QuietSoul

*WARNING ABUSE TRIGGER*

I am posting this here rather than the sex section because i wanted the insight of spiritual people and fellow Christians in particular.

My husband and I have been married for four years and we are not active at all. We were at first. In fact, when we were dating we really struggled to not fornicate. We messed up alot but just managed to scrape through on the intercourse front. But six weeks before we got married, i went on a new medication that absolutely anhialated my sexual desires.

On our wedding night, i was absolutely exhausted and wanted to just sleep but he pressured me to have sex. I feel so bad writing this, he would be appalled if he knew i was sharing this with others... i didn't feel like it and i was tired and feeling pressured by him, so we started having sex. Because of previous issues i have had with abuse and rape etc and in that frame of mind, i ended up having full on panic attacks, flash backs etc, i ended up screaming for him to get off me then was crying and shaking on the floor in a ball.

In saying that, our first year went relatively well, but i was only able to climax once during intercourse that whole time (but i could climax through other means). Then the second year was less frequent but still okay. Then the last two years have been not great because he went on some medication that messed with his sex drive, and at the moment we are intimate maybe once every three months.

Throughout our marriage, i have had flashbacks at different times. Usually when i am tired, and when i have them 95% are when we are having intercourse. When we are intimate, i seem to be enjoying it up to that point and when things go in that direction it's like i freeze up, i get scared but feel obligated to go through with it because i led him to this point. Sometimes i am able to push through, and even enjoy it even though i can't climax. I enjoy when he does. Other times i can't, it's too hard. This takes its toll on him and when this happens sometimes he just can't be there for me, so it's a really hard situation. We are both affected and in need and we can't be in a position to give to eachother emotionally.

So we are having some problems at the moment... we both have mental health stuff going on. I have been managing mine for a long time but his has kind of only come up in the last two years. I wrote more details in the general relationships discussion area so i won't go into everything here...

I was reading some of the threads in the sex dicsussions and there was one asking people how often they had sex. Reading it made me feel so inadequate and messed up beyond help... i know i have trauma stuff, i have done my best in life to seek help, get counselling, all of that. I just don't know what to do. If i am honest, i am scared of sex and sometimes dread the idea, and with him not interested it is so easy for me to shut right down and not initiate it with him.

I would really like to hear of any testimonies of God helping people in this area, stories of hope, particularly in relation to abuse affecting marital intimacy. And if you relate would love to hear from you too.

Thanks heaps


Quiet Soul

MSP

Hi there. Even though the forum description says that this is a place for faith-based solutions, I'm going to give you some non-faith ones, too. I'll happily tell you faith-related victories I have had, but sometimes the problem with that is that we can get hooked on the details and try to apply them in a sorta recipe-based manner. You know what I mean? Like, say someone says, "I prayed all night and then was healed!" So we go and pray all night. Or they say, "I told God I just couldn't take it anymore and I got an immediate answer!" So we tell God we can't take it anymore. And in both cases nothing happens for us, because we are following the mechanical actions, rather than the faith, which is the invisible heart-based bit that is the most important.

So, anyways, definitely continue to pray together with your husband for healing of these issues. Perhaps meet with a pastor for prayer, too. I had major victory from some childhood abuse issues that left me instantly after praying together with three pastors. THEOPHOSTIC prayer ministry is awesome.

I will also recommend THIS secular book/CD that I have found very helpful. you might think it's a funny kinda thing to recommend to someone in a Christian context, but I've studied this topic a lot and I love the positivity-driven approach of people like that author. There is a lot to gain from that book. Typical talk therapy can often make problems worse, because all you do is focus on the negative. Even the Bible says to focus on the positive (Philippians 4). If you're not willing to try that book (though I strongly recommend it), give THIS one a go. You can get it electronically for Kindle and other e-readers.

Coming back to Christian advice, have you forgiven the people who hurt you in the past? That is very important. Forgive them in prayer and pray for them. Do it out loud.

Can you explore natural alternatives to the medications you are both on? Maybe do a search for an orthomolecular medicine doctor in your area, if possible. Also, as much as is possible, do healthy things. Fortunately, psychology seems to be slowly dragging itself out of the stupor started by Freud that assumed that the mind and body are separate entities to be dealt with by different methods. But of course your mind is in your body! So what you do with your body affects your mind. What you eat affects your mind; what you do affects your mind. I've found a lot of great results from avoiding sugar and allergens and exercising. In fact, when it comes to mental health, exercise and a good social life put together are better than any anti-depressant, without the side-effects. Plus, of course, you get a boost of energy and so forth. The more naturally you can live your life the better. I think that even excessive computer time can make us a bit weird.

QuietSoul

Hey!

Thanks for responding.

Well, the reason i posted here and not in the sex section was because i wanted responses from people that weren't "just spice up your sex life, that will solve your probelm" or "try looking at porn together". I have read a bunch of different posts in there and just didn't want to get those kind of responses to my situation when i am feeling so vulnerable.

I am not against secular solutions, i think i am a pretty balanced person in that regard. I know it is not a one size fits all thing nor can i hope for the one magic prayer or one magic word that is going to fix this.

It really is a complex issue and i am feeling less and less hope for us. Tonight was really heavy, we shared a bit with our pastor at church tonight and he prayed with us, and when we got home i just had a big cry. We are both just at the end of ourselves with this stuff. It's not just about me and it's not just about him, we both need support and we both are not always in a position to give support when we are both in need.

Thanx for responding, will have a think about what you said and some of the suggestions you made.

cb45

i agree; that was good advice coming from secular.

MSP

You're welcome.

What is your ideal situation? Do you want to be married to your husband? Do you want to enjoy sex with him? Do you want more sex? Less sex? You don't have to answer here, but you should think very honestly about those things. Don't be afraid of your answers, because they can be changed. You may feel one way today, but another way a year from now.

You said that intercourse and tiredness affect your flashbacks. Can you try having sex earlier in the day, when you are not tired, and helping him finish without intercourse? Once you get to the point where other sexual acts are okay, you could move on to a bit of intercourse, then a bit more, and so on.

An important point for PTSD, OCD, or anything where negative thoughts are an issue is that you need to stop watching out for the negative thoughts. What happens is that you get trained to watch for them. You have this watchful awareness that looks out so you can try to control the situation and not feel stressed. However, by watching out for your negative thoughts, you actually end up inviting them in. It's like that saying where you try to avoid thinking about pink elephants by telling yourself, "Don't think of pink elephants, don't think of pink elephants, don't think of pink elephants!" Of course, pretty soon you think of pink elephants.

The really difficult thing is that you can't fight these thoughts by controlling them either. Why not? Because they are your thoughts. That means you are fighting against yourself--

"In the blue corner is QuietSoul! And facing her for the knockout match is . . . QuietSoul!"

Can you imagine physically fighting yourself? Who would win? Who would lose? This is the same thing as when you try to fight your thoughts. You can't win. Depressing, eh? Ah, but there is a solution. I think I'll start a new thread about it later, but here are a few points for you:

• Don't fight your thoughts or flashbacks. Tell yourself, "I don't care". Don't counter with something positive, don't argue with it, don't talk about it, don't avoid it. The more you fight it the more power you give it. There is a saying in psychology: "What you resist persists". That means that the more you tell yourself you won't do something, the more you are likely to do it.
• Spend some quiet time vividly imagining a life where you don't have these problems. Think of how you will and act feel. Really concentrate. Remember, if you get any negative thoughts or flashbacks during your positive visualizations, just let them happen and keep doing the exercise.
• Pray together. I said it before, but it's worth repeating. There is power here.
• Do happy, relaxing things. The more you are stressed, the more you will react stressfully to difficult situations. This includes doing things that are enjoyable stressors, like rollercoaster rides, horror movies, etc. Avoid them for now. Watch comedies, lie in the sun, and find other happy, relaxing activities to do. This will rewire your mind.

It will be difficult to do those things at first, because your body will kind of be addicted to causing you stress. Stick with it all and you will come through it, I promise.

COguy

QuietSoul,

Abuse and all of the emotions you feel is a really complicated issue. This is not about spicing up your sex life or having him say or do certain things. It's going to take a multi-faceted approach to really get healing from this.

It's going to take work on your side in the form of counseling. It's going to take work on his side in terms of being patient and understanding with you. It's going to take both of you working together in MC and communication to find new ways to love each other and communicate about your feelings. And it's going to take God working in both of your lives to give you the peace and hope and love to get through this.

I think it would be unrealistic to expect a solution from someone on this forum. You really need to seek the help of a professional. Most importantly, your husband needs to be involved so that he can work with you to prevent triggers and help you heal. It sounds like you have the right attitude and want to move forward, the next step is getting some professional help.

I hope everything works out for you!

PFTGuy

Quiet, I don't have any testimony in this area, but after reading the thread I feel compelled to offer you heartfelt prayers for peace and healing. I agree it sounds like professional help should really be considered. If this is not an option, maybe for financial resources, there must be other forms of help available on the Internet, or in books.