Marriage- Older Woman
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Old 11-21-2011, 02:28 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Marriage- Older Woman

I am in a bit of a predicament. I am 24 years old and my girlfriend is 31 years old. We have been dating for 2.5 years, and are considering getting married. I feel a lot of pressure to get married from her which is understandable because she may not have the chance at another relationship if we were to break up. I really love her and I can't even imagine my life without her in it. We both live in manhattan. My job forces me to work at least 80 hours/week. She works as well (about 60 hours/week). This will be the situation for another 5 years or so. She is very supportive of my career, and very ambitious and successful herself.

My main concern is that I won't have the time to properly raise a family within her time line. I think I will have time to raise a family in about 5-6 years. We have both agreed that we wouldn't discuss the issue of kids for another 4 years. I'm concerned that there may difficulty in conceiving at that point, or that she may change her mind on these views at a point in my career when I cannot properly raise children.

I don't think finances will be a problem. I make about $150K, and she makes about $180K.

Both of us were raised in strong Christian families, and share similar family values. However, one thing which has continued to bother me through our whole relationship is her previous relationships. When I've asked her about the number of men she has slept with, she says she is unsure and dodges the question. This leads me to believe it is much higher than my number. It seems like over the 2.5 years we have been dating, I continue to find out more stories about her previous relationships. I even found out that she used to maintain an online dating profile (before we were together). I am 100% confident that she always has been and always will be faithful, but I find it difficult to give a blanket forgiveness for past relationships that I might not even know about.


My parents are trying very hard to make sure the decision in mine, but I get the distinct impression that they feel I am too young and/or the age gap is too large to overcome.
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Old 11-21-2011, 03:05 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Marriage- Older Woman

My husband was 24 and I was 31 when we met.

The gap has never been an issue. We've been together 4 years, married 2.
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Old 11-21-2011, 03:09 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Marriage- Older Woman

if the man was 31 and the woman was 24 no one would say anything about the gap
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Old 11-21-2011, 03:11 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Marriage- Older Woman

That's true, but men are able to have kids well into their 50s, while the risks for women typically go up above 34.
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Old 11-21-2011, 04:07 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Marriage- Older Woman

Mike--what do you want? Because nobody has to live with this decision but you.
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Old 11-21-2011, 04:36 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Marriage- Older Woman

Is the problem her age, her 'number', or that you both are to busy working right now?
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Old 11-21-2011, 05:35 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Marriage- Older Woman

You have 2 issues going on here, her biological clock, and her previous relationships.

There is never the perfect time to have children, so I would give up the idea that you want to wait 4-5 years before you are ready to start a family. Two years as a married couple is usually sufficient time to see if you two are well matched and work together as a team. If your marriage is solid after two years, I would consider children at that point.

As to the previous relationships, ask yourself if you really want to know the details, and if you can make it safe for her to divulge them to you. If you are certain that you will not hold it against her, tell her that this is bothering you, and you need to know about her past so that you do not assume the worst. Trust is crucial in a marriage, and you must feel confident that you can accept your girl friend as she is.
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Old 12-04-2011, 07:47 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Marriage- Older Woman

I married a woman 3 years older and we have had a lot of problems, and the marriage is in a lot of trouble. The age gap was not really the culprit, although I have always felt that she lacked respect for me because she saw me as being younger and less credible than she would have an older partner.

Your work hours will put a lot of stress on a marriage, and you have two problems in your mind you have to resolve before you marry. You definitely need to resolve your anxiety about her past relationships. It's a seed that will grow into a weed field under the stresses of marriage.
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Old 12-04-2011, 07:57 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Marriage- Older Woman

Quote:
Originally Posted by MikeJones View Post
I am in a bit of a predicament. I am 24 years old and my girlfriend is 31 years old. We have been dating for 2.5 years, and are considering getting married. I feel a lot of pressure to get married from her which is understandable because she may not have the chance at another relationship if we were to break up.
Why wouldn`t she have a chance at another relationship?
She`s 31 not in a home for seniors.

Quote:
My main concern is that I won't have the time to properly raise a family within her time line. I think I will have time to raise a family in about 5-6 years. We have both agreed that we wouldn't discuss the issue of kids for another 4 years.
Sounds like both your expectations/timelines match up fairly well.
I don`t see a problem.

Quote:
I'm concerned that there may difficulty in conceiving at that point, or that she may change her mind on these views at a point in my career when I cannot properly raise children.
Why would she have difficulty conceiving at 36-37?
I think you have an unfounded idea that being over thirty is old or something.
You need to consider this.

Quote:
However, one thing which has continued to bother me through our whole relationship is her previous relationships. When I've asked her about the number of men she has slept with, she says she is unsure and dodges the question. This leads me to believe it is much higher than my number.
I never understand why this matters to men.
I`ve been married to my wife for 13 years and still don`t know her "number" and I never will.I`ve never asked, she`s never asked, I`ve never offered, she`s never offered.
I can`t understand why anyone would care.

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I am 100% confident that she always has been and always will be faithful, but I find it difficult to give a blanket forgiveness for past relationships that I might not even know about.
Why on Earth would she require "forgiveness" for her past relationships?
Why does she need to be forgiven for having a life?

Quote:
My parents are trying very hard to make sure the decision in mine, but I get the distinct impression that they feel I am too young and/or the age gap is too large to overcome.
They may be right.
You seem immature to be entering into marriage with a woman.
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Old 12-04-2011, 12:04 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Marriage- Older Woman

Quote:
However, one thing which has continued to bother me through our whole relationship is her previous relationships. When I've asked her about the number of men she has slept with, she says she is unsure and dodges the question. This leads me to believe it is much higher than my number. It seems like over the 2.5 years we have been dating, I continue to find out more stories about her previous relationships. I even found out that she used to maintain an online dating profile (before we were together). I am 100% confident that she always has been and always will be faithful, but I find it difficult to give a blanket forgiveness for past relationships that I might not even know about.
I am not sure the proper term here is forgiveness ....but ACCEPTANCE for her past. There really is nothing to "forgive" ,as she did not sin against YOU, after all you had other partners also. Many times
others judge on another's past and it suddenly shades how they Look at them.

I think there are 2 types of people. Some can be quite happy and content never learning of their spouses past sexual history and their marraiges are just fine without this ever being discussed... like Tacoma.

I am not this type, however.... I would WANT to know , and I wouldn't want belittled for asking , told some secrets are best kept or dodged, that wouldn't be working for me. I am all for full Transparency in a marriage, I couldn't be with someone not willing to share their past with me, as I feel this is a part of who we are, it molds & it shapes us.....the good, as well as the BAD, the ugly (we all have sins!), even regrets (we all do stupid things), pain, happiness, triumphs, all of it.

For me.....it is the WILLINGNESS to let me in, share his soul. I am very blessed as my husband feels the same & counts it a plus that I am this way also.

But 1st be very careful....ask yourself... do you really want to know?? Can you handle it , or will it cause insecurties to rise and judgements to rise that you will struggle to overcome?

Many people have a threshold of "acceptance".

Most people say they want to know, then the Sh** hits the fan, they are destroyed by what their Lover said !!...... This is no good !! When others feel this, they continue to hold back, they fear being THAT honest , giving into that type of vulnerability.

You must search your own heart here, if you still want to know, she , at the very least, needs to feel "safe" in your arms.... she will not want you bringing her past into the future. BUt then again, she may not be the type who feels this is necessary at all & resent being asked.

Here is an excellent article- about this subject, maybe you can read it together...

Living a High Definition, Transparent Marriage - Focus on the Family
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Old 12-12-2011, 01:03 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Marriage is a HUGE step and at her age she may feel that going back and rehashing the past is a waste of time. Besides, will knowing make you love her any less? She should open up and tell you, but for some reason she is feeling like she cannot.... That signals a relationship issue all on its' own. She needs to feel she will have your love whether she has been with one, ten or however many she has been with. Age can be an issue, I am 35 and my husband is 42, 18 and 25 when we started dating. We were also brought up in different types of homes (values). But it has never caused relationship issues we cannot work through. He was with many other women, more than I knew... while he was my only one. That was hard to overcome, but I loved him and I had to let it go. Honestly he's with me and not them, issue settled, just like she is with you and not them. Who she is now is not the same as who she was then. She has every right at 31 years old to want to be married and you have every right to be scared at only 24 years old. All the "reasons" sounds a little like excuses NOT to get married, and that's ok. Honesty with yourself is the first step. Is it her that you're concerned with or yourself? At 31, she is young.... not old. Lots of men out there looking for a woman ready to commit. Don't let her slip away if you love her. Is she giving an ultimatum? If not, slow down and don't make a rush decision until you are ready. Marriage is tough enough without feeling like you "had" to get married to keep someone.
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Old 12-12-2011, 03:00 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tacoma View Post
Why wouldn`t she have a chance at another relationship?
She`s 31 not in a home for seniors.
I would add that you will soon be 30. When you reach that stage, you will hopefully realize that 30 is still young. Also, people find love at all ages. My mother is 60 and she is leaving my father. I pray that she can find love again, with a more suitable partner.



Sounds like both your expectations/timelines match up fairly well.
I don`t see a problem.



Why would she have difficulty conceiving at 36-37?
I think you have an unfounded idea that being over thirty is old or something.
You need to consider this.
I've read that conceiving after 35 can be risky for the infant, in terms of birth defects. Compared to age 25, it IS harder for a woman ten years past that to conceive.



I never understand why this matters to men.
I`ve been married to my wife for 13 years and still don`t know her "number" and I never will.I`ve never asked, she`s never asked, I`ve never offered, she`s never offered.
I can`t understand why anyone would care.
I think only insecure men place a lot of importance on a woman's number. It is the double standard carried to absurdity. Who cares who she was with? She is marrying YOU now. My husband found out about my past, through a series of events. The man does not hold it against me at all!



Why on Earth would she require "forgiveness" for her past relationships?
Why does she need to be forgiven for having a life?



They may be right.
You seem immature to be entering into marriage with a woman. Grow up, bricks. She isn't some inexperienced 19 year old.
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Old 01-20-2012, 11:46 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Marriage- Older Woman

Dont worry mike buddy i have situation like you do but no issues i am 24 now and my gf is 29 but we love each other like crazy and we are getting married on feb18 2012. i wish if you see us
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Old 01-27-2012, 09:34 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Marriage- Older Woman

If you are uncomfortable about her sexually diverse past, it means that at some level you are not ready to start a family with her. Might this be part of the reason for your reluctance? If so, than you have to sit down and think long and hard about your values and hers and whether she is indeed the kind of woman that you would like to see as the mother of your children and pass those values on to them.

If this is not a serious issue for you, and only you can be the judge of that, I think you should venture forth with the next steps in your relationship. Being busy in your career is not a good enough reason to pass up the chance of creating a family with the person you love. Remember that her biological clock is ticking. Both of you make enough money to be able to somewhat compensate for that.
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