Christian contemplating divorce - Talk About Marriage
Relationships and Spirituality The place to look for faith based solutions.

User Tag List

 62Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #1 of 37 (permalink) Old 05-05-2015, 10:40 AM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 4
Christian contemplating divorce

But God hates divorce, right? Over 20 yrs ago I promised to love this man in sickness and health - for richer for poorer etc. you get it. Well three months after wedding he told me he was never sexually attracted to me. He despise kissing. Finds it disgusting. Will only kiss me right before sex. Only likes the actual two min sex act. Doesn't like anything else. There's no spiritual or emotional intimacy. Sex ends with us fighting or me crying because the two minutes didn't do it for me so he wonders what's wrong with me. I was first girl he ever dated or kissed. So he has no prior experience. He yells at anything I do wrong. Literally if I load dishwasher wrong I'm either stupid or disrespectful. Calls me names (c&nt) when we fight. Every time I get the nerve up to leave I lose my job. He says it's God showing me I can't divorce him. I've got bad anxiety and depression. I've stopped sleeping with him. I've convinced myself I have cervical cancer and I use that as my no sex reason. My therapist says I did that as a way to emotionally protect myself. How can you be intimate when you are told you are disgusting? He won't go to therapy. There's nothing wrong with him he says. My therapist and parents agree that's I need to consider leaving. Last straw came last night. We got a call from adoption agency. Something we've both wanted. He told them no. That kids are too much work and money. God hates divorce, right? How can I fix myself? He says it's all my fault. What can I do to fix my marriage ?

Frostingswirls is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 37 (permalink) Old 05-05-2015, 12:31 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 236
Re: Christian contemplating divorce

In my experience most churches and Christians recognize the 3 A's as reasons for divorce (Adultery, Abuse, Addiction).

You definitely have the abuse going on. You need some help, talk with someone at your church if you can.
Tasorundo is offline  
post #3 of 37 (permalink) Old 05-05-2015, 12:51 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 2,260
Re: Christian contemplating divorce

He is abusing you for his shortcoming. He attacks you so he does not focus inward within himself, and if he seeks help, he would have to admit that he is flawed, defective in some ways.

Sounds like he never fully mature mentally and emotionally. Lashing out is what children and teens do, they tend to act more from emotions, because their brains are not fully developed yet, and they also have hormones coursing through their system.

You need a support system, and you need counseling to undo his tear down of your self-worth. You need the help of family,friends, and advice from people who dealt or helps deals in abuse.

Your anxiety may be due to your fear of his next tirade, and your subsequent mental breakdown.

You need to gain some distance, and recover emotionally and mentally. Your pretty much reacting because he is constantly invoking a lot of emotional response to him. With high levels of emotions, logic, and rationale take a backseat.

Leaving him will give you the time to detach, work on your esteem, give time to figure what you want to do with your life, and there is a possible chance of making your husband seek help as well if he is motivated to work on his own end, and works on the damage he has created.

Things are not going to get better, and the longer you stay, the more dysfunctional you become along with him.

If you remember the person you were before you married, I would guess that your nowhere near that person.

I wouldn't be surprise if he is sabotaging your life to keep in control. He needs that control to operate.

If you're going to leave, do it covertly. Tipping your hand to him will only make him act out.

Remember, this is your only life, and you should have some level of fulfillment. You cannot be healthy until you leave what is poisoning you, helping keep you weak, your husband.

I am such a tree hugger because it gives me wood!
Mr.Fisty is offline  
 
post #4 of 37 (permalink) Old 05-05-2015, 01:50 PM
Member
 
ScrambledEggs's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 822
Re: Christian contemplating divorce

I can't offer you any theological advice, but maybe you can think of it that it was his abuse that ended the marriage, not you.

Just as a rhetorical example, if he killed you, he would have ended the marriage. Is it really any different given that his abuse has caused you to leave the marriage? Does god really care what papers where filed with the State or is the covenant made, and broken, in people's hearts?

Get to a place where you can start healing and you will be fine.
ScrambledEggs is offline  
post #5 of 37 (permalink) Old 05-05-2015, 01:50 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: sc
Posts: 678
Re: Christian contemplating divorce

Yea, do your research, consult with an attorney, plan your exit. One you have spent some time away, im sure your anxiety will dissipate.
toonaive is offline  
post #6 of 37 (permalink) Old 05-05-2015, 01:58 PM
Member
 
Mr. Nail's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Western US
Posts: 2,475
Re: Christian contemplating divorce

I'm from a different branch of Christianity. In general I'm in favor of reconciliation and healing marriages. I firmly believe that God is in favor of marriage.

Now having said all of that I would never encourage anyone to stay in an abusive relationship. God intends you to be Happy. God Heals and Frees.

Many men wrest the scriptures in order to maintain an unrighteous authority. Beware of this.
Mr. Nail is online now  
post #7 of 37 (permalink) Old 05-05-2015, 03:04 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 4
Thanks everyone. It's hard to throw away over 20 yrs. and I beleive strongly in marriage being a covenant. That's why I'm so torn. When I tell my therapist or family what he's gotten mad at me for this time, it sounds ridiculous. The things he gets upset over. Like how I load a doshwasher. How I fold clothes. He says if I don't do them his way I'm either stupid or being disrespectful to his wishes. I really want to make this marriage work. He won't seek counseling. All I can do is pray.
Frostingswirls is offline  
post #8 of 37 (permalink) Old 05-06-2015, 10:18 AM
Member
 
Fozzy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 4,827
Re: Christian contemplating divorce

Quote:
Originally Posted by Frostingswirls View Post
Thanks everyone. It's hard to throw away over 20 yrs. and I beleive strongly in marriage being a covenant. That's why I'm so torn. When I tell my therapist or family what he's gotten mad at me for this time, it sounds ridiculous. The things he gets upset over. Like how I load a doshwasher. How I fold clothes. He says if I don't do them his way I'm either stupid or being disrespectful to his wishes. I really want to make this marriage work. He won't seek counseling. All I can do is pray.
No, that's not all you can do. You can also leave.

FWIW, I think most of the churches that do have hangups about divorce actually have the hangups about re-marriage after divorce. The divorce itself is not forbidden in the bible so much as remarriage afterward (although this is also debatable).

In my opinion, your husband has already broken the marriage covenant. He's abandoned you emotionally and sexually. He's abusive. And if he's still this way after 20 years, he's never going to change. You need to pack your bags and don't look back.

Darling it's better down where it's wetter, take it from me! --- Sebastian
Fozzy is offline  
post #9 of 37 (permalink) Old 05-06-2015, 10:34 AM
Member
 
Catherine602's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 6,360
Re: Christian contemplating divorce

Think of it this way. Your husband has violated several of the tenets laid out in the Bible. Love a spouse like Christ loves the church is the most egregious violation among many. He sins at each opportunity you give him to abuse you. Save him from himself and dump his azz.

As for you? You have endured this hell for longer than a loving God allows. Take yourself away and recieve the rewards of a good and loyal and loving person. Get away from this evil man.

BTW why do you assume he is the judge of what is right or wrong? Who is he to judge you? Why do you let him? Get out of this, heal yourself and fix your picker. Date until you discover what you need in a partner and to find someone worthy of you. Peace
Posted via Mobile Device

Last edited by Catherine602; 05-07-2015 at 10:32 PM.
Catherine602 is offline  
post #10 of 37 (permalink) Old 05-06-2015, 06:57 PM
Member
 
gouge_away's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Midwest
Posts: 1,202
Re: Christian contemplating divorce

Separation, God advises separation.

That and tell your pastor, if you truly desire to obey the word of God, you will bring this to the church, and then separate.

If you want to get literal, God does not command that a wife not divorce her husband, he commands that husbands not divorce their wives.

Wives were the weaker vessels, they had less right of passage than the men, men like Hosea were obliged to stand firm as rocks, much like Christ is to the church. However you are being abused, and as the weaker vessel, God does not expect you to comply, or stand and take it till you die.


Last edited by gouge_away; 05-06-2015 at 07:04 PM.
gouge_away is offline  
post #11 of 37 (permalink) Old 05-06-2015, 07:14 PM
Member
 
gouge_away's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Midwest
Posts: 1,202
Re: Christian contemplating divorce

1 Corinthians 7:11 (but if she does, she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband), and the husband should not divorce his wife.

The law did not permit wives to initiate divorce, so, they would just pack up and leave, if the husband didn't serve her, she couldn't remarry, else she would be married to multiple men, remember the woman at the well, she walked away from 5 husbands, they never divorced her, but she was married yet to all 5, that's why Jesus said, you have 5 husbands, and the man she is with isn't one of them...

Now are laws have progressed, and women can initiate divorce.

I can't say whether you are held to the law according to Paul (he did say "I command, not the Lord") because Jesus only said, a husband causes his wife to commit adultery if he divorces her and she marries another.

Jesus will not/cannot leave you, but you can leave Him, if you choose.

Last edited by gouge_away; 05-06-2015 at 07:24 PM.
gouge_away is offline  
post #12 of 37 (permalink) Old 05-06-2015, 07:26 PM
Member
 
ConanHub's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Abroad. Currently Arizona.
Posts: 7,581
Re: Christian contemplating divorce

Divorce. Christian and ordained here and I would read your H the riot act if I knew him and advise you to divorce.

He abuses you, a very strong case can be made for sexual immorality and he is fulfilling almost none of the obligations of a husband not least of all to love his wife.
Posted via Mobile Device
ConanHub is offline  
post #13 of 37 (permalink) Old 05-07-2015, 01:44 AM
Moderator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 33,650
Re: Christian contemplating divorce

A Christian is not someone who just says that's what they are/believe.

Your husband is not a Christian based on how he treats you.

Conan is right. They way he treats you sexually is immoral. He has not been a husband. He left your marriage a long time ago.

Corinthians 7

15 But if the unbeliever depart, let him depart. For a brother or sister is not under servitude in such cases. But God hath called us in peace.

Surviving An Affair -
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.



To Create A Passionate Marriage -
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
EleGirl is online now  
post #14 of 37 (permalink) Old 05-07-2015, 03:47 AM
Banned
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 259
Re: Christian contemplating divorce

You'll be surprised how common this is, specially in long-term relationships. Except that in most cases the persons doing the complaining about being sex-starved are the guys. In recent years, this has shifted somewhat, with women too facing the problem.

My 'sexual awakening' (also no sexual experience before marriage, no sisters or women to grow up with) came, believe it or not, from reading a lot of sexually-explicit guides and sometimes even pornography.

It's easy to not be attracted anymore to the body you married say 2, 3, 5, 7, 11 or 20 years ago. But with a little bit of imagination, he needs to realise that sex can be pleasurable too.

In my experience, a guy who doesn't attain some form of sexual satisfaction in a marriage/relationship will be grumpy, angry, fighty and stressed all the time. It can change his personality. We often don't recognise this. Women too face sexual frustration, though it could show up in a different way.
brownmale is offline  
post #15 of 37 (permalink) Old 05-08-2015, 07:40 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 157
Re: Christian contemplating divorce

I read this whole thread, and basically got the gist of most replies falling under:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tasorundo View Post
In my experience most churches and Christians recognize the 3 A's as reasons for divorce (Adultery, Abuse, Addiction)...
Unfortunately, I guess, Christ is definitely on the record as not allowing divorce, except for a wife's immoraltiy, ever. Matthew 19 is pretty clear... unless you're one of "those christians" or follow one of "those churches", of course. (It's worth mention that Jesus commanded all of his followers to follow ALL of the laws of the Jews - not just the Ten Commandments, but he SPECIFICALLY forbade the Jewish allowances for divorce.)

Is there anyone who could stay with you for an extended visit - perhaps a relative, visiting friend, or even an exchange student - that would likely put some damper on your husband's admittedly intolerable behavior?

With some kind of "buffer" you could each continue to live your lives, and perhaps because of a third person/witness, allow your husband to wake up and realize he has to change something, if even just to look better to another person in his home.
On the other hand, an extra person around might be good if you do decide to divorce, just to keep things civil.

In the end, it will all come down to your own "faith", whether it's ALL of what the Jesus is known to have said, or whether you choose to believe in just the "good parts" for yourself.

Sure, there are potholes on the road to salvation, but because you make your own. You'll still get there.
HuggyBear is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Separated and contemplating divorce?? Free Heart Considering Divorce or Separation 11 07-07-2012 02:47 AM
Contemplating Divorce meadenurse Considering Divorce or Separation 4 02-17-2012 02:25 PM
contemplating divorce over $$ issues? Brokenbear Financial Problems in Marriage 7 01-29-2012 06:58 AM
Contemplating divorce, what do I do? noname82 Considering Divorce or Separation 13 02-12-2009 04:14 PM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome