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post #31 of 83 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 01:25 PM
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Re: Sex in marriage

I've spent 30 years in a marriage where the gap in sexual interests is too big to bridge.


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I was told that when we were dating, 'well how do you know that you will be compatible?' Its really nonsense. You communicate, you compromise, you work at the sex life, you put the other person first. People who live together before marriage are more likely to get divorced, so that disproves that theory anyway.


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post #32 of 83 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 01:29 PM
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Re: Sex in marriage

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I think that for me, the fact that a man is prepared to wait for marriage shows he has integrity, a strong character, and loves and respects me. He is saying that he wont have sex with me until he has made a 100% commitment to me in marriage. He has self control and patience and wants to get to know me before jumping into bed. It shows he is prepared to be different from most men, go against the worlds standards, and the fact that he hasn't slept around is a great attraction for me.
Apparently men who have had many partners are less likely to be faithful as well. So another plus.
If the man (or woman) is young, like late teens or early 20s then I agree with you. Mid 20s or later it is more of a red flag that the person isn't that into sex and they're using their supposed morals as an excuse to avoid it. 20 year old virgin who's raring to go? Marriage material. 30 year old virgin who's never slipped? Prepare to be sexless.
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post #33 of 83 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 01:36 PM
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Re: Sex in marriage

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Originally Posted by Diana7 View Post
I was told that when we were dating, 'well how do you know that you will be compatible?' Its really nonsense. You communicate, you compromise, you work at the sex life, you put the other person first. People who live together before marriage are more likely to get divorced, so that disproves that theory anyway.
This idea has been proven false, BTW, so is not a valid argument against cohabitation or premarital sex.

Cohabitation Doesn't Cause Divorce, After All

Of course, there are some nuances. People who cohabitate too soon or for the wrong reasons still have a higher failure rate, but in general, cohabitation has no negative effect.

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

CELIBACY IS NOT HEREDITARY.
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post #34 of 83 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 03:14 PM
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Re: Sex in marriage

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Well, getting to know the person on an intellectual/emotional level is one. Sex, from my observation, usually distorts how you see the person. What do I mean? You become "connected" in a way. You are less likely to break up with someone for a bad quality when you are already banging them whereas if you weren't you probably would have dropped them with the quickness. Sex often seems like self medication to a bad relationship. There are problems, clear ones; but when you have sex they take a back seat. It works before marriage but when you two are married and living together it doesn't work anymore.
I believe this to be very true. It is partially the hormones released and those you acquire from your mate. I also think this is why a good sex life while married is crucial.

This is part of the reason that you read a lot of affairs (in CWI) that occur with exes.
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post #35 of 83 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 03:16 PM
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Re: Sex in marriage

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You cannot draw the conclusion of more divorces means worse. I would argue, as in my case and OP, that people who don't have other prior partners may go most of their life not knowing how pathetic their life actually is. They suffer in silence in marriages because they don't know better or are trapped by moral obligation imposed by society or religion. I would argue that the people that divorce represent those that correctly recognized a bad relationship and felt empowered to leave it to find happiness. Ironically, a low divorce rate may signify a higher percentage of unhappy relationships. My wife and I are sexually incompatible. There are people that want sex everyday and people that want sex once a month. If you think these people can be happy if they just communicate and compromise, you are smoking something. They might stay together, but will never be happy. Staying together is not a sign of success.
While I agree with you that just because someone stays married, it doesn't mean a successful marriage,

she is spot on about communication, compromise and working together to have good sex.

People are not hardwired LD or HD. People are malleable and can alter their sexual appetites and drive by working on it.

I had about 60 partners before I met my wife. We have great sex but it took a lot of work.

My best friend got married as a virgin. His sex life is probably better than mine but it also took a lot of work to get there.

Fvcking a lot of people doesn't really make you a good sex partner.

Working with and communicating with your SO will make you a fantastic sex partner.

I'm not talking theoretically at all. I know several people personally that have altered their appetites and drives.
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post #36 of 83 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 04:09 PM
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Re: Sex in marriage

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You cannot draw the conclusion of more divorces means worse. I would argue, as in my case and OP, that people who don't have other prior partners may go most of their life not knowing how pathetic their life actually is. They suffer in silence in marriages because they don't know better or are trapped by moral obligation imposed by society or religion. I would argue that the people that divorce represent those that correctly recognized a bad relationship and felt empowered to leave it to find happiness. Ironically, a low divorce rate may signify a higher percentage of unhappy relationships. My wife and I are sexually incompatible. There are people that want sex everyday and people that want sex once a month. If you think these people can be happy if they just communicate and compromise, you are smoking something. They might stay together, but will never be happy. Staying together is not a sign of success.
We didnt live together or have sex with each other before marriage. We got to know each other very well before marriage, we communicated about sex as about many other things.
In marriage its not all about what WE want. Its about compromise and thinking of the other person. So if one person wants sex once a month and one twice a week, then you compromise and make it once a week, say. If one spouse expects their way all the time, something is wrong.
Even if we dont 'feel' like having sex one day and our partner does, we can, shock horror, still have sex with them whether we 'feel' like it or not because we love them and care about them. I have done that often.

So its not vital that both want sex exactly the same number of times because in marriage we are 2 different people and will never be the same in sex or anything else.
As time goes on, sex lives change, children come along, there may be illnesses or other issues that change the whole physical relationship, and if the whole marriage is based on whether both spouses have the same sort of sexual desires, it wont last. Prior partners add nothing to the marriage, a good sex life is what you make of it between the 2 of you, and isn't dependant on what do did or didn't do before.
We are missing nothing by not having slept around. I am far more attracted to my husband because he never did that. Its one of the things I love about him.
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post #37 of 83 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 04:10 PM
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Re: Sex in marriage

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People are not hardwired LD or HD.
No, but what they learn or experience growing up can sometimes be irreversible. So by the time they meet their partner, they are, in fact, hardwired.

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People are malleable and can alter their sexual appetites and drive by working on it.
I appreciate your optimism, but my wife represents exhibit A for the counter argument. She expresses interest in changing but literally cannot change the way her brain views men and sex. Years of therapy have failed to make a dent. She has acknowledged it and wants it to be different, but is simply not able to change. Communication is not the problem. We've aired it ALL out.
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post #38 of 83 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 04:15 PM
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Re: Sex in marriage

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While I agree with you that just because someone stays married, it doesn't mean a successful marriage,

she is spot on about communication, compromise and working together to have good sex.

People are not hardwired LD or HD. People are malleable and can alter their sexual appetites and drive by working on it.

I had about 60 partners before I met my wife. We have great sex but it took a lot of work.

My best friend got married as a virgin. His sex life is probably better than mine but it also took a lot of work to get there.

Fvcking a lot of people doesn't really make you a good sex partner.

Working with and communicating with your SO will make you a fantastic sex partner.

I'm not talking theoretically at all. I know several people personally that have altered their appetites and drives.
You are right, and as you said you are someone who did sleep with a lot of people, I am sure you know that most of the time casual flings/one night stands are about getting what you want, and not learning or bothering about what the other person wants. Sleeping around a lot doesn't make anyone a better lover or mean you will have a better sex life.
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post #39 of 83 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 04:17 PM
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Re: Sex in marriage

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No, but what they learn or experience growing up can sometimes be irreversible. So by the time they meet their partner, they are, in fact, hardwired.

I appreciate your optimism, but my wife represents exhibit A for the counter argument. She expresses interest in changing but literally cannot change the way her brain views men and sex. Years of therapy have failed to make a dent. She has acknowledged it and wants it to be different, but is simply not able to change. Communication is not the problem. We've aired it ALL out.
Even she can have sex purely for you sake whether she wants it or not.
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post #40 of 83 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 05:00 PM
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Re: Sex in marriage

Confining sex to marriage in the context of history made sense. It ensured that a woman would have someone there who would care for her child at a point in time where she was prohibited from doing so herself.

It seems like one of those religious rules that was born more from the necessity of the day than anything. Like not eating pigs or shellfish.

There's also the matter of it being the norm of the day that people would get married in their teens, rather than trying to smother their hormones for an extra decade or two. Probably makes a difference.

I'm reminded of the old question WWJD? Trying to put myself in his position, I'd have to think there would be bigger fish to fry than worrying about who's putting their penis where, and at what time.

You know like teaching people to be kind to each other instead.


Darling it's better down where it's wetter, take it from me! --- Sebastian
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post #41 of 83 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 05:03 PM
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Re: Sex in marriage

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Confining sex to marriage in the context of history made sense. It ensured that a woman would have someone there who would care for her child at a point in time where she was prohibited from doing so herself.

It seems like one of those religious rules that was born more from the necessity of the day than anything. Like not eating pigs or shellfish.

There's also the matter of it being the norm of the day that people would get married in their teens, rather than trying to smother their hormones for an extra decade or two. Probably makes a difference.

I'm reminded of the old question WWJD? Trying to put myself in his position, I'd have to think there would be bigger fish to fry than worrying about who's putting their penis where, and at what time.

You know like teaching people to be kind to each other instead.
God warns about things for our own good. He knows that certain things will mess us up which is why He gives advise on how to live. Sex is important, and that's why We need to take it seriously.
Using someone for our own lusts in casual sex isnt being loving towards them or respecting them.
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post #42 of 83 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 05:05 PM
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Re: Sex in marriage

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God warns about things for our own good. He knows that certain things will mess us up which is why He gives advise on how to live. Sex is important, and that's why We need to take it seriously.
Using someone for our own lusts in casual sex isnt being loving towards them or respecting them.
I said nothing about casual sex

Darling it's better down where it's wetter, take it from me! --- Sebastian
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post #43 of 83 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 05:10 PM
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Re: Sex in marriage

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C

I'm reminded of the old question WWJD?
Wow, talk about a lasting impression ... but hey, if you are asking yourself "What Would jld Do?", more power to you
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post #44 of 83 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 05:11 PM
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Re: Sex in marriage

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I'd have to think there would be bigger fish to fry than worrying about who's putting their penis where, and at what time.

You know like teaching people to be kind to each other instead.
If people were kind to each other, they wouldn't try to put their penis into someone through lies, deceit and trickery.

Plus, using someone for our own lusts WHILE IN A MARRIAGE isn't being loving, either.

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post #45 of 83 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 05:25 PM
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Re: Sex in marriage

I grew up in a strict religious household and had it DRILLED into me from a young age that sex outside of marriage was HUGE HUGE no-no. So when I got drunk at my 16th birthday and decided on the spur of the moment to lose my virginity, I felt ridiculously obligated to the guy when I sobered up, ended up marrying him and having three kids with him, and divorcing him 14 years later. He was the first guy I slept with, and my second husband was the second guy. Looking back now, I know that if I hadn’t been dealt a severe case of religious guilt, there’s no way I would have married him. No way at all – it was a mistake and I KNEW it was a mistake but I had to ‘do the right thing’ which in my mind was marrying him since I’d slept with him. Twisted thinking for sure.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.


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