I have never done this before, not sure why I am doing this now, I know I am in trouble deep, I guess I am hoping against hope that somebody can help me.
I am a Christian man, or at least strive to be. Fallen and sinful, but redeemed by the grace of Jesus (sorry to the non-religious if you find this offensive).
I have been married for 15 years. I have an 8 year old daughter.
After my daughter was born, my wife has always slept in bed with my daughter. She does not care if I sleep in the same bed or not, and there simply is not enough room for the 3 of us. Most nights I sleep alone in a single bed.
I have gone through several periods of up to 2 years without any sexual relationship with my wife, not because I want it this way, she simply refuses to sleep with me. For the last 5 years we probably have sex about once every 6 months, and she never initiates it, and she usually rejects my advances. I have almost given up trying. In fact she often shums my attempts to hug or kiss her. I am a normal man with normal sex drives, I basically need sexual intimacey once or twice a week most weeks to be content, and more often would be nice. Is that excessive?
In desperation I guess, I resorted to viewing pornography and masturbating to find some relief. I am very dissappointed in myself, but the lonliness is too much for me to bear, and I am not wanting to have an affair. I go through periods of feeling ashamed and I don't view pornography for periods of up to 6 months, and then I succumb again. I feel perverted, but I need some sexual outlet. I am hurting, but my wife seems completely oblivious to my needs and my suffering.
My wife has stated a number of times that since our daughter was born, she realises how much more important my daughter is to her than I am.
Strangely, in most other respects my wife and I have a good relationship, we share some common interests and talk about all sorts of things, and do quite a few things together, and we only argue and fight occasionally (never physical, just verbal).
About 2 years ago I met a lady who I simply clicked with. Actually it felt more like an atomic bomb going off in my heart, I don't recall feeling such attraction for a woman ever, and it hit me out of the blue. I never ever entertained the idea of looking for an affair. I resisted and ignored this potential friendship/affair for almost 2 years. However, in the last month we have started sending SMS messages to each other almost everyday, nothing dirty or overtly wrong, but subtley expressing affection and desire for each other.
The urge to run with this relationship is becoming overwhelming. As ashamed as I am, if I am honest, I want to have a secret love affair with this woman. I know it is wrong, I know it is immoral, I know it is destructive, I know it would destroy my wife and my daughter if they knew, I know it won't bring long term happiness, but the urge is OVERWHELMING. This is insanity, I know it is insanity, but I am finding the temptation overwhelming.
I do not want to destroy my family, and betray my christian faith, and break my marriage vows, and have to live a double life of deceit.
I am truelly in trouble deep. Any help or suggestions?
To any ladies reading this, please don't judge me as some weirdo pervert. Men really truelly do need a healthy sexual relationship, and it is very very destructive and hurtful to deprive your husbands of it. The pain I feel is every bit as real as many women feel when they are emotionally abused by their husbands.
Your wife is telling you very clearly that at best, you'll be her room-mate, friend, and provider. She also apparently has no respect for your feelings or needs; even less than she would for a friend. Not her husband and lover. It's up to you now to decide if that's acceptable to you. Personally, to me it would not be.
Leave the other woman out of it until you make your decision about your marriage.
My husband went from feeling 'isolated and alone' (his words) to porn to sex chatting to paying for escorts to emotionally cheating to hiring a hooker. Sex wasn't our issue, intimacy was. Neither of us had any use for the other. I was a horrible wife and he was a horrible husband.
If I could go back in time I would INSIST that we go to counseling, or split up. There are 4 choices when you're in a bad marriage.
1) Just keep going on as you have been
2) Get help
3) Divorce
4) Cheat
Sounds like she chose option 1 and you chose option 4. The least desirable choices!!!!
Leave the other woman out of it until you make your decision about your marriage.
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I totally agree with this statement. The OW needs to be out of the picture while you figure out what you want to do.
I don't remember you mentioning whether or not your wife was a Christian. If so, then I have to believe she understands how GOD designed marriage to work. Have you sat down with her and explained in detail what your needs are? How much pain you're in being that 'she's' decided to put you & your needs on the back burner. GOD does not tell us, as parents, that our children are to come first; he quite clearly states that after Him, our spouses should take priority over everyone/anything else.
Before you do anything, particularly in the form of an A, you owe it to yourself, your wife, and your daughter to talk to your wife and be upfront about what you're going through. I would even suggest MC for both of you. Is this something your W would be willing to do?
Tell her if the sex doesn't pick up then you're going to file for divorce.
At least that way you've given her the benefit of a fair warning.
She won't change of course, then you can proceed to file, get divorced (or at least legally separated on the way to divorce), you can move out and go screw this other woman and be very justified and guilt free in doing so.
That's the upfront, honest, fair way to get the job done. Many cheaters have the right idea, and understandable motives, they just get it backwards most of the time and put the cart before the horse.
End relationship 1. Start relationship 2. In that order. That's what the numbers are for.
Thanks everyone for your input, I truelly appreciate it. "Girl next door", I believe that our god has placed you here at this time, Best advice yet, first post I see, I know there is divine intervention. Many thanks for your understanding and compassion. I am ashamed and hurting, I needed your compassion. I will contact Focus on the Family if I can, or another Christian based Counselling service.
I don't know if my wife will cooperate or not with Counselling. She is a Christian, but really struggles with any sort of correction/suggestion/guidance/criticism. She does not attend church, she was offended when someone tried to speak to her about an entirely different matter and will not go back. (This attitude is a big part of our problem!)
As for my worst choice to cheat...if I had already decided to do that, would I be here pouring my heart out? Am I tempted...you bet...the urge is burning me up! Am I perverted in my heart...absolutely to the core, to every fibre of my DNA...there is nothing good in me, I am human, I am a fallen and faulty being. Judge me if you wish, I have no defence, I am 100% guilty. But you know what, I am a child of the living god, redeemed by his blood. Sinful to the core, yet forgiven by the incredible overwhelming and VAST grace and forgiveness of Jesus. I here you say "How dare you preach hypocrite", yes I am a hypocrite, but my god is pure and good to the core regardles of how much of a failure I am...and a massive failure I truelly am.
Will I sin again? Guaranteed! Will I come out of this dark place with my marriage and fidelity (at least physical fidelity...too late for the mental and spiritual part) in tact. God knows, but I am trying! Will I be able to purify my heart to once again love my wife only, and love her sincerely, I sure hope so and I want to.
Today I sent an email to the OW telling her I won''t be contacting her for a few days because I need to let my emotions cool and think things through. I told her that our friendship has serious implications for a married man like me. You can ridicule me if you like, but it is a step in the right direction, a start. God give me the courage to end it for good and commit my heart to restoring things with my wife. I don't know if I am going to make it, but I am sure going to try.
Will I sin again? Guaranteed! Will I come out of this dark place with my marriage and fidelity (at least physical fidelity...too late for the mental and spiritual part) in tact. God knows, but I am trying! Will I be able to purify my heart to once again love my wife only, and love her sincerely, I sure hope so and I want to...God give me the courage to end it for good and commit my heart to restoring things with my wife. I don't know if I am going to make it, but I am sure going to try.
These sorts of posts confuse the heck out of me. On one hand, as you put it, "God gave you strength to end the affair", yet you are guaranteed to sin again. Aren't you worried about going to Hell? Is it simply a matter of doing all the sinning that you have planned in this life and then when it's getting closer to the end get forgiven and it's all good?
I get the same reaction when I see tv shows such as when a convicted serial killer is blessed by the priest and given forgiveness for all the murders right before they give him the lethal injection.
In that case what's the point of even trying to be a good Christian or whatever, since you're going to get a free pass at the end no matter what you did?
You DID cheat. Are you equating cheating with intercourse? Because you do NOT have to have had intercourse to have cheated.
Do you plan on confessing to your wife?
Can't argue with you, you are right, cheating is not just physical intimacy, seeking love affection and comfort from another woman that you should be seeking from your wife is cheating. Isn't gaining sexual satisfaction from viewing pornography and masturbating cheating also? Take it one step further, isn't it cheating to look at another woman and lust for her in your heart even if you take no action at all? If that is the measure, Yes I am 100% guilty. I would hazard a pretty safe guess that all men have failed to some degree(and if not, I want to know if he is alive?!)
I don't know anybody, neither man or woman, who constantly loves their partner as they should. Taking the extreme moral high ground, the bible says that when you hate somebody you commit murder in your heart. You don't actually have to physically kill somebody to commit murder in your heart. How many times have you murdered your husband in your heart?
In the real practical world, there should be room for compassion and understanding for people who think and feel wrong things, but do not take wrong actions. All the more for people who know their thought life is wrong and they want to change.
Can I live without making the odd slip up...nope. Do I want to charge down the wrong path at full speed...nope.
I know now that Viewing pornography was a band aid for my hurting, not a solution. Is there any wonder that things didn't improve in my relationship? I didn't hear the bell, the wake up call...we males are pretty dense at times. When I found myself in a real life relationship (albeit it mostly in text) and my emotions suddenly ran out of control for a week, I finally heard the bell, the wake up call. I am very dense I know!
Will I confess to my wife? Good question...very very good question. And confess to what exactly, just the text relationship? The pornography as well? The pain I feel? The emptiness inside of me? The desire to be close to my wife?
Will it help heal our emotional distance? Will it make her more willing to talk things through (probably not I am guessing, but who knows?). Perhaps I need to drop the whole story on her to be her wake up call that things are not all OK. Any thoughts?
Your marriage will not get better if you do not do both of these things:
1. End completely the relationship with this other woman. Not for "a few days" but 100% for good. Do not dance around the issue, this relationship is a detriment to your marriage. If you want to resume it after a divorce go ahead.
2. You need to discuss your problems with your wife. She thinks you're walking around just fine because you aren't saying anything to her. No, moping around because you did not have sex with her is not the message. Stand strong, and let her know that the relationship as is is not acceptable.
I would do this and then come clean about what's been going on. The porn, the other woman, everything. Tell her you do not like the man you have become, but also can not accept to be roommates with the woman who is supposed to be the only one in the world that can meet your needs. Let her know that you will work to be a better husband, if she can begin working to meet your needs in this area.
My personal advice. God invented sex, he wants you to have it. He wants you to have a whole bunch of it. By accepting things as they are and not fighting for how they should be, you quietly lose your manhood every day. Stand up for what's right. Not as a jerk, but as a man who knows his marriage should be strong and healthy. Work to be the best husband you can be, ignite the passion in your wife. You might want to read Married Men Sex Life or No More Mr. Nice Guy. They are not christian books, you'll have to read them with goggles on, but the methodology and actions are right on.
Also, it is not healthy, nor should you accept, that your wife puts your daughter before you. In a healthy family, God comes first, then the marriage, then the children. Children can not be put before a marriage, because if they are, there won't be a family to raise them. Both you and your wife need to focus on eachother, make time for eachother.
At the end of the day, your wife will not change unless she has a reason to. If you accept a crappy marriage, that is all you will receive. If you demand a better one, you will get it. Maybe that means you have to split, but at least you gave it a shot. Simply getting in an affair is the worst choice that you can make.
Introubledeep said :Can't argue with you, you are right, cheating is not just physical intimacy, seeking love affection and comfort from another woman that you should be seeking from your wife is cheating. Isn't gaining sexual satisfaction from viewing pornography and masturbating cheating also? Take it one step further, isn't it cheating to look at another woman and lust for her in your heart even if you take no action at all? If that is the measure, Yes I am 100% guilty. I would hazard a pretty safe guess that all men have failed to some degree(and if not, I want to know if he is alive?!)
I don't know anybody, neither man or woman, who constantly loves their partner as they should. Taking the extreme moral high ground, the bible says that when you hate somebody you commit murder in your heart. You don't actually have to physically kill somebody to commit murder in your heart. How many times have you murdered your husband in your heart?
In the real practical world, there should be room for compassion and understanding for people who think and feel wrong things, but do not take wrong actions. All the more for people who know their thought life is wrong and they want to change.
This thread makes me a little angry, reading some of these replies, I feel a fire burning under me. How dare some of us judge you , how dare. I am nobody, but I see a grave grave misjustice that has been done to YOU , as a husband, as a man.
Your wife has contributed to this situation terribly. You would not be here writing this post in desperation if it was not for what she started. Any man, I repeat ... ANY MAN with a healthy dose of testosterone running through his veins ..... Christian or non would be ripe for temptation here. And falling into some porn.....I know it is against your beliefs.... but we are all human... I've read enough about testosterone to know how this AFFECTS the brain... ....this is our lust hormone. Christian or not, you will feel & struggle with it's effects the same, it has men by the balls. You will just take on MORE guilt & shame for giving into it's desirous grip....when you masterbate while looking at some eroticism online.....You desire this in your marriaige... with everything in you... as you should !
What does everyone expect you to do here...think of your sexy frigid wife who might as well have a chastity belt strapped on ...thumbing her nose at you ...How exciting that would be!
She has thrown you to the dogs. How women expect their husbands to not stray under this -kinda drives me a little over the edge.
I am not a Christian anymore (my theology is just more Deistic..I'm still decently moral but not as stringent as believers expect us to be)....I hope you'll consider my thoughs anyway....
Christianity only hindered ME sexually where I hurt my own husband... I was dumb enough to sleep with every baby we had in our 30's between us (we had 5 in 10 yrs after yrs of inferitlity)... sometimes he even choose to sleep on the floor -- hurting , feeling less loved, resentment grew. I think the only thing that saved him from insanity was...... I had a healthy sex drive and I NEEDED it at least once a week or I'd be chasing him down. I was always an initiator....He was very passive...He didn't want to bother me. We were both kinda repressed due to religious teachings... & we never talked about sex. These are my only regrets in my marriage. We all have our stories. I am a changed woman NOW.
I have a hard time stomaching wives who carelessly do this to their GOOD husbands.... it reminds me of the pain I did to mine.
I love Coguys post (more calm than mine)....You need to come clean with your wife.... all of it ...this will bust this allure for this other woman wide open....trust me.... somehow the feelings you feel will not be the same once this is exposed into the light.
Your wife deserves to KNOW, she needed to know all along here where your heart was headed due to her leaving you thirsting in the desert. If she is worth any salt at all... she'll look to herself and see her own hand in what led you to this place of weakness... If she wants to play the Blame game, acting like you are the BIG dirty sinner here... the unfaithful one.....she is completely & utterly unreasonable ... in my opionion, she does not understand human nature and she thinks she is "perfect", completely overlooking her own faults.
We are all fallable, weak, and have moments of wrong thinking .....MOST ESPECIALLY when our needs are not being met . If you rise above this , you are a better person that most, frankly.. I wouldn't even want to be married to that type, they are impossible to talk too and be REAL with ...heck, you might as well through vulnerability out the window, such marraiges can not thrive.
I applaud your honesty in these posts....and for holding back when your DNA is screaming . This definitely counts for something. When you can admit your faults to yourself..and to others... you are "workable" there is hope for change. When someone shoves them under the rug.. denys them, this is harder to deal with, it is a road block. Let's hope your wife doesn't do that to you.
I have gone through several periods of up to 2 years without any sexual relationship with my wife, not because I want it this way, she simply refuses to sleep with me. For the last 5 years we probably have sex about once every 6 months, and she never initiates it, and she usually rejects my advances. I have almost given up trying. In fact she often shums my attempts to hug or kiss her.
I would NEVER blame my husband if I was acting like her...my lord ...6 months ....no sex... she rejects you at every turn !! then telling you your daughter is more important than you are !!
You are not insane, you are simply.... human... you are a man with sexual needs, you have been rejected, pushed aside, you are screaming inside for affection , touch, the warmth of a woman. Another Focus on the Family article here...read what it says about the lure of porn.
Sex may make up less than 10% of a marriage, but when you are not getting it.. make no mistake... it becomes 90% of the issues.
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I don't know if my wife will cooperate or not with Counselling. She is a Christian, but really struggles with any sort of correction/suggestion/guidance/criticism. She does not attend church, she was offended when someone tried to speak to her about an entirely different matter and will not go back. (This attitude is a big part of our problem!)
This really speaks alot. This is just not good. She needs to understand she can loose you. This is no way to be, she wants to be right at every turn, not forgiving...I can see why you are having problems.
I understand christians are against divorce, but raising children in a marriage that is devoid of sexual fullfillment ...and only roommatism is also not an answer, the children will feel the tension, the resentment seething under the surface, their whole view of what marraige should be ...will be tainted.
I am the wife, I bought both of these books out of sheer curiosity - I think they are both great and very helpful - for not allowing the wife to run the show, she will have more RESPECT for you as a man... and with respect ....often comes more "attraction".
Thank you simplyamorous and Coguy. Thank you for your compassion and understanding. You are precious people. I don't need any convincing that I am in the wrong place in my heart, and I didn't come here for absolution, I came here for practical advice and you have given me some good stuff to think about and work on. I will get the books you mentioned and read the articles you linked.
As for the OW, deliberately avoiding all contact, and emotions are cooling and brain is starting to kick in. Beginning to think with my head now instead of my emotions. Gotta get my head and heart into the place where this is 100% over before I attempt the break or I am gonna fold like a pack of cards. Its still very much a work in progress...but I think I will get there soon. I am so glad I did not get sexually involved with her, that would make the break close to impossible I think. Any thoughts on how to steel oneself?
I am about to phone a marriage counsellor...no idea what to say or what to do, but I gotta try. Girlnextdoor (really precious person) told me about Focus on the Family, I am going to give them a call. I think (?) I need to talk one on one first to understand what the counselor might do and how it works, and to discuss how to bring up the issue with my wife. Is that how it works? This is all new and strange to me. My heart is pounding. Here goes!
I did it. I have an appointment to see a marriage counsellor, just me this time...I don't know what happens next. They already helped with some really good advice on how to discuss this with my wife.
We are creatures of habit I guess, I caught myself saying "I don't need this, I am wasting my family's money, I am making a huge drama over nothing", so used to ignoring my emotional needs.
I guess it is an occupational hazard, I work in a highly dangerous industry where I regularly face danger/stressful/traumatising situations and I am so used to pushing emotional crap aside and getting on with the job. Losing control of emotions on the job could cost the life of me or my brothers in arms, and I guess this has probably carried on into my married life. Obviously not a very healthy approach.
Strange isn't it, I regularly face life threatening and dangerous situations at work, and I am afraid of facing up to my emotional crap and my wife. My wife is tiny and she isn't even armed with a weapon, yet she can put the fear of god into me. Go figureMy message to any women out there, never underestimate just how much your man needs you to be there and showing care and compassion (which to a male includes the sexual side of the relationship), even if he can't express it to you. (us males are dumb asses aren't we).
What I found in my marriage is that by holding in my emotions I was actually driving away my wife. She wanted nothing more than for me to share what I was feeling. Now that I am more vocal about my needs and desires, we are much closer. It's a healthier relationship too. You can't beemotionally attached to someone who doesn't share there feelings and that's very important to women for sexual desire. That means making yourself vulnerable to rejection, which is another topic SimplyAmorous can tell you about.
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lonliness to pornography to an affair? 
How dare some of us judge you , how dare. I am nobody, but I see a grave grave misjustice that has been done to YOU , as a husband, as a man. 
This is all new and strange to me. My heart is pounding. Here goes!
My message to any women out there, never underestimate just how much your man needs you to be there and showing care and compassion (which to a male includes the sexual side of the relationship), even if he can't express it to you. (us males are dumb asses aren't we).
