This will be a very long reply; I apologize in advance. I have a lot to say on this subject and care about you as a person so it made me sad to read this, but I understand it. I recognize your thought process because I engage in it, near daily; different reasons but same conclusion.
I donít have active plans (doesnít sound like you do either), but itís always humming along quietly in the back of my mindÖ waiting patiently.
When Iím at my lowest, I welcome the whispering seduction of it and let it wrap me in its duplicitous warm embrace, other times I hate it and fight, I tell the cloying voice to shut the fvck up and leave me alone. Sometimes it does, but it never really leaves. It just waits. Its got time and it knows it.
I have double depression which is dysthymia compounded by major depressive episodes (my genes doubled down and lost!) and in a lot of ways suicide is a foregone conclusion. So I recognize this and try to be pragmatic about it.
Iíve developed coping strategies from a life spent struggling with this. I try to be practical and realistic in recognizing when my misery is clouding my thoughts and trying to deceive me into believing a false path is the only way out. Itís very persuasive and persistent but this sick chimera can be fought back. And Iím a fighter. I can never defeat it, but I consider myself victorious to simply survive each battle and no longer focus on the impossibility of ever winning the war.
You have said youíve had a full psychological testing so I am not going to second-guess ďexpertsĒ because I am not one (not even on the internet!), but with the hopelessness you describe I have to wonder if you might have dysthymia, which is harder to diagnose and treat. Itís a ďlow-gradeĒ persistent depressive disorder and since a lot of people who have it have had it most of their lives, they think it is ďnormalĒ to feel this way and may under-report symptoms of depression. Theyíve gotten so used to forcing themselves to function through it that they donít really notice the impairment and just live with it.
Psychologists and psychiatrists tend to focus on the symptoms of major depression and stick to their clinical diagnostic checklists and if you donít tick off so many items then youíre ďokayĒ, when in reality you may be very far from it.
I encourage you to be re-evaluated and be forthright about your persistent feelings of hopelessness and despair over humanity and the bleakness of your future. Clinicians are not infallible and itís like finding a needle in a haystack trying to locate an effective, knowledgeable, and compassionate one, but itís worth getting second, third, fourth opinions and being vocal and actively involved in your diagnosis and treatment. Forewarned is forearmed, so do your research and be prepared.
For the inflammation and pain, have you tried MSM (methylsulfonylmethane) and turmeric? If you combine them with vitamin C and omega-3 supplements, you may get some reduction in symptoms and hopefully a little relief. The turmeric and omegas may help with the feelings of depression too; they never did anything for me but it doesnít hurt to try.
Now on to the deeper, spiritual implications of suicide.
As a believer and follower of Christ (on my own, outside of organized religion), I have had to think about this subject a lot, not for myself, but because I had to deal with the devastating loss of a loved one from suicide and had to try to piece myself back together in the aftermath of that total destruction. I almost didnít make it.
My first love committed suicide after cheating, breaking my heart, and we failed at reconciliation. This was my first and only other relationship; my wild and wonderful ex-marine, alcoholic, atheist, depressed beautiful mess just couldnít see any other way out. No note, no goodbye, no explanation. Nothing. Except the gaping wound where my heart had been and the raw savage sorrow that ripped me apart and rebuilt me back as something I didnít recognize. I was like a ghost haunting my own life for a very long time.
It was many years before I recovered and truthfully I donít think I healed correctly. Like a badly broken bone that isnít reset properly and mends crooked with constant residual pain, Iíve limped through the years forever altered. The me I would have been died that day too and is buried with my dead lover.
The Catholic religion I grew up in (and shed as quickly as I could) views suicides as lost souls who do not enter the kingdom of heaven. They are condemned and beyond forgiveness. I agonized over this for a long time but ultimately decided I had already lost my religion, so why not trust and believe in my God? And my God is one of mercy and His divine capacity for love, compassion, and forgiveness is beyond anything our human minds can comprehend.
So I sought solace and refuge in my Lord, and found comfort in the word:
ďFor I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,
Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.Ē - Romans 8:38-39
ďMy sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me:
And I give unto them eternal life; and they shall never perish, neither shall any man pluck them out of my hand.Ē - John 10:27-28
So in my lone, individual Christian way of thinking, this means that if you are a believer, then nothing can separate you from the love of God. Not even yourself.
Now this shouldnít be taken as an endorsement of suicide. I have lived through the devastation it causes and I would never want that for anyone. There are people in your life that would be irreparably impacted and damaged from the loss of you. We all matter, we all count; there are tendrils of meaning, love, and community that we weave and connect with those around us until it forms this beautiful, fvcked up crazy quilt we call life.
Do not discount your significance and contributions to the unique little patch that it is yours in the overall design. I know with unwavering certainty that there are others who are counting on the strength of your stitches to hold them together.
Focus on the good you are doing in your AA group; as others have suggested, consider volunteering for causes you believe in or joining a church or spiritual group that is in alignment with your beliefs, this will help build the bonds of humanity that we all need, whether we admit it or not.
And lastly, it may seem silly and insignificant, but for what itís worth, even if very little, I think the world is better with you in it.
Sorry again for the length of this post.
Iím off to post music and memes now. SometimesÖ itís the little pleasures in life that can see us through.
Godspeed and take care!