My husband and I have been married for 20 years and have 3 children. Most of those years, I have felt that everything that I do is wrong. My husband is very critical and is hard to please and is very controlling. Early in our marriage, he would criticize just about everything. As time went on and children came, he began to have problems controlling his anger. If the children made messes, he would totally lose control. He never physically abused us, but the emotional abuse was bad. He also uses crazymaking....he will give me two options about something and then make me feel like I choose the wrong one. I considered leaving several times. It seemed that I was always walking on eggshells just to keep the peace. I haven't wanted to be intimate either, only being intimate because I felt it was my duty. To make things worse, last summer, our son who was 12 was diagnosed with a cancerous bone tumor. This put unbelievable stress on our family and our marriage. My controlling husband was no longer in control and since I took a year off from my job to care for our son, I was with my son a lot at the doctor and in the hospital, and in between the doctor and my husband much of the time. He would question everything that I would relay from our doctor trips. After one especially heated argument, I just completely lost all respect for him. I had never seen him so angry. I think it was at that point that I stopped caring if he was angry or not. After several months of only speaking to him when I had to, we had a discussion about our marriage and I asked him to go to counseling with me. He would not go. He acknowledged that he had had some anger control issues and assured me that he wasn't going to be like that anymore. However, now, he follows everything he says with "I'm not trying to make you mad, but...." which to me seems condescending. When something upsets him. his temper and anger come back, which takes me right back to square one. I know that I need to forgive and am trying to do that. I just don't know how to see my husband differently. I just see the person who has hurt me for so many years. Also, there is my son to consider. He is out of treatment and is cancer free right now. I know that he has been through a lot and I worry about putting him through more. I feel depressed, and am taking medication and also feel very lonely. At times, I'll convince myself that I can just put on a happy face for my children. At other times, I feel very sad that this is all my marriage will be. I feel very trapped. I don't know what to do. Things were bad before my son was sick, and now I feel compeltely empty of any feelings for my husband. I pray and can't seem to hear from God. Our family goes to church and you would never imagine that anything was wrong in our family. He recently admitted that he has been difficult and is trying hard to change. He is very loving toward me now. I just can't get past the person that he was. I can't accept the love that he is showing me now. I don't know how to preceive him in a different way. What do I do?
Since you are in R's & Spirituality, u can expect or should expect (mostly) spiritual
answers to yer Q. (tho' we do have some vagrants/trolls/etc
from time to time "mucking up the joint")
In yer strength u can do nothing but pray & meditate upon the
goodness of God to see u thru this ordeal. U'll have good days
n bad just like anyone/anywhere else but when God "steps in" your life (usually peoples problems, thats when WE call...sigh)
u get a supernatural "high"/bonus the bible calls "a peace that
don't know if u've experienced it yet/at all in your life but if not
then, u'll have to continually cry out, focus on HIM, and most of
thank HIM for your peace (shalom, in hebrew i prefer as its a more powerful/pregnant word in its fullest manifistation) that u may not SEE just yet, but have to have faith as its here, "or done" as i like to say. For i cant begin to tell u the many supernatural times Jesus has come thru for me in this way.
(and it all started with a "cursed" olive tree back in his day; do u know the scripture i'm ref to?)
IF u focus on the LORD, HIS "way(s)" & not yours or yer H's, then u'll experience more n more what i'm talkin bout. U"ll see
that there's little u can do to change/affect yer H's words/behaviors if u can't control yer own ANDUNTIL u get insights into yourself and what u do to trigger situations with yer H, from yer THOUGHT/reasoning/emotional/Spiritual processes all the way down to yer words & actions (&/or lack thereof too).
When u r in a place of shalom (peace & strength) u'll be amazed at how THEN, u can affect yer H's mentation & behaviors if he doesnt have a clinical condition that is, that
may require professional help (like bipolar? as u describe him,
he may be in need of diagnosis by a qualified Dr.) & is another
"ball of wax" so to speak.
many people come here and patronize u by patting u on the
back with alot of sympathetical stmts/posts but, truth is, the
Picture is more complex than even u, me, we, can describe it, much less solve it.
Only God "knows it all." Only HE carries the title of "the Great
Physican", as was displayed by Yeshua when on earth.
Call on the H>S> to help u right now, and believe that H>S>
help is coming with all your "might" and all thats within u.
U'll be AMAZED! Simply, AMAZED. Perhaps u'll be kind enuff
to come back and witness to others here who are "weaK",
don't "believe" or, are in a fog of confusion/flux all of their own design; perhaps not; your choice.
I believe you should acknowledge the changes your H is making otherwise he may notice that you don't and go back to his old ways. You have to forgive him for his past faults and move on especially now that he is finally changing for the better. I do understand that you probably feel like is this real. Also, I agree with cb45 ...you need to focus on the Lord more versus your husbands behaviors. Just recently I realized that about myself, I was focusing so much on my H's faults instead of letting the Lord be the center of my joy at all times. Now I rebuke all bad/past thoughts of my H and draw closer and closer to God. I believe God is always listening and giving us answers but we aren't always available and still to listen to Him since our minds are so consumed on our spouses faults.
that specifically speaking, u need to meditate upon God & heavenly things as much as possible in yer daily activities.
assuming for a moment that u r not a "bible thumper" as they
used to be called, i would suggest u:
(1) start with "the word" which can mean Jesus' sayings, or the bible as a whole.
IN THIS WAY u "feed" yer mind the necessary "ammo" it needs
to do mental combat in this special realm of spiritual warfare u find yourself presently in (for it is INDEED a "form/realm" of SP Warfare!)
(2) get out an mp3, tape player, radio, (whatever u have or can get, cheaply...hee hee) and listen to ONLY uplifting music
(christian especially but, some leeway here; be choosey pls).
many people (christians especially) take this aspect of worship
and prayer for granted & wonder why they are so weak & easily
defeated oftentimes. JUST DO IT! NO Excuses pls!
(3) visualize positive outcomes; daydreams, night visions;
u initiate them & H>S> will take it from there.
Just these two alone will put on armor like u may have never
experienced before in yer life; these two pts will also make it
easier for H>S> to speak to you, concerning what u can do, say, not do, not say, as well as draw u into a closer rel'shp with
God and HIS Son, Jesus Christ, which u'll treasure more than
any rel'shp with anyone in this earth (over time). Stick with this.
don't quit; it takes time, some-times.
u'll have a peace that passes understanding. and SHALOM is what this life is, or can be, all about.
Here's a word picture way of me saying what i just wrote so that u can remember it in yer daily thoughts/battles/failures/triumphs/what-have-you's:
"In the beginning was the......
"and the Word became........
FLESH (in this case "armor" or covering; see gen 3:21)"