Husband stopped going to church - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 32 (permalink) Old 09-03-2016, 06:19 PM Thread Starter
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Exclamation Husband stopped going to church

When I met my husband, he said he was a Christian. If he had said otherwise, we probably never would have gotten together. For about 2 years, as long as we had a church, he went with me (there was a period when we left our church and didn't have one for a while). Then in like May, we had MAJOR problams and the fight lasted about a week.

At that point, he stopped going to church and he refuses to go. He said that he didn't want to go because my mom went to that church, but there are 3 services and it would be easier to go to a different service than her (He wants nothing to do with her at this point). I have asked a million times, I have stopped asking for a while and then just asked a couple times occasionally, I have suggested watching the live stream of the service from home or at least going to events for the young adult group, but he absolutely refuses.

We've been separated for over a month, closer to a month and a half. A LOT of stuff happened and he was planning on filing for divorce. FINALLY, he agreed to work on things and we start counseling on Tuesday. But there are the past issues and now the separation has caused added problems. And from my side, the biggest current problems are 1. He now won't say "I love you" EVER and 2. He STILL won't go to church.

I don't know what to do. Obviously I can't force him and asking every week obviously won't help. So what am I supposed to do? And it's not even just the specific issue of him going to church. His refusal to go to church is affecting other things. Like we're supposed to go to the state fair tomorrow. Since he has some kind of sleep issue where it's REALLY hard to wake himself up or for anyone to wake him up, he said that it would be easiest if I slept over tonight and we went to the fair in the morning, so I'd be there to wake him up. But I already missed curch last week and I don't want to miss it again, so I said I'd go to the early service and then we could go to the fair. But he said he might not wake up in time. So I suggested I come over tonight, then we BOTH go to the early service and then go to the fair. His response was "I'm not going to church." So now we may not get to go to the fair because of this.

And it's not even just like a matter of me respecting his wishes or whatever. He knew how important Christianity and God were to me when we met and I was led to believe it was important to him too. Now he wants to change his mind and that's not fair to me because I was promised a loving, Christian husband. Now what do I do? I can't even talk to him about it because it'll just cause a fight or I'll just get upset and it won't change what he does. I already tried talking to him about the "I love you" thing last night and that didn't go well. I can't wait until we go to counseling, but I don't know if even that will help. I just don't know what to do.

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post #2 of 32 (permalink) Old 09-04-2016, 10:58 AM
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Re: Husband stopped going to church

What are the other issues?

What was the fight about?

What led to the separation?

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #3 of 32 (permalink) Old 09-04-2016, 11:14 AM
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Re: Husband stopped going to church

People change. This is the new version of him, and it seems he is happy with it, even if you are not. You can't change him, so you have to decide what you can accept.

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

CELIBACY IS NOT HEREDITARY.
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post #4 of 32 (permalink) Old 09-04-2016, 11:58 AM
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Re: Husband stopped going to church

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Originally Posted by Married but Happy View Post
People change. This is the new version of him, and it seems he is happy with it, even if you are not. You can't change him, so you have to decide what you can accept.
It may not be a change at all. OP stated her husband said he was a Christian but did he show he was a Christian? Please, OP, don't say he use to go to church because I know a lot of drug dealers that go to church. Church attendance in itself doesn't prove one is Christian.

You can't force him. He will go when he is ready. You can pray that God will change his heart and he will be saved (because he doesn't sound like he is) and he will congregate with other believers.
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post #5 of 32 (permalink) Old 09-04-2016, 12:06 PM
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Re: Husband stopped going to church

I've been to church a few times in my life. I never did like it. If somebody drug me along as a child I'd spend the time mentally undressing the girls there.

I came into this world an unbaptized bastard child. An OC from the summer of love. If there is a God, he hates me. The thing is, even being on the outs spiritually, I live by a code of honor. I don't cheat anyone, steal from anyone, or make my living at someone else's expense. The point being, church has nothing to do with what kind of man your hubby is.
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post #6 of 32 (permalink) Old 09-04-2016, 12:06 PM
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Re: Husband stopped going to church

There are many kinds of Christians. Some are very sincere and devout, and some are very casual and laid-back and may not attend church. All are still Christians, even if not your particular "brand."

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

CELIBACY IS NOT HEREDITARY.
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post #7 of 32 (permalink) Old 09-04-2016, 02:33 PM
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Re: Husband stopped going to church

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Originally Posted by farsidejunky View Post
What are the other issues?

What was the fight about?

What led to the separation?
Start here with what farside posted.



Try not to blame yourself for his seeming change of mind. You can't read anyone's mind.

He may have thought God was going to intercede for him on something and it didn't happen.

However...He's acting like an angry child.

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post #8 of 32 (permalink) Old 09-04-2016, 02:39 PM
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Re: Husband stopped going to church

There is only one type of Christian according to the bible.
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post #9 of 32 (permalink) Old 09-04-2016, 02:49 PM
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Re: Husband stopped going to church

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There is only one type of Christian according to the bible.
Would you get the Catholics, Baptists, Presbyterians, Methodists, etc., etc., etc. to all agree on that? If not, who's supposedly "right"?

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

CELIBACY IS NOT HEREDITARY.
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post #10 of 32 (permalink) Old 09-04-2016, 02:51 PM
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Re: Husband stopped going to church

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Originally Posted by Married but Happy View Post
Would you get the Catholics, Baptists, Presbyterians, Methodists, etc., etc., etc. to all agree on that? If not, who's supposedly "right"?
The ones that follow the bible. You figure out which ones those are.

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post #11 of 32 (permalink) Old 09-04-2016, 02:54 PM
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Re: Husband stopped going to church

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Originally Posted by Married but Happy View Post
Would you get the Catholics, Baptists, Presbyterians, Methodists, etc., etc., etc. to all agree on that? If not, who's supposedly "right"?
Interpretations all coming from similar sources. Yes, you are correct, but the Bible...and so on and so forth.

Let's let her tell her story?

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post #12 of 32 (permalink) Old 09-04-2016, 02:57 PM
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Re: Husband stopped going to church

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Originally Posted by EunuchMonk View Post
The ones that follow the bible. You figure out which ones those are.
I don't really care. IMO, they're all wrong, along with the bible. Not that that's relevant to the OP's problem ...

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

CELIBACY IS NOT HEREDITARY.
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post #13 of 32 (permalink) Old 09-04-2016, 04:44 PM
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Re: Husband stopped going to church

Let's save theological discussions for a separate thread, please.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #14 of 32 (permalink) Old 09-04-2016, 07:22 PM
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Re: Husband stopped going to church

So what your husband changed his mind and he no longer embraces the concept of God and religion.

LOTS of people eventually figure it out.

I give him a lot of credit it takes a lot of guts to denounce a false belief that has been ingrained in his head for his entire life.

Maybe instead of whining you can follow his lead and have your Sundays free to do something productive and fun.
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post #15 of 32 (permalink) Old 09-04-2016, 07:30 PM
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Re: Husband stopped going to church

I identified as an atheist for a couple of years, and then came back to faith last year, OP. Nothing anyone in my life could have said, would have caused me to attend church. It's a very personal thing, and while you're disappointed, faith is a personal thing. Or the desire to leave it altogether. I'd recommend just continuing to attend by yourself, and see where things end up with your marriage. If he is indifferent towards God, or just doesn't believe in the idea of a god anymore, so be it. I hope things get better in your marriage, anyway.

The other factor to think about though is, if your faith is an important part of YOUR life, then that can be hard to not be able to share that with one's partner. So, there's that, too. However, it doesn't have to be a dealbreaker, many marriages do great when one partner follows faith, and the other doesn't.
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