At my wits end...
Married about 12 years; together 13. To keep a long story short...I found out about an affair when our son was 1, almost 2. I was totally blind-sided! Her husband called me. My husband initially denied it. However, it continued off and on until at least thru the end of 2013. She wasn't the only one. After the last incident, he resigned from his job (after supposedly sexing a co-worker's wife...he was drunk and swears he doesn't know for certain--said he thought she was me later; but she very matter of fact-ly told her husband the next day--apparently not her first time doing that either).
We literally relocated, far, far away in a matter of weeks! I was resentful. I didn't want to go. I was 5 hours from my family and enjoyed visits home. It was really for him to run away from his own shame and embarrassment! He knew people would ask a thousand questions. The relocation was not what I expected. We stayed with his best friend in a tiny 2 bd/1 bath condo. It lasted only a few months before they fell out…I told him it was a bad idea from the beginning. He finally got a job and we moved into our own house. Shortly thereafter, in a heated argument, he once again was trying to find a way to put blame on me for every screwed up aspect of his life...including his affairs!! He made a reference about being a man and POW! I lost it and told him to "ACT LIKE IT!" He nearly threw a bottle a bottle of water in my face and quickly caught himself but the water made it out of the bottle. I was ready to leave but literally had nowhere to go and not enough funds to get there, but I grabbed my stuff and he grabbed our son—yelling and screaming and scared the living daylights out of him! My son was yelling for me of course. I stayed and slept with my son in the following weeks. Later that night, I overheard him lying to my stepson about what happened.
Yes, I have suggested counseling. He will not go. I have been but give always get to the point I am so embarrassed to tell anyone how this man has treated me. How I allowed him to treat me.
I was very independent when I married him in my early 30’s. I tried to be what I thought was the example of a good Christian wife to what I thought was a good Christian, God-fearing man. What a lie! So here we are, 3 years after relocating and his idea of starting over…. He doesn’t go to church, makes no effort….he doesn’t lead our family spiritually…I am his faith. He had 5 jobs in 2 years. He was finally offered a viable position and as a result, we currently reside in 2 different states. In his profession, employers tend to pay relocation however, his new employer does not offer relocation and we don’t have the money to move. I am totally alright with the situation at this point. I have been the backbone to his career, his educational pursuits, stroking that ego, being that wife he has loved to brag about. I have invested in him, this family and this life to the point that I did exactly what my mother told me not to do! Lost my own identity! Him being gone, gives me a chance to breathe! Time to focus on myself. I need to encourage, and try to motivate myself…find out who I am now. Being the person he is, when it comes to my dreams and aspirations, he has never said anything more than “if that’s what you want to do.”
I believe am emotionally numb to him anymore. His snide comments, while becoming so far and few between, no longer brings a tear to my eyes. I don’t ask him for much or to do anything. He makes nearly 2x as much as I do…we have separate accounts and I manage to stretch and not ask him for anything! He on the other hand is still so needy, yet over a 1,000 miles away…it annoys me at times. I think he loved me at once and now it’s more so love because he needs me…needs me to do things he can’t or doesn’t know how and won’t learn. Loves me because I know all of his dirt, because I know his shortfalls, and how he lies…and some people are in awe of who /what they think he is. I stroke his sorry ego to push him to a higher level so he can stay focused on providing for our son and just enough to keep him from being depressed.
I love him but not in the same way. I fell in love with him because he appeared to have a passion for God. He always talked about me in his future, I loved his drive, his ambition, his determination. Now I my concern for him is more so for our son, he loves his daddy. As hard as it is to say…I made a bad choice. Now I am facing what is the biggest challenge of my life up until now but somehow, for my sake, for the sake of my son and my relationship with God…I…need…to…move…on.