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post #31 of 37 (permalink) Old 05-18-2015, 03:24 AM
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FWIW....JMHO

The way he acts, I do not believe he is saved.

Separate from the abuse and if the non-believing spouse wants to divorce, the bible says to "let them go, you are free" and you can re-marry.

If the other spouse decides to get a GF/BF and commits adultery...
there is your grounds...you are free and can remarry.

If they see the error of their ways, are repentant and asks for your forgiveness....you are called to try to reconcile....you are not free to divorce him and remarry.

But I do not see his behavior as someone who would choose that route.

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post #32 of 37 (permalink) Old 05-21-2015, 10:07 PM
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Re: Christian contemplating divorce

1. God hates divorce and he requires commitment. Marriage is a union of two individuals who make a commitment/covenant to spend their life together and meet each other's needs. If one of the partners did not enter marriage with this frame or mind one has to wonder if it is a true marriage. God sees our hearts and is a witness to marriages from creation. He knows our hearts and knows when a marriage act meets his design.

2. God hates divorce but he does not require us to maintain a façade of a marriage under false pretext. A spouse may still be in the house physically but if their heart is not in the relationship they are absent from the relationship. We are to love as Christ loves the church. Christ will reach out to us for so long when we step out of line but at some time he pulls back and lets us suffer the consequences of our conduct (tough love). He does not coerce or beg for obedience. He simply requires it. If a spouse will not live up to their marital commitments the other spouse could separate (not divorce) from the relationship and let the offender suffer the consequences of their behavior. When the Israelites continued in their disobedience God declared his covenant with them as void; voided due to their disobedience and failure to live up to the spirit of the covenant.
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post #33 of 37 (permalink) Old 09-11-2015, 02:37 AM
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Re: Christian contemplating divorce

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Originally Posted by Frostingswirls View Post
But God hates divorce, right? Over 20 yrs ago I promised to love this man in sickness and health - for richer for poorer etc. you get it. Well three months after wedding he told me he was never sexually attracted to me. He despise kissing. Finds it disgusting. Will only kiss me right before sex. Only likes the actual two min sex act. Doesn't like anything else. There's no spiritual or emotional intimacy. Sex ends with us fighting or me crying because the two minutes didn't do it for me so he wonders what's wrong with me. I was first girl he ever dated or kissed. So he has no prior experience. He yells at anything I do wrong. Literally if I load dishwasher wrong I'm either stupid or disrespectful. Calls me names (c&nt) when we fight. Every time I get the nerve up to leave I lose my job. He says it's God showing me I can't divorce him. I've got bad anxiety and depression. I've stopped sleeping with him. I've convinced myself I have cervical cancer and I use that as my no sex reason. My therapist says I did that as a way to emotionally protect myself. How can you be intimate when you are told you are disgusting? He won't go to therapy. There's nothing wrong with him he says. My therapist and parents agree that's I need to consider leaving. Last straw came last night. We got a call from adoption agency. Something we've both wanted. He told them no. That kids are too much work and money. God hates divorce, right? How can I fix myself? He says it's all my fault. What can I do to fix my marriage ?
I doubt God is a fan of sex only lasting two minutes either. God hates misery and suffering, but we see it everywhere. The first thing to do is accept things as they are. This message reads as though it was written at a really low spot, but even so it sounds like you are suffering and that you have a **** husband (he may be great in other ways). This marriage cannot be saved and turned into a true spiritual and sexual union by not legally divorcing, it is still not a proper marriage. Understand, that your feeling pain is not what God wants for you.

You mention the adoption agency but not the context. Could the context be a trigger for his anger?
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post #34 of 37 (permalink) Old 09-11-2015, 03:12 AM
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Re: Christian contemplating divorce

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This was a big issue to me and one of the reasons I left my church and never looked back. They tend to pick and choose who they will accept and support a divorcee and who they will marginalize and point the finger. The trouble with my church (and I am sure many more like it) is they have very black and white thinking. It is very gossipy, cliquey, with a pick n mix of rules that you are not necessarily privy to until they decide you have broken them.

If you decide to divorce LET NOBODY judge you. Nobody has lived your life, nobody has your emotions and past history, nobody has lived with your H or seen the manipulations, mind games - the constant demoralization. Your God will have seen it all and felt your unhappiness. And frankly it is nobody's business but yours. Jesus said a lot about how we should live our lives but he also said he without sin should cast the first stone. He totally understood the complexities of life and understood the value of leaving the past in the past. I actually think its a sin to perpetuate unhappiness within ourselves. We are privileged people who only get one stab at life and spend it unwisely (ie with someone we do not love and abuses us) is not very Christian imo. I don't believe God hates divorce - what purpose would that serve. To keep someone permanently unhappy and then expect them to do his work. No. God wants his children to be happy, if the Christian faith is correct, he paid a high price for us and therefore he should be protecting his investment. He wants the best for us.

My sister divorced around 15 years ago and the people from her church wanted nothing to do with her despite the years of service she had given them regarding youth work and music. Not one person contacted her to pray with her or to ask her version of events. Even now she is only just opening up about moments of mental abuse or weird control tactics that were so daily she couldn't even see them as abuse. Her church were judge and jury over information they only got from one side. That is not very Christian in my book. But the good thing about everything that happen is that she got so angry with the church that she was determined to live her life to the full despite them. Getting angry is sometimes very essential in healing.

Its your life. Go live it.
Once I would have been shocked to hear there. Now, I realise it is fairly common.

I am not sure that being angry is essential in healing. I think it is likely and acknowledging that it is really there and accepting it is important.
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post #35 of 37 (permalink) Old 09-11-2015, 06:50 PM
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Re: Christian contemplating divorce

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Anger stops us from being passive. We are taught from being young children that getting angry is wrong, it is also something that is often frowned upon within the Christian community. It is a very important emotion if executed correctly and positively. When someone divorces they usually go through stages of grieving. Anger is a natural stage of grieving which sets us on the road to healing and forgiveness, if we don't get angry we get stuck at sadness. We should all become 'positively' angry from time to time. Its our minds way of giving us a shove in the right direction.
I will disagree slightly. It is important to be aware of your anger and accept that you are angry.

I someone pushes a child in front of a train, the first thing to do is get the child out of the way of the train. The second thing is to capture the person who did it. With anger, the focus moves to how I feel about that person doing it and there is no time for that. However, as well as action, we also have inhibition that cautions us that action may harm us and we will have anger. As long as we are aware of all these feelings (and it sometimes needs someone to point them out to us) we can let them go.
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post #36 of 37 (permalink) Old 09-16-2015, 02:21 AM
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Re: Christian contemplating divorce

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Originally Posted by Mr. Nail View Post
I'm from a different branch of Christianity. In general I'm in favor of reconciliation and healing marriages. I firmly believe that God is in favor of marriage.

Now having said all of that I would never encourage anyone to stay in an abusive relationship. God intends you to be Happy. God Heals and Frees.

Great post and I'm with you all the way.

If you have a relationship with your living God, he will tell you exactly what to do. He can set you free from a husband HE considers unworthy. God will indeed free you and heal you.
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post #37 of 37 (permalink) Old 01-09-2016, 05:16 AM
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Re: Christian contemplating divorce

From what you have written, I doubt that it can be fixed. There seems to be a lot of resentment and it is true that how we are treated outside of the bedroom determines how it goes in the bedroom. Like you I also cannot separate my emotions just like that. My soon to be ex-husband called me a ton of names but I came to realise that I am not any of the things he said, he only knows how to hurt me, maybe your husband is the same. I know people that have divorced for reasons other than adultery, Christians included. Remember God is forgiving and sometimes we can just say you know what 'I really can't take this anymore'. All the best with everything.

Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock - anonymous

When your are EX says "you will never find anyone like me" reply with, "THAT'S THE POINT"
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