Husband's female friend - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 40 (permalink) Old 01-20-2015, 05:28 PM Thread Starter
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Husband's female friend

I could use some advice concerning my husband's female friend.

The two of them have been friends since the mid 1990's. At one point, they briefly dated. They realized that dating each other was not working, and so they chose to remain friends.

His female friend is opinionated and outspoken.

She is currently in a dating relationship with a male friend of his. The two of them have been dating each other off and on since the mid 1990's.

All 4 of us either go out to dinner or have dinner at her boyfriend's place *my husband's male friend* .

There have been times when he would bring up stuff during conversation such as...
  • his doctor wants him to watch what he eats... especially fatty food and fried food
  • he wants to begin saving money, but he also likes to spend money on things for himself, which frustrates me.
Her replies are this....
  • It is ok to eat fatty food and fried food, just do it moderately
  • There is no harm in spending money on yourself. It is no big deal once in a while

Last Sunday all 4 of us went to the church that my husband, his male friend, and I attend. One the way home, my husband's female friend told her boyfriend the following.
  • you need to go to church on Wednesday nights
  • you need to get out more
  • you need to make more friends. Church is a good place to meet people
  • I am telling you, you need to go to church on Wednesday nights
  • You need to attend bible study
He boyfriend was quiet during the entire exchange.

Does she come across as pushy?
Does she come across as overbearing?

What is a good way to co-exist with her?
How do you approach someone like this... especially when your husband is a friend of hers?
Who should approach her?

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post #2 of 40 (permalink) Old 01-21-2015, 01:36 AM
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Re: Husband's female friend

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Originally Posted by spunkycat08 View Post
I could use some advice concerning my husband's female friend.

The two of them have been friends since the mid 1990's. At one point, they briefly dated. They realized that dating each other was not working, and so they chose to remain friends.

His female friend is opinionated and outspoken.

She is currently in a dating relationship with a male friend of his. The two of them have been dating each other off and on since the mid 1990's.

All 4 of us either go out to dinner or have dinner at her boyfriend's place *my husband's male friend* .

There have been times when he would bring up stuff during conversation such as...
  • his doctor wants him to watch what he eats... especially fatty food and fried food
  • he wants to begin saving money, but he also likes to spend money on things for himself, which frustrates me.
Her replies are this....
  • It is ok to eat fatty food and fried food, just do it moderately
  • There is no harm in spending money on yourself. It is no big deal once in a while

Last Sunday all 4 of us went to the church that my husband, his male friend, and I attend. One the way home, my husband's female friend told her boyfriend the following.
  • you need to go to church on Wednesday nights
  • you need to get out more
  • you need to make more friends. Church is a good place to meet people
  • I am telling you, you need to go to church on Wednesday nights
  • You need to attend bible study
He boyfriend was quiet during the entire exchange.

Does she come across as pushy?
Does she come across as overbearing?

What is a good way to co-exist with her?
How do you approach someone like this... especially when your husband is a friend of hers?
Who should approach her?
What are you concerned about in these things that you stated about your husband's friends?
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post #3 of 40 (permalink) Old 01-21-2015, 04:55 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband's female friend

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Originally Posted by Pooh Bear View Post
What are you concerned about in these things that you stated about your husband's friends?
I do not like dealing with pushy behavior as well as over bearing behavior.

I am trying to figure out if her behavior could be considered pushy or over bearing, and if so, how to best deal with it.
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post #4 of 40 (permalink) Old 01-21-2015, 04:59 PM
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Re: Husband's female friend

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Originally Posted by spunkycat08 View Post
I do not like dealing with pushy behavior as well as over bearing behavior.

I am trying to figure out if her behavior could be considered pushy or over bearing, and if so, how to best deal with it.
Well, I have no problem with the content of what she's saying (I agree with her actually) but I'm not present for the attitude with which she says it so I'm probably missing something.

As far as love...the only thing you will regret in life is the risks you never took.
-mineforever
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post #5 of 40 (permalink) Old 01-21-2015, 05:03 PM
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Re: Husband's female friend

You should keep your nose out of their business and ignore her comments. If you want to do anything, suggest her husband send his (male) friend here, and we'll wise him up. Or he could suggest "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and "Married Man's Sex Life Primer" (two books).

C
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post #6 of 40 (permalink) Old 01-21-2015, 05:15 PM
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Re: Husband's female friend

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Originally Posted by spunkycat08 View Post
I do not like dealing with pushy behavior as well as over bearing behavior.

I am trying to figure out if her behavior could be considered pushy or over bearing, and if so, how to best deal with it.
Has she ever not respected your boundaries or attempted to push you into something you don't want to do? The one example you gave may be something he agreed with her on which may be why he didn't say anything. You do not really know the details of their relationship. If she were to abuse him, that would make me uncomfortable too. If she abusive and disrespectful of people's boundaries or is she just outspoken?
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post #7 of 40 (permalink) Old 01-21-2015, 05:22 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband's female friend

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Originally Posted by PBear View Post
You should keep your nose out of their business and ignore her comments. If you want to do anything, suggest her husband send his (male) friend here, and we'll wise him up. Or he could suggest "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and "Married Man's Sex Life Primer" (two books).

C
PBear:

Are you telling me to keep my nose out of my husband's male friend and his female friend's business?

I am just stating what has happened.

Your reply is confusing to me.
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post #8 of 40 (permalink) Old 01-21-2015, 05:24 PM
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Re: Husband's female friend

Yes, keep your nose out of their relationship.

C
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post #9 of 40 (permalink) Old 01-21-2015, 05:32 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband's female friend

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Yes, keep your nose out of their relationship.

C
OK.

PBear...

Exactly where in my post does it indicate that I am sticking my nose into their relationship?

The post is about her behavior and what she has said and done.

Exactly why did you post that I need to keep my nose out of their relationship?

This post is about her behavior and how to deal with it regarding our marriage.
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post #10 of 40 (permalink) Old 01-21-2015, 06:06 PM
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Re: Husband's female friend

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OK.

PBear...

Exactly where in my post does it indicate that I am sticking my nose into their relationship?

The post is about her behavior and what she has said and done.

Exactly why did you post that I need to keep my nose out of their relationship?

This post is about her behavior and how to deal with it regarding our marriage.
You want (or want someone else) to "approach" her, presumably for her comments which you feel are pushy and overbearing. Her comments (from what I can tell in your original post) are directed at her boyfriend. Therefore, that's THEIR relationship, and you should (IMHO) stay out of it. If he (the boyfriend) doesn't like being treated like a child while out in public, then he (the boyfriend) should tell her to zip it. You trying to "approach" her is sticking your nose in their business.

If you and your husband are uncomfortable being stuck in the middle, don't hang out with them any more. If either of them ask why you don't do things together any more, tell them that you're uncomfortable with their dynamic (parent/child), and prefer to hang out with two grownups. Or something to that effect.

C

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post #11 of 40 (permalink) Old 01-21-2015, 06:15 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband's female friend

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Originally Posted by Pooh Bear View Post
Has she ever not respected your boundaries or attempted to push you into something you don't want to do? The one example you gave may be something he agreed with her on which may be why he didn't say anything. You do not really know the details of their relationship. If she were to abuse him, that would make me uncomfortable too. If she abusive and disrespectful of people's boundaries or is she just outspoken?
Ok.

Seems like I need to clarify things...

This post is regarding how to deal with her behavior concerning our marriage.

I just gave examples of what she is like.

I am not interested in getting in the middle of her relationship with her boyfriend.

When my husband and I were in a serious dating relationship, she sent him a text letting him know that she wanted him to come over to her place to 1) hang stuff from her ceiling, 2) have dinner with her at her place, 3) watch t.v. or a movie, 4) stay up late talking, 5) spend the night at her place on her couch while she slept in her bed and 6) go out for breakfast the following morning.

She already knew that the two of us were in a serious dating relationship. The 4 of us would hang out at her place or go out for dinner. She was only friends with my husband's male friend at this time.

I let my husband *who was my boyfriend at that time*that I did not feel comfortable with the entire situation. He let her know how I felt. She insisted that this was not a date, but I just did not feel comfortable about the entire situation. He let her know that he could not come over. She chose not to speak to him for several months.

I am trying to figure out if she could be considered to be a pushy person based on what I have already mentioned as well as what I mentioned in this reply, and the best way to deal with her behavior concerning our marriage.
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post #12 of 40 (permalink) Old 01-21-2015, 06:25 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband's female friend

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Originally Posted by PBear View Post
You want (or want someone else) to "approach" her, presumably for her comments which you feel are pushy and overbearing. Her comments (from what I can tell in your original post) are directed at her boyfriend. Therefore, that's THEIR relationship, and you should (IMHO) stay out of it. If he (the boyfriend) doesn't like being treated like a child while out in public, then he (the boyfriend) should tell her to zip it. You trying to "approach" her is sticking your nose in their business.

If you and your husband are uncomfortable being stuck in the middle, don't hang out with them any more. If either of them ask why you don't do things together any more, tell them that you're uncomfortable with their dynamic (parent/child), and prefer to hang out with two grownups. Or something to that effect.

C
PBear:

I do not want to stick my nose into anyone's business.

This post is about her comments directed toward my husband and me. I guess you could say that she is acting like a parent towards my husband and me. I do not like that behavior.

I just gave examples of how she acts so I could figure out if she is pushy or over bearing, and if so, how to proceed regarding her comments directed toward my husband and me.

I do not want to approach her regarding her relationship with her male friend.

I want to approach her regarding her friendship with the two of us.
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post #13 of 40 (permalink) Old 01-21-2015, 06:30 PM
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Re: Husband's female friend

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PBear:

I do not want to stick my nose into anyone's business.

This post is about her comments directed toward my husband and me. I guess you could say that she is acting like a parent towards my husband and me. I do not like that behavior.

I just gave examples of how she acts so I could figure out if she is pushy or over bearing, and if so, how to proceed regarding her comments directed toward my husband and me.

I do not want to approach her regarding her relationship with her male friend.

I want to approach her regarding her friendship with the two of us.
Sorry to be dense, but more clarification is needed (for me). What do her actions years ago when you and your husband (then boyfriend) have to do with how she treats you and your husband now? How does the way she treats her boyfriend have anything to do with how she treats the two of you now?

In other words... What actions that she's doing NOW are you thinking you need to change?

C
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post #14 of 40 (permalink) Old 01-21-2015, 06:34 PM
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Re: Husband's female friend

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Ok.

Seems like I need to clarify things...

This post is regarding how to deal with her behavior concerning our marriage.

I just gave examples of what she is like.

I am not interested in getting in the middle of her relationship with her boyfriend.

When my husband and I were in a serious dating relationship, she sent him a text letting him know that she wanted him to come over to her place to 1) hang stuff from her ceiling, 2) have dinner with her at her place, 3) watch t.v. or a movie, 4) stay up late talking, 5) spend the night at her place on her couch while she slept in her bed and 6) go out for breakfast the following morning.

She already knew that the two of us were in a serious dating relationship. The 4 of us would hang out at her place or go out for dinner. She was only friends with my husband's male friend at this time.

I let my husband *who was my boyfriend at that time*that I did not feel comfortable with the entire situation. He let her know how I felt. She insisted that this was not a date, but I just did not feel comfortable about the entire situation. He let her know that he could not come over. She chose not to speak to him for several months.

I am trying to figure out if she could be considered to be a pushy person based on what I have already mentioned as well as what I mentioned in this reply, and the best way to deal with her behavior concerning our marriage.
I see. So you guys have known her for a while and she basically propositioned your boyfriend, now husband, while you were dating. And she knew you were dating. I can see why you would feel uncomfortable then. The interaction between her current boyfriend and her are between them. It sounds like you are angry with her for some past stuff. I mean, do you feel like you can trust your husband with her? Are you afraid she is going to convince him to have an affair with her? Have you talked with your husband? It is important to your relationship to feel like you can trust your husband. If that is an issue, it should be dealt with. So no matter what setting you are in, you can trust him and it doesn't matter what she does. But if you are truly uncomfortable with her because of past behavior maybe you should just refrain from going anywhere with them.
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post #15 of 40 (permalink) Old 01-21-2015, 06:44 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband's female friend

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I see. So you guys have known her for a while and she basically propositioned your boyfriend, now husband, while you were dating. And she knew you were dating. I can see why you would feel uncomfortable then. The interaction between her current boyfriend and her are between them. It sounds like you are angry with her for some past stuff. I mean, do you feel like you can trust your husband with her? Are you afraid she is going to convince him to have an affair with her? Have you talked with your husband? It is important to your relationship to feel like you can trust your husband. If that is an issue, it should be dealt with. So no matter what setting you are in, you can trust him and it doesn't matter what she does. But if you are truly uncomfortable with her because of past behavior maybe you should just refrain from going anywhere with them.
I do trust my husband.

I felt that her behavior was pushy back then.

Yes, I have spoken with my husband. He knows how I feel about her. Her pushiness gets on my nerves.

What I mentioned is an example of her pushiness.
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