godslilpixie

I am due to get married in three weeks time. My fiance and I have been engaged for 5 months and together for more than two years and we have been through a lot together, and he has changed a great deal (he has had to work through a lot of issues and at one point I broke up with him, then saw he changed and we started seeing each other again).

What has not changed much is his temper. He is not violent, but he does on occasion shout at me. He knows it's wrong and he apologises when he calms down, and he is trying to control it. What he does do on a regular basis, however, is swear at me. He says the f word a lot when he feels frustrated about things. And sometimes he says "f- you" to me. We do have a tendency to argue a bit, too, and I'm not saying it's all one-sided!

We started pre-marital counselling but couldn't afford to continue with it till after the wedding since it is so expensive.

My question is - should I be marrying someone who speaks to me like this? I'm really worried about it. Whenever we have had issues in our relationship, I have set boundaries and left him when he would not change, but if we are married, I can't - we are in it for life and maybe I will have him swear at me every day?

I do love him and there are so many good things about him, this is the only thing I am worried about. I'm too afraid to share this with my family in case they suggest I don't marry him! What is your advice? Is it really that bad? Will it change?

Blanca

I used to be this way too. cross my line and im outta here. I read a passage from Setting Personal Boundaries - protecting self and i just started laughing. it was me exactly. here's the quote:

"When I first encountered the concept of boundaries, I thought of them as lines that I would draw in the sand - and if you stepped across them I would shoot you (figuratively speaking.) (I had this image of some place like the Alamo - from a movie I guess - where a sword was used to draw a line in the sand, and then those that were going to stay and fight to the death stepped across it.) I thought that boundaries had to be rigid and final and somehow kind of fatal."

But you are right. once you are married you cant just walk away. and one of the biggest challenges for me was how to learn to love someone who had behaviors that I hated. I wanted to just walk away, but i couldnt. but i didnt know what else to do.

So i started learning about what boundaries were really about. that has helped a lot.

It is really disrespectful that he talks to you that way, and if you are having this many doubts about the marriage then dont do it. but for me, i knew i was going to be with my H forever, and the marriage was just a formality. i couldnt walk away even though we fought A LOT before we were married. i wanted to work through it, i just didnt know how. for me it wasnt a question of whether i wanted to get married or not, it was just a question of how to make it work.

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"I'm a lover of what is, not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality."
- Bryon Katie

MarkTwain

ljtseng-

Good advice, but here is another viewpoint.

It comes down to self esteem. If you have high self esteem, then someone shouting at you just blows through you just like wind through a picket fence.

If we feel low, then every prod that life sends us leaves us feeling bruised. Of course, if you have high self esteem, people are less likely to shout at you anyway.

I always apologise if I row with my wife. I tell her afterwards that I meant the complaint, but not the disrespect. I've yet to meet a woman who could not give as good as she got! These days, I feel good about arguing. I think it can be healthy if there is no violence and not too much nastiness; and most importantly, that the air is cleared afterwards: no grudges.

However, on balance, a shouting fiancé does not sound ideal, and it is well known that after marriage, people feel less need to be polite.

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MT

ScreamingInSilence

I would suggest making the difference between screaming & swearing and verbal abuse. I would draw the line at name-calling, which is verbal abuse.

I also really agree with the above comment. Some of us are tougher-skinned than others. If you can let it roll off your back like water, then no biggie. But it seems to really bother you... so it's harder to just look past.

Marriage is forever binding - if you're unsure, then don't go on with it. Would you buy a house if you weren't that sure about it? Probably not...

He needs to respect you the way you need to be respected...

Wyst

There is one thing I would add to the above responses. Don't ignore gut feel. Gut feel is the subconscious recognition of patterns that the mind is trying to warn you about.

This includes gut feel that might seem to be at odds with your faith. Perhaps you can push out the wedding date a bit?

The other side of the matter is your leaving him every time he doesn't comply with a boundary you set. There's a limit to how many times you can do this and remain in the realm fo being reasonable. What is he asking you to change, I wonder?

You can ask a person to change, but whether they do is entirely up to them. The only person we can ever change is ourselves - and I know I frequently fail myself dismally! If the marriage is based on too many change requests, then there is a fundamental lack of acceptance of the person as they are. This can only lead to the ****ney rhyming slang definition of a wife - "trouble and strife"!

You are going to need to give this all very careful thought. Try writing it down - pro's and con's columns can be very useful sometimes!

GAsoccerman

does he talk to his mother this way?

jaclynnbaker

Hello dear, I feel for you so much and let me tell you, you do not want to be married to a man that speaks to you that way. It will break you down and destroy your spirit. That is what happens to so many women in marriage anyway. I know how hard it is to take advice, especially advice that causes you to "get out of your comfort zone" and change plans and such. I am not one to take advice of this nature as I do not like disturbing things.
I have a few suggestions for you. I have some serious problems in my marriage right now and so when you read my postings about that you may decide that taking advice from me may not be wise, but I have been and am sometimes still are where you are.
First of all, I am firm believer that God is in the heart changing business. Is your husband to be a believer? If he is not, there is your red flag. If he is, he really needs conviction to deal with his attitude problems. Either way you have a problem, but the main one is if he is not a believer then you are unequally yoked and that is clearly sin in the bible. It will be hard for God to work in your marriage if you choose to go this path. Not hard...excuse me, nothing is HARD for God, I just feel IMO that God may not exert his protective hand as much if you choose to pursure this marriage to an unbeliever. If he is however a believer it is your Christian place as his future wife and partner to direct him. It says in the proverbs that a man who takes direction is wise. If you feel conviction even when he does not, you are instructed to lead him and he should follow. Not in a messed up role reverse ordeal, just as backup for when his conviction fails. God will use you as a tool to lead him in the path of righteousness. That is part of our jobs as wifes. To be what our husband needs to keep from stumbling and to help the when they lack direction or conviction.
Now, suggestions. There is a WONDERFUL read titled Facinating Womanhood. It should be available at any bookstore, Amazon or even ebay. It is a very old classic read and has saved many marriages. You may find the Facinating Girl version better for your situation, I don't really know. Either way it is a great read and a life change that YOU will make to bring about positive change in HIM. Next, check out the new movie Fireproof. It is great! Have him watch it with you. There is a book that goes with the movie and also a website (FW has a website too, just google it) Welcome To FireProofMyMarriage.com there are SO many resources on this website that you could draw strength and advice from.
Basically, work through as many problems as you can before you say I do. It will please God and make the marriage have a head start. Too many couples these days think if it does not work out we will just do counseling or get a divorce. Neither is a responsible way to enter into a convenant with God.

1+1+1=1 (Man+Woman+God=Marriage)
Good luck hunny and God bless you and your husband. I will add you to my prayer list.

Jaclyn

someonewhoknewmotormouth

So, what did you end up doing? Marrying or not?

sooner2000

Wow, he says F-you? I don't care if he is angry or not, that's no way to speak to your significant other. I would seriously consider if this is who you want to spend the rest of your life with. Such disrespect should not be allowed within any marriage.

sooner2000

Oops! I just checked the date of the original post, so I'm sure my advise is well past your decision.