At the time his brother lost his job, I asked a good guy friend of mine to take him in. He stayed there for some weeks but later the guy said his wife was not happy and he had to leave. I then got helped by another guy from church who is single, but I had to contribute a certain amount of money for groceries, rates, etc. Due to my financing his education it became hard to take care of three households (mine, his, and my family). That's why I ended up moving him in with me eventually. Especially when immigration stated that in order to obtain a lifepartner permit, we need to provide proof of cohabitation. I have since moved far from home because of work and moved with him. He attends school in that area and we haven't yet found a church to go to. I do think that maybe I should find a church and speak to a pastor. Maybe they might offer some help...
What type of proof do they require? I know they don't expect you to keep a sign in sheet at your front door.
I haven't lived in TX for 3 years but I still have a TX licence with my mother's address on it.
Put his name on the lease or on a phone bill and then have him room with somebody else.
Also if he is not working, then he needs to find a part time job in order to pay for his food and living expenses. He can try to find one on campus, or a corner store, or a day laborer agency. Or if that fails then try asking your pastor or somebody in the local african community to help him find one.
A lot of people fraudently obtain the permit, as a result, they have made it tricky by conducting interviews. Apparently they catch out a lot of people with the interviews because they interview you separately, to investigate whether you really do live together.
He has been looking for work for a year now, he still hasn't found anything. He is foreign, so it's not that simple. I at some point opened up a small business for him but the business fell flat and caused me more debt . He's applied for jobs such as waitressing, gardening, jobs that don't need some sort of qualification, at times he would get something, but because he is employed not according the law, they refuse to pay or pay him very little and he can't do much about it.
I have also asked friends and family that own businesses to offer him something if they can. Due to the legal requirements they have to fulfil to employ a foreigner, they are not too comfortable with my request.
then he needs to go back to africa until you can save up enough money for a dowry. When it comes to religion sometimes it is a question of your desires vs your convictions.
at the end of the day here is the situation:
#1 yes you are living in sin.
#2 there is no way out of it unless he goes back to africa.
You know, this situation has made me question a lot about life, spirituality and wordly requirements. I meet a man and fall in love and he is not accepted because he is not "good enough". I meet a man I respect because of what he has gone through and made something of himself regardless and because of money (dowry) I should throw him back into it. He has slept in the streets before at his own country where he has aunts and uncles and because my christian family can't get past the fact that he is not educated enough, is foreign and doesn't have money I can't be with him. It's made me wonder if marriage is money, a signature or is it not enough that we are committed to a life together forever? Why do we have to suffer like this to live upto standard set by everyone else but us? I know I have asked for advice, I'm just sharing my frustrations.
Basically I'm saying it's easy to say "go back to africa" when you don't know what that means for him. He is an orphan whose had to fend for himself for the most basic of things. I was surprised when I met him that he even managed to get to where he was. If he could sleep in the streets while he has family, saying to me to let him go to africa knowing what he could face is just not possible. I love him too much to put him back into such suffering. I wanted him here because it hurt me too much to see how he lived. So no, for me, sending him back is not an option. My heart won't let me.
When it comes to emotions like "love", the human being is filled with mental storms that are far more complicated then the physical world around them.
And if I know women, and I do because I have six adult sisters, there is little doubt that you will choose "love" over simplicity. Most women choose "love" over everything. Or I could state it as man over everything.
Many women will quit school or give up a lucrative career because of a man. Other women will choose a man over their families.
And as I said I am not christian. So you need not question your spirituality, because many women will choose a man over every type of theology there is. Women will chose a man over god the majority of the time. We can only hope that god will forgive them.
But i don't think that you have come to a new realization.
I think that the standards and values that your family hold, and the values of your church, are the same ones that you yourself still hold deer if there was not a man involved; if there were not "love" involved.
Your problem is that you fell in "love" with a man that does not meet YOUR standards.
The interesting thing is that you expect your family to lower their expectations just because you fell in love. It should not work that way. You are obviously a capable woman. And you are not obligated to marry this man. There are many men out there. You are the one that is obligated to live up to your families' expectations; you are obligated to promote the unity and strength of your family and their values.
I know you don't expect your family to support your marriage of a gangster or a thug. Or do you?
I don't know how materialistic, or irrational, your family is, but it does not matter; there are men out there that you can fall in love with that meet your families' requirements.
If you send him back, that does not mean that you cannot marry him after you save up some money. And also you will have the chance to talk to your family and also do it in a more honorable way.
If he grew up in a bad environment than he is capable of weathering the situation for a couple more years. He is not the only person in that situation; you can't save everybody.
We all know right from wrong; and often times the straight path is not the easy one.
The choices remain the same. Love, or simplicity. Live in sin, or let him go back. Unite your family, or marry him behind their backs.
"The interesting thing is that you expect your family to lower their expectations just because you fell in love."
"And if I know women there is little doubt that you will choose "love" over simplicity"
"most women choose "love" over everything"
According to scripture, the greatest thing in this world is love. But you make love seem so valueless. It may seem like I'm a fool but I'm happy to be capable of loving such a man. I love my family dearly. I love my God too. It's because all that I love is in conflict with one another that I find myself torn.
I think it was important for me to hear all this because it's made me realise that the battle I'm in is not over standards or rules. Those things do not touch a man's heart, change someones life and show God's greatness...but love does. I am committed to my man, we might not be married western or culturally, but spiritually we are. We both love each other and the Lord and that is all I need.
lebogang, I realize that this is not a debate, and I am aware that you were only seeking sincere advice. but I would just like to speak to the fact that if you were to pole most of the female members on this site that have been married for long periods of time, you would find that, in terms of sacrifices for the sake of "love", the women are the ones that have barred the lions share of the burden; these are facts.
That is what seems quizzical to me. The fact that it almost never fails that women will give up everything for "love", and men are not willing to do the same. It normally takes years of abuse, neglect, and pain for women to de-romanticize their perceptions of "love" and start using their heads.
And the second thing is that it is questionable for you to endearingly invoke scripture on the one hand, and then conveniently downplay it on the other hand.
And truth be told, because of my experience with women, I sincerely think that you will take the hard route as well.
Don't blame your family, and don't blame your religion.
"And the second thing is that it is questionable for you to endearingly invoke scripture on the one hand, and then conveniently downplay it on the other hand"
That's true. Hence I am where I am and feeling the way I do. It's a tough situation to handle, but I'll press on the best way I know how.
@Parrothead: I once asked a pastor how you know for sure who you're marrying is right for you. He told me relationships are a risk, you can never know for sure. It's not about choosing right, it's about working on it. As a result, I've chosen the path of believing in us and working on making it work. I don't focus on what if's and would rather focus on being positive.
That might be the worst advice I have ever heard from a "pastor". Relationships ARE a risk, but being a Christian is all about making the right choices in life.
Take a look around you - this forum is filled with people who thought the way you do, and see what they got for their trouble.
@Parrothead: I once asked a pastor how you know for sure who you're marrying is right for you. He told me relationships are a risk, you can never know for sure. It's not about choosing right, it's about working on it. As a result, I've chosen the path of believing in us and working on making it work. I don't focus on what if's and would rather focus on being positive.
@needmorehelp & xox: Getting married in Africa is complicated. We do marry in the common way of the world but we first have to marry culturally. Otherwise, even if we get married in court or something, our families will not see us as married. Culturally, he has to pay my parents money. He had saved up some money while working with the intention to use it for our cultural wedding. But since my father decides on the amount of money, he calls out large amounts he knows he can't afford. Since he is not working anymore, we both know the cultural wedding will not happen until he starts working and saving up what he is required to pay. We almost eloped, but I feared for mother's health as she is ailing and would not take it well. So to answer your question, I would say what prevents us from marrying would be our culture, not getting the blessings from my parents and money.
We've thought of getting married and hiding it from them until he can marry me properly according to our culture, but that does not sit well with us.
Here's a question: what do YOU TWO believe?
a christian relationship is between wife, husband, and god. it is not between you, your parents, his parents, society, a doctor, your pharmacist, you can add anyone else in there all you want..bottom line is it is a you, him, and god.
If I hadn't ended up living with my husband prior to our marriage and engagement I would have never developed any sort of understanding of god or real belief even if Im on rocky terms with it now.
One of the things I dislike the most is the "living in sin" fear and stigma. we ALL live in sin, none of us are perfect and it is gods place to judge. Not your parents, not your pastor, and certainly not my place to judge anyone else.
Find strength in your belief, find strength in god, and find strength in your relationship. That will help you decide where to go next. If your parents truly love you, than they will love the other parts of you too, one of which is your soon to be husband.
Re: Living in sin 
. He's applied for jobs such as waitressing, gardening, jobs that don't need some sort of qualification, at times he would get something, but because he is employed not according the law, they refuse to pay or pay him very little and he can't do much about it.
