probably her out spoken attitude hubby did not care for). The way you told it there is an issue between hubby and old girl that did not make for compatible mate situation.

Old GF is now seeing husbands male friend. I do not see where its right to tell hubby he can not be friends with the guy friend because his ex gf is dating his friend and is outspoken and opinionated.

Quit going out with them so much and limit your interaction with her. She acts like my mother which I do not like that behavior....but I'm not going to not see my dad because I may not like the way my mom acts. I have a lot less contact with my mother than I do my dad.
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post #39 of 40 (permalink) Old 03-30-2016, 01:13 PM
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Re: Husband's female friend

Maybe it isn't so much her pushiness with her bf that bothers you, but really what bothers you, is that she dated your husband at one point. And he is still 'pals' with her. And you feel forced for lack of a better word, to be friends with her, too. Just my take away from it.

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post #40 of 40 (permalink) Old 03-30-2016, 01:41 PM
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Re: Husband's female friend

Zombie thread


"A healthy choice to enforce boundaries by walking away from a dysfunctional relationship has more to do with recognizing the likeliest outcomes than with wanting to punish or retaliate against one's wayward spouse."

-TAM member Moxy
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