Friends with Ex - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 12 (permalink) Old 06-06-2015, 10:55 AM Thread Starter
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Friends with Ex

Hi I'm Tom. I am recently engaged but have to move away from my fiancé for a year. Before me, she was in a 2-year relationship with an older gentleman that was platonic due to his deteriorating health. He is evidently more financially well-to-do than I. She wants to remain friends with him and asserts that I either trust her or I don't. He previously declined invitations to join us for dinner with me present. Now that I am moving out of state, she wants him to join her family for dinner periodically.

I am certain that sex is a non-issue. However, I feel conflicted about her retaining ties with an ex-boyfriend under these circumstances. Any advice one way or another? Thx.
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post #2 of 12 (permalink) Old 06-06-2015, 11:00 AM
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Re: Friends with Ex

If it was platonic how was it a relationship? Isn't that just....a friendship? If you're certain sex is not the issue, what exactly worries you?
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post #3 of 12 (permalink) Old 06-06-2015, 11:52 AM
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Re: Friends with Ex

I would say "I don't trust you, in fact I trust no one, not even myself. You can either accept that the relationship with him is over and done or you can accept that your relationship with me is over and done, end of story".
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post #4 of 12 (permalink) Old 06-06-2015, 01:08 PM
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Re: Friends with Ex

Don't


Stay single till you can settle down more.

Could be bad advice. Could be good. Good luck with that older gentleman, his money, her emotions surrounding feeling bad about him, her handling of the guilt trip he'll place on her and the responsibility and loneliness she is going to be faced with.

I don't think it's worth betting half your stuff on. Have fun. Live. Enjoy life.

"I'm significant!! Screamed the dust speck." - Bill Watterson

"And this, too, shall pass away."
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post #5 of 12 (permalink) Old 06-06-2015, 01:33 PM
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Re: Friends with Ex

Cut her loose. If he isn't a friend of you as a couple he is no friend.

Also, some people allow exes as friends and others don't but having alone time with OSF's while the partner is away is a pretty bad idea, especially an ex who wants nothing to do with you.

Don't be a doormat. She is still a girl and not ready for marriage.

Go find a woman.
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post #6 of 12 (permalink) Old 06-06-2015, 01:52 PM
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Re: Friends with Ex

He declines invitations to dinner when you are included? And she thinks this is acceptable? And wants to spend more time with him while you are out of state? Really? Tom, I think you know the answer to your question(s).

You can use the 2x4 without adding nails to it.
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post #7 of 12 (permalink) Old 06-06-2015, 02:00 PM
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Re: Friends with Ex

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Originally Posted by Maricha75 View Post
He declines invitations to dinner when you are included? And she thinks this is acceptable? And wants to spend more time with him while you are out of state? Really? Tom, I think you know the answer to your question(s).
He may not be able to hide his feelings for her, Tom. There are better matches for you out there who are not as risky.

Hi Maricha.

"I'm significant!! Screamed the dust speck." - Bill Watterson

"And this, too, shall pass away."
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post #8 of 12 (permalink) Old 06-06-2015, 02:10 PM
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Re: Friends with Ex

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tomasco View Post
Hi I'm Tom. I am recently engaged but have to move away from my fiancé for a year. Before me, she was in a 2-year relationship with an older gentleman that was platonic due to his deteriorating health. He is evidently more financially well-to-do than I. She wants to remain friends with him and asserts that I either trust her or I don't. He previously declined invitations to join us for dinner with me present. Now that I am moving out of state, she wants him to join her family for dinner periodically.

I am certain that sex is a non-issue. However, I feel conflicted about her retaining ties with an ex-boyfriend under these circumstances. Any advice one way or another? Thx.

Her two year platonic relationship is a tough sale Tom. It just doesn't make sense. It's more likely she's telling you it was platonic so you wouldn't rock the boat. Especially if she has sugar daddy tendencies. In my opinion long distance relationships are hard enough when you're both on the same page but they're about impossible when you don't see eye to eye on this stuff. Good luck but I think she's playing you.

I'm as deep as a puddle. Holland.
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post #9 of 12 (permalink) Old 06-07-2015, 04:00 PM
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Re: Friends with Ex

Agree with Thundarr.

If she is lying she is manipulative and not marriage material. She is saying "trust me" while knowing lying to you.

If she is not lying to you why is this so important?

SE

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post #10 of 12 (permalink) Old 06-08-2015, 09:54 AM
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Re: Friends with Ex

I think this is a really tricky one.

When you say he is in declining health do you mean that he is terminally ill? If he is that makes things a little different in my opinion. Maybe she maintains contact with him out of a sense of guilt?

I would still be uncomfortable with the situation however.

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post #11 of 12 (permalink) Old 06-08-2015, 12:52 PM
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Re: Friends with Ex

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tomasco View Post
Hi I'm Tom. I am recently engaged but have to move away from my fiancé for a year. Before me, she was in a 2-year relationship with an older gentleman that was platonic due to his deteriorating health. He is evidently more financially well-to-do than I. She wants to remain friends with him and asserts that I either trust her or I don't. He previously declined invitations to join us for dinner with me present. Now that I am moving out of state, she wants him to join her family for dinner periodically.

I am certain that sex is a non-issue. However, I feel conflicted about her retaining ties with an ex-boyfriend under these circumstances. Any advice one way or another? Thx.
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The move away for a year is tough enough and more than likely end in disaster. Your W appears to be make way to fill the void of your absence with the XBF. The XBF has declined the invitation to dine with you and soon to be. This only means the XBF has more than platonic feelings in the matter. Sex or not.

How certain are you that sex is a non-issue? Just because one can not perform a certain function does not mean other avenues can be taken.

I never understood the ties to X BF/GF. They are an X for a reason.

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
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post #12 of 12 (permalink) Old 06-08-2015, 01:48 PM
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Re: Friends with Ex

The only ties should be for when there is a child or children between the two. Those should be limited to conversation about the children only. They should be few in number and infrequent, or one of the parents needs to have suitable supervision. I can't see any other reasons.

"I'm significant!! Screamed the dust speck." - Bill Watterson

"And this, too, shall pass away."
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