Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Between Batshyt and Sane
Hello again.... Thank you all once more for your feedback.
Someone said it seems like he hates me.... I agree and it certainly feels that way at times... Or he hates himself that much that he projects it onto me... I'm no Angel trust me, but it seems like the more improvement I make, the more goals I set and achieve, the more overall joy I experience in my world, the nastier he gets....
I noticed a few persons asking/wondering why I stay/put up with/accept abuse, etc.
It's really a very awkward and complicated type of question for me to answer.
1.) I have a past that primed me for this type of difficult disposition in my life and I've only recently become aware of it. All my life others have told me that *I* am the difficult one and thus my focus has been exaggeratedly focused on pleasing others while stuffing down my own needs. (That, and yes, I am certainly difficult myself at times).
2.) I have been told that the behaviors in others that result in my feelings being hurt were an indirect result of my action/inaction/personality and therefore my fault. At first, one really wants to examine and test this theory alongside a strict commitment to fixing what are completely valid unhealthy behaviors within. (I've learned the healthier and more objective/less reactive I am, the more criticisms I receive). I believe it should be the other way around! When I was a terror, my husband loved me endlessly, doted on me, stayed up all night with me... Now that I'm trying to understand and communicate better and I have fewer outbursts, it's as if I have worsened in his opinion? I am more "annoying" and "boring" now. I don't fully understand the dynamic, but I do know it is no longer on me to own his Issues.
3.) Attempts to gain insight by discussing certain issues has had extremely varied reactions; some agreeing with me and some criticizing my interpretations/representation/some feel pity for my husband, and even some suggesting I keep matters to myself. A concurrent effect of reaching out has also lead to being shamed for my indignant and desperate attempts to understand through other's experiences...
I have often wondered why being upset and reaching out nearly always trumped the event that upset me!
4.) Even though I often feel intense pain and rejection from my husband, I wonder, "does this justify a divorce?" "Am I expecting too much"? "Am I too unable to forgive"? Etc. In reading posts here one might believe it is a very obvious and polarized choice... But that*is not the case for me... I have yet to really establish a specific guide or method of determining what would NOT leave me feeling as though I over-reacted or permanently ended what could have been fixed.... I guess. I do believe in keeping reasonable expectations and allowing others their imperfections.... I know people who absolutely demand their spouse be 100% perfect 100% of the time and I cringe for them... I do relate that my husband also mostly treats me this same way, but I can't see myself treating others like that...
To be continued....