I've been tested recently with a full psychological work up and I do not have depression. No psychosis. I am perfectly in control of my faculties. And for the most part I enjoy life....right now. But I don't see that in my future.
I'm talking twelve or fifteen years down the road philly.
I am however jaded and disillusioned with mankind and the world. I hate how people sh!t on the ones they profess to love, how people are so cruel and selfish and care only about number one. Marriages going kablooey all around me, no one valuing traditional values or mores. Sexual greed. Monetary greed..... It is overwhelming.
And I just don't know if I want to entrust my old body to a state run retirement home full of castaways like myself.
The part bolded in blue... ya know there are other people who FEEL like you do.. I dearly hope you can meet up with a woman who feels the same.. I think just finding a friend who feels similar.. where you can let your hair down with.. could do wonders for anyone.. not feeling so alone in the world.
We have an older male friend from our church.. I lost my religion some time ago -so not that I really understand what it is some feel on suicide.. but how you Feel here is how he has talked to us , opening up...his health is failing, diabetes getting worse, he sucks with women, he feels he has nothing to live for.. he does go to church...his sister is a mess, she's on & off drugs... tried to overdose a # of times.. he's been the one stable individual in her life... I feel this has given him some sense of purpose even... to be there for her...
We haven't caught up with him for some time.. since we are no longer going to church.. but still I've seen others in his life that VALUE him.. that care for him. he has downplayed it.. our kids loved him.. it would hurt so many if he did this.. just as it would hurt others if you did this..
Who do you have in your life Bandit.45 - you sound like a GOOD MAN to me.. with much to offer.. just down on yourself, a more pessimistic outlook -it happens, I understand.... I must admit.. I would hate it if my health was failing.. I also would not want to be in a nursing home..
I am in "Direct care".. it's not pretty.. sometimes I hate my Job...
I kinda like Jack Kevorkian - saying this to Christians - you can only imagine the looks I get , that's like saying you worship Satan or something...I have been told they will pray for me..
I was visiting Suicide forums a year ago... worrying about our son (devastating 1st love break up), I was on my knees again....I even bought a book on Suicide....so much more common in men, because they don't reach out.. they want to take it all "like a man".. but they hurt too... Everyone needs someone sometimes..
I am hoping you find some measure of peace here... or someone new to enter your life.. that will bring a smile to your face, that you'll want to share some of the burdens with each other... You're just not alone.. even if you don't see it right now.