Don't know if you have said or not...but is there any chance that your wife might be a closet alcoholic or be hooked on drugs bad? I don't mean that mean or harsh at all but she does sound to me like someone that could have a terrible addiction,I hope not. Maybe it is from the family issures that her family has had. If so...I would to God that every real and genuine christain that knows how to really get ahold of God would start a fast and prayer chain for you and your wife. I would love to see God do a real,literal,visible miracle for you and her.
Please don't make me a hero. I blame myself because I saw a lot of early signs about this kind of stuff way back when we dated. It just never got this bad. And we always talked our way through things. And I was young, stupid and in love. My biggest problem is that I've had pretty low self-esteem all my life, so when she said bad things about me, I just internalized them and believed they were true. Until recently, I actually believed I deserved to be treated the way I was being treated. No heroism there. Just my own dysfunction being co-dependent with hers. But I'm growing and learning how to be assertive, so there is some good coming out of the bad.
I've gotten to be less dependent on how others see me; when the love of your life sees you as nothing but bad, somehow what the guy in the cubicle at work thinks about you doesn't matter any more. That's more good coming out of the bad. But please don't make me out to be a hero. I was just a broken guy who didn't know to expect any better.
I don't think she's into mind-altering substances. In addition to her other physical issues, she has a liver disease (unrelated to alcohol), and she's been told that even moderate drinking could be deadly for her. She's not even allowed to take acetominophen. And she does take that pretty seriously, so I just don't see it happening.
I honestly believe her brokenness is caused by all the family stuff she's endured. An early example; her parents wouldn't let her join her school's choir because they were afraid she might get a solo, she might actually be good at said solo, and if she was good at singing she might get conceited and selfish. Rather than let her do something she might enjoy or be good at, they immediately assumed the worst would happen so never let her participate in anything. They grudgingly allowed her to be inducted into Honor Society in her senior year (her grades had always been good), but were very worried about it. They were afraid she'd get a big-head and "city-fied" if she spent too much time around other academic achievers.
She just barely made it to college (once there, she excelled) due to her parents' lack of support. They saw a college degree as something else to brag about. Fortunately, she had a teacher her senior year who saw her potential and took it as a mission to talk her parents into letting her apply to college. Her dad's preferred method of punishing her as a teen was to refuse to talk to her for as long as a week at a time. (Funny thing; now he's refusing to talk to me! His methods haven't changed much over the years) Having that kind of upbringing can't have been good for someone's psyche.
As I've been a part of her family for two decades, I've observed that they have more than their share of drama. And I'm starting to realize that maybe they bring a lot of that drama on themselves. Refusing to talk to people over imagined slights is not normal. I've heard them publicly accuse people of murder without proof and when the police had already ruled the death a suicide. Those kinds of things definitely don't lead to a drama-free life.
So our problem is that two broken people got married to each other and brought our baggage with us. I'm responsible for at least half of our problems. I haven't been a perfect husband; when I'm tired my sarcasm comes out when I least expect it and I know I've hurt people's feelings. But I've always tried to help out around the house, be responsible, and support her dreams. I apologize a lot, even when I don't think I've done anything wrong. But until this past year, we've still said "I love you" and had sex, even when times were tough. Now that she has told me there's no love left and actually moved me to another room is new territory for us.
In my opinion, she has let her anger over all the disappointments she's felt with me rule her life. Her bitterness toward me is a palpable thing. And that's so sad to me.
You're wife has been hurting for a long time. People that are hurting do crazy things. Unthinkable things.
If your wife is cheating, she's going to try and make you look horrible. Meanwhile, she's going to be duelling her own nature in her brain. That kind of brain warfare takes a toll on a person, and in external appearances makes someone seem legitimately crazy.
Imagine the stress of knowing you're a decent person but being extremely deceitful to your spouse and betraying your marriage vows. The more positively you treat her, the more guilt and shame she will feel and the crazier it will make her. Until she hits the point where her pleasure is greater than pain though, she'll continue.
That's why I think it's a good idea to get some "proof". If you can get proof she's cheating, you can kick her out, and that will change her idea to the whole thing quite rapidly. With the actions your wife is taking, it's clear to me that something else is going on. It might just be an EA, but it's still cheating nonetheless.
I'd start reading books about infidelity and recovering from an affair so you can spot the signs and develop a game plan before you find out for sure. I'm so glad that I had the information and had a plan before I found out.
Today's our 18 year anniversary. Given her strong reaction a few weeks back when I asked her how (and if) she wanted to celebrate it this year, I decided to keep things cool and see if she acknowledged it. So far, I haven't even gotten a "Good morning," much less "happy anniversary."
I wrote her a card last night that basically says thanks for being a good mother to our son. I'm going to give it to her tonight. But it still stinks that things have gotten so toxic that she doesn't even want to acknowledge the day. Most years, she's been all over this and has actually pushed me to plan bigger and better dates every year. She's always insisted that we do something even if it was difficult because of the holiday a week away.
This year, it's just another day. When a relationship is so dead that the WIFE doesn't want to celebrate the anniversary, is there any hope left?
Today's our 18 year anniversary. Given her strong reaction a few weeks back when I asked her how (and if) she wanted to celebrate it this year, I decided to keep things cool and see if she acknowledged it. So far, I haven't even gotten a "Good morning," much less "happy anniversary."
I wrote her a card last night that basically says thanks for being a good mother to our son. I'm going to give it to her tonight. But it still stinks that things have gotten so toxic that she doesn't even want to acknowledge the day. Most years, she's been all over this and has actually pushed me to plan bigger and better dates every year. She's always insisted that we do something even if it was difficult because of the holiday a week away.
This year, it's just another day. When a relationship is so dead that the WIFE doesn't want to celebrate the anniversary, is there any hope left?
It's so sad, but then not that surprising.
There's hope, but not while she's still involved with an EA or PA. You'll keep hearing us bring it up because it's so obvious to those of us that have been in your shoes. Have you done any snooping yet? Posted via Mobile Device
There's hope, but not while she's still involved with an EA or PA. You'll keep hearing us bring it up because it's so obvious to those of us that have been in your shoes. Have you done any snooping yet? Posted via Mobile Device
I don't have the resources to do any serious snooping. She handles the finances, and things are so tight she'd notice if I purchased a key logger or hired a detective.
However, the things she tells me about how she spends her day check out. For example, when she says she hasn't felt well and that she and our son just had a lazy day at home, I can tell (from the odometer and how it was parked) that the car really hasn't moved. When she says she spent the whole day at Sam's Club, there really is a trunk full of groceries for me to unload. Other than her disrespect toward me, I have never caught her in an inconsistencies that would indicate an affair.
Her response to my confrontation was to take on a very paranoid worldview. She accused me of bugging our house phone, even up to the point of having our local phone company come out and run diagnostic tests on our phone lines to ensure there weren't any phone taps.
Through a lot of other things in her life and her family's, I really believe she doesn't have the ability to see people as anything other than black and white. The fact that she lives with me and sees my faults means that I must be bad since I'm not perfect. Once she sees me as bad, everything I do must be bad. Our marriage counselor even suggested (privately) that I read "No More Walking on Eggshells," which is about Borderline Personality Disorder. Our counselor didn't make any diagnosis or say anything else other than that I should read the book. But I wonder if she was hinting at something.
I've watched her mom and dad make friends with complete strangers and share all the family secrets within the first week of knowing someone. After about 6 months, they'll learn something unpleasant about that person and then write them off and tell everyone else how bad they are. Frequently, they'll end up moving and/or changing phone numbers to get away from that person because now that person knows an awful lot of family dirty laundry. I've seen this happen time and time and time again.
They can also flip the other way; they used to badmouth my ex-brother-in-law (yeah, that one) to me non-stop. These days, he's the best thing that ever happened to the family, and I'm guessing her mom and dad would love it if my wife did leave me for him. Jerry Springer knows nothing about drama compared to this stuff!
Her mom is in poor health, and the family is frequently citing stress as a cause. And there certainly is cause for stress. Between some sexual abuse, murders and suicides, there is certainly a lot of stress. But a lot of the stress is self-induced. And for some reason I seem to be the only one who can see this.
Sometimes, I wish there were an affair. At least then I'd know what I'm up against and could deal with it appropriately.
Coming late into this. I have basically only read the long first post. Your problem is really not with your wife but with your religion. Most religions believe in divorce. Or at least that the husband is entitled to. They realise that some people just dont get on together and there is no need to suffer for life. I dont know if you have done counselling or if your religion allows it. But without it just waiting and I suppose youre praying hard as well for improvement just doesnt work. You first have to sort your religion out, I wouldnt wonder if that wasnt part of your marriage problems and then your wife.
I don't have the resources to do any serious snooping. She handles the finances, and things are so tight she'd notice if I purchased a key logger or hired a detective.
However, the things she tells me about how she spends her day check out. For example, when she says she hasn't felt well and that she and our son just had a lazy day at home, I can tell (from the odometer and how it was parked) that the car really hasn't moved. When she says she spent the whole day at Sam's Club, there really is a trunk full of groceries for me to unload. Other than her disrespect toward me, I have never caught her in an inconsistencies that would indicate an affair.
Her response to my confrontation was to take on a very paranoid worldview. She accused me of bugging our house phone, even up to the point of having our local phone company come out and run diagnostic tests on our phone lines to ensure there weren't any phone taps.
She may not be involved in a physical affair, it could be through emails, phone, texts, etc. That's often how most of them start, and since your first evidence was via email, that's where I'd start. A keylogger is a good idea, there's many free ones on the internet (google free keylogger).
Can you check her phone records online or from a paper bill? Or get physical access to her phone? Is she deleting phone text messages or call logs?
I definitely wouldn't do anything to appear desperate or clingy. At the least I would give her a card letting her know that you respect her and value her as a person and as a good mother. If you want to "do something" I would plan activity you could do, something that doesn't require full concentration on the other person (like Dinner would be out but maybe painting or go-karts). You can let her know that you made fun plans for the anniversary and you'd enjoy her company but if she doesn't want to come you are still going to go.
If she says no, go out and have a fun time. Don't answer the phone while you're out. Make sure you do something you're sure to enjoy so you'll actually come back with a smile on your face.
It's sad to play games but sadly sometimes that's what is needed. I still don't think she's cheating (could be wrong though)... maybe going through some sort of chemical imbalance do to illness??
I honestly believe her brokenness is caused by all the family stuff she's endured. An early example; her parents wouldn't let her join her school's choir because they were afraid she might get a solo, she might actually be good at said solo, and if she was good at singing she might get conceited and selfish. Rather than let her do something she might enjoy or be good at, they immediately assumed the worst would happen so never let her participate in anything. They grudgingly allowed her to be inducted into Honor Society in her senior year (her grades had always been good), but were very worried about it. They were afraid she'd get a big-head and "city-fied" if she spent too much time around other academic achievers.
She just barely made it to college (once there, she excelled) due to her parents' lack of support. They saw a college degree as something else to brag about. Fortunately, she had a teacher her senior year who saw her potential and took it as a mission to talk her parents into letting her apply to college. Her dad's preferred method of punishing her as a teen was to refuse to talk to her for as long as a week at a time. (Funny thing; now he's refusing to talk to me! His methods haven't changed much over the years) Having that kind of upbringing can't have been good for someone's psyche.
As I've been a part of her family for two decades, I've observed that they have more than their share of drama. And I'm starting to realize that maybe they bring a lot of that drama on themselves. Refusing to talk to people over imagined slights is not normal. I've heard them publicly accuse people of murder without proof and when the police had already ruled the death a suicide. Those kinds of things definitely don't lead to a drama-free life.
So our problem is that two broken people got married to each other and brought our baggage with us. I'm responsible for at least half of our problems. I haven't been a perfect husband; when I'm tired my sarcasm comes out when I least expect it and I know I've hurt people's feelings. But I've always tried to help out around the house, be responsible, and support her dreams. I apologize a lot, even when I don't think I've done anything wrong. But until this past year, we've still said "I love you" and had sex, even when times were tough. Now that she has told me there's no love left and actually moved me to another room is new territory for us.
In my opinion, she has let her anger over all the disappointments she's felt with me rule her life. Her bitterness toward me is a palpable thing. And that's so sad to me.
It sounds like you've already figured out the problem!!! Resentment and low self esteem goes a long way at hurting a marriage...for BOTH of you. However communication can go further in healing it!!!
I change my vote regarding your Anniversary...I say ask her to join you in counseling so that you can have a positive forum to open lines of communication. IMO she is feeling hurt and no amount of housework will heal that...especially if you said things just drastically changed only this year.
It sounds like you've already figured out the problem!!! Resentment and low self esteem goes a long way at hurting a marriage...for BOTH of you. However communication can go further in healing it!!!
I change my vote regarding your Anniversary...I say ask her to join you in counseling so that you can have a positive forum to open lines of communication. IMO she is feeling hurt and no amount of housework will heal that...especially if you said things just drastically changed only this year.
We've done counseling. It was in a counseling session that I confronted her about the e-mails. She's since said that the only thing we ever do in counseling is argue and then pray (it's a Christian counselor), and we can do that at home for free. So she's pretty much made it clear she thinks the counseling is a waste of time.
Our counselor told me she sees that reaction a lot when things start to go a little deeper. She says it's not an uncommon reaction for one spouse to pull back for a while when the counseling touches on a sensitive area. She's encouraging me to continue coming in for individual counseling and at the the worst I'll be gaining additional insight that will help me cope. At best, maybe my wife will see that I'm still making an effort and will want to come back.
So one of my New Year's resolutions is to resume counseling, with or without my wife.
That is the problem with counselors there arent many good ones around. Praying doesnt sort problems out.
You have to get a counselor who agree to be a judge when you argue and its best not a religious one.
We've done counseling. It was in a counseling session that I confronted her about the e-mails. She's since said that the only thing we ever do in counseling is argue and then pray (it's a Christian counselor), and we can do that at home for free. So she's pretty much made it clear she thinks the counseling is a waste of time.
Our counselor told me she sees that reaction a lot when things start to go a little deeper. She says it's not an uncommon reaction for one spouse to pull back for a while when the counseling touches on a sensitive area. She's encouraging me to continue coming in for individual counseling and at the the worst I'll be gaining additional insight that will help me cope. At best, maybe my wife will see that I'm still making an effort and will want to come back.
So one of my New Year's resolutions is to resume counseling, with or without my wife.
First of all I apologize, I some how missed your post that yesterday was your anniversary, so sorry for the anniversary reference.
Second, did you read the book that your counselor suggested?
I agree with you that I think she was trying to imply something. Although I still don't think your wife is cheating, I do think that she probably has been sharing her thoughts with the sister's ex and he is probably getting the wrong idea about you (since you've said she has called you all sorts of things).
Definitely stick to the New Year's resolution!!!! It can only help...with or without her.
Admittedly, it is a little strange for the man to be the one lamenting that the wife didn't celebrate the anniversary. However, since she's made such a big deal about it in the past, that makes this year's lack of even a greeting that much more glaring.
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Re: Is there hope? 
