How can I live in a miserable marriage? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 15 (permalink) Old 07-02-2015, 09:35 PM Thread Starter
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How can I live in a miserable marriage?

I don't even think it's important to get into the specifics of why my marriage is awful. No one would fully understand unless they were living it day to day.

We should have left maybe a year into our relationship but kept hanging on, anyway. It seems like it was doomed from the start.

But, as it is today, both of us are extremely unhappy with one another. Miserable, actually. We don't even really fight because neither of us have the energy to. We just simply don't get along. Period. We can't get along.

We've been to counseling. We've tried talking. I've gone to God in prayer. I've tried just accepting our marriage for what it is. It's not even that I think that i'm missing out on someone great, it's not that I think someone out there would be better suited for me. I'm saying, at the core, the foundation of our marriage, we are terrible together. We are so much happier when we don't have to be around one another. It's as if we are from two different planets. After basically doing everything I could to make this fit for the past 9 years, trying to see it from different angles, trying to expect less from it, trying just to get to the point where we can at least occupy the same space without losing it, i've realized that it's just not working. It's not working and we're both losing it.

I just can't imagine spending my life this way. I don't need anyone to make me happy. I'm a generally happy person as it is. I'm pretty optimistic. So it's not like i'm looking for a replacement. I just want peace. I just want to live peacefully without this constant tension. I feel like I am sleeping with the enemy. It's terrible. And the worst part about it is, there isn't a "happy time" to return to. It's always been this way, it was just easier to cover it up back then when we were younger and more preoccupied by things that didn't matter.

Not only are we not on the same page, we're not even in the same book. We're not even in the same GENRE. We are worlds apart.

How can I live peacefully with someone under these conditions. I don't care about romance. I don't care about affection. I've stopped expecting that long ago. I just want to exist under the same roof with him without wanting to knock his head off everyday.

We are both Christians, very very far from one another in our walk. But still, we're both walking. I just don't know what else to do. I've done everything I can think of and i'm just miserable. It becomes harder and harder to block the negativity out and ignore the little comments and passive aggression and what not. I try, believe me. Talking gets nowhere. I just need peace.

Are any of you living peacefully in a loveless, unhappy marriage? Any suggestions?

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post #2 of 15 (permalink) Old 07-02-2015, 09:48 PM
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Re: How can I live in a miserable marriage?

Do you two have children?

I get the impression that divorce is not an option because of religion, is that right?

If so, why not get a legal separation? You are still married but recognize the fact that you two do not get along well. You might even find that you both like each other more when you are legally separated and don't have to live in the same house.

You should not stay in the situation they way it is because it will hurt your physically and mentally/emotionally.
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post #3 of 15 (permalink) Old 07-02-2015, 09:54 PM Thread Starter
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Re: How can I live in a miserable marriage?

We do have children. Four. Divorce would be my last resort. I hate thinking about what it would do to the kids and i'm willing to sacrifice my happiness in order to keep the family together. All I want is to find a way to live in peace. I am positive we would make great friends. But in a romantic situation, when living under the same roof and dealing with one another on a consistent basis, no. We have come to despise each other and I hate having feelings like this pent up inside of me. It's not who I am. It feels like a constant weight on my shoulders. I don't agree with divorce but sometimes it's the lesser of two evils.
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post #4 of 15 (permalink) Old 07-02-2015, 10:15 PM
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Re: How can I live in a miserable marriage?

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Originally Posted by treading_water View Post
We do have children. Four. Divorce would be my last resort. I hate thinking about what it would do to the kids and i'm willing to sacrifice my happiness in order to keep the family together. All I want is to find a way to live in peace. I am positive we would make great friends. But in a romantic situation, when living under the same roof and dealing with one another on a consistent basis, no. We have come to despise each other and I hate having feelings like this pent up inside of me. It's not who I am. It feels like a constant weight on my shoulders. I don't agree with divorce but sometimes it's the lesser of two evils.
I have a cousin who had a similar problem. They bought houses next door to each other. The kids went back and forth as they chose. She and her husband loved the arrangement.

The legal separation, if available where you are could give a lot of protections but maintain the marriage.

While you think that being separated/divorced would be hard on the children, I have no doubt that what they are witnessing.. the tension, etc. is not doing them any good.

Look what they are learning about marriage... that it's a harsh thing, lacking in love, a chore, a duty... is this really the example you want to give them?
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post #5 of 15 (permalink) Old 07-02-2015, 11:13 PM
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Re: How can I live in a miserable marriage?

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Originally Posted by treading_water View Post
We do have children. Four. Divorce would be my last resort. I hate thinking about what it would do to the kids and i'm willing to sacrifice my happiness in order to keep the family together. All I want is to find a way to live in peace. I am positive we would make great friends. But in a romantic situation, when living under the same roof and dealing with one another on a consistent basis, no. We have come to despise each other and I hate having feelings like this pent up inside of me. It's not who I am. It feels like a constant weight on my shoulders. I don't agree with divorce but sometimes it's the lesser of two evils.
If you are both so unhappy but you think you would be friends apart from each other - have you talked with him about separating? Your sacrifice may cost you your health. Stress leads to heart disease amongst other things.

Are you staying together for your children? If so, I can certainly understand that, but you may not be doing them the great favor you think you are if there is so much tension and just lack of happiness between you.

I like Elegirl's idea of a legal separation. You might both be relieved and who knows, maybe your kids would be too if you made sure they were secure with both of you and understood they were not to blame.

I'm really sorry to hear of your ongoing emotional pain. Best of luck whatever you decide.
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post #6 of 15 (permalink) Old 07-11-2015, 10:18 AM
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Re: How can I live in a miserable marriage?

I just found this board yesterday. You are living my life. I just want peace.
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post #7 of 15 (permalink) Old 07-11-2015, 10:41 AM
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Re: How can I live in a miserable marriage?

Your kids are already damaged by this dysfunctional relationship. You just refuse to acknowledge it. Quit using them as an excuse to stay in a lousy marriage.

Time to file for divorce.
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post #8 of 15 (permalink) Old 07-14-2015, 08:06 AM
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Re: How can I live in a miserable marriage?

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Originally Posted by treading_water View Post
I am positive we would make great friends. But in a romantic situation, when living under the same roof and dealing with one another on a consistent basis, no.
If what you say is really how you both feel, you would not make great friends. Friends tolerate each others' negative qualities, and remain civil and respectful to each other.

You might make civil acquaintances post-divorce, but "great friends" is wishful thinking, coming from the state of mind you are currently in.

It's difficult to give advice to you, because you haven't provided details regarding why the two of you can't show each other the love and respect a spouse deserves. Is it a behavior/personality disorder in one or both of you? Addiction? Infidelity? Lack of sex?

What is the source of the resentment?

"A healthy choice to enforce boundaries by walking away from a dysfunctional relationship has more to do with recognizing the likeliest outcomes than with wanting to punish or retaliate against one's wayward spouse."

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post #9 of 15 (permalink) Old 07-29-2015, 10:42 PM
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Re: How can I live in a miserable marriage?

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I don't even think it's important to get into the specifics of why my marriage is awful. No one would fully understand unless they were living it day to day.

We should have left maybe a year into our relationship but kept hanging on, anyway. It seems like it was doomed from the start.

But, as it is today, both of us are extremely unhappy with one another. Miserable, actually. We don't even really fight because neither of us have the energy to. We just simply don't get along. Period. We can't get along.

We've been to counseling. We've tried talking. I've gone to God in prayer. I've tried just accepting our marriage for what it is. It's not even that I think that i'm missing out on someone great, it's not that I think someone out there would be better suited for me. I'm saying, at the core, the foundation of our marriage, we are terrible together. We are so much happier when we don't have to be around one another. It's as if we are from two different planets. After basically doing everything I could to make this fit for the past 9 years, trying to see it from different angles, trying to expect less from it, trying just to get to the point where we can at least occupy the same space without losing it, i've realized that it's just not working. It's not working and we're both losing it.

I just can't imagine spending my life this way. I don't need anyone to make me happy. I'm a generally happy person as it is. I'm pretty optimistic. So it's not like i'm looking for a replacement. I just want peace. I just want to live peacefully without this constant tension. I feel like I am sleeping with the enemy. It's terrible. And the worst part about it is, there isn't a "happy time" to return to. It's always been this way, it was just easier to cover it up back then when we were younger and more preoccupied by things that didn't matter.

Not only are we not on the same page, we're not even in the same book. We're not even in the same GENRE. We are worlds apart.

How can I live peacefully with someone under these conditions. I don't care about romance. I don't care about affection. I've stopped expecting that long ago. I just want to exist under the same roof with him without wanting to knock his head off everyday.

We are both Christians, very very far from one another in our walk. But still, we're both walking. I just don't know what else to do. I've done everything I can think of and i'm just miserable. It becomes harder and harder to block the negativity out and ignore the little comments and passive aggression and what not. I try, believe me. Talking gets nowhere. I just need peace.

Are any of you living peacefully in a loveless, unhappy marriage? Any suggestions?
How long have you been married? I know you don't think it's important to go into specifics but really it is. If you are so miserable and it's been that way from the beginning then why did you marry in the first place? And then I must ask....how did you manage 4 children if things are that bad and always have been?

One thing I can tell you is that I've been married for almost 22 years and it definitely hasn't been a walk in the park but I can tell you that it wasn't bad from the beginning and if it was, I wouldn't have either gotten married or stayed married. There are stages of marriage and apparently you are in the Misery stage and this is bad because this is often when you look for outside resources rather than inward toward each other to resolve your conflicts.

Also marriage counselors are definitely not created equal and most don't really counsel for marriage but rather how to divorce amicably.

So to answer your original question, I don't believe that anyone lives peacefully under the conditions you describe but also I don't think you should give up until every avenue is exhausted. I would suggest attending a Retrouvaille weekend or a Marriage Intensive through Focus on the Family. The Retrouvaille is Catholic based but all faiths are welcome (no they won't try to convert you) and will be much cheaper than Focus on the Family but there are scholarships available from them as well and it will still be cheaper than a divorce.
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post #10 of 15 (permalink) Old 05-26-2016, 10:23 PM
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Re: How can I live in a miserable marriage?

I have the same feelings

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post #11 of 15 (permalink) Old 05-27-2016, 12:03 AM
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Re: How can I live in a miserable marriage?

The answer is simple, Divorce.

But following through with it, that's the hard part. Telling her I'm done and I'm moving out. Pack up your stuff and leave. Even if your kids have to watch you do it. Hardest thing I've ever done in my life.

I was in a miserable marriage for the entire time. Never should have got married but just kept feeling more trapped as time went on. Been separated for 6 months now and life is great again. Amazing how you look at life when you are in a healthy relationship where two people actually love each other.
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post #12 of 15 (permalink) Old 06-02-2016, 01:41 AM
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Re: How can I live in a miserable marriage?

I would suggest that for few days you both must stay away form each other. If you both feel that there is still some love than don't stop trying. I know this is the most tough time for both of you so try to talk to each other like friends. I wish soon you get out of all these problems.
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post #13 of 15 (permalink) Old 08-01-2016, 10:06 PM
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Re: How can I live in a miserable marriage?

Sounds like in your case, your marriage has become a distraction from your faith, because let's face it...if we 'despise' someone, that serves as an obstacle in the faith walk. I'm not advocating divorce, but if a house becomes a source of strife and pain, and divorcing would set you both free to be happier in your lives, and your kids would even feel that, even though you're not under the same roof -- this to me, would cause less obstacles in your faith walk. I think many Christians (I'm Christian, as well) feel that following Christ, means staying in a toxic marriage. It really doesn't. God doesn't want to see you hurting or your spouse, and some marriages can be fixed, but some can't, it seems.

I'd just offering this, in hopes that you won't view yourself as a failure, if you choose to divorce. God loves you, and is there for you. ((prayers))
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post #14 of 15 (permalink) Old 08-05-2016, 12:33 PM
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Re: How can I live in a miserable marriage?

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Originally Posted by treading_water View Post
But, as it is today, both of us are extremely unhappy with one another. Miserable, actually. We don't even really fight because neither of us have the energy to. We just simply don't get along. Period. We can't get along.

I don't need anyone to make me happy. I'm a generally happy person as it is. I'm pretty optimistic.
I would focus on those two paragraphs and ask yourself why the contradiction?

If you are indeed, a generally happy person who doesn't need anyone to make her happy, then how could you have written that you are not happy with him? If you are happy, you are happy, no matter who you are with or what that person is like.

Find how to actually be happy, with or without him and your problem is over.

I wish I could find the verse, but there is one in Philippians about happiness and needing nothing at all to be happy except the love of life and lord.

IMO, to actually resolve issues requires participation from both, but it seems you are the only one interested.

Therefore, the fallback is for you to genuinely become happy without need of anybody else to get you there.

There are three kinds of business. Your business, my business and God's business. Whose business are you in? -Byron Katie
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post #15 of 15 (permalink) Old 08-05-2016, 04:20 PM
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Re: How can I live in a miserable marriage?

Zombie thread

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

http://goodmenproject.com/featured-c...ionships-fiff/
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