At my wits end... - Talk About Marriage
Relationships and Spirituality The place to look for faith based solutions.

User Tag List

  • 1 Post By Lila
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #1 of 6 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 12:57 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: All over
Posts: 3
Angry At my wits end...

Married about 12 years; together 13. To keep a long story short...I found out about an affair when our son was 1, almost 2. I was totally blind-sided! Her husband called me. My husband initially denied it. However, it continued off and on until at least thru the end of 2013. She wasn't the only one. After the last incident, he resigned from his job (after supposedly sexing a co-worker's wife...he was drunk and swears he doesn't know for certain--said he thought she was me later; but she very matter of fact-ly told her husband the next day--apparently not her first time doing that either).

We literally relocated, far, far away in a matter of weeks! I was resentful. I didn't want to go. I was 5 hours from my family and enjoyed visits home. It was really for him to run away from his own shame and embarrassment! He knew people would ask a thousand questions. The relocation was not what I expected. We stayed with his best friend in a tiny 2 bd/1 bath condo. It lasted only a few months before they fell out…I told him it was a bad idea from the beginning. He finally got a job and we moved into our own house. Shortly thereafter, in a heated argument, he once again was trying to find a way to put blame on me for every screwed up aspect of his life...including his affairs!! He made a reference about being a man and POW! I lost it and told him to "ACT LIKE IT!" He nearly threw a bottle a bottle of water in my face and quickly caught himself but the water made it out of the bottle. I was ready to leave but literally had nowhere to go and not enough funds to get there, but I grabbed my stuff and he grabbed our son—yelling and screaming and scared the living daylights out of him! My son was yelling for me of course. I stayed and slept with my son in the following weeks. Later that night, I overheard him lying to my stepson about what happened.

Yes, I have suggested counseling. He will not go. I have been but give always get to the point I am so embarrassed to tell anyone how this man has treated me. How I allowed him to treat me.
I was very independent when I married him in my early 30’s. I tried to be what I thought was the example of a good Christian wife to what I thought was a good Christian, God-fearing man. What a lie! So here we are, 3 years after relocating and his idea of starting over…. He doesn’t go to church, makes no effort….he doesn’t lead our family spiritually…I am his faith. He had 5 jobs in 2 years. He was finally offered a viable position and as a result, we currently reside in 2 different states. In his profession, employers tend to pay relocation however, his new employer does not offer relocation and we don’t have the money to move. I am totally alright with the situation at this point. I have been the backbone to his career, his educational pursuits, stroking that ego, being that wife he has loved to brag about. I have invested in him, this family and this life to the point that I did exactly what my mother told me not to do! Lost my own identity! Him being gone, gives me a chance to breathe! Time to focus on myself. I need to encourage, and try to motivate myself…find out who I am now. Being the person he is, when it comes to my dreams and aspirations, he has never said anything more than “if that’s what you want to do.”

I believe am emotionally numb to him anymore. His snide comments, while becoming so far and few between, no longer brings a tear to my eyes. I don’t ask him for much or to do anything. He makes nearly 2x as much as I do…we have separate accounts and I manage to stretch and not ask him for anything! He on the other hand is still so needy, yet over a 1,000 miles away…it annoys me at times. I think he loved me at once and now it’s more so love because he needs me…needs me to do things he can’t or doesn’t know how and won’t learn. Loves me because I know all of his dirt, because I know his shortfalls, and how he lies…and some people are in awe of who /what they think he is. I stroke his sorry ego to push him to a higher level so he can stay focused on providing for our son and just enough to keep him from being depressed.

I love him but not in the same way. I fell in love with him because he appeared to have a passion for God. He always talked about me in his future, I loved his drive, his ambition, his determination. Now I my concern for him is more so for our son, he loves his daddy. As hard as it is to say…I made a bad choice. Now I am facing what is the biggest challenge of my life up until now but somehow, for my sake, for the sake of my son and my relationship with God…I…need…to…move…on.

CarmelDipped70 is offline  
Sponsored Links
post #2 of 6 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 01:14 PM
Lila's Avatar
Join Date: May 2014
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 1,942
Re: At my wits end...

@Carameldipped70 you started another thread in July 2015 (18 months ago). Feeling Like It's Time to Go.... What have you done in that time to prepare yourself for living with without your husband?

ETA: You might want to ask a moderator to move this thread to General Discussions or Considering Divorce. More traffic there.
Lila is offline  
post #3 of 6 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 01:33 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: All over
Posts: 3
Re: At my wits end...

Thanks Lila...I couldn't find the post.

To prepare...started gathering boxes to pack! This living check to check is something else I didn't have in mind! Grateful for a job in my field but the pay in this part of the country is so low I have never wrapped my mind around it. It is my plan to move closer to my family once school is out in June!
CarmelDipped70 is offline  
post #4 of 6 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 01:38 PM
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 1,029
Re: At my wits end...

I'm so sorry for the pain he has caused you. There are countless men out there who would give an arm and a leg for a faithful wife, Christian or not. I'm sorry you grafted your life to a unremorseful serial cheater.
becareful2 is offline  
post #5 of 6 (permalink) Old 01-22-2017, 10:36 PM
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 1,874
Re: At my wits end...

A man who lies and cheats isnt worth having. I am a christian and I would not stay with a man like that.
Diana7 is offline  
post #6 of 6 (permalink) Old 01-22-2017, 11:04 PM
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 4,262
Re: At my wits end...

Christian or not the dude sounds like a very bad husband.
sokillme is online now  
Sponsored Links

Quick Reply

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:


Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Is this the beginning of the end? EllaSuaveterre Politics and Religion 93 11-27-2016 05:58 PM
When is it time to end a realtionship? unbe The Men's Clubhouse 19 11-07-2016 05:52 PM
Should I just end the marriage? thinkimdone Considering Divorce or Separation 6 11-03-2016 10:41 PM
Dead end help Lotusman Considering Divorce or Separation 3 12-18-2015 02:54 PM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome