Nobody really knows the answer to the question you are asking.
You are clearly one of those people that Sonja is alluding to, who feels everything and it is amplified. I know this type, because I am the same way. So is my wife. There are times where all we want to do is get to our home and away from the madness that this world is, and the crazy people which fill it. This world is filled with pain. People hurt. Often they hurt due to poor decisions. Other times it is due to placing trust in the wrong person. Yet, there is so much joy in life as well. I find that as I meet the crazies (of which I am likely a member, just my own brand), the more fascinating and good people I meet. When I meet them, I nurture those relationships. When you strip away all that is fake and plastic in this world, relationships with others are really all you have left.
As a fellow alcoholic, I also think you need to keep one important factor in perspective. You may not feel this at all, so feel free to tell me to pound sand. There are times where I sit, and look around, and think to myself that my highs are gone. It is not even the alcohol that I miss, but rather the anticipation. Anticipation of a night out, with a few (dozen) drinks, the fun to be had, the adventures to be experienced. With that anticipation gone, I sometimes look around and feel...unfulfilled. Without someone in your life, I would think that would be amplified.
Brother, it may be time to start looking for someone to help fill out your life. I know you have repeatedly said that you are done, but I would tell you that it is a blessing (and sometimes a curse
) to have a sensitive as a sensitive's partner.
Even if you are not, perhaps you are not finding what your next calling may be. I would pray for it. Pray that God's will would be done in your life. Pray to be open to being led. Fair warning: it is not always the direction we think we want to go, but it is always the direction we should go.
There is joy to be had in life. Make sure you are open to experiencing it.