My husband is in a cult.
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Old 11-25-2011, 10:44 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default My husband is in a cult.

Greetings to all,
This is my first post here, please forgive me skipping introducing myself first and the length of my post.
I need some advice.
My husband (is) and I were hebrew israelites, a small sect of strict jews of african american decent (all though I am white) that have a small community in Israel and satellite communities abroad in the states, Africa, Europe and the Caribbean. We were intimately involved in this group until '07, when we moved out on our own, in preparation to move to Israel permanently to be closer to the community there.
To make a long story short, living away from this community has been good for me (and us) and I have been evolving spiritually away from many of the tenants and doctrine of the belief system. Also, this summer I found out some very disturbing info about all kinds of abuse, child abuse and covering it up, abuses of power by leadership etc.. and it just turned me off completely to the idea of moving to Israel and even being in the community (cult) at all.
I shared this info with my husband, knowing what his response would be, knowing that I can't stand to be in the community and remain 100% committed to it (I wouldn't admit it was a cult until about a month ago).
But his response has been this: Israel is his final destination, with or without me, I knew that was the plan when we married, and he is still a strong believer in the doctrine and feels he can "help" these awful situations.
We have been having ongoing discussions about the community, our relationship, our plans, etc...since June. we ended up in our last conversation where I stated that "by the scriptures that he believes in, it says nothing can come in between 2 people the creator has brought together (not even a faulty belief system IMHO)" and that he needs to take a trip to Israel to see for himself what is going on and if he comes back and still wants to move there 100% then I will let him go and we will part ways. But I made it clear that I din't want to give up so easily and I know he doesn't either.
My dilemma is that; new spiritual differences withstanding, we have a really great relationship. We have been married 7 years, and we are best friends, we are a good team we work well together, great sex (although we have had issues with infertility...another issue/post all together), we laugh, we balance each other out, learn from each other, our families love us together, he is super supportive, he is super affectionate and gentle. He has a heart of gold, except when it comes to his attachment to this group (and I'll give him; his faith).
The situation is just so confusing to me, because I am scared one day he will just up and leave me behind because I don't want to live in Israel any more, in fact I want to move back closer to my family (which he refuses to even consider). But it may pan out that he doesn't ever muster the effort to actually go (especially with out my help..lol) but he would never actually make the decision not to, so we end up living in a limbo type scenario.....which I don't know if I can live like that.
I have considered just giving up and leaving and chalking it up to us moving in 2 different directions (which we are at this point). I have considered waiting it out and seeing if he changes his mind. I have considered waiting until he doesn't change his mind and leaves me. And no scenario is appealing to me at all. How long do you wait and see if someone will have a change of heart?
Thanks in advance.
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Old 11-26-2011, 07:55 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband is in a cult.

Wow, over sixty views and no responses. well, I realize that our situation is very serious and we need some outside intervention. I realize we can't figure this out on our own. I was hoping someone would have some kind of advice or encouragement or something. We have had some outside input and council and I am going to continue that. However, although the specifics of our dilemma are very odd, I believe we are no different than any other married couple who has come to a fork in the road, wondering which path to take.
Hoping to hear from you soon
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Old 11-26-2011, 08:00 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband is in a cult.

Which cult is it?
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Old 11-26-2011, 08:36 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband is in a cult.

Hi that girl, I'd rather not say.
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Old 11-26-2011, 11:13 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband is in a cult.

I think that there are probably a lot of similarities between addiction to chemicals and addiction to a 'community', as you put it. To that end, I think you would need to start thinking about what your dealbreakers with the understanding that an addict will always feed their addiction first, then anything else in their life. When you were both active in the addiction, as it were, then it was easy to go the same way and give each other everything left. Now that you're in recovery, are you willing to stay with another addict? Moreover, are you willing to complicity support the crimes of the 'community' in order to stay with your husband? And how long are you willing to give up your power and autonomy while you wait for an active addict to decide whether he loves his 'faith' or you more?
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Old 11-27-2011, 08:41 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband is in a cult.

Thank you COGypsy!
I have never thought about relating this situation to addiction, this is what I am figuring out now, what are my deal breakers...and its' not looking very good for him unfortunately. because I am not willing to sit by and as you put it so well "complicity support the crimes of the 'community' in order to stay with your husband. And neither am I willing to give up your power and autonomy anymore."
Thank you for your response. It helps very much
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Old 11-27-2011, 10:16 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lioness View Post
Thank you COGypsy!
I have never thought about relating this situation to addiction, this is what I am figuring out now, what are my deal breakers...and its' not looking very good for him unfortunately. because I am not willing to sit by and as you put it so well "complicity support the crimes of the 'community' in order to stay with your husband. And neither am I willing to give up your power and autonomy anymore."
Thank you for your response. It helps very much
A little off topic.

Being an orthodox jew, I just want to clarify and make sure our image does not get tainted.

The cult she refers to has nothing to do with jews, judaism is not a cult, and will never be.

This is some odd cult that unfortunately has something to do with Israel and it make it sound like it's jewish.

And for the record, most orthodox jews are against the state of Israel, we don't recognize Israel as the jewish land before the messiah comes, and therfore we consider Israel being revolutionary and in power by force against god's will.
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Old 11-27-2011, 04:39 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband is in a cult.

Quote:
Originally Posted by roshyeshiva View Post
A little off topic.

Being an orthodox jew, I just want to clarify and make sure our image does not get tainted.

The cult she refers to has nothing to do with jews, judaism is not a cult, and will never be.

This is some odd cult that unfortunately has something to do with Israel and it make it sound like it's jewish.

And for the record, most orthodox jews are against the state of Israel, we don't recognize Israel as the jewish land before the messiah comes, and therfore we consider Israel being revolutionary and in power by force against god's will.
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Hi Roshyeshiva,
This thread is more for advice for my situation with my marriage, not to debate spirituality. Please leave that for another conversation. Thanks!
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Old 11-27-2011, 06:10 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband is in a cult.

You're hung up on the word cult. Be that as it may it's unimportant. The issue is that you're on diverging paths vis a vis this community and this faith. It's no different if one spouse suddenly becomes a born again Christian and the other does not. It's pretty difficult because the nature of faith....is faith. Hard to switch directions with that. My thought is you have to simply lay it out honestly. If your problem is that 'it' creates too much friction between you then say that. But if the issue is simply that you no longer approve of his beliefs and value system then that's what you need to say.
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Old 11-27-2011, 06:47 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband is in a cult.

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Originally Posted by Runs like Dog View Post
You're hung up on the word cult. Be that as it may it's unimportant. The issue is that you're on diverging paths vis a vis this community and this faith. It's no different if one spouse suddenly becomes a born again Christian and the other does not. It's pretty difficult because the nature of faith....is faith. Hard to switch directions with that. My thought is you have to simply lay it out honestly. If your problem is that 'it' creates too much friction between you then say that. But if the issue is simply that you no longer approve of his beliefs and value system then that's what you need to say.
Thank you Runs Like Dog,
That is very insightful! It is true that we are now on two divergent paths. I guess I am trying to decide if I should wait and see if he "wakes up" and sees that his faith in the creator doesn't have to change, it's his relationship to this group and putting it over our marriage that does. Or just cut my losses and move on. This is the question I have been living with for the last six months. In my heart of hearts I know he loves me and I am hopeful that he will "wake up" (IMHO) but from what he says, at this point he is sticking with his original plan of moving "to the promised land".
peace and love!
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Old 02-03-2012, 12:36 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband is in a cult.

They are all cults. It does not matter if its satanism or christianity. They are all cults.
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Old 02-05-2012, 07:55 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband is in a cult.

There are pretty clear markers for whether something qualifies as a cult, such as financial commitments and requests to cut everyone else out of your life:

CRITERIA FOR DETERMINING IF A GROUP IS A DESTRUCTIVE CULT
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Old 02-06-2012, 09:44 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband is in a cult.

Lioness,
I think your first post gives the answer. What comes first to him: yourself or his faith/beliefs? Your post clearly tells me that you two are great friends, and could perhaps stay that way.

But in so far as marriage / marital companionship goes, there need to be common goals. Your paths are divergent. You need to move on.

Good luck!
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Old 02-11-2012, 10:48 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband is in a cult.

Hi Lioness.

I have experienced being in a cult myself. I was in a bible-based cult where i lived for a year, and had strong ties with them for some time therafter. It was a harrowing experience and one that i would never wish on anyone. I know of it's power to destroy relationships and break families apart.

If you are still a woman of faith, I would recommend that you pray for him. Sometimes, it is only God that can reach a person, open their eyes and bring them out of that kind of bondage. When a person is in a group, they are often not open to anything that anyone says who is not 100% committed to the cause and has only positive things to say about the group.

Another suggestion i would make is to contact some cult watch groups or cult exit support organisations. One that exists in the US is Steven Hassan who heads up Freedom of Mind Institute. He was a member of the Moonies but is now Jewish (which i think might be his original background), so he may be able to connect with you on the level of the Jewish faith and identify the faults with that groups doctrine.

Feel free to message me if you would like to correspond some more. My heart goes out to both of you and i wish the best for your marriage

x o
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Old 02-14-2012, 01:00 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband is in a cult.

This sounds like a very difficult challenge and I will pray for both of you.
I offer this to you: the Bible teaches "How can two walk together except they agree?" This passage gets quoted and misused a lot, but it is very practical guidance. For example, if you don't smoke, would all of your friends be smokers? Maybe a few, and you would be careful to avoid their smoking and they would possible avoid smoking around you. You are accomodating them, but you are not truly "walking" together. The smoking limits how far your friendship can go.
This may not be the best example, but hope it drives my point. The goal of marriage is for "two to become as one flesh". You won't ever truly be one with your husband as long as this spiritual divide remains. You describe a beautiful relationship and friendship with him, but now you are on a path that will not lead to the same place. I hate to say it, but the marital relationship would not survive such a major gap in beliefs.
Pray earnestly for your husband and yourself. If you truly love him (and I believe you do), I can't imagine you would want to see him remain in this group. One last scripture reference: "The unbelieving husband is sanctified by the believing wife...by her chaste conversation, coupled with fear [respect and due reverance]." Your loving conduct with him can make all the difference. It won't be easy, but it's possible!!!
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