What would you do in this situation males and females? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 25 (permalink) Old 09-24-2016, 10:56 AM Thread Starter
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What would you do in this situation males and females?

The scenario below is posted on a forum I am a member of. The female posted this situation asking the other members if the guy is just being a gentleman or if he wants to be more than friends. However, she has admitted in her replies to the other members that she wants to be more than friends with him.

Female age 23 and Male age 27 meet at church.

The male pays for her dinner at church during one of their functions.

He gets to know her at church during conversations as well as during church activities.

He takes her out to dinner twice and pays for both of them.

The first time it is casual. The two of them sit across from each-other.

The second time he sits next to her and they have a personal one on one conversation.

The female begins to wonder if he is just being a gentleman or does he want to date her.

She finds out from him during one of their conversations after the second time he takes her out to dinner that he considers her only as a friend. He is not ready for any type of dating relationship because he feels that God wants him to work on his relationship with him *God* , but he still wants to get to know her, spend time with her, have dinner with her and so on as well as with other females. He told her that he does not want to lead her on. He told her that this is the way he likes to get to know people.

What would you do in this situation if you were the male?

What would you do in this situation if you were the female?

What advice would you give to young males and females regarding this situation?


Last edited by spunkycat08; 09-24-2016 at 11:00 AM.
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post #2 of 25 (permalink) Old 09-24-2016, 11:00 AM
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Re: What would you do in this situation males and females?

Pay for my own meal, or anything else, any time in the future with him.

Honestly, maybe she should not do anything more one on one with him. Just group activities.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #3 of 25 (permalink) Old 09-24-2016, 11:07 AM Thread Starter
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Re: What would you do in this situation males and females?

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Pay for my own meal, or anything else, any time in the future with him.

Honestly, maybe she should not do anything more one on one with him. Just group activities.
I agree with that.
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post #4 of 25 (permalink) Old 09-24-2016, 11:33 AM
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Re: What would you do in this situation males and females?

The guy is putting out indicators of interests (wittingly or unwittingly) but then verbally retracts them. It could be he has a very high level of Christian shame and inability to overcome a fear of intimacy with a romantic partner, or else he speaks the truth that he only wants platonic friendship. Either way I don't think your friend would be wise to pursue a relationship with him - if he does have repressed sexual interest he will be bringing lots of emotional baggage that would cause significant barriers to intimacy. If I was to advise your friend, for practicality it would be to take him at his word.
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post #5 of 25 (permalink) Old 09-24-2016, 12:20 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What would you do in this situation males and females?

If she wants to be friends with him, then she should be the one to dial back their friendship to group activities only during the daytime. Considering that she wishes he would take her out on a date, if I was in her shoes, I would not doing anything at night with him even if it was a group activity. Especially dinner.

I would pay my own way regarding meals.
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post #6 of 25 (permalink) Old 09-24-2016, 01:31 PM
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Cool Re: What would you do in this situation males and females?

He sounds a tad jaded from perhaps either having been rejected in the past, or is just a little over-egotistical!

Tell her to pay for her own food and to continue "playing the field!"

Trust me ~ he ain't exactly the only fish in the ocean!

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post #7 of 25 (permalink) Old 09-24-2016, 02:21 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What would you do in this situation males and females?

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He sounds a tad jaded from perhaps either having been rejected in the past, or is just a little over-egotistical!

Tell her to pay for her own food and to continue "playing the field!"

Trust me ~ he ain't exactly the only fish in the ocean!

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Jaded: The end result of having a steady flow of negative experiences, disappointment, and un-fulfillment fed into a person where they get to the point where their anger circuits just sort of burn out and they accept disillusionment.

Is it possible that the guy telling her that he feels that God wants him to have a better relationship with him *God* is his way of avoiding getting rejected again since he is convinced that this will happen with her due to his feeling jaded?

If I was in her shoes, I would busy myself with activities involving both genders.

I would get to know other guys and see where those friendships lead to.
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post #8 of 25 (permalink) Old 09-24-2016, 04:13 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What would you do in this situation males and females?

It seems to me that the guy has emotional baggage he should deal with before attempting to get to know anyone of the opposite sex.

Because how successfully can you deal with your emotional baggage while getting to know someone of the opposite sex? Especially when you take that person out to dinner, out to the movies and so on?
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post #9 of 25 (permalink) Old 09-24-2016, 04:49 PM
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Re: What would you do in this situation males and females?

He's got the player thing down cold. I see a blog, books and playa formulas in his future.

If a person wants to observe human relationship behavior at arms length, he/she should pay people $X/hr up front for the privilege. Observation while they're eating is weird.

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post #10 of 25 (permalink) Old 09-24-2016, 05:16 PM
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Re: What would you do in this situation males and females?

He is dating. I think what he means is that he doesn't want a girlfriend, but he wants to date around for a while. He sounds like a gentleman, because he is paying for the dates. He wants to get to know some women, but his focus is on his relationship with God right now. Once he feels he is ready, he will choose to exclusively date someone that he thinks would be a good match. I don't think the guy is messed up. I think he just doesn't want to go on dates with women and expect them to pay, especially when he's not sure if it's going anywhere more serious.


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post #11 of 25 (permalink) Old 09-25-2016, 01:57 PM
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Re: What would you do in this situation males and females?

Sounds like he was interested but then he caught a negative vibe from her and switched gears mid-stride. Doesn't make him a bad guy. Maybe she wasn't into hm and he picked up on it and backed off.

Sounds like a common dating scenario.
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post #12 of 25 (permalink) Old 09-25-2016, 02:30 PM
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Re: What would you do in this situation males and females?

He is playing her.She needs to find out how many other women he is seeing.The next thing he will suggest is a fwb relationship but he won't put it like that.She should back off and just see him in church and see does he keep attending without her undivided attention.
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post #13 of 25 (permalink) Old 09-25-2016, 03:03 PM
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Re: What would you do in this situation males and females?

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He is dating. I think what he means is that he doesn't want a girlfriend, but he wants to date around for a while. He sounds like a gentleman, because he is paying for the dates. He wants to get to know some women, but his focus is on his relationship with God right now. Once he feels he is ready, he will choose to exclusively date someone that he thinks would be a good match. I don't think the guy is messed up. I think he just doesn't want to go on dates with women and expect them to pay, especially when he's not sure if it's going anywhere more serious.
^^^This.

He was open and honest with her. He doesn't expect sex. He doesn't expect her to pay. All he wants is some conversation. How often, how intimate, how personal is up to her.

The reason many think he is a player is because they aren't used to honesty, in my opinion. They have been burned many times. Guess what? They had sex too soon with that person. It just made the truth more painful.

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post #14 of 25 (permalink) Old 09-25-2016, 03:12 PM
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Re: What would you do in this situation males and females?

It sounds like he is just keeping his options open. Not necessarily a bad thing if he does not want anything serious. Your friend is best to keep away from one on one situations if she is looking for more.
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post #15 of 25 (permalink) Old 09-25-2016, 04:02 PM
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Re: What would you do in this situation males and females?

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Sounds like he was interested but then he caught a negative vibe from her and switched gears mid-stride. Doesn't make him a bad guy. Maybe she wasn't into hm and he picked up on it and backed off.

Sounds like a common dating scenario.

^I agree^ I'm failing to see what the big deal is. If I was her though I would have been creeped out by him sitting on the same side of the table as her, I hate it when guys try to do that.
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