You Haven't Heard of Any Marriage Like This Before, I'm Sure Of It
Ok, where do I start? My husband and I have been together for about 14 years and we are still still young. He had a rough life...grew up with no parents, was stabbed 10 times in his teens, lived in the world - chasing fortune and fame, was screwed over by past women in his life. So I chose him being the naive girl who once looked at the world with rose colored glasses on.
Twelve years later we found Christ and submitted to him. My husband has very strong faith now but I don't believe he plays his role as a husband for example: he doesn't spend time with our children (maybe twice a month), we have separate bedrooms and he locks his bedroom door when he leaves for work, he is protective over his phone and won't let me see it, he doesn't pay any bills or buy any food for our family (we use the money I earn), he rarely tells me he loves me (maybe a few times a year), we do not have sex often (maybe 5 times a year), he is not affectionate at all, we have never been on a vacation that he has paid for, he leaves our home at like 9 in the morning and doesn't return until like 11 at night, he never watches the kids on his own except a few times for max an hour, he doesn't go to church with us anymore but when he does he will leave us and drive separate sometimes, he makes money but only spends it on his business, he calls our marriage a lie, he doesn't save any money but when he does he spends it, he criticizes and ridicules my weight after just having a baby, he doesn't really tell our kids he loves them, he doesn't build my daughters self-confidence, he never does anything that I would like to do. I could go on and on but I believe you get the picture. I am at the point where I have no patience for him anymore...granted I choose him and decided to marry him and sometimes when I am at my wits end, I ask him to commit adultery so we can end this but I know that is wrong. I do pray for him but it's not consistent enough. He says I need counseling...wtf???I know this is the biggest test of my life to stay in this marriage and it's a challenge. HELP...I am currently looking for a counselor to talk to about our issues but they are scarce where we live so I'm looking for advice on here.
I would just like to state, I do not want to hear any negative feedback about my situation. I know it's bad. I am only on here looking for help and constructive criticism. Please respect that. Thank you)))
Re: You Haven't Heard of Any Marriage Like This Before, I'm Sure Of It
Not to be rude, but what good is positive feedback or help that only suits you? if it's not honest and truthful it cannot help you anyway.
I don't think you want help, you want a miracle and for things to magically get better without having to do the hard stuff. When reality is you are all ready living through the hard awful stuff.
Re: You Haven't Heard of Any Marriage Like This Before, I'm Sure Of It
I have a feeling that anything that might be suggested to you, could be perceived by you as negative feedback if its not something you want to hear.
With that being said, are you looking for people to tell you the truth, but in nice manner? If so I can understand that, BUT lots of things can be perceived wrong when typing on the internet. So remember sometimes its not what another person is saying to you, as it could be how you are perceiving it.
Re: You Haven't Heard of Any Marriage Like This Before, I'm Sure Of It
You're right, he isn't playing the role of a husband in any way, period. He also isn't acting as if he is a Christ follower either. Seems like he has moved away from Christ.
Have you sat down with him and had a heart to heart? Have you told him how it makes you feel when he does or says things that are hurtful? Is he aware how you feel about him not spending much time with you and the kids?
Have you asked him why he leaves at 9am and comes home at 11pm? Is he working? He has for sure disconnected from you all. In your opinion, what do you think is going on with him?
Re: You Haven't Heard of Any Marriage Like This Before, I'm Sure Of It
You are his wife and have a right to know what is going on.
First off you need to get into the room where he stays that he locks. You live in the house, you're paying bills, you have that right, tough if he finds out and it ticks him off.
You also have a right to know where he is and why he is staying out till 11pm after leaving at 9am.
You said you asked him to commit adultery so you could get it all over with? Get whatever over with? Is that the excuses needed to end a not so happy marriage? I also see where you stated that was wrong of you to ask him to do.
So my next question to you is, did you ask him to commit adultery before or after you noticed all these changes in him? The reason I ask is, it seems to me that is probably exactly what is going on.
My suggestion to you is, if he wont come clean on anything and you do want to know, you need to do some things to get to the bottom of it all. If you truly do not want to know what he might be doing or whats going on, then just hand him separation papers and be done with it. If you are looking for him to verbally tell you he is committing adultery, I doubt thats going to happen, I think his actions are speaking loud and clear.
Re: You Haven't Heard of Any Marriage Like This Before, I'm Sure Of It
I think you should leave him. You can't hope to change him. It is a mistake that many people make when they are young. They choose a spouse without having a mature understanding of what characteristics are important in a significant other. Who you choose, is who that person is most likely going to be. If he is selfish now than he will, most likely, be selfish in the future. It is possible for a person to change. But you can't count on it. If your husband has been a jerk this long than he is in the dark. It will take something more than a councilor to change him. And the problem is that nobody knows what it will take to wake him up. And IF YOU DON'T KNOW what it will take to wake him up, than it is better for you to cut your losses and assume that YOU CAN'T WAKE HIM UP. Shoot it might take you leaving him for him to wake up. The important thing is that you SHOULD NOT COUNT ON HIM CHANGING WHO HE IS. Like you said, you are mature enough to make a more measured decision now, and you are the one paying for living expenses. Find somebody else; you're still young. Your husband doesn't need to commit adultery; like he said, your marriage is a lie, therefore it is not spiritually binding so to speak.
So either leave him; plan on staying with him the way he is now; or hope that you can find a way to change him. But I'm telling you that although you can hope, you have to understand that as long as you do not KNOW of a way to change him, than you are essentially deciding that you are willing to stay with him the way he is now. Because that is who he is and that is who you chose to marry.
Re: You Haven't Heard of Any Marriage Like This Before, I'm Sure Of It
Thank you all for your responses. I just asked for no negative feedback (ex: he's an a** or he's a loser). I never said no constructive criticism eve if it's harsh. To me, those are two different things. Thanks for your observations though.
Re: You Haven't Heard of Any Marriage Like This Before, I'm Sure Of It
CallaLily,
Yes, we have had several conversations about those things and he usually turns it all back around to me. He does acknowledge the things he does but it he says it takes a strong woman to endure and be patient. I must admit in many ways he has changed from the person I once knew (for good) but those flaws still remain. My view and why I stay with him is because of the rough life he has endured....and I think how could I just walk away knowing these things but then again I say why do we deserve this. The ONLY reason I have not walked away is because I fear the Lord if we get a divorce and that is why I have not left yet.
When he leaves he is going to his office (our business) which is relatively new and it's pretty much him running it only and I can go there anytime. He is disconnected and in a way I am too but I would never go as far as he has (and that's what makes men - men and women women). After reading everyone's comments it just makes me feel like I should leave but what about God and the Bible. That runs through my mind everytime.
Re: You Haven't Heard of Any Marriage Like This Before, I'm Sure Of It
trey69,
He doesn't think I have a right to know everything that's going on. Some things yes to him but others it's like, why are you questioning everything I do. I can go in the room, I just despise that it's locked. I can easily open it with a screwdriver and he has asked me before but why does it have to be locked. I tell him it bothers me and he will unlock it for some time but then start locking it again. He says it's so our kids don't go in and looking around but I know better. The thing is he is very smart so if he wanted to hide things like cheating or something he has plenty of other places outside the home for that if he chose.
When he stays out, he goes to work for our business. I can go there anytime.
You posted: You said you asked him to commit adultery so you could get it all over with? Get whatever over with? Is that the excuses needed to end a not so happy marriage? I also see where you stated that was wrong of you to ask him to do.
My response: In my mind at the time, yes which I know was wrong.
I am taking what you say into consideration but answer me this: What about the promise I made to God. How can I separate with no proof of adultery? I fear the Lord and that's why I have not ended this. Then I look at if I ever want to get married again if I left, I would make that person an adulterer. I am trying to deal with our issues from a biblical view not a worldly view....if it was a worldly view, I would undeniably be gone. Sometimes I ask God for direction and I get the urge to stay but I am not 100% convinced that's God or my own self....but do I want to suffer the repercussions of getting a divorce???? I'm so torn.
Re: You Haven't Heard of Any Marriage Like This Before, I'm Sure Of It
kidcanman,
Thanks for your feedback. I am not looking to change him, only God can do that with a willing heart which he doesn't seem to have at the moment. I am definitely contemplating what you said and even starting to prepare in case I choose that decision. I will ask the LOrd whether it is right or not. I am afraid to disappoint God and I fear the wrath that will come if we decide to divorce so maybe we can do a separation and see how it goes but I haven't left yet because of God and the promise I made in my vows. I take that extremely seriously otherwise, I would have been gone.
You said: They choose a spouse without having a mature understanding of what characteristics are important in a significant other.
My response: OMG, YES, and words to live by and that's why sometimes I try to justify in my mind if it's okay to leave because when we married, I was a lost soul. I did not know the Lord. I did not allow him to choose my mate for me with awesome qualities. I just followed my weak heart.
The thing is he was being counseled in secret (by my mother which I later found out) and when he was going there was a remarkable change. He was better than I've ever know him but since he stopped going bc he works so much he goes back to some of those past ways....so I stay optimistic that he will return and he has agreed as long as I go for myself (as he states).
I think you may be right when you say it may be better for me to leave and he may change bc I do know for sure I am being taken for granted.
So, my question to you is: How do you address me fearing God to end this marriage? That is pretty much the biggest reason I stay. I'm curious to hear.
Re: You Haven't Heard of Any Marriage Like This Before, I'm Sure Of It
kymbree
I wish I was but that's not even everything...I just feel like this is the biggest test that God has given me and I am trying to endure and I don't want to fail him by leaving. Him being GOD. I often think of the sacrifice that Christ had to endure for us and that makes me think that I can stay even though things are bad. But the glory comes from my patience and my endurance...I don't know
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You Haven't Heard of Any Marriage Like This Before, I'm Sure Of It 
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