It is my opinion that sex is a gift from God to be shared between husband and wife.
It is also my opinion that sex is a gift that a man gives to a woman, a gift that shows his love, affection, pride, and respect for his woman.
As Christians, most of us are familiar with this quote from the bible.
Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.
Husbands love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.
Most Christian men in a sexless marriage are familiar with the first passage quoted above. They see that their wife is not being affectionate, loving and sexual with them, and they feel that she is failing to obey the will of the Lord. She is failing to submit to her husband and the marriage.
However, these men do not seem to put as much stock in the second passage. The Lord commands men to be leaders for their families. They are commanded to love their wives even as they love themselves. How many men can claim to be living up to this passage in our modern society?
When a man finds himself in a marriage where his wife is unaffectionate, unloving, and seldom, if ever sexual, it is not that she is simply being disobedient. She no longer views her husband as the “leader” of their marriage. She no longer views sex with her husband as the “gift” that God intended it to be.
I know what you are thinking; today’s women do not want to be “led”. They feel resentful, controlled, mistreated, abused, and valued as less than men. Today’s society does not look fondly on a man taking power over a woman in any way. Do not misunderstand me or the verses that I quoted above. A woman is, and should be treated as an equal to man. However, even among equals there is always a leader, and in marriage, God intends for the man to be that leader.
If you were to ask any woman, she would readily tell you that she wants to be regarded as equal in value to any man. She wants her voice and her opinions to count for as much as a man. However, these same women would also express that they need to have a strong man in their lives. They need a man that can bring out the best in them. They need a man who can ignite their sexual desires. A woman wants her man to “lead” her and their family to life’s greater purpose.
The challenge for men is to provide leadership for their wife and family in a way that is loving and respectful.
Now you may be wondering what this has to do with affection and sex.
Every man is hard wired for sex, just as every woman is. But we are not designed to think the same way. Men use their mind and logic to guide them through life, where women are guided more by their emotions. A woman needs to be emotionally inspired to desire sex; a man needs nothing more than a mental vision to desire sexual activity. Add to that, the masculine and feminine trait that inspires or displaces sexual energy between men and women and it becomes even clearer why a man must take the lead in his marriage and especially when it comes to sexuality.
When a woman loses her affection and sexual desire for her husband, it is most likely because her husband no longer inspires in her the feelings about herself that she needs to have in order to be sexual.
To put it another way; a woman will only be inspired to feel sexual when she feels that she is loved and respected by a quality man who is willing to be the masculine leader in her life.
A man that inspires a woman’s sexuality is a man of values, values based on his conviction of being the man that God wanted him to be, his own belief in himself, his purpose, and his vision of what’s best for him, his wife, his family, and his vision of their future together.
A quality man knows what his wife wants, needs, and desires from life. He is a man that she can trust to “lead” her to the best life for herself, and her family. When he is this man, she will not only follow him, she will open herself up to him emotionally, spiritually, and sexually. He will not have to ask, beg, or manipulate his woman. She will surrender into his open arms with love and enthusiasm.
In closing, I leave you with this quote, Proverbs 1:5 — Let the wise listen and add to their learning, and let the discerning get guidance.