Hello im new here and was wondering if someone who has experienced this can really help me out please. i am 19(please because im young dont let it affect this post i a, very mature for my age).live with parents only a couple of friends because the others have really hurt me in the past.i believe i have anxiety that has clung around my relationship with my perfect boyfriend who i have been with for two years and dont know why,its killing me .
I met him at a friends house and i didnt find him hugely attractive but he was very nice and i wanted to interact with him we exchanged numbers and met i think four times and then we decided to make it official i was soo excited i remember letting out a little scream.anyway first 6 months were difficult but great ,sex was amassing and we fell in love within a month or two and the attraction towards him grew hes gawjuss.He enjoyed playing football with his mates so id sit there in any weather for hours and kind of feel abandoned and un loved,also i was always causing arguments thinking he was looking at other women and was worried when someone hot appeared on tv because he was looking at them always asked if he loved me or how much and would get worried if he wanted to do certain things with his friends,worried about him cheating.anyway 6-7 months in was on the way to his and when i got there just burst into tears and had sudden fear , anxiety , depression feeling and felt like my feelings had changed and doubt about him but for no reason atall everything was perfect.i cryed for 3 days straight and was at an all time low but he helped me alot through it my libdo suddenly vanished ,didnt want to see my friends , didnt want to be alive , didnt want to be near anyone or anything and had a sudden hatred for my dad as he had an affair when i was 14 all the feelings came back from that day and i didnt want anything to do with him.i saw a Councillor bit didnt really do much . ever since then i have had doubt after doubt and my gut goes weird and then i cry my eyes out . I wrote a list of all positive and negative things in my relationship and everything was positive :l so why is this targeting the way i feel in my relationship i went from thinking he didnt love me to me thinking i dont love him .
anyway its a year and a half on and the doubts are still there but im determined not to end this relationship for no reason and i wont find another man like him our relationship has actually got alot better but still doubts are there.And i dont really get the wanting sex fee-lining only sometimes .i have had so many doubts and weird thoughts about maybe i am ment to be a man or maybe im a lesbian and much more. I deeply want to be with this man for a long time i would love to get married to him and happily have his kids aswell .I have always been a worry-er and over thinking everything i get it from my mum but not to this extent.
I even think of being with someone else and it just makes me sick
i suddenly thought i loved my ex but he is a horrible man and done nasty things .Also i worry about liking every boy i see i ddint want a new job incase i fell in love with one of them but i have a new job and guess what i dont love any of them none of them are good looking. I will talk to them and after be like oh no was i flirting do i like them dont i love my boyfriend and so on .
I also am scared 90% of the time since this all happened i always feel like im not alone and i feel like someone is watching me 24/7 and it scares the poo out of me, i feel like that feeling you get from watching a scary movie but all the time . i cant have a shower or bath without anyone being upstairs , i dont up stairs on my own, i dont use mirrors , i have to have things put in my ears when i sleep incase i hear someone whisper , the door has to be open when i go to bed and i get so many scary un wanted thoughts sometimes im too scared to get out of bed or move from room to room .
i find my self at the end of a day to have to breathe deeply to get every single thought out of my head and relax to actually fall asleep but when my partner stays i dont need to do that because he relaxs me .
so its not just my relationship it was my father and this too can someone please help me . thankyou .
please help im starting to give up
i cant laugh cry anything