This is my first time here. I feel I really need help. My story is long but I will try to summarize. So here we go...
I have been married for almost 4 years now. I am in my mid-30s so is my husband.
When we met, we were head over heels for each other. I believe it was (is?) true love.
We had obstacles - he comes from a very religious Evangelical background, I am Catholic (a very luke warm one, hadn't been to church for years). Fast foward, we lost our first child prematurely. I was grieving deeply. His parents, very religious said 'it was not of the Lord to grieve too much'. I was forced into situations that were very uncomfortable for me. I had to 'suck it up' and look like I was ok. This has brought a lot of tension in our marriage. Since then, I have stayed away, and since I did not grieve well, it turned into trauma. We have a daughter now, and I'm still suffering from the loss and the issues that came up. I have stopped trusting my husband completely. I am always angry and bitter. He has defended his parents actions at times. That annoys the heck out of me. His parents have no understanding or tolerance of me. They will not talk about anything, no forgiveness, no reconciliation. They just want everyone to act as we are all friends. I simply can't do that. Not because I'm holding a grudge, but because I'm mortified of being around them. Everything I do is subject to scrutiny as to whether its good enough in the eyes of the Lord or not. Chances are that its not. This has shaken up my faith. Although I believe in God, I wonder how can He let such things happen? How can Christians be so cold? Besides being overly introverted, I am not a nagging, annoying wife. Though circumstances have really forced me to take the wrong path of anger and bitterness which I do not like. I want to heal and get better, but the environment I am in is so negative. My in-laws, including my husband do not know how to positively encourage someone who needs it. Instead they point out the flaws in your face. That leaves me feeling so miserable. I have tried so hard, but they see that everything I do is an excuse as in I use depression as an excuse, I grieve too much, I dwell to much on the negative...the list goes on. I do not want to divorce, but how can I live like this?
You don't dwell on the negative because when you do, you invite it into your heart and mind (life).
I know, much easier said than done... It is always an effort, but hardly in futility.
Jesus wept openly many times, his heart hurt with the pain of caring greatly for those he loved. Christian, to me, means "in the manner and teachings of Christ" Jesus was an incredible and loving entity.
I am not Christian, haven't been for many decades, but I do know the power for forgiveness in both Christianity and Buddhism... it is a wonderful gift in life that Jesus and Buddha both understood well.
You asked "How can Christians be so cold?" Often we embrace these acceptances into our minds and not our hearts... your recognition that you are on the wrong path shows your listening to your heart is actively congruent with your mind. You want to heal, get better, grow in your loss and the feelings that come for this loss... your mind is right to acknowledge what your heart wants... you have my respect.
Now comes the hard part... acceptance on your end without embedding the negativity.
You will have to accept that your loss was a painful, and it was... my wife miscarried with our (my) first at 3 months and hurt beyond belief at the time, yet lightly grieved as I wasn't able to address the loss with compassion for self because I couldn't. Later, when I could, I let the floodwaters of grief wrack by body for years of pent up emotions.
Align yourself, promote yourself, release yourself... then heal yourself.
It is time to let go... make room for better feeling to backfill the weight you have carried.
As for the flaws that are pointed out in one's face... they are fortunate to live in a house of wood, brick, and mortar, but that is their burden to own. I like to thank people who happily point out my flaws with a simply reply "You are right!". There is often no need for a follow-up from me, and they are usually left with nothing more to say about their declaration. Even if they may not be accurate with their perspective, what an incredible way to grow and learn how others perceive you but be careful not to own their shortcomings, and be mindful of those of yours that do need a better approach.
You do not need to live like anything more than want to... so don't! Live knowing that your spirit is not under some control of others or their edict of how you should be and feel... release your inner Moesha and draw yourself out of the polluted waters of this negativity... you can do it with a natural ease more readily than you think.
I have already become too wordy here so I'll close... believe in yourself when no others do.
You are believed in here...