So I know what is ok in terms of the Bible for divorce but its so hard to figure out when enough is enough. I've prayed so much the last 2 years since my wifes EA. We are both christians but have not been to church in some time. She has many issues with church (not God) due to many many bad experiences. She is also very negative whenever we would go. I've been a poor husband and let that happen.
Anyway the last 2 years I have been praying alot and last month I had to leave town for work and God opened my eyes to how I have been letting this woman control my life since we married. I do not want it anymore and will not let it continue. I plan to take charge. My issues is that while I know what I want, I am still confused on what God wants. I lost all love for my wife after the EA (We had many issues prior too). I have tried and done what I was guided to do but after 2 years I do not feel anything for her. I have forgiven and can look at her with God's love but not that of a husband. I don't want to continue my life feeling so empty and feel it is time to move on to look for who God does want me to be with. I know there is no burning bush I will find to answer this but do suck it up another 2 years, 4 years, or is it time? All I want is God's direction and I know it will lead to happiness.
I can relate to how you feel. I am going through a situation like this with my H. I have actually been wanting my H to commit adultery just so I could move on but I know that's not the way God wants us to think. My advice is to just get back closer with God in every way possible and take time daily to just be still and listen to what God is leading you to do. I am kind of anxious too (even though I try hard not to be) like I didn't think God would want to end a marriage just because I'm unhappy but he may be leading me this way...not 100% sure yet though. I know God will give you the right answer too...grow closer, consume yourself with Him and sit still and wait for his lead and you will know 100% what he expects you to do.
So I know what is ok in terms of the Bible for divorce but its so hard to figure out when enough is enough. I've prayed so much the last 2 years since my wifes EA. We are both christians but have not been to church in some time. She has many issues with church (not God) due to many many bad experiences. She is also very negative whenever we would go. I've been a poor husband and let that happen.
Anyway the last 2 years I have been praying alot and last month I had to leave town for work and God opened my eyes to how I have been letting this woman control my life since we married. I do not want it anymore and will not let it continue. I plan to take charge. My issues is that while I know what I want, I am still confused on what God wants. I lost all love for my wife after the EA (We had many issues prior too). I have tried and done what I was guided to do but after 2 years I do not feel anything for her. I have forgiven and can look at her with God's love but not that of a husband. I don't want to continue my life feeling so empty and feel it is time to move on to look for who God does want me to be with. I know there is no burning bush I will find to answer this but do suck it up another 2 years, 4 years, or is it time? All I want is God's direction and I know it will lead to happiness.
Praying is a great thing... it give you calm in your submission to God for help...
One thing for sure... God wants you to HELP YOURSELF WITH THE GUIDANCE OF HIS WORD!
Two passages come to mind...
1 Corinthians 7:15
But if the unbeliever departs (emotionally or physically meaning you no longer believe in your wife) then leave and go in peace. Do not keep your wife in a lie of love.
Ephesians 5 :25 - 33
If you cannot love,cherish and respect your wife as you love, cherish and respect yourself, then you are not husband...
As adultery is an allowable action for divorce, so is emotional abandonment.
As you have said you have forgiven her for the EA, if that be truly so, and she has repented, then now it is all about what you WANT, you are now neglecting your marriage emotionally. If you do not see within your heart the Spirit of God in you marriage...
Thank you rose, not saying that made up my mind but it gives me some peace in my decisions to be made. I know I was not the best husband our 15 years before the EA but I was a darn good one. I stood by her side as she sided with her family who tried to break us up, stood by her as she moved away with our kids 15hrs to live her family to get her way on moving (I even drove her car up for her), I have listened to every problem and issue knowing she never did and never care to do the same for me. Not saying we didnt have good times but she was never my partner. Throw an EA on top of it and I did loose what was left. I know I could have done more to resolve the issues, I could have stood up to her more, but I was very young and did the best I could with the tools I had.
I know I have an allowable action (via her graphic EA or her abandonment) but its so hard to determine allowable vs Gods will. I am glad I posted in this section. I received alot of feedback in the others but these hit home more.
Fresh I know exactly what you mean. I often wanted out before her EA but couldnt do it even if I wasnt a christian. After the EA it was more about what everyone else would think and the kids. She was good about it after a month of back and forth but the damage was done. I tried for 2 years, through her fathers death, to make things work but she didnt change the core issues (EA was just a result IMO). I often checked her email/text/FB to see but I think also in hopes I would catch her again to give me the ok I thought I needed. I realize I dont need it if that is where I go. I look at my mother who had false believe in what God's plans were (she is a great Christian but in her desire for a husband she believe her desire was Gods). I dont want to be like her and end up 61 and alone (being with my W is like being alone) and unhappy (in terms of her relationship or lack of).
Out of curiosity, could you tell me where this is quoted in the Bible please?
You mentioned:
As adultery is an allowable action for divorce, so is emotional abandonment.
Thanks
God doesn't promote divorce... but in some instances it is allowable, for the vast majority it is when the sinner doesn't ask for forgiveness nor does s/he repent. As well as if the sinner does repent and the betrayed person doesn't forgive. Repentance and Forgiveness go hand in hand.
For instance... a husband commits adultery (the unbeliever), he doesn't repent, the wife can divorce him. Or if the husband commits adultery, fully repents, the wife doesn't forgive (the unbeliever), the husband can divorce her. As based upon 1Cor 7: 10-16
If a husband is abusive, partakes in self-destructive habits, etc and doesn't clean up his act, he is not loving, cherishing and holding himself to God standards, he therefore cannot do the same for his wife... therefore he is no longer a husband. He is no longer a leader, and a wife is not obligied to follow.(Ephesians 5: 25 - 28)
However, if he does clean up his act and fully repents, then he shall become leader again, and the wife should follow.
Forgiveness is just as important as the repentance of the betrayal.
is complete when we experience the freedom that comes as a result. We are the ones who suffer most when we choose not to forgive. When we do forgive, the Lord sets our hearts free from the anger, bitterness, resentment and hurt that previously imprisoned us.
Most times, however, forgiveness is a slow process.
Matthew 18:21-22
Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times. (NIV) This answer by Jesus makes it clear that forgiveness is not easy for us. It's not a one-time choice and then we automatically live in a state of forgiveness. Forgiveness may require a lifetime of forgiving, but it is important to the Lord. We must continue forgiving until the matter is settled in our heart.
What if the person we need to forgive is not a believer?
I have found that prayer is one of the best ways to break down the wall of unforgiveness in my heart. When I begin to pray for the person who has wronged me, God gives me new eyes to see and a new heart to care for that person. As I pray, I start to see that person as God sees them, and I realize that he or she is precious to the Lord. I also see myself in a new light, just as guilty of sin and failure as the other person. I too am in need of forgiveness. If God did not withhold his forgiveness from me, why should I withhold my forgiveness from another?
Is it okay to feel anger and want justice for the person we need to forgive?
This question presents another reason to pray for the person we need to forgive. We can pray for God to deal with the injustices, for God to judge the person's life, and then we can leave that prayer at the altar. We no longer have to carry the anger. Although it is normal for us to feel anger toward sin and injustice, it is not our job to judge the other person in their sin. Luke 6:37
Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. (NIV)
Why must we forgive?
The best reason to forgive is because Jesus commanded us to forgive. We learn from Scripture, if we don't forgive, neither will we be forgiven:
Question: "What does the Bible say about divorce and remarriage?"
Answer: First of all, no matter what view one takes on the issue of divorce, it is important to remember Malachi 2:16: “I hate divorce, says the LORD God of Israel.” According to the Bible, marriage is a lifetime commitment. “So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate” (Matthew 19:6). God realizes, though, that since marriages involve two sinful human beings, divorces are going to occur. In the Old Testament, He laid down some laws in order to protect the rights of divorcees, especially women (Deuteronomy 24:1-4). Jesus pointed out that these laws were given because of the hardness of people’s hearts, not because they were God’s desire (Matthew 19:8).
The controversy over whether divorce and remarriage is allowed according to the Bible revolves primarily around Jesus’ words in Matthew 5:32 and 19:9. The phrase “except for marital unfaithfulness” is the only thing in Scripture that possibly gives God’s permission for divorce and remarriage. Many interpreters understand this “exception clause” as referring to “marital unfaithfulness” during the “betrothal” period. In Jewish custom, a man and a woman were considered married even while they were still engaged or “betrothed.” According to this view, immorality during this “betrothal” period would then be the only valid reason for a divorce.
However, the Greek word translated “marital unfaithfulness” is a word which can mean any form of sexual immorality. It can mean fornication, prostitution, adultery, etc. Jesus is possibly saying that divorce is permissible if sexual immorality is committed. Sexual relations are an integral part of the marital bond: “the two will become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24; Matthew 19:5; Ephesians 5:31). Therefore, any breaking of that bond by sexual relations outside of marriage might be a permissible reason for divorce. If so, Jesus also has remarriage in mind in this passage. The phrase “and marries another” (Matthew 19:9) indicates that divorce and remarriage are allowed in an instance of the exception clause, whatever it is interpreted to be. It is important to note that only the innocent party is allowed to remarry. Although it is not stated in the text, the allowance for remarriage after a divorce is God’s mercy for the one who was sinned against, not for the one who committed the sexual immorality. There may be instances where the “guilty party” is allowed to remarry, but it is not taught in this text.
Some understand 1 Corinthians 7:15 as another “exception,” allowing remarriage if an unbelieving spouse divorces a believer. However, the context does not mention remarriage, but only says a believer is not bound to continue a marriage if an unbelieving spouse wants to leave. Others claim that abuse (spousal or child) is a valid reason for divorce even though it is not listed as such in the Bible. While this may very well be the case, it is never wise to presume upon the Word of God.
Sometimes lost in the debate over the exception clause is the fact that whatever “marital unfaithfulness” means, it is an allowance for divorce, not a requirement for it. Even when adultery is committed, a couple can, through God’s grace, learn to forgive and begin rebuilding their marriage. God has forgiven us of so much more. Surely we can follow His example and even forgive the sin of adultery (Ephesians 4:32). However, in many instances, a spouse is unrepentant and continues in sexual immorality. That is where Matthew 19:9 can possibly be applied. Many also look to quickly remarry after a divorce when God might desire them to remain single. God sometimes calls people to be single so that their attention is not divided (1 Corinthians 7:32-35). Remarriage after a divorce may be an option in some circumstances, but that does not mean it is the only option.
It is distressing that the divorce rate among professing Christians is nearly as high as that of the unbelieving world. The Bible makes it abundantly clear that God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16) and that reconciliation and forgiveness should be the marks of a believer’s life (Luke 11:4; Ephesians 4:32). However, God recognizes that divorce will occur, even among His children. A divorced and/or remarried believer should not feel any less loved by God, even if the divorce and/or remarriage is not covered under the possible exception clause of Matthew 19:9. God often uses even the sinful disobedience of Christians to accomplish great good.
Sorry for the length... it was a "cut and paste" fest!
Thanks, I agree with all of that. I see my mother who was divorced at 24 from my dad and remains single to this day (61). She had many relationships and felt God promised her a husband but that was her will not his. She has do so much good in her life as a single woman but it still makes me sad to know she is alone. I do find it hard that God would want (though I know he can make good of it) anyone to go through life alone. He gave adam, eve to complete him. I truely believe we are meant to find that one person God has and we will be happy. We just get in our way of finding that person sometimes. I know I sinned with my wife, got her preggers at 19 and the path I lived was my choice, not Gods. He had better things in store but I picked another path. He made good out of it and gave me 2 wonderful children who I hope to give better direction than I had.
Thanks, I agree with all of that. I see my mother who was divorced at 24 from my dad and remains single to this day (61). She had many relationships and felt God promised her a husband but that was her will not his. She has do so much good in her life as a single woman but it still makes me sad to know she is alone. I do find it hard that God would want (though I know he can make good of it) anyone to go through life alone. He gave adam, eve to complete him. I truely believe we are meant to find that one person God has and we will be happy. We just get in our way of finding that person sometimes. I know I sinned with my wife, got her preggers at 19 and the path I lived was my choice, not Gods. He had better things in store but I picked another path. He made good out of it and gave me 2 wonderful children who I hope to give better direction than I had.
Just my little two cents... if I were to be divorced or widowed, I don't think I would ever actively look for another relationship. Perhaps a few male companions for friendship and fellowship... but never for a long term relationship.... thats just me. When H and I were separated, I actually did enjoy the peace and serenity... I was never lonely... just happy to be alone. Go out with my friends on ocassion. I have no problem eating in a restuarant alone, or going to a movie solo... Of course the kids took a lionshare of my time.. but I am not the type of person that needs a replacement, if and when my marriage ends. For me... a marriage happens only once in my life and I am content with that.
My Dad on the otherhand, got himself a new girlfriend 2 months after Mom passed, she moved into the family home within 5 months and they were just recently married. I guess he can't exist without a woman in his life.
Th RoseRed...the key point I got was that when God puts 2 ppl together no man can separate (and not in his exact words) See when my H and I got together, we were in the world. I didn't let God choose my mate, I did. God wasn't even mentioned in our vows. Now that I know the Lord, honor him and believe in His word, I was wondering if he would still agree with our marriage as bad as it is and if I would be able to leave based on emotional abandonment.....Thx for your posting
Wow, it is unfortunate but so nice to see that others are dealing with the same feelings as myself! Thank you all for posting and sharing. I posted a new thread so I will spare my story twice! I had always felt like I made the decision to marry my wife against God's will for me. After 4 years of marriage I can see clearly why, for goodness sakes I remember asking (like an idiot) as I was driving to pick up my wife's engagement ring for God to intervene if I should't be doing this. If that isn't a sign in itself I don't know what is! So many times while dating I tried to break it off and got brought back in with sexual temptations. So ridiculous for me not to trust what God had put on my hear so many times! But now I am wondering what to do! Our ungodly lives have led her to having a 6 month affair after one year of marriage and most recently me having a 2 month affair after 4 years. I'm tired of not living a fulfilling life for God.
I know many will say, "God didn't choose my spouse, I did." While there may be some truth to that in a lot of situations, I would like to offer another perspective.
The verse that states "no man can seperate what God has joined" has been mentioned. And it needs to be understood that God was a witness at your wedding along with all the other family and friends. Understand that God does hate divorce, as it states in Malachi 2:16. But also understand that if you make a vow to him, he expect you to honor it. Ecclesiastes 5:4-5 says, "When you make a promise to God, don't delay in following through, for God takes no pleasure in fools. Keep all the promises you make to him. It is better to say nothing than to make a promise and not keep it" (NLT).
I guess what I'm really saying is although you believe that God may not have joined you and your spouse together, God allowed it, he witnessed you making the vow to love, honor, cherish, etc. 'til death, he expects you to honor your vow. Also, maybe God didn't "join" you. But if you choose to divorce, he wouldn't be seperating you either. It would be your choice.
RoseRed, I am a big supporter of your biblical perspective but I have to correct you on the passage from 1 Cor. 7:15. It is speaking about a believer being "unequally yoked" or married to an unbeliever (one who is not a Christian). It states that if the unbeliever leaves, the believer (the Christian) is free. The believer is not okay to leave. This was actually stated this in vs. 12 of the same chapter.
Lucas, understand that an unfulfilling Godly life has less to do with your marriage and more to do with your relationship with God. God can do more than you believe in your marriage but YOU have to commit to God first. Allow him to change you. Get close to him, delight in him, trust him. A couple of passages that come to mind are Psalms 37:3-5, Proverbs 3:6, Matthew 6:33 - they all essentially say put God first.
RoseRed, I am a big supporter of your biblical perspective but I have to correct you on the passage from 1 Cor. 7:15. It is speaking about a believer being "unequally yoked" or married to an unbeliever (one who is not a Christian). It states that if the unbeliever leaves, the believer (the Christian) is free. The believer is not okay to leave. This was actually stated this in vs. 12 of the same chapter.
Mark - I appreciate your input and your perspective. Again, it is a matter of interpretation via the different Christian branches that interpret this phrase. As I do not know which realm of Christianity you hold true, I can only describe what I hold true via the Eastern Christian Orthodoxy.
A christian is a christian.. s/he follows God's law... there are no if ands or buts... you can't follow some of his Word and not others... its lke you can't be a little bit pregnant. You either are or your not. If a husband or wife breaks Gods law and does not repent, then s/he is an unbeliever. Hence the intrepretation I put forth. There are other passages about interfaith marriages, such in Malachi.
Again... thank you for sharing your views with me.
1 Corinthians 7:15
But if the unbeliever departs (emotionally or physically meaning you no longer believe in your wife) then leave and go in peace. Do not keep your wife in a lie of love.
Maybe I just need some clarity. Based on what you've wrote, it almost seems like your saying the man with the emotional detachment is okay to divorce because he's not really a Christian anyway. I just want to understand correctly so please help me.
Also, my understanding of that verse and passage is based on my study from the Greek text. Unbeliever is "apistos" in Greek and it means one without faith in God. In Greek, "a" means not and "pistos" means faith. And when making your own interpretations, one must consider the immediate context. Paul was not speaking about belief in our spouse or anyone else other than God. You can't overlook vs. 12 that tells the believer to stay with the unbeliever. Is your interpretation of unbeliever relevant to that verse also?
All Christians fall short of meeting ALL of God's instructions. Some are ignorant or unlearned. Some do it out of defiance. Posted via Mobile Device
Praying is a great thing... it give you calm in your submission to God for help...
One thing for sure... God wants you to HELP YOURSELF WITH THE GUIDANCE OF HIS WORD!
Two passages come to mind...
1 Corinthians 7:15
But if the unbeliever departs (emotionally or physically meaning you no longer believe in your wife) then leave and go in peace. Do not keep your wife in a lie of love.
Ephesians 5 :25 - 33
If you cannot love,cherish and respect your wife as you love, cherish and respect yourself, then you are not husband...
As adultery is an allowable action for divorce, so is emotional abandonment.
As you have said you have forgiven her for the EA, if that be truly so, and she has repented, then now it is all about what you WANT, you are now neglecting your marriage emotionally. If you do not see within your heart the Spirit of God in you marriage...
Read through 1 Cor 7: 10 - 16
Rose,
Its so refreshing to read about the post from someone who has such a unique ability to encourage. Thanks for the perspective.
To the OP,
Although an EA was not a factor in my relationship, I've also struggled with doubts about my marriage of 24 years. For the bulk of our marriage, many of the emotional needs I have were just not a factor in our relationship. My wife struggles with bipolar depression and is very insecure. She really, really wanted to be a positive source of emotional support, joy, and maybe even encouragement at times, but its 'just not her' in her words.
What I can't get past, when it comes to our faith, is that people seem to assume that the Old Testament was annulled with Jesus' coming. It was fulfilled, yet it still contains incredible insight into God's view of marriage. So, why do we tend to only view a few NT verses, without even considering the actual physical context in which they were communicated?
I'm not trying to justify divorce, but to just point out that much of the undercurrent behind Jesus' comments about divorce in Mathew were because at the time in which he lived, there was the widespread, approved practice of Divorce for Any Cause. A man could divorce for virtually any reason he chose. Jesus was largely pointing them back to the Old Testament teachings of divorce. Some interpret this to mean that adultery is the only excusable rationale for divorce, but he was telling them that divorce was tolerated for certain reasons, just not any reason, although marriage was cherished and preferred by God.
Personally, I look at our marriage vows as a covenenant. Others don't, I know, while some look at it as just saying that a man or woman has to tolerate everything their spouse does to break the covenant. My wife made a covenant to try to meet my emotional needs, and I made the same. I think I've worked really hard to tell her that I feel so alone. She openly admits that I've carried her through life. At some point, though, I will have to tell her that after all the years, I'm weary and cannot continue this marriage alone.
Maybe I just need some clarity. Based on what you've wrote, it almost seems like your saying the man with the emotional detachment is okay to divorce because he's not really a Christian anyway. I just want to understand correctly so please help me.
Also, my understanding of that verse and passage is based on my study from the Greek text. Unbeliever is "apistos" in Greek and it means one without faith in God. In Greek, "a" means not and "pistos" means faith. And when making your own interpretations, one must consider the immediate context. Paul was not speaking about belief in our spouse or anyone else other than God. You can't overlook vs. 12 that tells the believer to stay with the unbeliever. Is your interpretation of unbeliever relevant to that verse also?
All Christians fall short of meeting ALL of God's instructions. Some are ignorant or unlearned. Some do it out of defiance. Posted via Mobile Device
Concerning verses 12 - 13 those are the words of Paul, as disciple of Jesus, and his wisedom is based upon the Lord himself. If a husband or wife chooses to remain with the unbeliever, then divorce should not be pursued. The believer is assured that the Lord still santifies them if they remain in the mairriage. Verse 15 - If the unbeliever chooses to depart, then let them go.. no spouse is under bondage as the Lord wishes us to be at peace.
The words WILLING and CHOOSES is the key to this... its not command, nor must, nor have to, etc etc... The only command is in verse 10 - 11 by the Lord, no man should ever divorce his wife. Whether she stays and reconciles, or goes.
I do agree that us humans as christians fall short of the Lord, as we are imperfect. But God also gave us that marvelous grey matter between the ears to work with. There is no cause for ignorance, for we have the bible within our midst, and learned men at the alter and pulpit, and as to defiance... that is pure mockery to the Lord and most disgraceful. In all those cases, those are unbelievers... for they CHOOSE not to follow the Word of the Lord. We are all prone to err, and to find the solution within our hearts via the Word. REPENTANCE and FORGIVENESS is his Word. No such thing as being a cherry-picking Christian...
Divorce for christian 
