Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.

Interfaith marriage: christian fundamentalist spouse

22K views 97 replies 17 participants last post by  2ntnuf 
#1 ·
Hello,

I am looking for some help and some external point of view as I am very down...
My wife is christian and I am buddhist. When we met 8 years ago, and none of us was deeply religious.

Since January this year, my wife met another woman who is an evangelical christian. She started to attend church with her new friend and very quickly went very deeply in this religious revival. She started lecturing me and tried to convert me; I was listening patiently (most of the time!), but I was not interested.

The TV started to be tuned to god channel and the likes. Christianity invaded our household day and night. Everything, big or small, was either the mark of god or of the devil. Bad weather, murders reported on TV, every piece of news was a sign of the end of times. To my opinion, she became negative, arrogant in her faith, blind to simple explanations of "miracles" and above all absolutist. She detained the Truth, it's not that she was believing in something, or that she believed she knew the truth, she was simply assessing (quite vehemently by the way) "this is the Truth and everything else is false".

Over the years, on my side, I also went more deeply into buddhism, although it is was a much slower process for me. Shortly after my wife became fanatically, I started to attend a vihara (theravada buddhist place of service). I also on my side went deeper into my faith.

We have a lovely daughter who is 6 years old now. My wife bought some books for her, and I had no problem reading these little christian books to her. I believe in freedom, and I always thought that our daugter would learn from both of us and make her own choice later in life.

My wife decided to attend a chrisian seminar this week-end, which means that I will have to look after our daughter this week-end. Yesterday we had a benign telephone conversation, and I mentioned that I will bring our daughter to the vihara. 5 minutes later, I called her for some other things, and she told me that she wouldn't like that I bring our daughter there.

That was a shock to me. I always considered obvious that, being a buddhist, it would only be natural for me to talk to my daughter about it. I felt it was intolerant from her to say that to me... I think for all these months I just closed my mind to the fact that my wife was becoming more and more intolerant and close minded, and this simple phrase opened my eyes in quite a brutal way.

That evening, I brought the subject back after her daughter was fast asleep. She tells me that I am the father of the child, so I can teach her my religion if I wish, but that would bring her to hell. Myself I would go to hell if don't give my life to Jesus. This is the Truth, etc. etc. I then said that I think that in a couple with 2 different religions, each parent is free to teach the child about his/her faith, and then the child is free to chose whatever he/she wants later on in life. She didn't like that and told me that god will anyway bring her child back.

I now feel very stressed and distressed... I thought about it the whole day, and honestly, I can't think of living the rest of my whole life in such a relationship. The biggest problem to me is her absolutism: "this is the Truth". It closes any discussion, and closes minds. I feel like she is on a high pedestal lecturing me, I feel we are not equal footed. I reckognise her legitimacy to believe what she believes, but I feel she is not giving me the same. Being equal is fundamental in a couple... But at least there is still some sort of respect.

We are searching for a 2nd child for a few years now, but she has some fertility problems. Now, I don't think I want anymore children with her...
If it was not for our daughter, I would seriously think about divorcing... I love my daughter so much, divorcing now would break her, I would be ready to endure a few more years for her...

I would appreciate your comments, as I am very much confused, I don't know what to do or what to think... Am I making a fuss about it, or am I right to feel so stressed and desperate? Would it be unfair to tell my wife I don't want children anymore?

Thank you so much for your help, and sorry for the length of the post!
 
See less See more
#47 ·
Well mate, in response to your recent discussion with your wife; she must be made to question but in my opinion you've only won half the fight; Praising God for healing people is harmless, though yes I do wonder if she also accepts how "pagan" spiritual leaders heal people too hehe ("What?! No! Demons must have healed them! Because they are not Christian healers!" :rofl:)

Still, the best way to deal with this issue is to speak her language;
Christian language. Not the science language. The science language will go in one ear and out the other without Christian input. Your wife most certainly already knows about science, and you must sow the seeds (as you have done), give her questions, but still encourage her faith enough for her to question on her own accord (more on that below...), her problem is the blindfold that she places around her eyes willingly.

She can't be made to see if you don't talk her language, it will only shut her eyes more and she will go "no! I must not listen! The devil is tricking me! I must have faith!" :rofl: She's stuck living in fear! Heh, if she must have faith, then let her know she should have more faith instead of being so afraid of question!
 
#49 ·
She can't be made to see if you don't talk her language, it will only shut her eyes more and she will go "no! I must not listen! The devil is tricking me! I must have faith!" :rofl:
That's exactly it. In fact, she already constructed her defense: "when you turn sincerily to jesus, you get attacked by the devil from all sides". Locks has been planted to prevent rational thinking or taking a bit of distance with one's beliefs...

Heck, I hope you understand this, in this issue you can't be too blunt, but you must be very precise and careful like performing surgery on her head; have to be specific, and using the right tools for the job.
I think I understand. This is a touchy task!

Best regards
 
#48 ·
Not to mention that Christianity is supposed to be a relationship between one and God, what kind of relationship is it when one is afraid to ask God for revelations? Tell her that. The funny thing is many times when comparing my wife's intepretation of the bible compared to other Christian teachings; they are still quite similar.

Heck, I hope you understand this, in this issue you can't be too blunt, but you must be very precise and careful like performing surgery on her head; have to be specific, and using the right tools for the job.
 
#50 ·
One thing that comes to mind here is which particular sect of Christianity is she part of? My ELCA church and my uncle's Missouri Synod church, in spite of both being labeled Lutheran and Christian, have lots of areas of disagreement.
There are sects that believe that Revelation is written in code to the believers of its time. There are those which believe it is a prediction of our times. And probably everything in between. We're all Christians because we believe in Christ, the Son of God, but we really, really, disagree on the details. And, when we disagree, we tend to split. (Which beats, ya know, killing the heretics, right?) Knowing which particular group you're dealing with, down to the details, is going to be useful to you.
 
#51 · (Edited)
One thing that comes to mind here is which particular sect of Christianity is she part of? My ELCA church and my uncle's Missouri Synod church, in spite of both being labeled Lutheran and Christian, have lots of areas of disagreement.
There are sects that believe that Revelation is written in code to the believers of its time. There are those which believe it is a prediction of our times. And probably everything in between. We're all Christians because we believe in Christ, the Son of God, but we really, really, disagree on the details. And, when we disagree, we tend to split. (Which beats, ya know, killing the heretics, right?) Knowing which particular group you're dealing with, down to the details, is going to be useful to you.
I dont whether to call this quote sad, hilarious, ridiculous, pathetic, or.....eh.....(politically correct version), "off the mark."

WE "are [NOT] all Christians because we believe in Christ" for even the devils "believe" in Jesus, and KNOW his authority rules anywhere/anytime HE says so (dont believe me? ask the "pigs")
Christian are those who believe, understand, and OBEY Him when
He gives direction/instructions! And the fruit will show it!

Notice i wrote the name, Jesus; not a minor detail as it is His
name (more accurately, Yeshua). Christ means annointed, and
is not a name, per se, for Him. (look up the Greek & Hebrew, for it goes even deeper/bigger than that/this)

But if u are a "christian" sameold, why then do u "advise" a buddhist & his interests vs a "sisters" interests which should be same as yours, as pertains to "the way, the truth, & the life"?
(not to mention little details such as conversion, unequal yoking,
etc)

And what do u base yer opinion/advise on? Mettas version (buddhist)? what about W's version of the story? maybe
she's not as "extreme" as he portrays her. this is true of many
posts here i know, but if u r truly a christian, u sholuld be aware
of these things beforehand.

Now give us 25 hail mary's, and eat some lousy species of fish
this friday as due penance for your transgressions, sameold.
(someold humor; hope yer english/american/westernized enuff
to get i am joking with ya, this part anyhew)

shalom.....
 
#52 ·
I'm very sure that what Sameold was trying to say is that even if all christians believe that Jesus is their lord and saviour; many Christians disagree with each other's denomination/sect/beliefs/etc.

If you read his/her previous sentence:
There are sects that believe that Revelation is written in code to the believers of its time. There are those which believe it is a prediction of our times. And probably everything in between.
In other words; you may have one interpretation of the bible, another may have another, but both may still follow the basic principles of love and forgiveness. As for him giving advice to a buddhist, what's wrong with that?
 
#53 ·
uh, gee, tks for explaining other pts w/in his post, RD; my reading comprehensions working
just fine on this one tho'. how bout yours? (dddduh, i got his pt
on sects, u didnt on the dddddetails, eh?)

Ddddddid u comprehend what i took issue with? its just alittle more complicated than GENERALISTIC advice, as u SIMPLY stated.

Just a little, mind u.

a little.

comprende'? a little?

:rolleyes:
 
#55 ·
Metta, many christians these days reject being considered affliated with a sect it seems. The members of the missus' church in particular encourage each other to reject "Pentecostal"/"Protestant" etc titles, but instead encourage their members to use just their Church's name or just "Christian".

It doesn't mean they have no affliation or titles, they just don't seem to like being considered as such. In other words, her "independence" may be an illusion. However, if not, then you indeed have a higher chance of helping her through this phase in her life; as if she truly thinks for herself instead of being sheep, she may wake up eventually during her own spiritual journey.
 
#57 ·
Yesterday, there was another "healing session" at home. She telephoned a friend of hers, apparently ill according to what I overheard.
It's quite interesting to witness how it goes. It's essentially chanting and prayers, and as time passes, it becomes stronger and louder. They enter a sort of trance, praying is now so loud it's impossible to miss it wherever you are in the house. I am quite sure our neighbours benefit from it as well. I was upstairs reading a story to our daughter before going to sleep, I don't know if she was able to hear anything!
What I find interesting is that to me, it looks like a sort of ancient (or should I say pagan? - sorry RandomDude!) ritual. It's just that instead of invoking the forces of nature or some deity, you invoke the holy spirit and jesus... Obviously one is utterly evil while the other is as pure as can be. Interestingly, the form looks rather similar! :rofl:
I also overheard some prayers to those who haven't yet open their eyes to the Truth! :rofl:
 
#59 ·
Speaking in tongues? Heh yes, the missus does get into her rituals with her christian friends from time to time too, it's no problem - unless of course she decides to play "crusader" against me though heh

It's just one aspect of spirituality; different forms of meditation and enlightenment :) But unlike "pagans" I guess you're right, fundies have no respect for other forms of spirituality - I wonder if you have overheard your wife and her friends praying for you yourself to convert - it's rather quite amusing to listen. In the end I told her it's her god's will not hers that will win out - her own teachings. That's the best way to deal with it.
 
#60 ·
It's just one aspect of spirituality; different forms of meditation and enlightenment :) But unlike "pagans" I guess you're right, fundies have no respect for other forms of spirituality - I wonder if you have overheard your wife and her friends praying for you yourself to convert - it's rather quite amusing to listen. In the end I told her it's her god's will not hers that will win out - her own teachings. That's the best way to deal with it.
I did overhear such things. That makes me laugh, but I need to refrain from laughing, it might hurt some people! :rofl:
Interestingly enough, when she speaks to her friends, she says "we should not hate our wifes/husbands, we should hate the devil who is manipulating them"! :rofl:
That's a thin line to me... But generally speaking, I think their line between ultimate good and ultimate evil (and remember there is nothing in between) is very thin indeed, especially when events are justified by supernatural reasons...
 
#61 ·
Heh it's hard not to laugh mate, and it's good to be able to find humor in it - it maintains one's sanity! :rofl: The white/black teachings of Christianity never agreed with me really either, considering what I learnt over the years since childhood. But I guess you must remember having faith/prayer isn't all that bad, only when they impose on others.

As for me, unlike most people, is that over the years I realised there's no real good or evil, only action and consequence. Yet I found it's simply better to be a decent and honorable bloke for a better life, better friends, better respect - and not having to worry about looking over your shoulder half the time.
 
#63 ·
#62 ·
I don't even believe in Karma! Which makes some people suspicious of me simply because my moral compass is entirely of my own design, my faith also allows me to believe in anything or nothing at all - it's rather liquidy. Sometimes I also question the real integrity of people who try to be good only out of fear of the unknown!

I don't pray or wait for miracles either. But in truth, it's actually a good to have someone who is opposite in this regard; one who has "faith" so to speak. I remember the times when I've always been stressed/worried/paranoid, and it's comforting to have someone has a "blindfold" over her eyes to tell you everything is going to be alright. Many times, it turns out she's quite right. One's a realist and the other the optomist heh, or as they say, a pessimist is what an optomist calls; a realist!
 
#65 ·
I went to my weekly course yesterday evening. After the course, there are sometimes some informal discussions, and one student asked the monk what we could do when someone is ill. For example, christians can pray, etc.
The monk (that's 13 years he his a monk and spent most of his life in Sri Lanka) answered that they do paritta chanting. Apparently that's quite efficient; he did that a number of times in Sri Lanka with terminally ill people, where doctors said they just have a few days to live. With paritta chanting some of these people got up and recovered very quickly.

After so many years, I am discovering new aspects of buddhism! :smthumbup:

That also reminds me of a book I once read, written by a senior Burmese monk. He also witnessed a Westerner who came to his monastery and who healed himself from a very serious illness through intense meditation.
 
#69 ·
There was a Chinese pastor on godtv talking about self-righteous people, and the fact that they hurt others, they are difficult to get along with and that generally speaking those people need to work on themselves.

I was accidentally watching this and my wife said that what the pastor was saying is true, and she is working on it.
I was amazed! I thought "that's incredible she is saying that!" I told her that I encourage her on that point. Then she quickly added "but it's not regarding religion".
All right, I was back to planet Earth, things are perfectly normal...

That's quite amazing that people like my wife can see a behaviour or mindset as undesirable and to be "worked on", as long as it does not concern religion...
Like if it is not with the same brain the religious thing goes through...
I could almost hear her sub-conscious shouting "don't open your eyes, don't open your eyes!"

But maybe a seed has been planted, as RD would say! ;)
 
#71 ·
Total thread jack metta, sorry.

My H was secular jewish and me secular christian. (Our families came from those religions, we followed the cultural observations but were not religious)

After two decades, my H started cheating on me and became a buddhist though he continues to cheat. I think it props up his cheating cause 'suffering is unavoidable in life'....
and
his mistress grew up hindu and is now on the buddhist path with him

No, they are not truly buddhist. They just read about it and meditate and go on trips to be with buddhists on their retreats.

LOL.

That is all I am saying as I thread jack.

People can change and hopefully your wife and you can transcend this difference somehow!
 
#72 ·
Hi Chattycathy,

Total thread jack metta, sorry.

My H was secular jewish and me secular christian. (Our families came from those religions, we followed the cultural observations but were not religious)

After two decades, my H started cheating on me and became a buddhist though he continues to cheat. I think it props up his cheating cause 'suffering is unavoidable in life'....
and
his mistress grew up hindu and is now on the buddhist path with him

No, they are not truly buddhist. They just read about it and meditate and go on trips to be with buddhists on their retreats.
One can hardly say (s)he is a buddhist without taking the 5 precepts: no killing, no stealing, no sexual misconduct, no lying, no intoxicant (alcohol, etc)
The third precept especially includes adultery, so you can tell him about that!
Generally speaking, a buddhist will try his/her best to avoid hurting others, and having an affair definitely does not fall into that category!

Good luck!
 
#77 · (Edited)
its possible...but then, as anti-christs, how'd u know?

ah...the neverending argument(s) of beamers pointing
out the specks and vice versa.

suffice it to say, we all will get what we deserve (have sown) in our lives. period.

u can come here and bash chrisitians/christianity/Jesus all u want but, in the end....there can only be one left standing in
the presence of a Most Holy, Most Righteous God; and that ONE is Jesus. period.

u are either "in Him and He in you" or u are not. period.

i pray & i know you'll EAT yer words, yer attitudes, one day
soon, or one day many yrs (too long) from now (you'll see).

i declare this not in contempt per se, nor in judgement, for that
is for God (notice the capitalization pls; = respect; which means u display disrespect even for HIM...how foolish can u be?) to render. for indeed, it is possible, i stress possible, that
the lake of fire as its known can be a never ending continual classroom in which WE all shall learn what we need to move on
to God's glory for us to participate in, whatever/however HE deems that participation to be; be it reincarnation, or a 900 year continuance of yer miserable lives to finally/fully learn. (but that is another long discussion in another thread)

i.e., u will lose yer mates, your homes, your health, whatever it takes for God to get thru to you re: Yeshua Ha'Meshiach, IF
God so wills it/allows it to be in this life, next one, as a person, as an animal or as a who knows what as there's NO LIMITS to what God can do (only u, delaying? the inevitable)

OR...yer wives, lives, locales will overwhelm u with their Love walk/growth/developments that, u will be overcome with what
they've (& God) been trying to tell/show/teach u all along with
their continued service & forebearance of you and yer sarcastic heathen stubborness as reflected here & in life, no doubt.

Sure, they'll have some growing to do as well but, all the more
for you to "marvel" at (apparently incapable now but alas...future tense here) when u see/perceive their "developments" before yer very "eyes".

u can only "hide" for so long & commiserate with "fools" for so
long till even YOUR harvest time arrives, and there'll be no one
to prop u up including buddhas gold statue.

and yes, yer spirits "KNOW this to be coming" (tks metta for the reminder/insight/quote...) sooner for some than others. i "see" yer hidden, trembling selves already cowering before Jesus.

Honor the Father and kiss the Son, all ye who are faithful. for Jeus is still in Love mode, and accepting all who are accepting of Him. So is our ABBA, who glorified Him and HIMSELF with Jesus' ministry & testimony while here on earth & in His ascension. there is still "time" left for you, but the hr glass is running short.

He who has the Son, has the Father also.....

selah.
 
#79 ·
Re: its possible...but then, as anti-christs, how'd u know?

Well, c45...

I feel this post is full of venom and hatred from your own self. I must have hurt it somehow...

I have nothing to comment on, I'll just extract what I think is the most relevant side of your personality.
i pray & i know you'll EAT yer words, yer attitudes
That says it all... and makes me sad :(

Best regards anyway
 
#81 ·
Hi RD,

I will be sponsoring a buddhist service in a couple weeks for my brother who unfortunately died about 5 weeks ago in a car accident... I told her about that about 4 days ago and that I wanted our daughter to come with me. That was initially a problem to her...

We had another conversation a couple of days ago. I actually bought and played a DVD on the life of the Buddha (from a historical/archeological point of view). She was quite interested!
Later in the evening, we talked about our respective religions in a peaceful way. I think she is calming down a bit (and me too!)

She told me she would like to come with me to help me out (I am supposed to bring and serve some refreshements to the people who attend the service), but she can't.
I challenged her on that point, saying that she can just sit without participating; in that case, she is not condoning the ceremony. If she still have problems, this means she is governed by fear. She said it's not fear and went into some convoluted explanations which can be summarized like this: it's a bit like she is taking the risk of creating a breach in her mind and this might give satan an opportunity...
Well, that sounds like fear to me, but anyway... It might be that she would take the risk of opening up her mind a bit... Everything depends on how one looks at things.
At least, buddhists are not considered as evil satanic idolatric worshippers! :rofl:

Yesterday, she apparently thought about it and told me that she might come with me to help me out! She still said that if she comes (which is far from certain), she will have to say to everyone that she is christian!
:rofl:
Anyway... how to embarass people with your own self-created problems! :rolleyes:

We are progressing in the right direction, apparently!
 
#82 ·
A bit off-topic from the OP, but my wife told me yesterday evening that she had an affair 3 years ago with a complete stranger...
I was completely shocked as that would have been the last thing I would have expected from her. If there was one thing where I trusted her 100%, that was fidelity. Eventually, she decided to reveal her secret instead of living a lie.
She was very contrived and extremely sorry. She was not even able to speak initially, she had to text me the news. I forgave her, but told her that the 2nd time I will not be able to forgive. She said how stupid she had been and that she will never do such a thing again, that she is so ashamed, etc. I have to admit she is less subject to sensual desires now that she is a born-again christian (or more exactly, these have been replaced by "higher" desires).

I am still a bit stunned, but that will go in a few days... It's a bit like a movie, you think these are the things that happen only to other people, and when it happens to you, you feel it's not real.
Now I understand certain of her strange behaviours after she came back! (it happened abroad in her home country while she was on a long-term trip for business).
 
#83 ·
"I have to admit she is less subject to sensual desires now that she is a born-again christian (or more exactly, these have been replaced by "higher" desires)."

Oh, Metta. You're fooling yourself.

Good luck with getting over the affair, but please don't let her use her church as some kind of excuse/get-out-of-jail free card.
 
#85 ·
Hi RD,

Long time no see!



No, she cheated about 2 years before turning fundamentalist. So she was not a born-again at the time she cheated.

Anyway, that was a one-time stand, and apparently she deeply regret it. I understand now why her libido was essentially inexistent after she same back from that trip.

At that time, I put that on a dispute we had where she was asking me to do things sexually that I can't do. It was a very heated dispute, and I finally convinced her that she was asking too much by pointing her to certain websites dealing with sexuality. It is that dispute that triggered in her the willingness to have an affair (even if she was wrong as she later admitted).

Frankly, the main reason I stay with her is for our daughter. The same applies to her turning a fundie, I would have left her if it was not for our daughter.
 
#87 · (Edited)
As for your daughter, some say it's not always to stick together just for the kids
Yes, I am starting to considering that.

2 days ago we were invited to a wedding. When going back home, I told her that I am ready to trust her again and start afresh because I don't want to live a life where I would constantly check her emails, phone log, etc. (as she suggested to me after revealing her affair). When I said that, she was happy and emotional. Then I made it very clear that if she does it again that will be the end of our marriage, she turned cold immediately and stopped saying anything.

Yesterday, more drama erupted. She went to church with our daughter and a "brother in Christ" that she invited to our home for the week-end. Just after she left, I wanted, for the first time, to make a point about what benefits buddhism can bring to someone. I sent her a text message, here is the content of our conversation:

Me: Sweetheart, I probably would not have been able to take the news of your infidelity so serenly if I was not a bit advanced in buddhism. Somewhere, you should be grateful for this religion, with it maybe our marriage would not be in existence today. Kiss.

Her: Sweetheart, I am not agaist buddhism or its principles. As you say yourself, buddhism asks you to investigate and my prayer for you is to God to reveal himself to you and that you understand that there is a God who exists. I love you.

Me: That was my mini-part of witnessing (which I said in exceptional circumstances and because you are my wife), but to acknowledge that there is some truth in what I said is apparently too difficult. End of witnessing. Sorry to have disturbed you. Kiss.​

When she came back from church (about 7 hours later! but I am used to that now), she told me privately that she needs to take a week off!!! She wants to stay in a hotel away from me and our daughter (her own words). Then she started again to preach me, "if you are not sure there is a god or not, you should leave our daughter because if there is a god.." blah blah blah. I stopped her and told her that we had this conservation a number of times before and I don't see the point of having it again.

In the evening, she wanted to talk again. She said I should read again the messages I sent to her and that I should show them to someone independent to really understand what I said. I said that I will and went to sleep. Then she came back, saying that she is sorry for all the pain she is doing to me, she started crying, saying sorry at least 20 times. She said the problem is with her. I said it's OK, hold her in my arms, etc. She cried for about an hour. After that we went to sleep.

Also, I forgot to mention. While in church, our 7 years old daughter (who is often "borrowing" my wife's iphone) sent me a text message where she said that she would like to come with me to the place where I go to every Sunday (that was a total surprise for me as I brought her once and she didn't like it, so I was not bringing her anymore).
I think this is what really triggered the hysterical reactions from my wife. She can't contemplate our daughter being anything else but a fundamentalist christian. She said it quite plainly when she said she wanted a week off after coming back from church: she said that I can bring her there if I want because I am her father, she knows that god will preserve her, and if she can't bear it she will leave both our daughter and myself to "our things".

Anyway, I would be grateful if some people could comment on the messages we exchanged (see above). I know I have not written them in a nice way, but I think her reaction was out of proportion. Still, I would be very grateful to have some external point of views to help me see more clearly.

Many thanks for your help!
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Top