LonelyNLost

Just wondering how the Christians out there feel about dating before your divorce is final. I've heard many viewpoints on it. Let's just say that the couple was married for a long time, then the husband cheats on the wife for the second time, he leaves and carries on his adulterous relationship. The wife is left with the two kids. She begins to move on, retains an attorney, and starts working towards divorce.

At this point, isn't the marriage bond broken? I'm sure that God sees it as broken. What is the relationship between God and the legal system/state? Divorces take a long time nowadays, whereas in Jesus days it was probably a little more immediate. Not that I'm an expert on that issue. I just feel in my heart that God is my husband right now and he'll guide me and tell me what's right. But I'd hate to just swear off men until my divorce is final, which could be a year from now, and then miss an opportunity with a man He sent for me, you know?

I'm not dating yet per se, but I'm getting my feet wet and meeting new people. Definitely not ready for a new relationship, and don't want to set that poor example for my children as he is still technically my husband. But there's no chance for reconciliation, and I feel like it's time for me to start looking forward and learning how to read others and be myself. Is it wrong to go out on a date with a man here and there, as long as it's kept platonic? I'm setting my moral boundaries at not having a sexual relationship or falling in love with another man until my divorce is final. And I wouldn't introduce a man to my children until way after the divorce was final and even then it would be something I'd be hesitant to do.

Just want opinions. Don't chastise me, please. I know what I feel in my heart, but I just wonder what others think about the subject. My best friend has already harped her opinion on me, and I've actually met a really sweet Christian man who feels like it wouldn't be right for me to be in a relationship with him right now, but he's interested. So he's sort of running along the lines of just being friends for now. Which is what I need to heal. Friends and time.

__________________
~ You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don't trust enough. ~

Or, you could be a big sap and trust your husband, and he could end up being a lying, spineless, cheater.

cb45

"just being friends for now. Which is what I need to heal. Friends and time"-----L&L


I think you basically answered yer own Q sufficiently, and most mature Christians would agree with you.

If u are feeling/thinking/believing yer "guiltless" then no
need to be here i am presuming.

maybe yer friend is doing u a favor, dunno how rough or
truthful shes being but something to consider.

If u mess up, 'cuz yer weak then ask forgiveness and move
on. IF u are willfull then......thats another story for u and
God to take up in yer own personal walk of life.

IF u are looking for reinforcement or support of a liberal
take on Biblical principals well.....i'm not sure u'll find it
here, from true Christians anyways.

i do recall u posting your "dating" experience(s) pre-D
somehwhere else on this forum.

even the "heathen" werent too accomodating as i recall.

Shalom......

Parrothead

This is my take on it, but remember that free advice is worth every penny you pay for it.

Your marriage will never be "broken", per se, that's why it hurts so much. I have heard it said that a divorce is like pulling apart two different colors of paper that have been glued together. No matter how careful you are, one of the colors remains attached to the other. I can always tell women who have not come to grips with a divorce because all they talk about is their ex.

The RCC says that getting divorced and remarried to someone else is a sin. While I agree with their assessment, divorce and remarriage is a sin Jesus atoned for, just the way he atoned for any other sin. But he does say as we go, "Go and sin no more".

LonelyNLost

Right, I've been praying about it because I don't really know what is right. I go back and forth. I feel as if I need to move forward. I think going on dates is okay, but having a relationship before my divorce is not okay. I've only posted about some experiences with online dating, because that's where I've met some guys I now consider friends. Everyone has different opinions, honestly. Some think it's wrong, some don't see an issue. I think it boils down to what I'm willing to be able to live with when looking at myself in the mirror.

Thanks for your take. I've heard a similar analogy as that. In that movie based on the Love Dare, they glue together salt and pepper shakers and talk about how it's one and even if pulled apart both are injured. I get that, I do. I still do talk a lot about my ex, but it's not that I've not come to grips with it. It's more that I'm still in pain and bitter about what he's done to me. Every day gets a little better. I can't remove him from my heart, I'll always love him for the man he was.

I guess some aspects of Christianity I don't understand. Like adultery is the only reason for divorce. But you're always married to that person in your heart. God made man and woman to be together, so would that infidelity cause the faithful partner a life of loneliness? God is forgiving and understanding and will set my path before me. I guess I'll just trust in that!

__________________
~ You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don't trust enough. ~

Or, you could be a big sap and trust your husband, and he could end up being a lying, spineless, cheater.

827Aug

I also believe you have answered your own question. My guess is that you are here seeking approval. I had this same discussion with my minister and Christian therapist. Both agreed that in a situation like the one you described (my situation also), it is okay to date. The matrimony bond was destroyed when the spouse cheated. And that released the loyal spouse from the marriage.

However, I still feel that a loyal spouse needs to be careful until all divorce hearings are final. Be discrete, so that no ammunition is given to the disloyal spouse.

magnoliagal

Well said.

LonelyNLost

Thank you for that, I'm glad you shared. And no way he'd know about it, he'd be all too thrilled. And I'm really just meeting new people, so I won't be bringing anyone home or to meet the kids. I just want to get out and enjoy being around other people.

__________________
~ You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don't trust enough. ~

Or, you could be a big sap and trust your husband, and he could end up being a lying, spineless, cheater.

827Aug

You should do that with a clear conscience. Go embrace life.

However, don't be so sure your estranged husband will be thrilled about you dating. I thought the same thing. My husband technically left our marriage in 2006, but didn't officially move out until 2008. He wanted nothing to do with our marriage and abandoned me on many fronts. Yet, when I went out with someone in 2009, he found out. Of course, he didn't care. But, he wanted to cause trouble. That got no where, but it did further demoralize me. That's why I say be discrete....and it's better for your sake, if the estranged husband doesn't know.

magnoliagal

827Aug is right. I've got a friend that left her husband a year ago and has been dating a while. Their divorce won't be final until this month. He just recently started dating and she is livid. She didn't care but she did cause trouble.

LonelyNLost

It's that self-entitlement I suppose. I am not even telling my best friend about my "dates" and I only go out when the kids are with stbx. The only thing that could get back to him is my son saying something about me talking on the phone or texting. But I was honest with my son and told him that I had male friends I talk to. I told him I don't have a boyfriend and wouldn't until after we were divorced.

And by thrilled, I just mean he would be glad he'd have something to push back in my face. These lips are sealed!

__________________
~ You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don't trust enough. ~

Or, you could be a big sap and trust your husband, and he could end up being a lying, spineless, cheater.

4sure

Also allow me to add. Do not enter into another relationship until you can truely forgive your ex for what he did.

How will you know when you have truely forgiven him? When you can look at him and harbor no animosity towards him. When you can wish him well, and mean it within your heart. When you truely ask God to forgive him, and not hold it against him. Only then will you be totally free to completely love another man, and open yourself up to him, and receive his love.

LonelyNLost

Wow, that sounds very idealistic. I'm not sure I would ever be there. Because of the love I had for him I think there'll always be emotions tied to what he's done. I'm working past bitter, aiming for indifference. I can look at him and not want him dead. Run over by the karma bus, yeah, but dead no. At this point though I do not wish him well. I know I'm not ready for another man, but your post made me think. I see what you mean, and it's hard to imagine being there!

__________________
~ You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don't trust enough. ~

Or, you could be a big sap and trust your husband, and he could end up being a lying, spineless, cheater.

suzett

I will just share my opinion as a christian. No, I don't think you should "date" before your divorce is final. Meeting new men provides the opportunity to begin to have romantic feelings for someone new and you are not even divorced yet. Why not wait until you are and take this time to heal from the failed marriage and all that entails for both you and your children. You may find you have much you can learn and wisdom to gain from this experience and focusing on your children and getting through this time is best I believe. And you are still married so you are not really free to find romance which could very well happen. Be faithful to the fact that you are still married even if your husband was unfaithful and also any man that would be willing to date a married woman may not provide fidelity in his future relationships either.