Separated and Waiting on husband or God?
I've posted on other parts of the Forum but thought I'd specifically come here as a Christian. Through pain my faith increases and I am so very grateful.
Brief: It's my second marriage that is almost 3 years old. My first lasted 25 years to a person that was loyal, honest, and an overall good man. Yes, he wanted the divorce and later I found out he has an EA but that was the last year or so. Overall, we enjoyed stability and friendship while raising our kids.
I dated my now husband for 3 years. His life had been unstable to drug use (Meth) but he admitted to this and said he has been sober for 10+ at that point. I believed him and saw no behaviors otherwise. I saw a few yellow flags-some selfishness in areas but yet he was very generous and loving.
We married, after 3 years, and he relapsed 6 months later. I kicked him out of the house and 2 weeks later said "I was moving on." He walked in to his work HR and said "I need help." He was humble and brave. He went to rehab (first time) and started working a program.
He works 12 hours as a shift worker with lots of overtime. The overtime increased over time. He began having migraines that were uncontrolled by medications and many ER visits to abort them. He was out of work for 3 months in 2015. I arranged for a specialist, out of town, and she recommended counseling as a top priority due to his history (lack of relationship with his children, etc). She knew this could be a trigger. So he did. He had no other choice really. He enjoyed counseling and still goes to this day. He then had ED problems as the marriage progressed. This was a difficult time.
At the end of 2015, he was working daily for months as a time, with minimal time off. There was no balance in his life. I suggested to maybe seek another position, at some point, in the same company. He was drinking and it had increased at that point. I was not happy. Who is when they are married but doing most things as a single person. He was defensive and upset that I mentioned another job as if I was unappreciative. We went around a few times, I decided to drop it. His identity was about "providing" just like his fathers was..
After 2.5 months of this long shift we had a 3 week vacation planned to Hawaii. He's excited. I am praying that we can get in quality time and connect. Perhaps make plans for a future that is less work and more relationship oriented.
We are both Christians. He has put work and money above everything. He was attending church with me, when possible; reading the Bible; listening to sermons to/from work on the radio up to vacation.
Then we went on vacation. After one week, I left him at the condo and said "I am leaving!" I spend one week attempting to connect but he was really agitated...underlying anger I could see. Even the "fun" things has this edge. My best friend lives in Hawaii and the few times she said she felt irritable around him. She has the gift of spiritual discernment. I was in such pain, that first week. He was usually loving but he was so intense and he was always "needing a drink."
I left (later I apologized) and it was the first time in our relationship that had occurred. I can handle alot. He refused to talk; text etc for the remained of the 10 days we had left. I had attempted, before I walked out, to reconcile and talk. He was like "WHAT do you want to talk about!! (HUFF)" He refused to do anything different. I told him what I was looking for..."a hug, a lets figure things out, etc." He couldn't do it.
I found out, a few days later (via phone records/bank account) that he immediately called escorts for meth and sex. FYI: Meth you don't need Viagra...he was out to erase me and prove himself. A days after that, he met a woman traveling with her family to do "fun" things with....I contacted her to let her know he was married but the end of his stay. She apologized and backed off. He then called the escorts again.
We made it home. We are separated. He was angry and in denial of everything other than "you walked out." However, I pointed out that I took responsibility for that he he took none.
Gosh this is long! Sorry.
I am struggling as a Christian wife. Wanting to "stand still" as God whispered in my ear in Hawaii. I am praying and fasting. He filed for a divorce a few weeks, after our return.. on Dec 11. He was adminant about getting his stuff; wedding ring etc. He was angry or sad. I did no contact unless it was business. I didn't want any of his drama. I don't think he's using meth at home. He doesn't drink when he uses meth. He's drinking here.
Now, he wants to reach out and say "how said he is...how he sorry this has happened." Still not humble. I know what I am looking for as far as repentance. I never contact him.
The last call was "I don't know if we can work things out." I suggested that unless both parties are 100% invested than don't bother. There is no guarantee. He is ashamed and overwhelmed of course.
I know that only God can turn this around. It's between my husband and God. I am staying out of it. However, I am not sure if I should prompt my husband to follow through with the divorce. He's doing it himself and need to turn in my paperwork that I had notarized. He hasn't yet and that's holding it up.
There isn't much for me to do. However, I am torn if I should prompt him to finish it up (divorce papers) or let him go at his whim. Only by God's grace can this marriage be saved. I am not willing to have things go back as they were.