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post #16 of 20 (permalink) Old 09-20-2015, 12:32 AM
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Re: How To Respond...

Originally Posted by EverythingU.RNot View Post

Tonight I came home from work, (he had the entire day off). He was immediately displeased to see me. Offered no greetings and seemed irritable. I have him space for a few hours, then attempted to 're-approach' him and was met with an incredibly cold and heartless response... I had asked for affection (hug, kiss, eye contact? Conversation?) And he basically, coldly told me he didn't care for my drama (I was very calm and polite and I asked if I could have some of his time to talk, have quality time).

He said he didn't care about my problems, to go find someone else, and asked me twice "Do you get it? Huh? Do you understand?!" He was very arrogant and condescending...

I left for a friend's house to lick my wounds. It's not the first time he's talked to me like that, and I'm sure it won't be the last....

Other slights he made included telling me I couldn't "cut it" in the "real world" and I needed to get a "real job". (I work for myself and consistently make between $300-$700 a week). I pay bills and expenses equal to our rent, but I'm somehow not doing my part because I don't pay half the rent and I don't work a "real" job.

I'm hurt and losing hope.... :'(
He sounds like he hates you. It must be painful to live with someone who hates you. You are not a puppy who can lick his ankles for a pat on the head. You deserve to be treated with the dignity a human being deserves. You are his wife, not an annoying fly to be swatted away!

Detach, find your own interests, and get away from him so aren't dragged down by his hatefulness.

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post #17 of 20 (permalink) Old 09-21-2015, 10:37 AM
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Re: How To Respond...

Originally Posted by EverythingU.RNot View Post
He said he didn't care about my problems, to go find someone else, and asked me twice "Do you get it? Huh? Do you understand?!" He was very arrogant and condescending...

I left for a friend's house to lick my wounds. It's not the first time he's talked to me like that, and I'm sure it won't be the last....
It could be the last time, if you leave him.

Why do you stay to take this abuse? Do you realize that it is abuse? Do you realize that you don't have to accept it and can walk away from this relationship? Do you realize that you don't deserve this?

Even your H thinks you'd be better off with someone else. Is there a reason why you feel the need to remain married?

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post #18 of 20 (permalink) Old 09-26-2015, 11:06 AM
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Re: How To Respond...

@EverythingU.RNot if you are able to leave this man.. LEAVE HIM in the dust... it's hard to even read what you have been putting up with .. even if some of what he is saying holds some truth....he is giving NOTHING to "work with".. not even the smallest glimpse he cares how you feel.. or what a marriage is meant to be like.. he is cold hearted...just wants left to himself.. give him just that !

Someone who couldn't care less to be bothered should get exactly THAT in life.. we shouldn't waste our time caring for them either.. let them live like a hermit if that's what floats their boat..

Meanwhile you have a life to live.. and enjoy ..

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post #19 of 20 (permalink) Old 10-12-2015, 12:35 AM Thread Starter
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Hello again.... Thank you all once more for your feedback.

Someone said it seems like he hates me.... I agree and it certainly feels that way at times... Or he hates himself that much that he projects it onto me... I'm no Angel trust me, but it seems like the more improvement I make, the more goals I set and achieve, the more overall joy I experience in my world, the nastier he gets....

I noticed a few persons asking/wondering why I stay/put up with/accept abuse, etc.

It's really a very awkward and complicated type of question for me to answer.

1.) I have a past that primed me for this type of difficult disposition in my life and I've only recently become aware of it. All my life others have told me that *I* am the difficult one and thus my focus has been exaggeratedly focused on pleasing others while stuffing down my own needs. (That, and yes, I am certainly difficult myself at times).

2.) I have been told that the behaviors in others that result in my feelings being hurt were an indirect result of my action/inaction/personality and therefore my fault. At first, one really wants to examine and test this theory alongside a strict commitment to fixing what are completely valid unhealthy behaviors within. (I've learned the healthier and more objective/less reactive I am, the more criticisms I receive). I believe it should be the other way around! When I was a terror, my husband loved me endlessly, doted on me, stayed up all night with me... Now that I'm trying to understand and communicate better and I have fewer outbursts, it's as if I have worsened in his opinion? I am more "annoying" and "boring" now. I don't fully understand the dynamic, but I do know it is no longer on me to own his Issues.

3.) Attempts to gain insight by discussing certain issues has had extremely varied reactions; some agreeing with me and some criticizing my interpretations/representation/some feel pity for my husband, and even some suggesting I keep matters to myself. A concurrent effect of reaching out has also lead to being shamed for my indignant and desperate attempts to understand through other's experiences...

I have often wondered why being upset and reaching out nearly always trumped the event that upset me!

4.) Even though I often feel intense pain and rejection from my husband, I wonder, "does this justify a divorce?" "Am I expecting too much"? "Am I too unable to forgive"? Etc. In reading posts here one might believe it is a very obvious and polarized choice... But that*is not the case for me... I have yet to really establish a specific guide or method of determining what would NOT leave me feeling as though I over-reacted or permanently ended what could have been fixed.... I guess. I do believe in keeping reasonable expectations and allowing others their imperfections.... I know people who absolutely demand their spouse be 100% perfect 100% of the time and I cringe for them... I do relate that my husband also mostly treats me this same way, but I can't see myself treating others like that...

To be continued....
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post #20 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-19-2016, 10:44 PM
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Re: How To Respond...

Your husband's Buddhist view of not becoming attached is a bit skewed. I left Christianity for a few years, and during some of that time, I was drawn to Buddhism. It was short lived but what I've learned about it is that Buddhism encourages supportive, loving relationships and marriage. What not becoming attached means in terms of romantic relationships is that we shouldn't seek for another person to complete us, or to fulfill us. Happiness comes from within, and that while we should seek to be loving and supportive to our SO's, they shouldn't become sources of our happiness to the extent that if we were to lose them, we would suffer. Now, we are human, and if we lose our loved ones, we will feel pain and sadness, but Buddhism teaches that we shouldn't become so attached to someone or some thing, that we lose our own happiness in the process. You asking about his day has nothing to do with violating any principles of Buddhism. There is a lot on the internet about Buddhism to help you navigate this, hopefully, this has helped a bit.
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