Unstable marriage - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 5 (permalink) Old 05-08-2011, 11:50 PM Thread Starter
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Unstable marriage

I have been married almost 10 years. A little bit about me - I am a moody person. I don't deny it. I have always been moody. I dont' know why, and it bothers me, but I am... I am also a loner. Always have been. That doesn't bother me. I am a horrible communicator. I know what I want to say and how to say it. I just don't. I don't know why, but it is a scary thing for me to be vunerable and let people know how I feel.

My husband and I are complete opposites. He is a very social. Sometimes a little too social. Not the going out with people socializing. He just talks to people about anything (politically correct or not). He is a computer guy, so by nature of his profession, he is on the computer a lot. In college, he stayed up late at night, on the computer, playing video games, and studying - all normal for a college student. However, for the 10 years we have been married, he has continued this. When we first got married, he would stay up all night on the computer. I would go to bed and he was on it, and I would wake up and he was on it. I told myself that this was ok, because he did this all the time in college. Over the years, it got worse. He would be on the video games from 6 pm when I got home from work, and some mornings he would be on at 5 am when I got up the next morning. He claimed that at that time, he would go back and forth between the game and the computer. In his defense, he used to work a 14 hour shift overnights on Sat, Sun, Mon nights. So there was a time that his body was used to being up all night. After doing that for a while, he worked that job plus a 9-5 on Mon-Fridays. That was enough to take a toll on the relationship, because he was working when we were home, and home when we were working. I worried about his health all the time because he wouldn't sleep when he got home from work. I know I nagged him a lot too.

I have seen some questionable things on his computer. I know it is wrong, and I have wanted to stop snooping, but it has been very hard. I do not have any proof that he has cheated on me. But I have this fear that is overtaking at times that he has/will - both because of my past and some of my insecurities (my father left my mother homeless to care for my brother and I to be with another woman). So whenever I feel suspicious, I start wondering why he spends so much time on the computer (translation - I invade his privacy and snoop). I do know that I should just ask about it, but then I close up and say mean things that make matters worse until there is a blow up.

He is always on the computer. There are times he comes to bed when I am getting up for work, or a few minutes before the alarm goes off. I get angry and just get out of bed. I think what makes me mad is that he comes to bed clearly aroused and wants to bother me at all hours. I feel like a w h ore. I'm good enough to have sex with but not good enough that you can come to bed, just to be there with me???? Because of my moodiness and poor communciation, I usually decide to not talk about it and it festers. But I am at a point where I feel overwhelmed. It is to a point that we are fighting every week. We may make up and for a day or two it is ok, but then he spends the night in his office and I am back mad and angry again. I definitely give him all the credit for trying to understand me, and i don't make it easy with the poor communicaition. I'm tired of the fighting, and I know he is too, but his way of dealing with it is to go into his office. It is a vicious cycle.

I never thought I would post anything else in a forum, especially about marriage, since I feel these forums are part of why my marriage is troubled. He is always on a forum about something - video games, bodybuilding, religion. I guess I'm wondering if I'm just being moody and difficult, or should I be concerned? I am tired of being like this, but I am also tired of him coming to bed aroused. I feel like I am just there to fulfull some fantasy he has seen online.

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post #2 of 5 (permalink) Old 05-09-2011, 02:46 PM
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Re: Unstable marriage

First - take a deep breath (= Second, take things one step at a time. I recommend this first:

Personality type quiz

After you get a result from there, research it a bit on the web - it will give you some insight into how you interact with people, maybe even help you feel a bit less stressed over 'what kind of person you are'. After that - pretend you are your hubby and do the same thing for him.

Next - keep this in mind: the basis of your marriage is commitment. You and your hubby have committed to one another, which means that you are pledged to do all you can for the other - the definition of love is 'acting in a way that is best for someone.'

With that in mind, ask yourself how you and your husband are actually loving one another. I'm not talking about the emotion of like, or affection, etc. I'm talking about love.

When you understand this, it is possible to move on to what you need to be doing.

Next: you write:

I know it is wrong, and I have wanted to stop snooping, but it has been very hard.
Why is this wrong? Who made that law? You call it 'invading his privacy'. What does a husband need to keep private from his wife? What does a wife need to keep private from their husband? Certainly secrets are useful - planning a great birthday party? Want some privacy in the bathroom? But - note that a marriage makes a couple 'one' ("...they become one flesh..." Gen 2:24). What your husband does is yours and what you do is his. If this can't be accepted, then your marriage is in trouble - if you should be married at all!

Communication is key. You point out that this is an area where you have difficulty. That is a good thing to note - as long as it is not used as an excuse to avoid communication. Communication is a skill, not an inborn talent. It is something that takes some learning, work and practice. It is also the key to changing the direction of your marriage: it is headed for a cliff. It won't survive the fall.

So are you willing to do what it takes? It is up to YOU to start the process - and it will be your husband's choice whether to come along or not - but one of you must take the first step - and right now, it sounds like your husband is busy elsewhere.

There is a lot of great help on this forum - and also many differing views. This is both a good and an evil - discretion is necessary. You post on the 'Spirituality' section - this means that you are looking for spiritual answers. Are you a Christian, or are you simply 'spiritual'? While the approaches are similar, there are also some differences.
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post #3 of 5 (permalink) Old 05-12-2011, 08:19 AM
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Lightbulb Re: Unstable marriage

To the missing urstruly, et al.

YouTube - THE BEATLES Remasters! /// 2. Norwegian Wood - (RUBBER SOUL) - (MONO Remastered 2009)

inspired by "...this bird has flown..."

could use this line/song for many "flown" individ 'round here.

still..........shalom aleichem.
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post #4 of 5 (permalink) Old 05-14-2011, 08:54 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Unstable marriage

Tanelornpete - - Thanks for the reply. I took the personality quiz. It was spot on. I am still researching the information from it, but I'm confident it will be helpful.

Hubby and I are at least talking about the issue. The next morning after writing this post we had a huge blowup, and I threatened to not ever sleep in our bed again. He asked me later me to meet him for lunch. We both acknowledge that there are issues we each need to deal with (his late nights and my reactions to issues). One of the things he said was there were things he could work on immediately (not coming to bed at all) and he has worked extra hard this week to come to bed at a time that is reasonable. That helped me know it wasn't just lip service. Honestly, deep down inside, I wonder how long it will last. But I am taking it day by day, and thankful that he is making the effort. We are working on communication every day - during our lunch a lot of miscommunication and misunderstanding was brought up (for example my threat was interpreted by him as me not coming home that night.) I am Christian, which is why I posted here (sorry that wasn't made clear). Your response was most helpful.

CB45 - - I really don't understand the context of your post. I didn't click the link (I'm a little wary of links), but could you please let me know what you meant?
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post #5 of 5 (permalink) Old 05-16-2011, 02:22 PM
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Re: Unstable marriage

Tanelornpete - - Thanks for the reply. I took the personality quiz. It was spot on. I am still researching the information from it, but I'm confident it will be helpful.

Hubby and I are at least talking about the issue.
This is great news! There is a lot of hope for your marriage (and I am assuming that both you and your husband are both Christian, which means even more hope!) It is my firm belief that a Christian marriage is the easiest to save, because we have the Great Physician to bring about the healing needed.

Here are two more relevant quizzes that will really get things heading the right direction. We have some other, much more in-depth questionnaires on our own website - but these are really great to get things started, and later, if you want to go into more detail, you could work through ours:

First one is the Emotional Needs questionnaire

Second one is the Love Busters questionnaire

Print two copies of each, and then each one of you fill them out separately - then come back together, pray, and then talk them over. I'd suggest doing the emotional needs one first, then wait a couple of days and do the Love Busters one.

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