metta

Hello,

I am looking for some help and some external point of view as I am very down...
My wife is christian and I am buddhist. When we met 8 years ago, and none of us was deeply religious.

Since January this year, my wife met another woman who is an evangelical christian. She started to attend church with her new friend and very quickly went very deeply in this religious revival. She started lecturing me and tried to convert me; I was listening patiently (most of the time!), but I was not interested.

The TV started to be tuned to god channel and the likes. Christianity invaded our household day and night. Everything, big or small, was either the mark of god or of the devil. Bad weather, murders reported on TV, every piece of news was a sign of the end of times. To my opinion, she became negative, arrogant in her faith, blind to simple explanations of "miracles" and above all absolutist. She detained the Truth, it's not that she was believing in something, or that she believed she knew the truth, she was simply assessing (quite vehemently by the way) "this is the Truth and everything else is false".

Over the years, on my side, I also went more deeply into buddhism, although it is was a much slower process for me. Shortly after my wife became fanatically, I started to attend a vihara (theravada buddhist place of service). I also on my side went deeper into my faith.

We have a lovely daughter who is 6 years old now. My wife bought some books for her, and I had no problem reading these little christian books to her. I believe in freedom, and I always thought that our daugter would learn from both of us and make her own choice later in life.

My wife decided to attend a chrisian seminar this week-end, which means that I will have to look after our daughter this week-end. Yesterday we had a benign telephone conversation, and I mentioned that I will bring our daughter to the vihara. 5 minutes later, I called her for some other things, and she told me that she wouldn't like that I bring our daughter there.

That was a shock to me. I always considered obvious that, being a buddhist, it would only be natural for me to talk to my daughter about it. I felt it was intolerant from her to say that to me... I think for all these months I just closed my mind to the fact that my wife was becoming more and more intolerant and close minded, and this simple phrase opened my eyes in quite a brutal way.

That evening, I brought the subject back after her daughter was fast asleep. She tells me that I am the father of the child, so I can teach her my religion if I wish, but that would bring her to hell. Myself I would go to hell if don't give my life to Jesus. This is the Truth, etc. etc. I then said that I think that in a couple with 2 different religions, each parent is free to teach the child about his/her faith, and then the child is free to chose whatever he/she wants later on in life. She didn't like that and told me that god will anyway bring her child back.

I now feel very stressed and distressed... I thought about it the whole day, and honestly, I can't think of living the rest of my whole life in such a relationship. The biggest problem to me is her absolutism: "this is the Truth". It closes any discussion, and closes minds. I feel like she is on a high pedestal lecturing me, I feel we are not equal footed. I reckognise her legitimacy to believe what she believes, but I feel she is not giving me the same. Being equal is fundamental in a couple... But at least there is still some sort of respect.

We are searching for a 2nd child for a few years now, but she has some fertility problems. Now, I don't think I want anymore children with her...
If it was not for our daughter, I would seriously think about divorcing... I love my daughter so much, divorcing now would break her, I would be ready to endure a few more years for her...

I would appreciate your comments, as I am very much confused, I don't know what to do or what to think... Am I making a fuss about it, or am I right to feel so stressed and desperate? Would it be unfair to tell my wife I don't want children anymore?

Thank you so much for your help, and sorry for the length of the post!

RandomDude

I went through the same thing with the missus 2x, first time was before marriage, and led me to get frustrated, angry, and drunk -> and I cheated on her. Fast forward past the reconciliation, the preggies and then the marriage, last year she tried to pull it on me again, but she did it using her church against me - I set her straight quite harshly because I had no choice.

There's a section in the men's clubhouse called N.U.T.S. which you should read, it's in regards to setting boundaries and she has to understand and respect your faith otherwise you're not going to put up with hers. You have to be firm in this, and perhaps a bit harsh. Religious tolerance goes both ways.

The thing is though my wife has always been into her religion since I first met her, but before she attended bible college years ago she was very different and strong in her faith and focused on love, acceptance, and forgiveness, instead of intolerance, superiority, and arrogance. There's a bad side to Christianity in which the missus once called modern day "pharisees".

I used her past to remind her of who she is and told her that I will not put up with her being the very same person that she once preached that she hated to become. But that's just my way. You have to find another way to make her realise that what she's doing is very ungodly. Unfortunately you may have to use her own religion against her, study the bible yourself, read this:

1 John 4:8
1 Corinthians 13:1
James 2:1-4
Acts 10:34-35
Galatians 6:10

As those guidelines read the rest of the story, the difference between the old and new testaments (the old is all about laws, the new is all about love - selflessness), it's a reflection on one's own individual spiritual journey for some, like the missus. She has to be made aware of the general message being taught in the word, and that is love, acceptance, forgiveness, and even if she disagrees with your faith, it's her duty as a Christian to love and respect your right to your own beliefs.

If she can't accept that, then start doing drastic measures or move on. If she does accept it then you'll be fine. After a while the missus realised that she and I both worship love and selflessness, and although there are things she doesn't agree with; like my belief in embracing the "natural order in chaos" and accepting myself for my urges and feelings, or my belief that my God doesn't really give a crap about me lol

But she accepts it, and I guess I think in a way we're both a bit confused because we've been together so long our faiths have intertwined into something else lol

metta

Hi,

Thanks a lot for your reply.
I can't find that "nuts" section?... Could you post a link?

Thanks for the Bible quotes.
The problem with my wife is that she thinks that loving me means telling me the Truth, even if it hurts, even if I don't like that, etc... She does not think that it means accepting me as I am, apparently...

I also forgot to mention that up until this January, she had no problem whatsoever with my religion. She even told me a number of times that she was proud that I was a buddhist!
What a change now! Now I am doomed to eternal hell!

I had some more reflections, and I have to admit that I do not appreciate what she is becoming. Negative, absolutist, black or white (nothing in the middle, it's either god or the devil), intolerant, arrogant, you name it.
All those christians on TV (and herself as well) think black or white. No wonder they always complain of being persecuted, since everything that does not fit what they think is agreed by god must be from satan... They are all really throwing their brains (and critical thinking) into the toilets. Probably after a few months of such brainwashing, you would really turn schizo!

All in all, I am not sure I am happy my children would be taught such a set of "values". So I would tend to say that I would have anymore children with her...

Cheers

PFTGuy

[QUOTE=metta;426609]Hi,

Thanks a lot for your reply.
I can't find that "nuts" section?... Could you post a link?

Thanks for the Bible quotes.
The problem with my wife is that she thinks that loving me means telling me the Truth, even if it hurts, even if I don't like that, etc... She does not think that it means accepting me as I am, apparently...

I also forgot to mention that up until this January, she had no problem whatsoever with my religion. She even told me a number of times that she was proud that I was a buddhist!
What a change now! Now I am doomed to eternal hell!

I had some more reflections, and I have to admit that I do not appreciate what she is becoming. Negative, absolutist, black or white (nothing in the middle, it's either god or the devil), intolerant, arrogant, you name it.
All those christians on TV (and herself as well) think black or white. No wonder they always complain of being persecuted, since everything that does not fit what they think is agreed by god must be from satan... They are all really throwing their brains (and critical thinking) into the toilets. Probably after a few months of such brainwashing, you would really turn schizo!

All in all, I am not sure I am happy my children would be taught such a set of "values". So I would tend to say that I would have anymore children with her...

Cheers[/QUOTE

I don't know if I have any helpful advice to offer, but I certainly understand how difficult these circumstances must be for you. One thing that might be of benefit is a Christian marriage counselor (she probably wouldn't go to a secular one anyway, right)? A third party, from an authoritive position of wisdom who might not be quite so adamantly fundamentalist, might be able to offer her some alternative views of the scriptures and teachings on which she is basing her beliefs.

As a person who has had a Christian walk of faith now for about 10 years, I have found myself moving gradually from a fundamentalist understanding to a more liberal perspective. There may be hope that as she matures, she will be able to relinquish some of her childish views and grow in wisdom and acceptance of your beliefs.

Namiste

RandomDude

Heh I know EXACTLY how you feel, I've been there mate. And yes, I heard the tune before, "I love you so much, I don't want you to go to hell!" Haha oh those times WERE hell!

You just have to learn how to try to use the bible to "convert" her back to tolerance and acceptance not fundamentalism. It's a real challenge though - I know, especially when you're a Buddhist (I'm a "pagan" myself).

For me I sowed the seeds for years but only when it really got to a breaking point that she finally listened. So even with all the study and preaching, I still had to break her down. I understand how you feel about your children too, hell you remind me so much of the dramas I faced, I shared all your thoughts during my own interfaith crisis.

This is a tough one mate

greenpearl

Hi,

If she is a good Christian, she also has to realize that in the Bible, the wife has to be respectful to her husband even though he is an unbeliever.

A lot of Christians are condescending and judgmental. They think they are the only truth religion. They think they are better than others. Buddhism is actually more open minded about other religions.

In my opinion, there is no hell, there is no heaven. If you learn to live a peaceful life, you achieve heaven like life on earth. If you don't learn to live a peaceful life, you make this life a hell.

metta

Hello,

Thanks for your post.
Probably she could get some advice from some other Christians... But personally, I feel that I would need a marriage counsellor who is neutral for me to come in.
I'll have some thoughts about it.

Many thanks!

metta

That's somehow a relief to me to see that other people went through that sort of journey! (although I feel sorry such things happen, they shouldn't in my opinion)
Thanks a lot for your post!

I'm still a bit confused about how to handle the situation, but things are starting to get a bit clearer in my mind. I'll need that to talk to her when she's back! I need to maintain some distance, at least emotionally.

I also forgot to mention that she has quite a bad temper. I was able to see some progress on that point for the first few months, but now it's going from bad to worse...

Cheers

metta

Dear greenpearl,

My wife would fall squarely into the description you gave.
I like the way you see heaven and hell, it makes a lot of sense to me. Like RandomDude said before, such people could make your life like hell on earth!

Regards

cb45

hmmm, christian and buddhist. heard/read this (here) before; sounds alot like
some posters who go by many, perhaps too many, other
monikers/avatars.

seems christians & christianity are being invaded (here) once
more, in perpetuity perhaps? to wear out the saints perhaps?
(selah)

yet, if the real-deal someone else here lemme then say/add
my perception based on scriptures i have read/lived/and in
process of living even now.

seems to me that simply put as solomon put it: there are
seasons in life for all things, ala the song "turn turn turn" by
the byrds (60's?) written by peter segeer.

seems to me that u & wifey are going yer separate ways
perhaps. for there are times we can coexist with others &
their beliefs in life, for a time, times and half a time (selah) but
not for ALL time!

Unless two are agreed they cannot walk the same road
together (for long, that is....ask paul n barnabas e.g.);
this proverb goes deeper than most here are WILLING to
comprehend. its mysteries are still being unraveled in my
own life, i do declare.

Your "opinion", my "opinion" doesnt equal squat! Unless of
course, it agrees with God's truth as revealed by Yeshua and
the H>S>

opinions are like belly buttons; everyone has one (usually, lol)
but whats a belly button worth, nowadays, post-partum, ladies
gents? (selah)

most of us hear/read/believe what we want to, & call it "truth"
based on our limited, and what i read here all too often, LAZY(!)lack of resources or poor study habits/lack
of bible scholarship, NOR humbleness to ALWAYS ask for H>S>
revelation/understanding; NOT our own!

i err oft likewise myself. yet, i am always trying to stay watchful, diligent, and aware(s). i seek & enjoy the same
from those whose company i keep.

shalom aleichem, not as the world gives but......."

metta

Dear cb45,

Thank you for your interesting post, although it's a bit cryptic for me...

I noticed that you have read other posts similar to mine, would you be so kind to post me the links?

Many thanks!

SimplyAmorous

Regardless of what religion we are talking about, when one starts exhibiting the actions & speech of a hard core Fundamentalist, your reasoning with them pretty near STOPS - unless you agree with them, of coarse.

They have taken on a NEW set of RULES to follow to obey their GOD & be His chosen follower. A new foundation has been laid and beings they are taught GOD is #1, they will feel as though they are not honoring HIM to agree with anyone outside of their beliefs, this is SIN to them, worthy of death many times.


You are NOW dealing with 2 separate mindsets ...and you will not see eye to eye unless YOU agree with them, admit you are lost and only their version of God can save you from yourself. As you can see, and are experiencing, this creates quite the Marraige dilemma. Love , Compassion, Tolerance and Understranding NOW take a back seat to "Doctrine " and "Creeds" of a specified belief.

It suddenly becomes .....US against THEM... Black vs White.... Satan vs God....Flesh vs Spirit..... Lost vs saved.... faith vs reason ..... Heaven vs Hell.... Holy Book vs heretical book..... Truth vs falsehood.... you get the drift.


Why Fundamentalism is Wrong

.

__________________
"Love Good Blog"

metta

Hello,

Thanks for your post, that's a good summary of what is really happening. I'll have a look at the link as well.

We had a discussion yesterday evening. She said she was sorry for hurting me the day before, which is about the only positive thing that came out of this discussion.
My main problems were that I felt she was placing herself above me and that she was not giving my back the respect I have for her religion.
Her answers were that I place myself where I want, that's up to me, and that she is indeed intolerant for everything that's not approved by god... She was almost proud to be intolerant!

I sent her a couple of links with advice for interfaith marriages. She dismissed both of them: one is some humanist crap, the other has been written by a hardcore christian, but she shrugged it off saying there are many people who call themselves christians but who are not!!!
I also pointed her to a division of christianism called "universal reconciliation" that say that all humans will be saved in the end even the non-believers, but she again dismissed it without looking at it saying again this is humanist crap...

She obviously spoke to me at length of her religion. She seems quite fixed on those miracle healings, being slain in the spirit, etc. During her seminar, she said a woman behind her has been cured from blindness. Now, hold on to your seat, that's quite amazing. She then told that now, she could see "a bit better"!!!

So (a) she was not blind before, just partially blind, and (b) she was not recovered full sight after, just a bit!
Incredible! The most amazing is that she told me 5 minutes before that there are indeed some fake healings, yet it didn't reach her mind that this story was real laughable! She just select what's coming into her mind.
BTW, I googled "fake miracle healing" and some very interesting stuff about it!

She started to talk to me about christians being persecuted. I pointed her to the case of the akha people and chrisitian missionary work there: 20,000 akha women being sterilised against their will, rape, children trafficking for prostitution, etc. She immediately started questioning "why a christian would do that?" etc, and kept coming back to persecution of christians. I found this sort of behaviour not very much balanced! It's quite shocking actually. If she is so much full of love, how come that she didn't thought about these women, before acting defensively?

At some point, she told me that if it's too difficult for me to support her, I can leave and let her live her life... Although I think she said that in anger.

She also recognised that she is now a different person, and she can't think about my religion as before (i.e. before she was born again). She also recognised that it is probably disturbing for me, which is right to say the least.

All in all, there is still communication between us, some form of respect, and some form of love (or is it dependency?), and also some willingness from both sides to carry on. But that discussion led to nowhere really...

I don't know where to go from there, because although the discussion ended up nicely, I feel even more than before that we really see the world and the life in 2 very different ways.

Best regards

cb45

boldface is my emphasis. cb45

sure, "i am willing...." See below threads listed already 4 ya.

sometimes i am "cryptic"; sometimes its YOU/others. "check yer own ego at the door" before u come in, perhaps. u'll find u have yer own receptor problems too, capice?

typical tho', one reads/listens to another and MISSES/Ignores
their point, perspective, facts, crux of whatever they are saying/writing/displaying (as the case may be), by asking/discusing footnotes, sources, & the like.

tsk, tsk.

cb45

look down below on this page, yes! see? SIMILAR THREADS