Separated and Waiting on husband or God? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 26 (permalink) Old 01-22-2016, 01:49 PM Thread Starter
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Separated and Waiting on husband or God?

I've posted on other parts of the Forum but thought I'd specifically come here as a Christian. Through pain my faith increases and I am so very grateful.

Brief: It's my second marriage that is almost 3 years old. My first lasted 25 years to a person that was loyal, honest, and an overall good man. Yes, he wanted the divorce and later I found out he has an EA but that was the last year or so. Overall, we enjoyed stability and friendship while raising our kids.

I dated my now husband for 3 years. His life had been unstable to drug use (Meth) but he admitted to this and said he has been sober for 10+ at that point. I believed him and saw no behaviors otherwise. I saw a few yellow flags-some selfishness in areas but yet he was very generous and loving.

We married, after 3 years, and he relapsed 6 months later. I kicked him out of the house and 2 weeks later said "I was moving on." He walked in to his work HR and said "I need help." He was humble and brave. He went to rehab (first time) and started working a program.

He works 12 hours as a shift worker with lots of overtime. The overtime increased over time. He began having migraines that were uncontrolled by medications and many ER visits to abort them. He was out of work for 3 months in 2015. I arranged for a specialist, out of town, and she recommended counseling as a top priority due to his history (lack of relationship with his children, etc). She knew this could be a trigger. So he did. He had no other choice really. He enjoyed counseling and still goes to this day. He then had ED problems as the marriage progressed. This was a difficult time.

At the end of 2015, he was working daily for months as a time, with minimal time off. There was no balance in his life. I suggested to maybe seek another position, at some point, in the same company. He was drinking and it had increased at that point. I was not happy. Who is when they are married but doing most things as a single person. He was defensive and upset that I mentioned another job as if I was unappreciative. We went around a few times, I decided to drop it. His identity was about "providing" just like his fathers was..

After 2.5 months of this long shift we had a 3 week vacation planned to Hawaii. He's excited. I am praying that we can get in quality time and connect. Perhaps make plans for a future that is less work and more relationship oriented.

We are both Christians. He has put work and money above everything. He was attending church with me, when possible; reading the Bible; listening to sermons to/from work on the radio up to vacation.

Then we went on vacation. After one week, I left him at the condo and said "I am leaving!" I spend one week attempting to connect but he was really agitated...underlying anger I could see. Even the "fun" things has this edge. My best friend lives in Hawaii and the few times she said she felt irritable around him. She has the gift of spiritual discernment. I was in such pain, that first week. He was usually loving but he was so intense and he was always "needing a drink."

I left (later I apologized) and it was the first time in our relationship that had occurred. I can handle alot. He refused to talk; text etc for the remained of the 10 days we had left. I had attempted, before I walked out, to reconcile and talk. He was like "WHAT do you want to talk about!! (HUFF)" He refused to do anything different. I told him what I was looking for..."a hug, a lets figure things out, etc." He couldn't do it.

I found out, a few days later (via phone records/bank account) that he immediately called escorts for meth and sex. FYI: Meth you don't need Viagra...he was out to erase me and prove himself. A days after that, he met a woman traveling with her family to do "fun" things with....I contacted her to let her know he was married but the end of his stay. She apologized and backed off. He then called the escorts again.

We made it home. We are separated. He was angry and in denial of everything other than "you walked out." However, I pointed out that I took responsibility for that he he took none.

Gosh this is long! Sorry.

I am struggling as a Christian wife. Wanting to "stand still" as God whispered in my ear in Hawaii. I am praying and fasting. He filed for a divorce a few weeks, after our return.. on Dec 11. He was adminant about getting his stuff; wedding ring etc. He was angry or sad. I did no contact unless it was business. I didn't want any of his drama. I don't think he's using meth at home. He doesn't drink when he uses meth. He's drinking here.

Now, he wants to reach out and say "how said he is...how he sorry this has happened." Still not humble. I know what I am looking for as far as repentance. I never contact him.

The last call was "I don't know if we can work things out." I suggested that unless both parties are 100% invested than don't bother. There is no guarantee. He is ashamed and overwhelmed of course.

I know that only God can turn this around. It's between my husband and God. I am staying out of it. However, I am not sure if I should prompt my husband to follow through with the divorce. He's doing it himself and need to turn in my paperwork that I had notarized. He hasn't yet and that's holding it up.

There isn't much for me to do. However, I am torn if I should prompt him to finish it up (divorce papers) or let him go at his whim. Only by God's grace can this marriage be saved. I am not willing to have things go back as they were.

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post #2 of 26 (permalink) Old 01-22-2016, 02:18 PM
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Re: Separated and Waiting on husband or God?

I thought Christians aren't supposed to divorce because it's a sin.
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post #3 of 26 (permalink) Old 01-22-2016, 03:04 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Separated and Waiting on husband or God?

As Christians we are all sinners! However, in the Bible there is an allowance regarding adultery. God hates divorce!
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post #4 of 26 (permalink) Old 01-22-2016, 03:09 PM
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Re: Separated and Waiting on husband or God?

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I thought Christians aren't supposed to divorce because it's a sin.
This is not helpful.

OP, I don't really have any advice, just letting you know I feel for you. He sounds like a very difficult person to have a marriage with, and he cheated on you. Divorce seems to be logical here.

If you truly love someone you want that person to have the freedom to become everything they seek. You want your partner to soar, not to imprison them. - Pluto2
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post #5 of 26 (permalink) Old 01-22-2016, 06:27 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Separated and Waiting on husband or God?

Secondtime...he is a really loving person, fun, and attentive when he is home. Having been married such a short time and to have so many issues....doesn't leave me with any hope. The only hope is a significant change that only Christ offers...if my husband receives.

I haven't heard much from him..usually when he works nights and weekends, is when he will call or text.
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post #6 of 26 (permalink) Old 01-22-2016, 06:38 PM
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Re: Separated and Waiting on husband or God?

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As Christians we are all sinners! However, in the Bible there is an allowance regarding adultery. God hates divorce!
He also really hates adultery.

I would let him go.
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post #7 of 26 (permalink) Old 01-22-2016, 08:55 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Separated and Waiting on husband or God?

Yes, Conan...he does. I do too! Technically, I have no choice but to do so. I have been gradually detaching. Tomorrow, I made up my mind to close the last joint account (mine/he never touched/with a few dollars).

I am fasting until the end of the month. If I don't see movement on the divorce, I will prompt it and no longer wait for him to turn in the last bit of paperwork.

The amount of effort that I put into this short marriage is unbelievable. If he would have put the same amount of effort that he puts into his work; of acting out...I wouldn't be on TAM.
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post #8 of 26 (permalink) Old 01-22-2016, 09:23 PM
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Re: Separated and Waiting on husband or God?

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I thought Christians aren't supposed to divorce because it's a sin.
They can if there is infidelity and he was sleeping with escorts! God never asked us to be doormats!
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post #9 of 26 (permalink) Old 01-22-2016, 09:27 PM
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Re: Separated and Waiting on husband or God?

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Yes, Conan...he does. I do too! Technically, I have no choice but to do so. I have been gradually detaching. Tomorrow, I made up my mind to close the last joint account (mine/he never touched/with a few dollars).

I am fasting until the end of the month. If I don't see movement on the divorce, I will prompt it and no longer wait for him to turn in the last bit of paperwork.

The amount of effort that I put into this short marriage is unbelievable. If he would have put the same amount of effort that he puts into his work; of acting out...I wouldn't be on TAM.
Read :Waiting for his Heart by Joy McClain. Her H was an alcoholic and did terrible things including abandoning the family. It may encourage you. Remember 'with Him all things are possible"
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post #10 of 26 (permalink) Old 01-23-2016, 05:17 AM
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Re: Separated and Waiting on husband or God?

Have you heard Joyce Meyer preach? She has some very good sermons on being able to forgive, but not allowing yourself to be mistreated again.

ie - I forgive you for treating me like crap, and I refuse to allow you to treat me like that in the future. Whether or not that means divorce is up to you.

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post #11 of 26 (permalink) Old 01-23-2016, 01:19 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Separated and Waiting on husband or God?

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Read :Waiting for his Heart by Joy McClain. Her H was an alcoholic and did terrible things including abandoning the family. It may encourage you. Remember 'with Him all things are possible"
Thank you! I downloaded it on my kindle and read it. Very inspirational for sure. I know many/most would not be able to withstand the limbo and would have moved on (divorce). I felt it was really about centering your relationship with God. That is what I hope to continue doing....
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post #12 of 26 (permalink) Old 01-23-2016, 01:21 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Separated and Waiting on husband or God?

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Have you heard Joyce Meyer preach? She has some very good sermons on being able to forgive, but not allowing yourself to be mistreated again.

ie - I forgive you for treating me like crap, and I refuse to allow you to treat me like that in the future. Whether or not that means divorce is up to you.

Yes, I have! She is very good. The good news is I have forgiven him and don't hold any anger. I expect more from him than what we had prior. However, I am not sure how long to wait if at all.
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post #13 of 26 (permalink) Old 01-23-2016, 01:37 PM
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Re: Separated and Waiting on husband or God?

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Yes, I have! She is very good. The good news is I have forgiven him and don't hold any anger. I expect more from him than what we had prior. However, I am not sure how long to wait if at all.
As its been said on TAM before, you have to be willing to lose a marriage in order to save it. Don't be a plan B to his addictions, always waiting for him to come back to you.
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post #14 of 26 (permalink) Old 01-23-2016, 01:53 PM
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Re: Separated and Waiting on husband or God?

He has returned to drugs, and also could endanger your life with STDs. The minimum he did was put your health at risk. You know that God allows divorce in the case of adultery. If he doesn't finish filing the paperwork, can you do it yourself?

I'm sorry he went back to his addictions. They are very powerful, yet God is stronger still. Your husband is not fully walking in his faith, and that is on him, not on you, or on God.

You are in a good place, not being willing to go back to the marriage as it was. Lean on God, He will carry you.
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post #15 of 26 (permalink) Old 01-23-2016, 04:09 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Separated and Waiting on husband or God?

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He has returned to drugs, and also could endanger your life with STDs. The minimum he did was put your health at risk. You know that God allows divorce in the case of adultery. If he doesn't finish filing the paperwork, can you do it yourself?

I'm sorry he went back to his addictions. They are very powerful, yet God is stronger still. Your husband is not fully walking in his faith, and that is on him, not on you, or on God.

You are in a good place, not being willing to go back to the marriage as it was. Lean on God, He will carry you.

Yes...he endangered both of us for sure. As far as I can tell, when we got back he didn't use anymore (for a variety of reasons I can tell). However, did continue drinking.

Its so hard to give up on a marriage, even though it seems your partner has...I will not be a plan B. I ask myself..how long do I wait? Do I wait? Yes, I can prompt-turn in the sheet/paperwork that's missing. Our 60 day wait period-for our state-isn't up until Feb 11.
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